Cycle of Doubt

NCT didn't have a leader, they were an open rotational group who could form units as they pleased. Doyoung knows this much, he personally introduces the group each and every time and probably until forever even if the units change. Still, he can't help but feel the need to watch over and protect everyone. Even the hyungs who are awkward and have the weight of the title on their shoulders. It's easy for him to watch over everyone, keep things smooth, but Doyoung still feels guilty when it was announced that he would debut before much more deserving members.

He tells this to Johnny almost every other night over the phone. It's not face-to-face because after the unit debut management moved them into a separate dorm. At first the six of them were elated to have more space to breathe but the initial happiness wore off soon. The dorm was too big, there was so much space and lack of constant noise it was border-line unnerving. “Hey, don't be sad, you deserve this Doyoung-ah,” Johnny yawns over the phone because it's two in the morning. Doyoung emits a small whine and wants to argue back 'no, I'm not. You should have debuted' but he's said this a hundred times already and he doubts Johnny wants to hear it again. “Maybe you should talk to the other members about this...?”

“No,” he replies before Johnny can even get the last syllable out. He hears a snort on the other line and can practically feel the Chicagoan roll his eyes. “It's just, I don't want to cause trouble. We just debuted-”

“Which is why you need to confront this early,” Johnny crackles on the other line, “aren't you supposed to be the smart one,” the older man jokes which causes Doyoung to chuckle softly. After letting the laughter die down, Johnny continues with as much love as one can emit at ungodly hours of the day, “Go to sleep Doyoungie. And stop calling me so often, damn.” Doyoung laughs again and even though he knows Johnny would pick up at even four or five in the morning he thinks the brunette deserves a break from him.

Doyoung sighs heavily, rests his head against his arms as he leans across the kitchen table, but practically jumps out of the seat like a rabbit people say he resembles at the sound of a voice.

It's Mark. The Canadian mumbles something out in English but follows with, “What are you doing up, hyung?”

Quick, think of an excuse. Doyoung wracks his brain and hopes Mark is tired enough (from the way the child's eyes are barely open he guesses it's very) to accept any answer.

“I was getting water.”

Mark seems to chew over the answer but doesn't ask anything else. Doyoung watches with worn-in fondness as the younger boy gets a glass of water and stumbles back to the room he shares with Taeyong. Deciding that he should get some sleep too, Doyoung turns off the light as he too wobbles into the room where Ten is sleeping soundly. He plops onto the bed, not even bothering with the covers, and instead just curls into himself like a child and slips into unconsciousness.

(*)

Debut week is furious and all over the place. Nerves are high along with stress and Doyoung wonders if they'll be well received. It turns out that he had little to worry about, even with Taeyong's past scandal the fans seem to flock to his protection like mother hens because they understand he's taken a hard look at already judges himself too much.

It's endearing.

The excitement of the first week bleeds into the second but Doyoung's already feeling the high wear off. He wonders if this is what it was like for his brother—other idols—or if he's just a weirdo. By no means does Doyoung think they lack, they might not be as strong as some other rookies, but that's what training's for, right? It's just that the comments on Naver and Youtube all say the same thing, how Mark has grown up since pre-debut, fans protecting Taeyong, gushing over Ten and his, well, everything. And of course there's oodles of comments praising Jaehyun and Taeil's vocals. Doyoung scrolls through them before they go on stage and after. It's honestly become such a bad habit that the manager threatens to confiscate his phone.

Of course Doyoung can't let that happen because how will he escape boredom? Or avoid conversations by pretending to be on the phone?

Taeyong described him as glass once, transparent and fragile. Well, the way the blonde put it was more eloquent but that's all Doyoung is, too emotional and easy to break. He puts his emotions on his sleeve even though he hates it, and his long, gangly limbs doesn't help go against the 'fragile' image people see him as.

He honestly hates it because he needs to be strong; for all of them.

“Hyung, you look a little pale,” Jaehyun comments. Oh the irony.

Taeil and Taeyong both stop their elderly banter and stare at him through the practice room mirror. Transparent. The word repeats in his head and when Doyoung stares at his own reflection he kind of wants to laugh and cry. Compared to everyone in the unit, even the youngest, he looks the most scared and unsure. His eyes are wide, wider than usual these days, and he looks tense and apprehensive as if ready to run at the slightest hint of trouble.

Is this what being an idol was like?

Doyoung wets his lips and wrings his fingers, “I'm fine guys, really,” he says with a playful voice and slight shove as Jaehyun comes a little too close for comfort. These days it's harder to push the younger around, the caramel brunette sturdier and more solid than before. Before Jaehyun can say something, probably to complain about abuse, Ten and Mark shout about how hungry they are and the world keeps turning.

“Just give it time, they'll love you once they get to know you, like us.”

Doyoung sets his lips in a thin line and looks out the window to the darkened sky.

“Hey, are you still there? Doyoung-ah,” Johnny croons sweetly, “don't ignore hyung, it's not nice.”

“I'm still here hyung. I was just...thinking.”

Johnny hums on the other end. “Fans just need time. Before you know it you'll have shrines dedicated to you.”

“If that's the case than I might just stop being an idol,” Doyoung jokes and while Johnny laughs he can't help but feel guilty. He's only half joking. Idols are supposed to be perfect, and if you weren't perfect (which no one is if he were being honest) you had to at least fake it. Doyoung doesn't like faking things but at the same time he's faking being alright so maybe he should take a long, hard look at his principals.

Johnny interrupts his self-loathing for an announcement, “Seriously, you can't just call a guy up at the of dawn and not talk.”

“Sorry hyung.”

Johnny sighs, “Dongyoung,” uh-oh, his real name, “you need to talk to the other members. I'm worried about you. We all are.”

Doyoung swallows thickly. Part of him knows that what Johnny is saying is right but another part of him wants to cut his losses and run back home. Maybe go to college and become an accountant. NCT is, after all, a fluid group. People can come and go as they please and it's not like fans would miss him and the members would forget him after a while because new faces—more talented than he—will pop up. They don't need you, they're better off without you, the voices in his head whisper. Doyoung gnaws on his bottom lip and turns on the television, muting the sound but watching the flashing pictures attentively.

“Okay?”

“I'll...talk to you later.”

Before Johnny can say a proper goodbye, or protest, Doyoung ends the call and throws his phone on the other side of the couch. This time it's Taeil who stumbles upon him, enraptured by whatever morning show is going on. Taeil is hard to read. He's the opposite of Taeyong who looks cold but is an actual dork.

Taeil squints, “Did you stay up all night?”

Doyoung's eyes dart every which way. It's almost as if Taeil can see right through him though, much like a skeleton flower that bares it's veins after a downpour.

“No, I just woke up a few minutes ago.”

The questions don't go any further because Taeyong walks in with a drowsy Jaehyun trailing closely behind. Doyoung avoids their gazes and looks back to the show.

(*)

“You've been acting weird.”

Doyoung lowers his phone so he can stare properly at Jaehyun with a raised brow. “Coming from you,” he teases, nudging the brunette's sitting form with his foot. Jaehyun just frowns though and for a second Doyoung believes that Johnny told him something. Whereas Doyoung is transparent, Jaehyun is translucent. The younger singer isn't necessarily hard to read but his emotions are diluted and diffused like light through a window. Jaehyun was all frosted glass while he was diamond clear.

“I miss you,” Jaehyun mumbles as he encompasses Doyoung's thin frame in his athletic one.

Doyoung laughs at the childish antics, “What are you talking about, I'm right here?”

Jaehyun just hugs tighter though as if letting go would mean Doyoung disappearing completely.

(*)

Surprisingly, it's Ten who calls a team meeting in the practice room. Also surprisingly, Doyoung is absent which sets Jaehyun on edge. “Is Doyoungie-hyung coming? Shouldn't we wait for him,” he questions as he stares at the closed door, waiting for the red-head to walk in with a nervous grin and some convoluted explanation on why he's late. Ten just shakes his head; however, and replies, “This is about Doyoung.”

“So you've noticed it too,” Taeyong interrupts with concerned eyes.

“It's hard not too,” Taeil responds as Ten nods along.

Mark and Jaehyun look on helplessly as they give the three hyungs confused looks. “Can someone explain what's going on,” Mark huffs slightly agitated for being out of the loop. Jaehyun doesn't say anything, just furrows his brows because he has a small inkling to the telepathic message the trio are communicating.

“Doyoung is putting a lot of pressure on himself,” Taeil starts off slowly, slightly unsure of himself as all eyes zero in on him, “I don't think he's very confident. Johnny told me-”

Ten shouts, undignified, “He told you something! I've been bugging him for a week straight-”

“Maybe because you shout,” Taeil hisses and Ten immediately shuts up, “so, what are we going to do?”

“That's why I called the meeting, I'm not sure...”

A heavy silence falls among the five. Parasitic thoughts and worries crowd their brain. The thought of Doyoung going through this alone, suffering in silence so they weren't burdened—

“We'll just have to show him he's loved,” Jaehyun speaks up with firm resolve that the other members find themselves quickly joining in.

“Just don't go and harass him,” Mark teases and the mood lightens up considerably.

Perhaps the only thing Doyoung doesn't know is just how easy it is to fall for him. He's the sun, an angel in disguise who is much too humble to see just what he brings to the team. The member plan on showing him though that he's cherished immensely and there was no stopping their plan once it's set in motion.  

A/N: An intro of things to come! Doyoung is a precious, self-conscious singer and Johnny literally only has speaking parts in this chapter lol but will Doyoung let himself be showered in affection? Probably not, but it's a good thing the boys are stubborn. Please don't forget to comment/subscribe and I hope you enjoyed the first chapter! More fluff in the next one^^