Soonyoung was happy. He was contented at his situation, at their situation. He was bestfriends with Jihoon for years and he knew how much he meant to the certain boy. He knew and he felt how Jihoon treasured him or how important he was to Jihoon. Jihoon was not a clingy per se but he would call Soonyoung once a day just to check him out or he would just barge into his room out of the blue just because he thought Soonyoung needed some company. To Soonyoung, it was enough, more than he could ask for, more than he could ever dream of. Soonyoung was happy, a little bit on the dumber side and just in love and it was because of a certain boy named Lee Jihoon.

     To say Soonyoung was shocked would be the understatement of the century, he was flabbergasted, and he was flustered and dumbfounded. He was confused and little angry. He knew Jihoon swayed that way, he knew Jihoon was never straight to start with but he didn’t saw it as an opportunity to welcome the chance of him and Jihoon being together. He cherished their friendship so much that he was scared to put a possible crack and end to it. And Jihoon was kind of reserved and really secretive about his uality. He first outed to Soonyoung and never did again to anyone else. So it was really shocking for him when in the middle of the afternoon, Jihoon walked into his room with a shy smile, holding hands with a guy who was a head taller than him, with broad shoulders and well-built chest. Jihoon hadn’t uttered a word yet but Soonyoung already knew what Jihoon was about to say. Jihoon hadn’t said anything yet but Soonyoung was already hearing the sound of his heart breaking, the sound of his happiness and little world falling apart.

     “Soonyoung-ah, this is Seungcheol,” Jihoon said calmly but Soonyoung could hear between the spaces and breaths the nervousness Jihoon was trying to hide. “He is my… boyfriend.”

     “Ah! So it was him, I mean I sometimes see you texting someone nonstop and yeah I just kind of noticed you were really on your phone these days,” Soonyoung said as cheerful as he can that his voice was a tone higher than normal, “I didn’t asked anything because I thought you would come to me first and, look, you really did.” Soonyoung noticed the suppressed smiles Jihoon was trying to hide when he was looking at his phone. He noticed how Jihoon would frequently excuse himself once the familiar ringtone, him singing to an English song while he didn’t knew Jihoon was recording, comes. He noticed everything; he noticed every little thing like how Jihoon’s eyes would shine when his phone vibrates or how Jihoon would just stare at nothingness thinking about something. He noticed and yet he didn’t asked nor said anything, not because he didn’t want to interfere with Jihoon’s business but because he was afraid of the answer Jihoon would say. Jihoon was bad at lying, he really was, so he would probably say the truth on the spot after a few attempts of trying to hide it. And Soonyoung didn’t want to hear the answer, because no matter how hard he brushed the thoughts of Jihoon having someone, he knew that deep inside his heart, at the bottom of his thoughts was the words screaming that they can’t be together because Jihoon has someone now and it was not him but another man.

     “Hey, I’m Seungcheol,” said the man with broad shoulders and Jihoon in his life. He extended his hands to him, asking for a shakehands and Soonyoung took it. He took it and shook it like a man, like a man accepting the fact of losing, like a man accepting the fact that the man on the other end was better because he had the guts to pursue Jihoon, when Soonyoung couldn’t even dream of it.

--

    True to Soonyoung’s predictions, Jihoon now had less time for him. It was either Jihoon was with Seungcheol or he was third-wheeling with the couple. And he hated it. He hated how Seungcheol would put his arms on Jihoon’s shoulders because that was his place, that’s Soonyoung’s arm’s resting place after a tiring and long dance practices. He hated how sometimes when they thought Soonyoung was not paying attention to them, Seungcheol would whisper something to Jihoon and Jihoon would laugh, softly punching Seungcheol and Seungcheol would hold him a little tighter, and bury his face on Jihoon’s hair and inhale the powder baby scent of Jihoon. He hated it. He hated how casual they look like to third person’s point of view and yet, to Soonyoung, he knew it was them being lover-dovey without getting overboad. And he hated it. But most of all, he envied it. He envied how Seungcheol would sometimes hold Jihoon’s hands and Jihoon would just interlock their fingers, or how Seungcheol would back hug Jihoon and Jihoon would just face him, hug him back and pat him. He envied how Jihoon was giving him extra affection that Soonyoung didn’t get without prying Jihoon to do so.

    On most days, Soonyoung would go to the dance studio in their school. He would sometimes play an upbeat song and dance his heart out with heavy and strong steps, letting out all his pent up frustrations over the situation, letting out his anger at himself, blaming himself for not being brave enough. Sometimes, he would play a slow song and dance to it in a sloppy yet lazy way, just like him, just like his tired and hurting heart, his thoughts unorganized and yet he can’t stop. But most of the times, he would put his playlist on shuffle, put the volume to the highest and cry his heart out. Before Seungcheol, Jihoon would watch him dance, even play a song or just tap the guitar randomly for Soonyoung to dance, but now that Jihoon had Seungcheol, nobody was willing to see him dance his heart. No Jihoon would pat his back and say in various variations of your skills were enough.

--

   He couldn’t remember when the last time Jihoon was asked him to go out and just have a good time. He was feeling so lost and little bit unattached to the world that he lost track and count of time. He was waiting for Jihoon in their favorite café and he couldn’t stop reminiscing the days were it was only Soonyoung and Jihoon. He was feeling so selfish inside but he couldn’t act on it, he didn’t have the right nor the courage to do so. He was so lost on his thoughts that he didn’t notice Jihoon was already sitting beside him. Jihoon put his arms on his shoulders and blew some air on his ears, he was so shocked that he kicked the seat across him but Jihoon just laughed at it. Oh how beautiful the sound of his laughs are, Soonyoung thought.

     “Missing the old times?” Jihoon asked in a mocking way but Soonyoung knew Jihoon was sincere on his question.

     “Not really,” Soonyoung said. Jihoon smiled at him, a knowing smile and he knew Jihoon got his answer and thoughts right. Not reall;, yes, yes, I really miss the old times so ing bad.

--

     Things were getting better. Things were slowly going back to the way it used to be. Jihoon was starting to spend more time with him and, gradually, Seungcheol was slowly fading out of the scene. Soonyoung didn’t ask anything. This time he didn’t want to interfere with their business, he would just wait until Jihoon talk about it. And so Jihoon did talk. He started the topic casually, like how they got introduced to one another from a mutual friend and how things started to click after that. Jihoon didn’t say anything to Soonyoung that time because he didn’t know things would go that way, he didn’t expect he’d grow to like Seungcheol. Soonyoung thought that maybe he was a masochist at some point because he asked a question he knew would hurt him in so many ways. “Why Seungcheol? What do you like about him?”

     Jihoon was surprised. Never did Soonyoung asked such kind of question until today. Jihoon looked at Soonyoung in the eyes and then to bowed down his head. He was playing his hands, a gesture Jihoon does when he didn’t know how to express himself. Soonyoung didn’t want to put such burden to Jihoon so he was about to take back the question when Jihoon started to him.

     “Why do I like him? I don’t even know myself why,” Jihoon said, still playing his hands, “but Seungcheol just does things and then you’d just realized that you like him or that maybe you liked him all along. Seungcheol… he makes you want to rely to him. He makes you want to trust him. He was a very responsible person and he is really reliable and dependable. He gives the feeling where you don’t want to do things alone. Do I even make sense?” Jihoon laughed, but hidden behind those laughs were an explosion of emotions, love, adoration, and Soonyoung saw it, he saw the love Jihoon actually had for the guy and he regretted asking the question.

--

     It was 3 am in the morning when Soonyoung received a call from Jihoon. Soonyoung could hear on the phone Jihoon’s muffled voiced, signs that he cried. Soonyoung asked why did he call and Jihoon said he just wanted someone to talk to. It could’ve been be normal if it wasn’t for the muffled voiced and timing of the call, it could’ve been normal if Jihoon didn’t say I need my bestfriend.

    Soonyoung came rushing to Jihoon’s house then. Jihoon’s house was a few blocks away from his, probably a 15-minute walk but Soonyoung ran so fast that he felt like he could fly, he ran so fast and it was not even past 5 minutes after that I need my best friend line and he was panting, banging Jihoon’s door like there was no tomorrow.

     “Jihoon! Open the damn door before I break it!” Soonyoung was shouting, a rush of emotions running down his veins. He heard faint steps on the other side and, after almost a minute of anxiety waiting for Jihoon to open the door, Jihoon opened it. His eyes were red and puffy, signs that he cried. He was wearing gray pajamas and a plain white shirt that was a size bigger than him; he looked like a child in that state. Hell, he even looked like a baby. And to Soonyoung, he could’ve been his baby, but he belonged to someone else.

     Soonyoung didn’t know what made him run to Jihoon, hug him and press his lips onto him. He didn’t know if it was because of the running or Jihoon’s vulnerable state that he lost control of himself. He held Jihoon’s face with both of his hands, pressed his lips for more. Tears were falling down from his eyes, he was kissing his bestfriend he was in love with since the forever and he was crying. He was holding his bestfriend’s beautiful face with both of his hands, he was kissing him and he was crying and out of all the so many things that was happening at that very moment, it was Jihoon pushing him away, wiping his lips with his hands while new batch of tears were forming in his eyes was the image that will be forever etched in his memories, a clear sign of their friendship slowly breaking apart.

    Jihoon just stared at him with blank face. It scared Soonyoung so much because he just kissed Jihoon on the lips and yet Jihoon was so unattached, unaffected, unfeeling. He was staring at him with a blank look, like he was seeing him but not seeing him at the same time. And Soonyoung was scared because Jihoon should shout at him punch him, even. Jihoon should be shouting at him, getting angry because his bestfriend kissed him. But none of it happened. And the moment was silent, save from the sound of the dawn, that calming sound that made people feel so infinite.

    Soonyoung didn’t know how much time had passed until Jihoon decided to make the first move. Jihoon took a step backward, turned around and said “Me and Seungcheol had a fight. A big one. When I called you and asked for a good time, that was the time things between us went downhill. And last night, we had a fight. He was cheating. He was cheating with someone named Jeonghan. I didn’t know that much but I saw him once. Seungcheol said he was a friend. I didn’t know things were getting heated between them behind my back. We had a fight. I wanted to fix this and make things right between us, because I like him. I really really like him. And yet Seungcheol doesn’t want to anymore. He doesn’t want to make things work with me because he is working things out with Jeonghan. So he just asked for forgiveness, said he was wrong and that he should’ve told me earlier and that he want us to stop. So I said go. Pretty funny right? He wants us to stop and I gave him the go signal. But the go signal to him meant to officially take this relationship to an end. He liked me, I felt he was sincere with me. But it hurt so much because when I looked at his eyes, saying sorry because he was a bad guy, I realized that his feelings for me was no par at that Jeonghan guy. So I just let him took my go signal as it is. Because I said go when he wanted a stop. Do you see my logic? I don’t want us to end but how can I not let him go when he is so damn in love with that guy? So that was it. Seungcheol and I are over.” Jihoon started to walk but Soonyoung grabbed his hands and made Jihoon face him.

     “I love you. I love you so ing much, Lee Jihoon. I love you so much. You are my bestfriend so I just kept things inside. I didn’t want to ruin things between us. I love you and I was being so coward and afraid of how things will go if you and I had a chance. I love you. I was so contented with what we had until Seungcheol came. I thought then maybe this could be my chance to get over with you but it wasn’t. I just realized that I love you more than I ever thought. Do I even make sense now? I guess no, but I love you. I love you so much, Lee Jihoon.” Soonyoung was crying. He was crying because after pent up years of frustration and unrequited love, he finally got the chance to voice out his feelings. He was crying at the sudden intensity of love he was feeling for the petite boy in front of him. He was crying, sobbing so hard because he got the chance to confess.

     “When I said I need my bestfriend, I really really meant it,” Jihoon said while he was brushing away Soonyoung’s hands on him. “When I said I need my bestfriend, I really needed him.” Jihoon said the second time around, this time looking at Soonyoung’s eyes with so much sentiment. And that was how Soonyoung realized how ing wrong he was. Jihoon needed a bestfriend the most but what came running to him was a guy who would just inflict more pain to Jihoon. Jihoon needed a bestfriend, not a confession.

--

     Jihoon was not talking to him. Jihoon was avoiding him at all costs. Soonyoung didn’t know what to do with his and Jihoon’s friendship. He felt like it was on the stage of beyond repair. The friendship he was cherishing and protecting with all his life came crashing down with just words of confession blurted out at the most inappropriate moment. Soonyoung regretted confessing to Jihoon so much because, now, Jihoon was nowhere beside him. He missed Jihoon so bad. He ing missed Lee Jihoon he felt like he couldn’t breathe anymore.

     Days passed… weeks… and it was almost a month of no communication at all with Jihoon. Soonyoung wanted to talk to him, to set things straight and work their friendship. And yet he didn’t know how to. Jihoon was not talking to him nor answering his calls and it was obvious Jihoon didn’t want to see him with anymore. Who would? He thought. He just ditched their friendship for a selfish confession when Jihoon was at his most vulnerable. He was so lost in his thoughts until someone tapped in on his back. He checked to see who it was and he was so tempted to punch the handsome face of the man with broad shoulders who lost Jihoon over to someone else. Soonyoung clenched his fist, he was so mad and sad and so, so frustrated to everything that was happening to him and part of him blamed Seungcheol for it.

     “Can I talk to you for a while?” Seungcheol asked.

     “There’s nothing to talk about,” Soonyoung said and he was about to walk away when Seungcheol said something that made him and his world stop for a while.

     “Jihoon liked me, but I couldn’t… I mean he wouldn’t let himself be attached to someone. And you know why? It was because of you.” Seungcheol blurted out of the blue. “Jihoon… he relies on me so much but sometimes I just feel like he was looking you in every part of me.”

     “If that was your excuse for cheating on him, then stop. Nothing will you say can make your actions justifiable.”

     “I know, and I’m sorry. I don’t want to make any excuses over me cheating to him. I was wrong. But I just wanted to let you know that, maybe he didn’t love you like the way you do. But he treasured you the most. I hurt him and I’m sorry for it so please don’t hurt him like I did. Because it would be more painful for him to bear.” Seungcheol walked away and Soonyoung just watched him. He saw Seungcheol held the hand of a beautiful man and even if Soonyoung was a few good feet away from them, he thought that he can now understand Jihoon. It was so clear how head over heels Seungcheol actually was for the guy.

--

     Soonyoung couldn’t brush away the things Seungcheol said to him. It kept bugging him off. He decided that maybe he should really make a move to make things straight for the both of them. He decided that no matter how Jihoon avoided him, he would still make him talk to him. He couldn’t let this friendship come to an end.

--

     Soonyoung went to Jihoon’s house but Jihoon was still not there. He waited for hours and hours until it was almost midnight. He was freezing to death, it was so cold and he was wearing thin set of clothes. He almost gave up when he the familiar petite man arriving. Jihoon saw him but he didn’t bat an eyelash to him. Soonyoung ran to Jihoon and grabbed his hands. He dragged them at Jihoon’s door. Jihoon opened the door, he knew that no matter how much he avoided Soonyoung, it would just waste the both of them times since Soonyoung looked so determined.

     He let Soonyoung inside his house. He faced Soonyoung and waited for Soonyoung to say something. Soonyoung was wary that if he opened his mouth, things would really come to an end, and yet Jihoon was staring and waiting for him to explain so he took a gulp and decided that it was now or never.

     “Seungcheol said that you treasured me the most.”

     “I do, you are my bestfriend. You always had.”

     “I love you.”

     “I know.”

     Soonyoung was shocked at Jihoon’s words. Jihoon knew?

     “I know you are in love with me. I know that you, Kwon Soonyoung, are in love with me, your best friend, Lee Jihoon.”

     “But why?”

     “Because I love you but not in the way you loved me. I loved you as a bestfriend and I cherished you as a bestfriend. But not as someone that I can be with. Not as a man that I would fall in love with.”

     Soonyoung knew he was a cry baby himself so he wasn’t surprised when tears started to fall from his eyes. “Why?”

     “Because that’s it. You are my bestfriend. And I cherished you so much. I don’t want to live without your presence in my life. That is how I didn’t said a thing. Your eyes say you love me so ing bad and I don’t say I thing because you are my bestfriend.”

     Soonyoung couldn’t understand anything Jihoon was saying. Soonyoung couldn’t comprehend what Jihoon was saying. Soonyoung didn’t want to understand what Jihoon was saying. Soonyoung didn’t want to comprehend any bit of what he was saying.

     "You have to understand, that there are times friends are meant to be lovers but at most times friends are meant to be just friends. I love you but not the way you want it to be. Not more that the way you want it to be and not the less you feel like it would be. I love you as a bestfriend. I love you as someone I can’t be without but not someone I can be with in the ways you want.”

     Soonyoung was bawling his eyes out. He was now down on his knees because he loved Jihoon so much he couldn’t imagine a future without him, he couldn’t imagine a future someone else and he could only imagine a future with him. And what hurt the most was that Jihoon loved him too. Jihoon loved him so much and it was supposed to make him dance with euphoria but he couldn’t. He was breaking apart with words of love from Jihoon because to Jihoon he was a bestfriend. Not only because he was not less to Jihoon. And it hurt because to Jihoon he was a bestfriend and to him Jihoon was someone he wanted to kiss goodnight, to have lazy mornings with and afternoon cuddles. He wanted those but Jihoon couldn’t and wouldn’t give it to him because he was a bestfriend. Not less of a person, not less of a status but bestfriend. Soonyoung was crying and crying so hard that he didn’t exactly knew when Jihoon hugged him. He hugged Jihoon so tight and he was burying his face on the crook of Jihoon’s neck. He was inhaling the natural fresh baby scent of Jihoon, he always loved the smell of Jihoon, Jihoon smelled home, and he loved it and he loved Jihoon too. He was crying so hard because how can love this be so heartbreaking. Jihoon tried to lift and make him stand, his knees were weak so he leaned to Jihoon for support. They were walking towards the sofa and Jihoon made him sit on it. Jihoon sat beside him and hugged Soonyoung again. But Soonyoung knew this was a hug from Jihoon being the good and best bestfriend he was. He let his tears fall and fall until he felt so weak, so so weak. He was so tired from all the happenings in his life, from the break up of Seungcheol and Jihoon that lead them to not talking for almost a month and a half. He was so tired, physically, emotionally. He was just so tired and he was on the verge of falling asleep. He could still sense what was happening to his surrounding and he felt Jihoon still hugging him, patting his back. Jihoon adjusted himself so he could have a better and more comfortable position and as he was gradually losing his consciousness, he let himself be deluded with the thoughts of Jihoon loved him the way he loved Jihoon. It was Jihoon’s homey scent that the last thing remembered until sleep finally caught with him.

--

     Soonyoung was dreaming. He was dreaming that he was the sky above and that Jihoon was the brightest, twinkling star. And that made sense to him, because the stars above were always meant to be with the sky and yet they can’t be really together; because the stars above were destined to be with another star and yet the sky beside was always meant to be there. Adoring and complementing the beauty of the beautiful star. And that was enough, because stars do die and collide, and yet the sky remains forever, unchanging with the world’s time.