kiss me on clover hill

 

It was real.

He was right beside me.

As he gazed at the moon and the stars, I felt a shudder run down my spine. His hair, black as coal and soft as silk, drifted through my fingers as they fell to the ground. Those eyes... they were as bright as I could ever ask for.

Clovers. They were all around us. I felt particularly lucky that night. I felt beautiful.

"Look at me," I whispered, feeling the wind brush across my skin. I was in a state of euphoria as his lips connected with mine. We fit after all. Everything's perfect.

"Kiss me."

And then I pulled back as I felt the weight of his head on my shoulder. Together, we watched the starry night sky. It must be beautiful, for he was stunned to a daze. I smiled, knowing that everything would be okay if we were together. We were at peace. Nothing could go wrong.

He was with the night. He was with the stars.

He was with me.

 
**

 
"Here's some soup," he says, dumping the used pot in the sink.

I looked away, watching autumn slip away right in front of me. As the leaf fluttered to the ground, I felt something being forcefully planted onto my palm.

"Soup," he says again, his tone unwavering.

Was he blind?

Wordlessly, I placed the spoon on the table, avoiding his gaze as I felt a shudder of fear rush through my veins.

"Eat something." I heard the scraping of a chair, before his voice became closer and clearer. "Drink the soup."

I finally dared to turn around, surprising myself with my new found courage, before glaring at the source of the noise. I picked up the spoon and dunked it in the soup. "I'm not drinking that."

He sighed defeatedly as he ran a hand through his hair. "We're doing this again. You need it. You need me."

I don't need anyone. Not right now. I'm fine with suffering on my own.

It takes a whole damn lot of effort to not think. I winced as I felt his hands on me. They were so rough, so wrong... I wanted to not think. I wanted to open my eyes. 

The leaves continued to fall. The curtains were lined nicely today. Maybe things could be perfect after all.

I heard the slam of a door. I got up from the chair. Taking the bowl in my hands, I brought it to the sink, ignoring the glinting in the sunlight. I watched the liquid slowly drip away. There was some form of bitterness clouding the room. It didn't smell very good. I watched, and watched, until everything was drained.

It was comforting.

 
**

 
"Let's go shopping?" I was greeted by a dazzling smile as I pulled the door open. "Did I wake you up?"

I could never be dazzling, especially not in the morning.

Shaking my head, I dressed into my plain, faded old jeans. They suited me; they're down-to-earth and simple. They were my favourite pair, though I felt as washed out as my jeans when I stepped into a car with him.

The drive was silent. I listened to the screeching and banging of drums and bass as he hummed softly, his fingers tapping on the wheel whenever he stopped. I waited for his hand... his hand on my thigh.

It never came.

The car sped off.

 
**

 
"I think you'll look good in this," he comments, picking out a black, shimmering dress. "You'll look just like the stars on Clover Hill."

It was glittery and breezy whenever we went. It was like us, in a way.

Breezy. Fast.

Entering the dressing room, I pulled the dress downwards. I felt my waist. I looked at my legs. Were they shaved? Was I clean? I turned around. I looked back into the mirror. The dress looked too bright on me. Bright like his eyes.

Giving a nod of approval, I let his eyes roam from top to bottom. Covering myself with my hands, I felt myself cower. His eyes disconnected with mine for a moment, before it came back to me. Eyes wide, dilated. Was it guilt?

"Change out of it, then let's go."

I don't think I could ever catch up.

"Quick."

I shuffled back into the dressing room, slipping the dress off of my shoulders. The fabric fell with a soft thump. I looked at myself again. Closely, this time.

You're thin, you're beautiful. There's a price.

I smiled, then I remembered.

A monster never smiles.

 
**

 
Adrenaline rushed through my veins when I saw the glint in his eyes. The sensation was familiar. It was comforting. The look of pure shock when he saw me in my new dress; it was overwhelming. I must be beautiful. I was powerful.

I felt lucky.

I walked towards him. I walked in strides. I was confident. I missed this.

The air smelt bitter that day. Was it the rain?

As he kissed me, I felt his hands go lower and lower. His kisses... you'll get used to it. They were passionate, exciting, rough. Somehow, they weren't enough that day. I placed my hands on his, urging him to grip me tighter, to grip me closer. To him.

At least he still wanted me. I'm not lonely. I don't think I'll ever be.

We sat on the ground, his head on my shoulder.

The air still smelt bitter.

Together, we watched the starry night sky. It must be beautiful, for he was stunned to a daze. I smiled, knowing that everything would be okay if we were together. We were at peace. Nothing could go wrong.

He was with the night. He was with the stars.

He was with me.

Silence consumed us. Everything came to a stop.

I waited for his hand... his hand on my thigh.

It never came.

 
end.
21/03/2016