A gloomy atmosphere reigned in our dormitories. JR has been in one of the bedrooms for a couple of hours. No one has bothered him. It was obvious our leader needed alone time.

The rest of us were together in the living room, trying to comfort each other silently. At first we tried to crackle a couple of jokes, lighten the mood, but that was proven impossible and so we had given up. Now everyone was lost in their thoughts, only moving to check SNS from time to time, like masochists looking for our own kind of pain.

The news had come like a bomb. We had finished our show in Japan successfully and we were drowning in the joy it had given us. And then, we knew. We felt happiness. How could we not? They were label mates. We had trained together and lived together. So we sent out congratulating messages and talked about it with each other, how good they must have been feeling. How good that was for them. How hard they have been working. How special it must be to fulfill their dream… that was ours as well. The last laughs were heard and reality was like a punch to the face. JR had excused himself suddenly, saying he was tired and needed to rest for a moment.

Our dream had started to feel more like a nightmare lately. The one where you see a light or a door in front of you and you run and you run and you run until you feel you can’t anymore but somehow you know you have to keep going. And so you do, and you stretch your arm and you feel your fingertips are so close, you run a little faster… just to find yourself even further than before. The same pattern had been repeating for the last four years.

We don’t blame ourselves as much as one would think. We are talented and we know it. We are special in our own way. But life is not fair, it never was and it’s never going to be. You bet hoping to win, but that’s not always the case. You work hard wishing for the best, but hard work is sometimes not enough. Don’t we all work hard in the harsh industry? Sometimes, luck is not on your side. Sometimes I think that it’ll never be in ours.

We are not stupid either. We know what is been said about us. We know how they compare us. We know some hate but most pity. The pity is what we hate the most. We don’t need pity, it’s useless. And it means that all our work, all we have done for four years is nothing. Nothing if you measure it in comparison of what they have achieved in a year.  We are one group and they are another. We are not less than them, and will never be. Our value doesn’t revolve around theirs. And they didn’t save the company nor paid for our music. Who started these rumors anyway?

But if you asked me if I’d go to the past and change groups to debut with them, I’d refuse. NU’EST is my family. They are my brothers. The highs and lows; the tears and the laughs; the sleepless nights and the lazy Sundays… they all made our bond stronger. I wouldn’t take out or add any member to this group. We are perfect as we are. We don’t need anyone else.

I think about our fans, our small but always present fandom. Their smiles and sparkly eyes keep us going. And we are forever thankful of their love, of their understanding. A lot of them left, and that only makes the ones who stayed even more special. If not for them, NU’EST would not exist today.

This brings a smile to my face, and I see the other members slowly noticing and looking at me curiously. ‘I love you’, I want to tell them. But it’d be random, and I don’t feel like explaining. Instead, I mutter a low but sincere: ‘We are going to be fine’. They smile too and nod. We want to cry- there are nothing but watery eyes around me -but we somehow manage to keep it all in.

A door opens and JR walks towards us. His face is puffy and his eyes are red. We don’t ask anything, just stand up and meet him half the way to hug him. We hug him as tight as we can until he complains and we all laugh, tears finally being let free.

As we start talking to each other again, with more tears and more hugs, I can’t help but think that maybe the whole company isn’t a family, like I’ve seen people call Pledis, because the bond we have is different. But NU’EST is one. And nothing will break us. As long as we have each other and our fans, we will keep working and hoping that the sun is coming for us in the near future.