Ellipsism (n.)
The sadness that you'll never be able to know how history will turn out

I’ve cried everything I had. Looking in the mirror with my eyes swollen is probably the most heartbreaking thing you will ever see in your life. “You’ve been a lot, Ten.” I said to myself as I sighed.

But even though it hurts, even though it’s painful to accept, I somewhat felt good. Should I say I felt like a human now? For me, pain is what makes me human. Pain is what I’m composed of.

Years before, exactly when I woke up, I felt nothing. I just woke up from a deep sleep; emotionless, brainless and tired. I tried watching some movies and it felt unnatural. Every relationships I’ve watched on TV screens seemed to be scripted. From idols dating, and such,--- all of them, for me, are nonsense. I also wondered how love works and how people are desperate to have one. I’ve asked myself the question, ‘Is it fun?’ Or ‘Is it tragic?’.
Only those two, because, when you fall, there are only two ways you would land:

A fun and safe land, or a tragic plane crash.

After meeting Jaehyun, it was a fun and exciting ride. Of course, just like a blossoming flower, it would be like that. It feels like heaven to see him in front of you. His voice is the music that your ear finds every single day. Everything about him is perfect, and then that perfectness led your fall..

 And then the roller coaster ride, turns out to be crashing.

“It’s okay.” I whispered. But what I really mean is I need help.

I wish I knew how to make a feeling stop.

I sneezed as I walk straight to school. Spring is done and it’s time for summer allergies. The dusts from the spring leaves irritates my nose, so I kept on sneezing on my way to school. 3 days of break from school, it should be fun, but I hadn’t. I cried every night, pitying myself, asking how can I forget a person like him.

“Taeyong here yow.”

“Jaehyun here yow.”

They greeted me. Jaehyun is again, right beside me. I’m between them once more. “What happened? Your eyes are swollen.” Taeyong asked. Taeyong is always asking what happened, while Jaehyun seems to be just observant. He knew my eyes are swollen, but he don’t mind asking if I’m okay.

“I have allergies.” I said. I know Jaehyun doesn’t believe it, but I was surprised on how he held my hands tightly, and even though I tried to get my hands off, he kept on holding it firmer . “You’re warmer than the last time we held hands. You’re okay.” He smiled at me, but it was weak. Before, that smile makes my heart flutter. Now, whenever I see his smile, my heart is tearing apart. I love him more than I love myself. And it hurts to see him smile like this.

“Let... go..” I whispered. I have no choice but to let go of his hand. I don’t want this feelings to last. Why? Because I want to go back to where we used to be. I want to end this for us to be okay.

 Taeyong stopped walking and Jaehyun as well. I continued walking and left them alone.

If dates are not arranged in order, this day would be mistaken as the first day of my class than the real thing I had. After I got in the classroom, I saw Taeyong and Jaehyun silently sit on their chairs and act like they’ve been scolded by the principal. I have no one to talk to, I have no one to lean on, I am alone in this crowd, waiting for someone to save me from this school. I want to find Seolhyun, the science club leader, but I’m shy to ask her to have a lunch with the whole science club members. In the rooftop, I ate alone. In the library, I read alone. In the lounge, I play alone. It really feels like this is the real first day of class. Jaehyun and Taeyong looks like they don’t know me or we had been in a kind of bonding together.

It hurts, but I deserve this for me to heal.

Playing inside of my head is the song ‘Mad World’ by Gary Jules. It was my favorite song since I got here. The lyrics says what I really feel and it makes me feel good to hear this. I’ve had a time when I was dreaming and a voice of a boy singing it to me. Maybe it was me during my younger days. I’ve also had dreams my mom singing it to me as well and I feel relaxed.

Even though the meaning of the song is a little bit stressing, it makes me sleepy maybe because of the fact that I can relate to it and it is somehow the kind of world that I’m living on.

Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression..

Hide my head, I wanna drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow....

The last class started and I’m just doodling the page of my notebook. I don’t feel like studying for now. My head hurts, my heart hurts, my body hurts. Every single of me is torn, and I just can’t face this world acting normal, even though it isn’t.
“Ten? Are you okay?” My English teacher asked. Here in English class, he lets you to practice English even though it has a wrong grammar or such. He doesn’t care about wrong grammars, because everyone screwed up in English once or twice, even Americans.

“Oh? Yes yes. I’m okay.. I guess.” I forced my smile to the point that it was fake. Taeyong is irritated seeing me like that and it was quite a sight to see him quiet because he always recites in class. Jaehyun, on the other hand, seems a bit down, because after we got here in the morning, I haven’t seen him smile.

“I won’t force you to participate for now, but I will deduct points from you? Is that okay?” I nodded. I just want to feel alone right now.
“No, wait, it’s not fair to deduct points from a person who is not feeling well. Hmmm,

SINCE I’M YOUR ENGLISH TEACHER, I want you to make a poem or if you want, compose a song about anything. For your crush, or the way you’re feeling right now. It’s okay. Even if it’s a diss track over my subject. I won’t mind it.” He smirked and everyone went hysterical. Ah, to be honest, he’s the best thing that this class have. Other teachers . Only him would make our mood bright. I just smiled but it’s not a smile that I used to do.

A poem, huh.

The class slept and others are talking right next to each other because they’re done. As for me, I’m not. It’s not like I’m doing this for my grades. It’s just that with this, I should feel okay. In this sheet of paper, I wrote what I have, what I had, and what I will have. The consequences, and the regrets are here. I made this not to be shared to gain popularity or what. I made this to free myself from the cage I’m in.

“Seems like everyone is done! Who wants to volunteer?” A girl volunteered and as she explains her work, I’ve noticed her golden tag. Of course, those who are top students are dared to participate in class in order to get high grades. I glanced at the windows while listening to his poem and watching the birds play on the trees. Funny thing is, it’s also about a bird who escaped from the cage and was now free. I think it was her, who is catching her dreams.

How wonderful she is. I don’t even have any goals in life other than searching for who I am.

As the wind blew the leaves on the tree that I was staring, the bird flew so I’ve shifted my eyes on my teacher and caught him staring at me. His eyes are very innocent just like Jaehyun, he’s definitely a copycat of Jaehyun. From the choice of his words, everyone will be calm. He’s funny and caring, just like him. If Jaehyun would be reincarnated as a teacher, he would be the teacher in front of me.

“Ten, would you like to try?” I became stiffed and startled as he called my name. I was thinking about Jaehyun being a teacher so I felt like it was really him who asked me. Everyone is smiling and looking at me except Taeyong and Jaehyun. “Come on. I just want to hear what you wrote.”

“But it’s not meaningful..”

“There’s no such thing as that. Come on.

Is it a free verse?” I nodded as he grinned.

As I saw the vandalized word ‘you can do it’ on the top side of the table, I stood up in my old chair. I can do it but I don’t have the courage to face myself in front of everyone for this poem is all about him. My hands are shivering and everybody is laughing because of my nervousness. I’ve swallowed nothing as my heart beats fast and as I arrived in front, I saw Jaehyun staring at me, with his innocent eyes, wavy hair, and his milky white skin that is glowing in the crowd. If only you knew.

“If only you knew..” I’ve whispered the title. Even though I’ve said it in a weak voice, everyone looks like they heard my voice speaking. The atmosphere became serious.

My hands are sweating cold and my voice is unstable. And as I breathe once again, the bell rang. Everyone laughed at me and there is no one to save me from laughters I’ve been receiving. “I’m sorry, Ten. We will hear it tomorrow! Don’t worry. Okay?

Class dismissed, you can now go home. It’s already 5:15!”

Everyone got out of my sight. Taeyong is hesitating at first but someone called his name outside so he has no other choice but to leave. The crowd’s voices is getting softer until it began to be silent.

15 minutes have passed and still, I’m not moving. I’m standing still, in front of the empty chairs, bowing down in loneliness and disappointment. “I’m safe.”

“No you’re not..”

I stepped back as I saw Jaehyun, still in his seat, looking down, avoiding my gaze. He’s still here? “If you’re asking why am I here, is that, I want you to tell me what happened. Why are you like this.” Finally, he asked. This is the thing I’ve been waiting for. Taeyong is the only person that is concerned whenever I feel down, and yet I fell for a guy like him who doesn’t care about what I feel. He’s perfect but lacking.

“I’m sorry if I’m not asking. I’m not good at expressing my feelings and asking what you feel. I’m afraid that it’s my fault that you’re turning like this.”

If only you knew it’s your fault.

I crumpled the paper I’m holding right now and put it inside my pocket. I don’t need this poem right now.

I think, I shouldn’t drag others for the sake of my own feelings. I shouldn’t be selfish right now. I should think of the past when everything is alright.

“Sorry for making you worry.” I said while grinning. I know it looks fake. What can I do? I’m not okay and I don’t feel smiling but I want to restore our relationship. So even though I feel like crying in front of this person, I have no choice but to smile.

I don’t want to lose him.

I don’t want to lose our friendship.

It’s the thing I can do for now. Smiling through the pain must be hard, but I need to endure this because I know, there are better things to happen after this. “Don’t worry about me. I can do this without dragging you guys down. Thank you.” He’s just staring at me, not smiling, confused. It’s sad when you get hurt so much, and all you can say is ‘I’ll get used to it’.

I grabbed my bag and went outside, left him alone in the classroom as I sighed.

“You’re not okay.”

“I know right.” It’s Taeyong. I know it’s him, so I don’t have the need to look right in his eyes, cause when I do, for sure, I’ll just cry. “But it’s okay. Thank you by the way.” I whispered and smile.

He stepped back.

“T-to w-what?”

“Do you have fever? What’s with that red face.” He’s sweating right now and I think maybe it’s the reason he doesn’t want to talk to me; maybe he’s sick. “Is it the reason you don’t want me to get near you? Because you’re sick?”

“Ha-HA-HA-AHA-HA YES! FINALLY YOU KNEW!” I was about to check his temperature but he keeps on stepping back. It’s funny because we’re like dancing in the middle of the hallway. I grinned but now it’s genuine and I feel relaxed. He stopped from stepping back. “You’re smiling right now. It’s pretty.”

“Stop calling me pretty or I’ll smack your .” I grunted and then he laughed. I’m about to smack his for real but I can’t really touch him because he kept on stepping back. “HEY, WHAT’S THE PROBLEM.”

“No touching please. I’m an art. Art should be left untouched.” I rolled my eyes and turned back after he said that. But after I head back, Jaehyun stopped me. Not literally, but my feet stopped after I saw Jaehyun. “Can you guys go home already?” I asked and smile.

“Why? You want us to disappear in front of you already?”

“Yes. Please do so.” Taeyong got pissed, rolled his eyes and walked out. “Where is he heading to?” I asked.

“Hmm. Maybe outside? Actually he’s really scared of ghosts here in school so he might be going home. I’ll just talk to him later. How about you? You’re not going home?”

“I’m not in the mood to be trapped in my cage once again.” He laughed at my metaphor but after that, our classroom’s doorknob locked. I thought I’m the only one who heard it, but he heard it locked as well. “Was there any person inside?” I’m having a goosebumps..

“You know the answer to that question.” He whispered. It’s already 6:30pm. Enough to make this hallway dim, and partly dark. There are light but some are flickering. There are no other students than us in this building. I saw baseball varsities going home already from practice and that is the thing I feared the most. When everyone is gone.

I felt my back is burning. I don’t really know why but every time I feel a burst of emotion, my back felt burning. The feeling is like you’ve placed a hot pack on it in a sudden. It doesn’t hurt that much but you’ll notice the feeling of it.
“Is there something wrong?” He asked as we ran through the hallway, and as I shook my head, we arrived in front of the library. “The gates are already locked. We have no other choice but to sleep inside of this school.” He’s saying it like there is no problem with that. I kept on grunting and grunting worrying about myself not eating, not drinking water, I might die like this here.

Plus, the fear of so called ghosts in this school. They might have been lurking inside of this library.

He’s waiting me to calm down but I’m surprised, his grinning instead of worrying. This guy---

“Jaehyun, I can’t live without...--

Woah, what’s that face.” His pupils contract and his mouth is slightly opened. He was startled.

“I know right. I have bunch of bottles here because you know. I’m always thirsty cause I sweat a lot.”

We get our feet inside the library. It is wide, cold, and the windows are huge. At first, you will think it was made for astronomy and nature lovers who like to watch the heavenly bodies and the nature itself. We sat down on the floor, in front of the windows, as we watched the sky became full of stars. I feel like the moon is watching us right now, greeting us. I leaned my back at one of the bookshelves. The lights are off but we really don’t care anymore. I have him right beside me, I don’t have to be afraid.

The moonlight is like a spotlight in a theater, the trees are like the audience, the stars are the flashes of the cameras capturing every scene, and every moment we’re having.. and we’re like the ones acting Romeo and Juliet. It’s us that shining.

I looked at him. His eyes, his nose, his lips, everything is perfect. His smile is my adrenaline. He’s my everything.

This is the thing I want. We’re alone in silence, talking about things that are nonsense, simple things that no one would understand nor care about. This is what I want to restore. This is the moment that makes me feel good.

As he glanced to me, I shifted my gaze. My face is red, I know.

“Um. So--“

“So-“

“Go ahead first.” He said.

“No. You first.” I insisted.

“So did you remember when did you get your tattoo? I’m still curious how did you get that.” I looked at my back and giggled because it is impossible for me to check my tattoo. How stupid, Ten.

“Maybe before I went inside the plane.” I said. “You know, I went here in Korea because my Mom had troubles at her work. She resigned, and then we planned to fly here. Until one day, our plane crashed.” His face is like converting my words into mathematical expression. He’s processing what I’ve said. Confused, I decided to continue my story.

“I got into a plane crash. I have this cliche type of story that can be compared in dramas but yes, it happens in real life.”

“Can I ask who’s the one who saved you?” I shifted my stare on him. Suspiciously, I leered.

“How did you know someone saved me?”

“Because in dramas, someone will save you from those accidents.” He bit his lower lip. Seriously this guy, I was thinking about the chances that maybe he’s the one that saved me. I guess I’m wrong. Perhaps, he’s not in Thailand. It’s a Thailand flight. “I’m from America, but I feel scared to fly right now hahahaha.”

“Same. And so yeah, someone saved me as I fell asleep, and woke up here. I’m here in Korea til I found out that my Mom died, dad is missing, Tern, I don’t know where she is. I found out that I’m alone. That’s why maybe, they’re calling me a corpse, because I really lived like a corpse, but you know, It’s the past. Right now, I’m not, I guess. I feel like a human now.”

He smiled and leaned his head on my shoulders and my body got stiffed.

“I feel like a human now because I got you.

You’ve changed my life, Jung Jaehyun.”

I stared at him, sleeping, as I leaned my back on the bookshelves once more for us to be in comfort. I’ve noticed the crumpled paper that I’ve put inside my pocket. It’s worthless now. But still---

I gasped for air. I will let this thing out.

”If only you knew.. By Ten Leechaiyakul.

If only you knew..

If only you knew that I care for you

If only you knew how much I think of you

If only you knew all the things I cannot say

If only you knew how much I truly wanted to be with you

If only you knew how much those little things mattered to me

If only you knew how much I love you

That even though I’ll try to deny it,

At the end of the day, you’re still on my mind

If only you knew..

If only you knew...”