Eight Months Later

 

Minhyuk is snoring again.

Sometime around three o’clock in the morning I startle awake out of sleep and can hear my blood rushing through my ears. The blanket is pooled at my waist, most likely from being kicked off at some point during the night and I wiggle my toes against the sheet before pulling myself up to lean back against the headboard. It’s completely pitch black, the only source of light spilling in between the curtains are the street lights but they’re so dim, I have to rub my eyes with the heel of my hand until they can focus.

The body beside me shifts, only slightly to turn towards me with his back facing the window and I can’t help myself when my hand reaches out to card my fingers gently through his hair. It feels almost easier to breathe now like I can hear my own thoughts again instead of a jumble of sentences and words that don’t make much sense. When I drag my fingers down the slope of his nose and over the indent of his cupid’s bow, his nose wrinkles and my heart doesn’t feel as heavy anymore. I tap on his top lip before trailing my finger across his cheek and feeling the warmth of his skin as he dreams.

I take a deep breath, looking up at the ceiling and watching as the light creates patterns on the paint. I rub a hand down my face and eventually throw my legs off the side of the bed, grabbing my shorts from off the floor and pulling them on before shuffling out of the room. Minhyuk’s apartment is smaller than our place but because he lives here alone, space seems bigger especially walking around now and listening to the sounds of the tenant next door watching a movie and the wiring of the AC that provides background noise in the otherwise silent apartment. The cats sleep curled next to one another in a pile of fur next to the large ceiling to floor window and the lights from the city drip onto them, creating an array of colors that causes me to stand there and watch them sleep for a few minutes.

I’m too anxious to sleep so I walk around the apartment some more, looking over the same pictures that decorate the walls, watch a few episodes of Show Me The Money, and scroll through Twitter before eventually heading back to the bedroom and shutting the door behind myself quietly.

“W’as the matter?” I hear Minhyuk slur as I crawl back on the bed and almost fall back off of the mattress in shock before grabbing a hold of the sheets and letting out a small huff of laughter.

“Nothing...nothing. Go back to bed,”

I slide in beside him and shove my face onto the same pillow, watching the way he rubs his face and pushes himself up on his elbows after a minute. As hard as I try to make out his face in the dark, he blinks slowly and shuffles closer, pushing the blanket away.

“You sure?” he whispers.

I nod and can see the way Minhyuk continues to stare at me before leaning down and knocking our noses together gently as his breath fans cold over my face when he exhales. “Why are you walking around? Tell me what’s wrong.”

His hand comes up to rub at my side softly and I swallow back a sigh, reaching blindly for his hand and intertwining our fingers with a small squeeze. I want to tell him again that it’s nothing. Actually, I almost mutter that word before I stop myself and my lips, it doesn’t feel sufficient anymore. A part of me wants to thumb away the sleep in the corner of his eyes and change the subject until we both grow tired and fall asleep but somewhere that same tugging that once pushed me to ignore the problem doesn’t want to push it further down. Instead, I untangle our hands and drag mine up his arm to gently tap my fingers on his shoulder. His eyes flicker towards the movement before they come back to me as if he knows and he’s waiting.

“I couldn’t sleep...I woke up a couple of hours ago and just had to walk around and...distract myself?” I shift closer to him and his fingers curl into my side. “I don’t know, but I’m alright now,” and even though I don’t want to say it, somehow the words still manage to come out of my mouth completely on their own. “Stay up with me for a little bit? I know you’re probably tir-”

Soft lips, albeit intended to probably kiss me, miss my mouth and instead I feel his smile underneath my nose, tickling my skin and causing me to laugh quietly until both of us are chuckling and giggling at one another. He moves around until his lips finally find my own and we kiss briefly, most of it consisting of us whispering nothings to each other before I push him away gently and tug him down by the back of his neck so he can lay down.

His toes are cold and they press into my own, causing me to flinch before I shove him and we’re laughing again, quietly, almost as if we’re afraid of waking up anyone else even though we’re the only two people here. I squeeze my eyes shut and feign sleep, pressing my lips together so I don’t laugh when he groans and instead proceeds to jab his fingers into my side until I’m yelling for him to stop and laughing so hard that my stomach hurts. He thumbs my tears away a few minutes later, his smile growing softer the longer we stare at each other until I tug him down and roll my eyes when he makes an over-exaggerated show of getting comfortable.

We manage to talk about almost anything for the next couple of hours. Sometimes, Minhyuk comments and other times he just listens to me as I whisper something back to him before switching topics on something completely unrelated. Other times, he’ll laugh quietly at something I said and I’ll repeat it just to hear him laugh again. When sunlight begins to drip through the blinds and paint the sheets hues of gold and white, his eyelids grow heavy and I watch as he moves in and out of the conversation. I twist around so we can face each other and walk my fingers lightly up the length of his arms, feeling the muscles flex underneath my touch and hum one of his songs to him, it’s so silly that both of us chuckle before he yawns into his pillow.

The sun rises a little bit more and with each metaphorical second that ticks by in the back of my head, I watch as he drifts away until his eyelids grow so heavy that he can no longer keep them open. His breath evens out just enough so I can shift away and he won’t notice. With the sunlight on his back, his outline becomes shrouded in a soft yellow glaze that makes his complexion look so healthy and alive that it makes me chuckle.

I turn around to lay on my back and rub my eyes, my throat feels dry as I smack my lips together and take a few deep breaths. The silence is comforting, a stark difference to earlier in the morning and before I reach for my phone to check any messages from Hae or my brothers, a scratching sound comes from the other side of the room until I can hear both of his cats meowing. I decide to ignore my phone for now and instead move off the bed, fitting the sheets over Minhyuk and walking over to open the door as Chichi bolts down the hallway, likely towards the kitchen and TtaTta, follows me by trailing behind and nipping at the back of my feet before walking through my legs.

A part of me is weirdly comfortable with the ease that I feel pulling out their bag of food and depositing it in the Pororo patterned bowls and filling their dishes with fresh water, but another part of also recognizes that this will be a regular part of my life soon.

 

--

 

It’s eight forty-five in the morning.

I pinch my eyes closed and yawn into my fist right as my brothers stumble into the living room with bags underneath their arms and Hae pulling a suitcase that looks like it took her some difficulty to close. 

"Are we taking your car or mines?"

"We're taking mine," I say and lift my backpack over my shoulder before grabbing my keys and wallet to pocket it in the front of my jeans. "Mom is going to come back to the house to pick up the dress since it's getting delivered here and you can ride back with her. Alright?"

Hae hums in approval and I take a quick glance around the place before opening the door for them and closing it behind myself as we walk out. We pile into my car after putting everything in the trunk and I can't help but laugh when Hae and my brothers start fighting over what to play on the radio as I type the address into the GPS. 

"We always listen to what you want to listen to, ALWAYS" Dong-Yul stresses, twisting back in the seat to point a finger at Hae. 

In return, she swats his hand away and pushes herself forward between the front seats as Dong-Yul yells and tries to push her back in her seat with Dong-Sun's help. 

"Oh my god!" I yell. I shove Hae's face backward, causing her to fall down in her seat with a huff and slap Dong-Yul's arm repeatedly, causing him to yelp. 

"Are you guys seriously doing this right now? Today of all days?"

No one says anything. Dong-Yul opens his mouth in an attempt to say something but shuts it before he actually does and I sigh, starting the car and putting it in reverse to back out of the driveway. The first couple of minutes goes by painfully awkward and I tighten my hands on the steering wheel as I keep driving, the tension seemingly growing by the mile until I feel the beginnings of a headache start to pick at the back of my head. This is not the time for this.

"Sorry."

"I'm not mad,"

I chuckle at all of us speaking at the same time and Dong-Sun cranes his head to the side to smile cheekily in the rearview mirror. "Seriously sorry, noona,"

"It's okay, I didn't mean to yell," I sigh. "Sorry, I'm just tired and I really want today to go smoothly."

"It will," Hae nods and shifts forward again, "everything will," she says and squeezes my shoulder. 

The three of them lapse into a conversation and I try to keep up in the beginning but my thoughts, like always, find themselves going in different directions for the rest of the drive there.

 

--

 

Hae hands me my medication just as my mom comes back into the room with my brothers in tow, Dong-Sun grumbling underneath his breath about something that I can't make out but Dong-Yul is smiling brightly, so I assume they must have fought over something and Dong-Yul won. The normalcy of that makes me grin and after tightening the robe around myself, my mom gestures over to the table and I have a seat in front of the mirror. 

"I thought your dad lost these...he always misplaces things and forgets about it," she sighs but waves her hands in the air and sets down a small navy blue box with an inscription etched into the upper right-hand corner and gold lining along the edge. She pops the lid open and takes out a pair of earrings helping me put them on and pushes a lock of my hair behind my ear. 

"Do you like them? I wore them for my wedding and had them repaired last week. I put your birthstone in them," she says and rubs my shoulders while staring at me in the mirror. The sentiment isn't lost and I nod, blinking back a strange urge to cry and tell myself to calm down because the wedding hasn't started yet and the last thing I want to do is have red eyes in any shots. 

"Thank you, really." 

She squeezes my shoulder and steps away when a few of the other bridesmaid walk in with their garment bags over their arms and Dong-Sun almost chokes when he recognizes Luna and quickly turns around before running into Dong-Yul who frowns and shoves him back. 

"Are you sure you really want them in the wedding?" Hae eyes both of them skeptically and my mom laughs behind her hand with a shake of her head. "I mean, we could easily have their spots filled," she shrugs. 

"Hae-" I start but Dong-Yul grabs his twin by the arm and points a finger at Hae. "She can't ex-communicate her own brothers-"

"Keep that finger in my face and I'll break it," Hae glares at him and he pulls his appendage back so fast that the entire room breaks out into laughter while both of the twins flush. The door opens again and Somin, the event planner, peeks her head inside and smiles at me before motioning back with her head. "Hey guys, the first guests just started arriving so you can all start getting ready, okay?"

"Sure thing," my mom says and thanks her before clapping her hands. "Time to get dressed everyone!"

Everyone in the suite breaks out into collective chatter, moving things around and ping their bags while walking into the conjoined bathroom and my mom snaps her fingers at the twins and points to the door. "Go see what your dad and Minhyuk are up to while the ladies get ready,"

"But umma-" Dong-Sun whines and Dong-Yul winks at one of the bridesmaids who takes out a bottle of lotion from her bag and threatens to hit him with it before he yelps and grabs his brother's hand to drag him out of the room.

The girls each move around while my mom helps where she's needed. The flurry of activity does something to mitigate the impending anxiety that hasn't yet made it's home in my chest. Hae is playing a video game on her phone while another girl does her makeup and I snort when she loses and frowns down at the device before laying it down on the dresser. 

"Young," my mom says and I turn around just as she brings the dress out and places the flats on the floor. "Come on," she waves her hand. Watching her take the dress off the hanger and detach the veil, causes my stomach to twist up in very tiny pinpricks that I'm not sure what it's supposed to entail and I wring my fingers as she undoes the knot in my robe and helps me to take it off. 

We somehow manage to coordinate me into getting in the dress without doing any damage to the material and as I slip my arms through the sleeves and pull the fabric over my shoulder, I feel those pinpricks tap against my stomach again in short quick bursts. My mom buttons the back up and clasps the back together before smoothing it out and taking the train out so I don't step on it. I'm afraid to look at myself in the mirror, in part because it's been nearly three weeks since I last had it on and because I'm afraid of what I'll see if I do. I try to stall as much as possible, fumbling with the shoes as I put them on and picking at my nails until I stop when my mom fixes the veil in the back of my head. 

"Turn around, turn around," she ushes me and points to the long oval mirror situated next to the closet. "Look, now."

A few of my friends are peeking out from the bathroom do as they put the final touches on themselves and once Hae's makeup is done, she twists around in the chair and whistles through her teeth causing me to choke and my mom slaps me on the back, which is even more embarrassing and uncalled for. 

"Wow,"

"Look at the line of your body in that dress,"

"I would ask you to spin around right now if your mom wasn't looking at me like that," one of the girls coughed. 

"You look gorgeous, Young,"

"Honestly, I just might marry you," Luna said giving me a thumbs up and the girl next to her, Minki, nudged her gently and gestured to Hae across the room. "You better watch it, Hae is already suffering from separation anxiety, she might just gouge your eyes out if you come for her precious unnie," she snickered. 

Hae blushed and stuck her middle finger up at them causing the group of girls to laugh while my mom tsked but otherwise waved it off. 

I decided to stall it for only a minute more before tapping my fingertips together and looking up at my reflection in the mirror.

I felt my teeth sink into my bottom lip and I guess that was to stop any kind of inhuman noise from coming out of my mouth. My hands curled into fists in front of my stomach and felt my fingernails press into the flesh of my palms. The longer I stared at myself and allowed my gaze to travel along the length of the dress, the pattern of lace and stitching of fabric, the harder it became to think of just about being somewhere else than right here. I looked at my eyes and saw something reflected in them, not what I had seen for years ago and leading up to recently, but something that made it seem like a good thing had just unfurled in my chest and was blossoming across my skin and from the inside out. It made my lips twitch in a small smile. It made me feel good. 

I felt my mom's hand come in contact with my own and I looked down at her, seeing what I thought I saw in the mirror and just when I was about to say something, the door opened and Mrs. Yoon peeked her head and smiled, walking further inside and shutting the door. 

"Wow," she smiled proudly and made her way over to Hae to hug her from the side. "You look beautiful, Young and so do you," she told her daughter and her hair before placing a kiss on her temple. 

I thought of the circumstances that this whole family had been inadvertently placed in over this year while I stared at Hae's mother. Quickly, my mind filtered through the different scenarios and the anger, the resentment, and the sadness that had blanketed us. I thought of how many times we had shouted and cried when we were let down and the tumultuous relationship that been born between her and her daughter that was slowly but surely patching itself up. Unconsciously, I my lips and taste the flavor of the lipstick on my tongue and I felt that much like now, it seemed like things were somehow, someway, beginning to shift in the place it was supposed to be. 

My dad came in a few minutes later and he paused just by the frame of the door, staring at me like he could read my thoughts and he could also read just about every thought I had ever had up until now. His smile made his eyes curl up and the wrinkles around his cheeks more pronounced. I wanted to tell him something but it felt like I had too much and not the right words to accurately get it across to him. He gave me a thumbs up before adjusting his hearing aid and stepping closer to touch my arm and squeeze the flesh. It felt like something that could be translated into, are you okay?, and I nodded silently. We were always so silent with one another but he was the only one that could read my thoughts out loud as if it was textbook material. I wanted to know what he really thought and I wanted to ask because right now it mattered, it mattered a lot but instead, he took my hand and tucked my arm around his own. 

"It's time," he said and it was so loud, so loud in the room but in reality, it had just been a murmur. 

My mom helped the girls get into order and everyone seemed to move about in a rush, putting their things away and straightening any flyaway hairs before fixing their gowns and getting into the line order as the event planner opened the door and checked inside. "Oh good!" she smiled and clapped her hands. "The guys are ready so if I can have everyone file out in order, we can get this going," she says. 

The girls file out one behind the other and everything seems to move on autopilot. My dad and I are the last ones out of the room and we trail behind the bridesmaids, down the stairwell into the back of the building where the rest of the groomsmen are waiting and talking amongst one another. I crane my neck to see everyone and can spot Jonghyun, Jungshin, Minhyuk's sister, Sawon, and two of Minhyuk's closest friends fixing their bow ties. Yonghwa is most likely already inside with Minhyuk and that makes me take a deep breath. 

Somin down the stairs with Dong-Sun and Dong-Yul in tow and Hae does a double take when she sees Dong-Yul hand the rings to his brother while adjusting the basket of rose petals in his hands. "I can't believe you're giving them such a crucial role in this thing," she mutters and I want to laugh so bad but my anxiety is starting to build a hole in my back so I just stare at her and shake my head. 

The minutes seem to stretch on so much longer than they actually do and when the music starts playing, a piano piece that I automatically recognize as Yiruma, I feel lightheaded and tighten my grip on the sleeve of my father's suit. The bridesmaids walk arm in arm with the guys, one after the other, in red wine gowns that trail after them. As the pairs become shorter, Dong-Yul takes a deep breath and kisses my cheek before walking out to spread the rose petals along the aisle. My dad tries to make small talk with me but I can't imagine a word he's saying right now, let alone comprehend anything he wants to tell me. I bite down on my lip and blink back the unusual welling of water that begins to make itself known. 

Dong-Sun gets a high-five from my dad and gives me a thumbs up before walking through the large wooden doors. 

It's only us. 

My heart takes note and plummets into my stomach before I can reach out and grab it. I can feel my knuckles turning white with the grip that I have on my dad and although I know I should be past this, I can't help but think that it's pathetic for my thoughts to want to spiral downward and out of control at a time like this. I pinch my eyes closed and try to calm myself down and before I can snap myself out of it, my dad grabs my hand and squeezes my fingers. "If you think any harder, you're going to vanish, like literally vanish into thin air," he chuckles. 

"When I saw you up there earlier, I almost thought I was daydreaming," he hums. "Did your mom tell you about those earrings?" he says and I can't find my voice so I just nod along and he laughs. 

"She was wearing those and she told me that she almost didn't go through with the wedding either, can you imagine that?" I can't honestly and as much as I want to question it myself, my dad beats me to it. 

"She told me she had been crying a lot before because