The clock is ticking. The music continues to play. It keeps playing and playing and playing. I waited, counted 3, 2, 1. Just like what I expected, the door opened and my mother came inside.

“How are you feeling honey?” she asked.

“Good” I answered nonchalantly. It has been this way for months now. I will be just inside my room and several times a day they would go here and bring me food and my medicine. Well, it has already gotten so much better. At least they don’t force me to go down and eat with them anymore. It drains my energy.

“So, we will be going to the mall. Me, your father and Lily. We figured it will be good if you can come with us, you know, to unwind or something. Get things off of your head.” She said carefully, as she weighs on how I would react.

“No thank you.” I said blankly. I saw her face fall as I said that, and I felt bad somehow, but not enough to make me change my mind.

“Alright then. Miss Delly will be here with you. Just tell her if you need anything.” She said as she got up. She kissed me in the forehead and told me she loves me before going out of my room.

I stared at the food that she brought. It’s one of my favorites. Carbonara pasta paired with pink lemonade. They always said it was a weird combination, but I didn’t really mind. I remember making people try it and they kept saying that their tummy hurt afterwards. I only had one person who never argued with me when it comes to this topic. The only person who said it was nice because he likes whatever I like. It’s him. I smiled at the thought, but together with this smile, there was this overwhelming pain in my chest again. I clutched my chest as I try to lessen the pain but to no avail. Then there it is, I can feel my heartbeat getting faster and faster, I cannot even breathe, it feels as if someone is strangling me to death. I tried to reach my medicine and I can see my trembling hand as I do so. I drank two pills, and slowly, I began to stabilize. The trembling stopped, the hands that are supposedly choking me starts to go away, and I’m at peace again. Or am I? Will I ever be at peace?

 

“Jin hyung, we have to leave now. What’s taking you so long?” Jungkook shouted as he was leaving the door.

“Just a little bit. Just making sure that we left nothing. You kids will ask me for things that you forgot to bring anyway” I said as I made my way to the door.

We are on our way to Japan for our schedule. We are currently promoting our new album and we are busy going inside and outside of the country. Soon enough, we will be having our concert tour and it will be busier as hell.

My name is Kim Seokjin. I am a member of the group Bangtan Seonyondan, popularly known as BTS in the international community. I am the oldest member and hence I always tends to the needs of the younger ones. We’ve been in the industry for about three years now and fortunately, we’re already doing well. We have very supportive fans who never fail to make us number one whenever we’re promoting and fans who always supports us in our activities. I also have these wonderful boys that I perform with. We always are together, and despite the professional relationship, I know that we are brothers. We always have each other’s backs no matter what happens. I also know that even though I haven’t repaid my parents yet for everything that they have given me, I know that I’ve made them proud and that they are happy for me, the person that I have become, for Jin, the singer.

I am generally happy with my life right now but somehow, I can feel that there’s something missing. There are a lot of times that I feel empty. It’s as if I am not really living my life and someone else is living it for me. It feels weird to be happy and sad at the same time.

 

“Well you’re doing so well now Sophie. You really did a great job in coping with stress. Just continue what you are doing right now and you will be fine. But if anything feels weird or if you want to talk about something, then you know that you can talk to me right?” the doctor asked as she fixed all her notes.

“Yeah. I will” I said and nodded.

“Well then, just don’t forget to drink your medicines and we’re good to go”

“Thank you.” I told her and stood up.

Ever since that event happened, I’ve been constantly going back and forth in this hospital to meet my psychiatrist. That’s right. My psychiatrist. Apparently, I have a condition called depression which is characterized by extreme sadness in response to life’s struggles and setbacks, but can also change how you think, feel and function in daily activities. And, if left untreated can become increasingly debilitating. So that’s why I’m here. I’m getting treated.

I went out of the door and saw my mother waiting for me outside. She waved at me and I went to her.

“So how did it go?” she asked as soon as I came.

“Fine. She said I’m doing fine.”

“Good!” she exclaimed. “So how about we eat at your favorite restaurant as a celebration?”

I nodded. She held my hand and I awkwardly followed her as she led me outside of the hospital.

I’m really not used to this. Honestly, I’m not really fond to showing my affection to people, not even my parents, and I am especially awkward doing it to a person who is a stranger to me not until recently. Yep, you heard that right. I was adopted and I lived with my adoptive parents for the past decades until recently. This woman is my biological mother who apparently lost me when I was a baby and is trying to make up for the lost times.

We rode the car in silence on our way to the mall. My mother already called my sister and father so we can meet there and eat as a family. I watched as we passed by different buildings, and as we went from one place to another. Thoughts after thoughts went through my mind, until I saw something that caught my attention. It was a small minion doll that is being displayed in one of the stores. This minion doll is familiar. I saw this somewhere. I think I saw this in my old room. It was…. Mine. He gave it to me, on our third anniversary. I love minions and he gave me dolls of different sizes. It was there.

“We’re here.” Mom said, and made me forget what I was thinking. I went out of the car and we got inside the restaurant where my father and sister are already waiting.

 

Dinner was fine as usual. We, I mean they talked about things, Lily’s school, and my job when I still have one and my plans. Dad kept on talking about making me work in his company since I have the capabilities and I will be inheriting it anyway. I just kept nodding since I can’t really find any reasons to do it or not to do it. My parents are positive thinkers. They kept telling themselves that they can get me back, and we can still spend our time as a family, as a complete family once I’m better. I also want it to be that way, but every time I try, it’s as if I was on loop and I kept on getting back where I started. I keep going back into the darkness. And they never will be able to understand it. No one will. He used to, though. In that darkness, he was my light. But he’s not here now. Am I going to be stocked here forever?

 

The boys are playing again after our schedule while me and Yoongi stays in our room as we wait for the food to be delivered. These boys really don’t run out of energy. We just came home from an event and we should be resting so we will have the energy to perform again tomorrow in another event. But these youngsters have a lot of energy in their bodies and they kept on playing and playing.

“Hoseok hyung! You already lost why do you still have that?” Taehyung said as we heard some running.

“Who lost? Me? Lost?” Hoseok said as we heard another pair of feet running again.

“Hyung! That’s cheating” That’s Jungkook.

“Hyung wait! I’m not yet ready not yet. Wait!!!” and Jimin.

That kept on going for a while. The hyungs on the other hand are just lying here on our bed, reading, playing with games on our cellphones and occasionally talking. Namjoon is on the other room, probably writing music or playing with his cellphone.

“Hyung, I will just go to the music room and try to come up with something.” Yoongi said as he got up. “Wanna come with me?”

“No, thanks. I might just bother you there.” I said.

“Hyung, you won’t bother me because you will be writing your lyrics too.”

“Not right now Yoongi. I don’t really have anything to say that can be made into beautiful lyrics.”

“What do you mean? You always have something good to write about. Hyung, you wrote some lyrics of our song in just hours. What are you saying?”

“What I’m saying is that, I don’t think I have enough inspiration right now.”

“Yeah. I noticed.”

“What do you mean you noticed?”

“I don’t know. I just did.” He said as he shrugged. I eyed him curiously, not understanding what he is trying to tell me. He sighed then continued, “Hyung. Recently, you’ve been acting weird. It’s not only me, the boys noticed too. You always seem to be thinking about something, something serious. We were worried, but we didn’t say anything, because we were waiting for you to say something.”

I just looked at him, not knowing what to say.

“Hyung.” He continued. “You know that you can tell us, or at least me anything right?”

I nodded.

“So tell me. Is this still about your brother?”

I shrugged.

“Hyungs. The food is here.” Jimin shouted.

Yoongi stood up and tapped me on the shoulder, then said “I will listen. Whenever you’re ready.”

Again, I didn’t say anything. I didn’t really know what to say. Honestly, I haven’t even thought about my brother. It’s just that, I keep on wondering if this is the right path for me. If I am happy. But, thinking about it, these thoughts started coming out after what happened to my brother.

“Ughhhhh” I shook my head and stood up. I will think about these things later on. For now, food is more important.