This morning, the sky was blue. Full of life. Full of happiness. I was cheerful. I was alive. But yet, was I unknown of the inevitable. I was reminded of you, Kyungsoo. Over too many times, could I count. Over how many times did I replay those days. Those days that scarred me. Those days that I wish to forget.

This morning the sky was blue. As usual, I did not want to be seen but I did not want to be left behind. I did not want to get attached as I was to you. Not again, did I ever want to contact those feelings that lie deep beneath my being. Was I a fool? Was I too self concious? Yes, I was a fool. Yes, was I too self concious. But was I able to let go?

This morning, the sky was blue. I kept those days behind me. I let those days lay low of my attention. As I carry on, I am able to smile. As I carry on, are those scenes still unconciously playing in the back of my head? I was strong enough to endure. I was strong enough to withstand the ache. But thinking of those memories, my blood boils, my tears run, my heart races, I become weak.

This morning, the sky was blue. As I lived, as I laughed, I was was stuck in the middle. I was stuck in the middle of us. Then I met him and he reminded me. He reminded me of you. Uncontrollably, I stuck to him like glue because he reminded me. I was caught in the moment. I was trapped. But honestly, I never tried leaving. What was I to do?

Today, the clouds were gray. No, did I seek romance with him. But it was not the same as I to he and just for a while, I was meaningful to him in his own way. Despite my morals, I took advantage of his feelings. Guilt is what I had. But the cruelty empowered me in which I couldn't help. What I felt towards him was not equal to his but still, he held a place in me.

Today, the clouds were gray. As time passed, I felt sorry for the things I'd done. I was wrong to lead him on. I ignored the incoming future because I believed that nothing would cut through us. Though I knew, though he told me, I continued. I continued my ignorance. I rejected his feelings but yet was I to let him go as I did to you.

Today, the clouds were gray. No one knew. Not my closest friends nor did he. I was quiet. I kept to myself. Too ashamed, I left my mouth shut. But now, He's gone to another. He's drifted away. I depended on him. I cared. But just like you, he left me stranded. Alone.

Today, the clouds were gray. Indeed, was I surprised. His feelings towards me were gone. The sparkling presence he once pictured of me disappeared. 

Again, you came rushing back. Again, you threw my emotions around like a ball. Again, did you replay in my mind. Again, did my heart break. Again, I was too self concious. Again, was I a fool.

Trying to put you on the side, I question myself. Why did I hold on to him? Why did I get closer? When the time came, why was I hurt? Why did I care? Why? Then, I began thinking that maybe, maybe I do regret rejecting him. Maybe I should've gone to him as he opened up. Maybe We did share the same feelings for each other but I was too late to realize it. Maybe. Just, maybe.

No.

I couldn't figure it out. I was too late. I was too afraid. I was too ignorant, too cruel. But as for the reason why I reacted like in such a way, this wasn't the case. Yes, I envied that girl. What she had was what I yearned for; someone I enjoyed spending time with that also enjoyed being with me. Unlike myself, she knew what she wanted. She knew her feelings while I, was indecisive and unsure.

It was not that I had gained feelings for this boy nor do I dislike the one he views as a special someone. It was not for my own pleasure to be cruel. It was only one thing, Kyungsoo.

It was you.

Today, the clouds were gray. Unconciously, I'd find myself looking for him. For when I do, I do not know what emotions of mine come bursting out. Forcing myself to hold it in, I show nothing. Not a sign. The longer I look though, the more sorrow I feel. The more guilt, the shame, the hurt. I thought of you. I thought of him. I thought of me. I thought of all the outcomes and possible endings if I had just gonea different route

Today, the clouds were gray. I did not care if he had found another. I did not care if his feelings of me had faded away like withering ashes. I did not care if he never felt more me since the beginning. I only cared for one thing. One thing that connected you two. One thing that I did not recieve from either of you.

I cared for a goodbye, a closure. It was what I grieved from you all these years. All these years, did I not get one from you.

Today, the clouds were gray. Just one simple goodbye or an honest statement. But you didn't give me that. You made something with me that would make any child's eyes sparkle. You made a promise. A promise to come back.

"I'll come back tomorrow," you said. "But if not tomorrow, then the day after. I promise." and I believed in you.

The next day, I waited upon your appearance. My heart raced. Hours and hours on end, I waited. You didn't come. My hopes were still up, enticed by your words of,"But if not tomorrow, then the day after. I promise." The following day, you never showed up. You broke our promise. I believed in you. I was bruised. I was torn. Still then, I continued waiting, just for your sake.

Eventually, I did give up. Each of those passing days, was another brick on the wall of my immense grudge I had on you. Full of anger and betrayal, it all lead to the statement of, "I hate you." For the following years, I repeated that to myself when I cried lone in the darkness of my bedroom. Those were my worst nights. 

But I lied.

I lied to myself. There was truly no hate for you in my heart. There was always only that broken love that hopelessly fell apart on its own and crumbled away. And from then on, I swore to myself to never show my own weakness in the witnesses of others again.

Today, I looked up at the cloudy sky. I serious doubt, my emotions easily camofluaged within . I was lost. I was confused. I just did not know what to think or what to do with myself. Then I saw it. It was lively, it was blue. It was a shining hole that stood out from the gloomy picture of the sky. I was compelled to reach out and fly away into that blue, carefree hole. I was breathless.

Today, I looked up at the cloudy sky. An image popped out at me. An image of the blue sky. To see just a peck of blue in that overpowering darkness, hope was given to me. Hope for a sign that the clear sunny sky will come again. And though you lay small and defenseless in a seize of terror, you keep going. You keep going and you keep running up. I saw the sign. I felt it embrace me as I took in what stood above and it made me realize.

Though you pained me, though I cried in agony for your doings, something occured to me. I shouldn't be reminicing about the past or have it effect me in the now. I should be proud of myself. Proud for what I have gone through and proud of how much I've grown and learned to endure. I am in debt to you.

You stopped me from falling. You helped me get up and go. You stopped me from doing mistakes that you've done. You stopped me from getting lost in my own maze. You stopped me from me. You allowed me to change.

This morning, the sky was blue. After so many years of false hatred for you, I forgave. I saw the truth behind my feelings. I saw my hopes and dreams come closer and closer.

In the cloudy gray, I felt the harsh abandonment. I avoided the truth. I dodged my real feelings. I hid my thoughts.

As I looked up, I saw a piece of faith and the good things to come for the future and generations that await.

Today, the sky was blue. I believed in myself and witnessed my great potential. I no longer wait for you. I no longer need to hear your goodbye's because I've said mine first. And I thank you for me and my Blue Sky.