11.7k words. reposted once again because the first one got cut before the ending due to formatting problems ig. :-c fic was written ~2 years ago so writing style may differ as to how i do now

---

 

Sehun hasn’t went back home since college nor has he even bothered to visit his grandparents in the province. He doesn’t even remember the last time he’s seen his parents not built in pixels outside of a screen. The last time they legitimately talked for a long time had been two days after high school graduation with a seventy-six minute video call on Skype where they spent more than half of it asking each other if they’re either frozen or choppy than the actual congratulatory greetings. It ended without a proper goodbye because Sehun’s phone battery died before his mother could even finish asking what his program was because she forgot.

 

Sehun figured it was okay, they’re family anyway and he’s long accepted it already that it’s all that he can have coming from his parents.

 

He doesn’t remember feeling anything as he stepped out of the two-storey house he’s spent living in ever since he was born. He left the empty house for a small apartment in Seodaemun district and considered it his home. Sometimes he likes to play house because it seems fitting enough that Chanyeol and Baekhyun can be his parents and Jongin can be his brother of some sort. He’s never played house a child so he doesn’t know the mechanics. He could’ve played it with his brother if he’d been around in his physical form instead of the distinct coldness that no one in his family could shake off.

 

It’s even possible, that it may be the reason why his parents moved to California right before his Senior year.

 

Maybe that's why he doesn't come home at all, because there isn't really anyone to come home to.

 

Sehun's never been aware of familial love until he's twenty-four and newly employed as the manager of clothing store ELD's second branch in Myeongdong.

 

"Myeongdong is nice," Jongin says, leading the way, because despite having lived in Seoul since college, he's never actually went to this part of the capital save for the few times Chanyeol and Baekhyun would either ask him out to eat or shop. It's nearing midnight and fortunately, Jongin manages to drag Sehun out of the hole he calls his job. "You should try to explore it some time. I know someone who could take you out."

 

"Is this your subtle way of setting me up on a date... again?" Jongin laughs and taps on his shoulder. Sehun isn't really looking forward to dating anyone coming from Jongin. Frankly speaking, Jongin's connections in the business world isn't helping Sehun's love life at all. He remembers some guy named Kim Jongdae who threw up on him after riding the cable car to Namsan Park and that Huang Zitao who flirted with him shamelessly all night and called him at four in the morning to apologize and cry his undying love for s out loud.

 

Needless to say, he isn’t thrilled with this at all.

 

"I don't think that would be a possibility," says Jongin as his laughter dies out out. "And we're also meeting him tonight at noona’s shop."

 

Jongin’s noona’s shop is located along the heart of Myeongdong with its exorbitant interior and reasonably priced meals. Its floor to ceiling glass windows occupy the exterior wall—and then there's a knock. Three loud taps on the glass window just a few feet away from them. On the other side of the glass, a little boy whose head is entirely covered by a bright red snapback overlapping with his ears waves at them enthusiastically with both arms.

 

"Jongin-hyung!" The kid shouts, albeit a little muffled but still loud enough to distinguish among the variety of sounds. Jongin waves back in comical motion with both arms much like the kid’s; people were starting to shoot them judging looks and Sehun considers stepping away from the scene before Jongin grabs his wrist to pull him inside.

 

“By the way, he’s your date for tonight.” Jongin teases as he pushes the glass double doors of the store.

 

“You’re setting me up with a kid?”

 

“I know you like older but there’s nothing wrong with a little experimenting.” Jongin remarks. I’m not that desperate, he wants to say. But Jongin couldn’t possibly be serious even if he isn’t really the best when it comes to setting up blind dates.

 

“Hyung!”

 

“Little Lu!”

 

Jongin picks and twirls the kid, Little Lu, around so many times that it almost looks like some sort of ending to a dramatic movie with a dramatic scene in a dramatic reunion. How dramatic. Just when Jongin stops spinning did they actually start paying Sehun some attention.

 

“Oh, Ziyu-yah. I’d like you to meet Sehun, Sehunnie-hyung.“ Jongin introduces him, and it’s his cue to smile and act cute like he always does when there’s a kid around just to impress.

 

What a cute kid, Sehun notices. Ziyu stares at Sehun with his doe-like eyes with innocence, "Samchon." he suddenly says.

 

"Sam...chon?" Sehun croaks. Samchon. Uncle.

 

“Yes,” he points at Sehun, “Samchon!”

 

"He considers everyone as family so he calls everyone with familial honorifics." Jongin explains seeing the horrified expression on his face.

 

“But—“

 

"Yours isn’t the worst. He calls his babysitters, noona and they aren’t even girls.” That shut Sehun up. But really, it doesn’t make being called uncle any better. He doesn’t even have nieces of his own. It’s not that bad, he supposes. It’s just something new.

 

“Where’s your baba?” Jongin asks Ziyu, who points a few feet away to someone walking in their direction. He looks like an oversized version of Ziyu, minus the red snapback. He looks like he came straight out of a manga with his sparkly eyes and honey blond hair. Sehun’s never seen anyone cute and still have a vibe that shows that he isn’t as soft as he looks like. Ziyu’s brother perhaps, Sehun thinks.

 

“You let him call you samchon.” the guy points out, before turning to Jongin. “Can he come here everyday?”

 

“Well he works a block away from here.” Jongin answers. Were they just talking about me? The two of them converse in whispers as if Luhan isn’t around before the other guy looks at him.

 

“Feel free to call him little Lu.” he says, “I’m Luhan, his father.”

 

His father. Ziyu’s father. Oh. He looks too young to have a son but Sehun doesn’t bother to comment. Sehun’s a little dumbstruck. He looks to young to be a father. Too cute how can he--Luhan goes back to wiping the counter this time although it looks perfectly clean. Jongin taps his shoulder as if telling him to go introduce himself.

 

“I’m Sehun, I—“

 

"Samchon!" His eye twitches. He isn’t anywhere near the average samchon age. He is only twenty-four (He isn’t even half-fifty, he’s a year short but that doesn’t mean he’s old!), it’s only right to call him hyung.

 

“It’s hyung!” he whines and it’s futile, but at least he’s trying. Ziyu’s attention gets caught by something from behind and he frowns.

 

“Hide me!” he says, grabbing Sehun’s dress pants and he almost stumbles.

 

“Sorry, we’re late,” someone says.

 

“You’re two hours late,” Luhan says over the counter, “It’s time to go home with Kyungsoo and Yixing-noona, Ziyu.” He calls them noona. Must be the babysitters.

 

“Okay, baba.” he sighs in defeat. His grip on Sehun’s pants loosens. Before it suddenly tightens into a ball, enough to catch Sehun’s attention, “Are you gonna come back?” The glimmer in his eyes were filled with hope, and Sehun’s no good with kids. He’s never been good with attachments either. But Sehun finds himself nodding anyway.

 

“Give me your pinky!” Ziyu says before forcefully pulling Sehun’s hand. “Your hands are so dirty, samchon. Why is it pink, why is it blue, why is it...”

 

The guy named Kyungsoo interrupts them just as Ziyu’s thumb meets with his, “Give your baba a goodnight kiss, It’s time to go!”

 

“Alright, alright!” Ziyu says, walking over to Sehun before throwing his hands up in front of the two guys as if asking to carry him.

 

“Carry him, Lay-hyung.” Kyungsoo orders. The other guy, Yixing, smiles as if in amusement before carrying Ziyu over to Luhan. Ziyu easily latches himself in Luhan’s arms and kisses him on the cheek as Luhan rambles on. Don’t give your noonas a hard time. Force Kyungsoo-noona to bathe you before you sleep. No snacks on the bed. Don’t forget to—It was so long that he could see Kyungsoo rolling his eyes in boredom and Yixing trying so hard not to laugh from his peripheral vision.

 

“This happens, every single day.” Jongin whispers from the side, and as soon as Luhan says his goodbye, Kyungsoo drags Ziyu away from Luhan.

 

“See you tomorrow, samchon!” Ziyu screams before the door closes and soon enough, his red snapback quickly camouflages along the palette of Myeongdong’s crowd.

 

---

 

Sehun has been working full-time as ELD’s store manager immediately after college. ELD was all the rage back then (even until now), it has always been since it exploded in the Korean fashion industry in the year 2013. They’re great in selling casual clothing in season and quite frankly, Kim Joonmyun’s face and body. Who, without a doubt, rides the Hallyu wave like he’s been riding it all of his life; King of Asian Entertainment, South Korea’s Bread Fairy otherwise known as the $uho is ridiculously famous that he could bring all the neighborhood ahjummas to the yard with his jams. Even Baekhyun (who is arguably straight) fanboys over his huge man crush over the $uho like any other crazed fangirl out there. (“Someday I’ll lock him up in a cage and keep him away from the world forever.”) The Kim Joonmyun can sell anything associated to him, which probably explains why the clothes he wears on his seasonal ELD photoshoots are the ones that usually get sold out first.

 

So when ELD opened up a second branch in Myeongdong, Sehun didn’t really think he’d end up being appointed as the store’s manager (but he ended up getting the job anyway). They even gave him his own office just at the back of the store (and another on the company building in Yeoksam).

 

At work, Sehun has projected this calm and kind workaholic store manager front that he had somehow effortlessly built.

 

His weekdays were spent working outside home, sometimes his Saturdays, and rarely, even Sundays. If he isn’t too busy with work, Saturdays were spent with Jongin in an almost run-down dance practice room somewhere in Itaewon.

 

On his normal work days, either Chanyeol (Whenever he isn’t too busy with graduate school.) or Baekhyun (He’s almost never busy anyway.) would drag him out of his job to eat lunch or dinner in a cheap place usually chosen by either Sehun or Chanyeol (on rare occasions, Jongin too if he happens to have time to spare) for Baekhyun’s sake (the guy cannot even afford proper housing).

 

Just like what happened today, before Jongin came and brought him to Dumplings&Noodles, he ate lunch with Baekhyun--which meant Baekhyun reminding (more like nagging) Sehun to eat and other motherly things.

 

“I couldn’t contact Chanyeollie,” Baekhyun had said, dragging Sehun by the hand out of ELD while simultaneously sneaking a glance at the large poster of $uho just outside of ELD. Sehun could almost hear his internal squeals despite the noise from the outside speakers.

 

They enter a Chinese place they usually eat in with almost-free food and when all the food is placed and they start to eat. Sehun prepares himself for Baekhyun’s—

 

“Sehunnie...” Baekhyun dropped his chopsticks beside the bowl, looking at Sehun, then back down at the rice. Heaving a sigh in between each move. He looked at Sehun dead in the eye; wiggling his philtrum. “Something’s been concerning me for quite a while.”

 

“What is it?” Sehun asked, nonchalantly even if he has an inkling of what it might be.

 

“You really need more friends. Stop pretending to be such a workaholic. We all know how much you think about dancing during the day like it’s the only thing that’s keeping you alive." Baekhyun said, picking on his rice. Sehun wondered if this is a side effect of being poor. With droopy eyes; he his lips.

 

Although, Baekhyun did have a point. Sehun doesn’t really have much friends. It’s just him, Baekhyun, Chanyeol, Jongin. His small little group of friends.

 

“That’s not—“

 

“All? Oh yeah, you want to splatter paint all over subway walls or spray paint on freeway overpasses ‘cause it lacks life? Whatever that means.” Baekhyun brutally stabbed the complementary Jin Deui with a toothpick, “You’re a dancer, Sehun. Not Picasso.”

 

“I’m a store manager.” He reminded Baekhyun.

 

“Oh yeah, yeah. I know,” Baekhyun rolled his eyes, his voice sounded bitter, “That’s why you aren’t 2,000 won short to afford lunch.”

 

“At least, you enjoy your work.” Sehun said the last four words almost with envy. He smiled. “Not that I don’t have fun with my job.” It was crooked. He takes a napkin and wipes it on his mouth. He was sitting up too straight as if he was in one of those monthly meetings held by the area manager.

 

“It’s not so fun with an empty stomach.” The pout upon Baekhyun’s lips looked pitiable. But not enough to convince him.

 

Sure, he was broke and homeless almost every other month, sells paint in the morning and sings at jazz bars, underground clubs, and sometimes even on the streets when he’s really tight with money. There were even harder times when he used to live in saunas, goshiwon rooms and PC Bangs before settling down on his rooftop apartment like in those dramas when the protagonist is broke and unfortunate.

 

If Sehun hadn’t known better, he would’ve thought Baekhyun’s dream is to live a life much like those of Korean dramas. But he knows that Baekhyun’s dream was to become an idol. He’s twenty-seven now and he still wears his high school uniform on days when he runs out of clothes to wear. He’s already past the range of idol age and maybe his dream had already died down along the years. But surely, his passion for singing hadn’t. He has always been sure with what he wants (and Sehun secretly envies him for that).

 

Sehun returns to ELD after waving Baekhyun goodbye (“Don’t think about it too much, okay?” Baekhyun said before turning around, Sehun tries not to understand what he means by that.). Entering the store, some of the employees would stop on their tracks to greet him with a bow. Sehun stares at the walls and the cream uniforms in motion. The store’s audio was booming a $uho song from his third album.

 

This is where I belong, Sehun would like to think. But he doesn’t really know if that is the truth. Through the years that he has spent working at ELD, he could sincerely say that he likes doing his job. He knows what to do whenever a customer causes a scene and disrespects his employees, (if he chooses to) he gets to work at home during the weekend and the pay’s good.

 

He’s supposed to be more satisfied than that (and he is).

 

---

 

Jongin treats him to kalguksu right after Ziyu has left and asks Luhan to clock-out early so he could sit with them. They talk about Ziyu, mostly. With an overly-eager Luhan showing of his pictures among a thousand from his phone’s photo gallery. Looking at him this way makes Sehun wonder how much of an influence Ziyu is to his father. Jongin excuses himself in the middle of their talk.

 

“You two should go together,” Jongin suggests. “Luhan-hyung’s apartment is on the way to yours.”

 

He wonders if this is Jongin’s motive in the first place; Luhan answers for him, “I guess we will.”

 

The both of them leave just an hour after Jongin’s left and Luhan’s still talking about Ziyu and that time when he first began Primary school and Ziyu couldn’t go alone that Luhan sat beside him in class for a week before he reluctantly let Luhan go and cling unto his new found friend in the form of his seatmate.

 

“Ziyu gets easily attached to people,” Luhan tells him. “It’s my fault, really. I raised him to believe that everyone is family.”

 

“You better come back tomorrow,” he warns him, Sehun struggles not to laugh because he seemed serious enough that he’d probably have Sehun’s neck if he doesn’t agree.

 

“I will.” he says, while nodding. Luhan smiles.

 

“Jongin has told me that you’re in need of friends.” Luhan says. Jongin is embarrassing, Sehun decides. But it doesn’t seem like Luhan thinks so. “I wouldn’t mind friends.” he motions for a handshake and Sehun agrees. He isn’t good with attachments but he supposes it’s okay. They’re family anyway. And it wouldn’t hurt to have new company.

 

Maybe his life won’t be so gray anymore.

 

---

 

Pinky promises are hard to break, Sehun realizes this as soon as he finds himself visiting Dumplings&Noodles almost everyday in between breaks and after work to get played at by a kid who barely even reaches his waist

 

“Good evening Sehun.” Luhan greets as he makes his way to the counter after work.

 

Regardless of his slightly authoritative demeanor, it isn’t that hard to get along with Luhan. With his carefree smiles he sends to just about anyone. He seems like one of those people who’s never had to trouble themselves with the dramatic side of life. Not with the way he dispenses smiles at almost anything and everything and laughs at the smallest of things. It’s unfortunate that Sehun has always been peeved with people who are like him. It just doesn’t make sense how he can’t bring himself to dislike Luhan even for just a little bit.

 

“Evening, Luhan-hyung.”

 

It’s quite the opposite, actually.

 

“Samchon!” Ziyu beams and climbs over the length of Sehun’s leg. Shaking it gently, like it isn’t a leg but rather a toy. Sehun doesn’t mind but it wasn’t long before Ziyu stops and says something else, “What are you two doing here?!”

 

“We’re here to do what we’re being paid to do,” Kyungsoo deadpans.

 

“But noona, I don’t want to go! Samchon just got here!” Kyungsoo pinches the bridge of his nose and says something along the lines of, “I don’t get paid enough for this.”

 

“Play time’s over, kid.” Yixing adds, laughing as if he’s enjoying the scene.

 

“Do something, samchon!” he says, shaking his leg so hard that the thought of it possibly getting detached crossed his mind. Really, it’s adorable.

 

“It’s time to go to bed, Ziyu.” Luhan says, and Ziyu surrenders by unlatching himself off of Sehun. A cute pout rests on his lips. Sehunwould rather wipe it away though.

 

“I’ll come here earlier tomorrow,” Sehun says, “Is that okay with you?” Ziyu nods a little too many times and Sehun laughs.

 

---

 

Luhan’s shift ends exactly two hours and a half after ELD closes. Luhan always tells him it’s fine if he goes without him but Sehun still waits for Luhan to finish closing-up before they go home together. It’s nice to go home with someone, and he really enjoys the excitement in Luhan’s voice whenever he talks about Ziyu. It’s like someone’s telling him what childhood feels like, and it fascinates him.

 

They get out of the subway station, and just as Sehun’s foot is about to take off from the last step. Sehun stops dead in his tracks, because all of a sudden, his hand feels warm.

 

"It's a habit of mine," Luhan explains as he realizes that Sehun’s stopped walking, fiddling his fingers against his. "You should get used to it." he laughs, and Luhan’s laugh is comical that Sehun can't help but let his heart drop.

 

This is weird, he thinks. His cheeks are tingling.

 

It must’ve been the breeze of wind. It’s summer. Winds are uncommon. The sensation just feels foreign enough to make him blush. It isn’t because Luhan’s holding his hand. It isn’t.

 

“Let’s go?” Luhan breathes, pulling Sehun’s hand along with him.

 

Their hands were red to the touch.

 

---

 

“Were you wanking yourself off? What took you so long to answer the door?” Chanyeol says as he barges in Sehun’s apartment at three a.m in the morning with cola and a black plastic bag in both of his hands. He’s wearing a long-sleeved shirt even though the night’s the most humid it has been since summer began. Sehun doesn’t even bother to cover up his yawn.

 

“I wasn’t expecting you as a visitor. I was trying to sleep but you wouldn’t actually care about that because you just woke me up.”

 

“Visitors,” he corrects. “Go fetch Baekhyunnie outside, I think he dozed off at the hallway.”

 

True enough, Baekhyun’s curled up beside the plastic potted plant a few feet away from the door while cuddling what seems to be... baguettes? Sehun sits down beside Baekhyun. He looks tired. He’s still wearing his work clothes (a waiter’s uniform which doubles as his performing clothes whenever he gets a gig).

 

“Baekhyun-hyung” he nudges, and Baekhyun jolts awake, wide eyes rolling everywhere as if inspecting for potential ninja attacks that caused his awakening before his eyes land on Sehun’s face.

 

“It’s just you.”

 

“What do you mean, it’s just me?” Sehun says, holding his hand out to pull Baekhyun up. Baekhyun rejects it and stands up on his own feet. Sehun scoffs.

 

“Your shirt’s a little dirty,” Chanyeol observes once the three of them are inside the grim apartment, “Have you been painting again?”

 

They enter the living room and Chanyeol’s turned the lamp on already as the only source of light. Chanyeol’s staring at the walls, as he always has whenever he visits Sehun’s apartment.

 

“Something’s up.” he states without turning his attention to the both of them. “Your wall looks happy.”

 

---

 

Sehun’s developed an obsession over painting his walls a few years after he first moved in his apartment. It started small with a smear of paint in the wall before it got out of hand and now everything seems to be in chaos when it comes to his walls. Sometimes, he isn’t even so sure if he could use any more colors because he’s probably used them all up already.

 

He tells other people that there’s no reason. That he just likes painting, or that painting is his hobby even though no one’s really asking. There’s probably a reason why he does what he does. But maybe it’s something Sehun’s forgotten already, or at least, something he’s trying to forget.

 

---

 

Their apartment buildings were only five minutes away by foot from each other. His and Luhan’s, so it’s only customary, as Ziyu’s uncle, to visit his nephew even after work or during the weekend or when he has time off from work (basically anything that isn’t work is spent with Ziyu, and Luhan, of course).

 

“It isn’t fair how you’ve went to our apartment a couple of times already and yet I haven’t even went to yours.” Luhan says, in realization as they climb up the stairs of the subway station.

 

“My apartment’s a little... weird.” Sehun says, putting it as simple as he can.

 

“Why?” Luhan nudges him with his elbow, “Are you hiding any dead bodies?”

 

“Something like that.”

 

“Sehun-ah!” Luhan pushes his shoulder, slightly and he laughs. “So are we going or are we going?”

 

Luhan didn’t really give him much of a choice. So he says, “Fine.”

 

It’s almost ten minutes on the way to his apartment, and Sehun’s heartbeat is fast as his hand shakes while he’s pressing the passcode for the third time before his door lets them enter.

 

“It’s so dark in here,” Luhan observes, “Don’t you have any lights?”

 

“To hide the dead bodies,” Sehun says, his expression still stoic. He can already imagine the judging looks Luhan’s sending him in the dark.

 

“Stop joking, Sehun-ah.”

 

Sehun laughs, “I’ll turn on the lamp.” He locates the lamp just beside the sofa and the room lights up dimly, letting the vibrant filling in most parts of the apartment wall glow to life.

 

“Woah.”

 

“It’s weird, I know.”

 

“I was going to say beautiful.” he says, and it’s probably a lie because the colors were uncoordinated since all Sehun ever does when he’s painting is mix all the colors together until he runs out of paint. He paints his walls according to his mood. That’s why underneath all those bright colors are dulled gray and black, and under those are—

 

“I have to go now, Ziyu’s probably wondering where I am right now.” Luhan says, after a few minutes of scrutinizing the walls. Sehun’s never felt so exposed in his life. Sehun nods and he makes sure they get out as fast as he can before he forgets how to breathe with how long he’s been holding his breathe the moments they’ve stepped inside his apartment.

 

The air is warm and they walk side by side in silence. There’s never been a silent time when they’re together. He wonders if this means that something’s changed before Luhan breaks it.

 

“I came here to study at first.” Luhan breathes, before reaching out to hold his hand. His grip is tight. “I was eighteen, I moved with Ziyu and my cousin, Yifan before he left a few years back. I couldn’t continue studies anymore when Ziyu started schooling. So I stopped and now I just need money to get by.”

 

He looks at Luhan, somewhere in between amazement and disbelief, because why was Luhan telling this to him, now? And how can he say all that while he was smiling?

 

“Why are you always smiling?” Sehun asks without even thinking.

 

“There’s no reason not to smile.” Luhan says and his smile growing even wider. His cheeks are tingling again but the air is still this time. He waves him goodbye before entering the apartment building and Sehun hadn’t even noticed they were already in front of it. He spends a minute just standing there staring at where Luhan had been standing just a minute ago before forcing his feet to move on to his way.

 

He half-expected for things to be a little different after, but Luhan stays the same almost as if opening up doesn’t change anything. He’s pretending, Sehun could tell. He’s pretending to make everything easy. He smiles like everything’s okay, like it isn’t weird that Sehun paint his walls unfashionably as if he understands or that there’s a part of him that Sehun knows unsettles him in ways he tries not to.

 

But Luhan makes everything easy. That’s just how he is. There hasn’t been a time when anything would be difficult when it comes to Luhan. And it scares Sehun how easy it had been for him to start feeling the way he does now. He hadn't really intended to. But by the way he finds himself staring at the way Luhan’s eyes scrunches up whenever he laughs at the simplest of things like Sehun’s pointy chin, or the way his heart speeds up when Luhan routinely takes his hand as they walk side by side on their way home.

 

He knows he's not in love just yet, and he isn't supposed to let it be. Luhan's just warm, like the summer sun in the middle of the day. And it won't be long before that warmth disappears to be replaced with the cold rain. It'll be easy for him, he hopes, to get over whatever he's feeling for Luhan.

 

Sehun thinks, maybe he'd start feeling a little less for Luhan as each summer day passed. But as fall came, he knows that not even a change in season could change what has already started.

 

---

 

“Do you really not consider my sleep,” Sehun says eyeing Chanyeol who’s holding a small plastic bag in his left hand, “at all?”

 

“I brought coffee!” he says, ignoring Sehun’s question. “And Baekhyun too, he should be outside with snacks!”

 

(Baekhyun’s in the same position as he had been the last time, only he’s hugging a black plastic bag now.)

 

They’re gathered in the kitchen now, sharing ddeokbokki in silence before Chanyeol breaks it.

 

"So when are you going to introduce your boyfriend to us?" Chanyeol says, sipping on his coffee.

 

Sehun furrows his eyebrows, "What are you talking about?"

 

"Don't act like we haven't noticed."

 

“Noticed what?”

 

“Your wall’s been screaming happy for a month now.”

 

"You know why I don't date." Sehun says, laughing a little.

 

"I was the one who got dumped, not you. You shouldn't let other people's heartbreaks get to you." Baekhyun says nonchalantly. And it took everything in Sehun not to say that it’s already too late because the image of Baekhyun's crooked smile as he inspected the long red lines jagged along the surface is still stuck in his head like fresh wounds that won't heal.

 

“But I did get dumped, remember?” Sehun says, and Baekhyun visibly gulps.

 

The conversation’s about to go in a direction Sehun knows he isn’t ready to face.

 

“Baekhyun’s got a gig coming up,” Chanyeol says breaking the forming ice. He lets out a sigh of relief.

 

---

 

During Sehun’s first year of high school, he finds out that he is fascinated with the way the boy’s lips who sat beside him on the fourth row curved up even if it isn’t really the first time that he’s seen it. His first love didn’t come straight and fast through his heart, it came with a turning point, cheeks dusted with red and the sense of familiarity that smile evokes. At the beginning, he shrugged it off as admiration. Months later, however, he inevitably finds out the difference between love and admiration (it was love).

 

It scared Sehun for a while and he didn’t plan on confessing at all. He was hoping it would pass just like that one time he had a crush on a girl in Primary school before he found out that his neighbor liked her too and they ended up fighting over her with rock-paper-scissors (no one won because they kept on cheating) and then they went home together drinking from the same orange juicebox. It marked the beginning of Chanyeol and his’ friendship.

 

He hadn’t planned on confessing, but he ended up doing just that when they were both inside the school’s restrooms. It was evening and it wasn’t Sehun who initiated it but he was the one pulling on his tie as if he feared the kissing would stop if he didn’t. He confessed afterwards in a whim and the only thing that was said is “Can you kiss me again?” And Sehun did. His lips were still a plump red, and his black hair a mess when he walked side by side with him; the taste of rejection still fresh from his lips. But a kiss was a kiss and Sehun had been stubborn enough to chase after him in the most unconventional ways. He eventually gave in to Sehun’s insistence and Sehun couldn’t have been any happier.

 

His parents found out six months later, when Jongin broke up with him just because he’s scared they’d get caught (That’s why Jongin still tries so hard to make it up to him by setting him up with other people who could maybe give Sehun the happiness he couldn’t give). It hurt him so bad, even his parents noticed. So he told them the truth, that his heart just got broken because of a boy.

 

His parents didn’t say anything. They just looked at him as if it’s the first time they’ve seen him. It’s probably true. They were blaming themselves. In the night, his parents didn’t know he’s heard them whisper from the room down the hallway when he couldn’t sleep that one time he happened to pass by, they whisper: Did we do anything wrong? Were we not good parents? If his brother had been here, do you think...?

 

Sehun's experienced quite a handful of second-hand heartbreaks. He puts them all in a list, unintentionally formatted and ordered chronologically in his mind. He never writes down his own heartbreaks. It isn't heartbreak anyway, when he chooses to ignore it and let time numb the pain until it doesn't feel like his heart's torn and battered at all. It's better to learn from other people's mistakes anyway. That way he doesn't have to be constantly reminded of the aching feeling inside his chest.

 

---

 

Luhan’s caught him staring a few times day by day that he could no longer count. It’s not like he could stop it, not looking at Luhan is harder than he thought it would be. He doesn’t even bother to look away when he gets caught and Luhan doesn’t even bother to catch his stares anymore as the days pass by; that’s why Sehun wonders if Luhan’s only stopped because he’s already figured it out.

 

---

 

"You like Luhan-hyung, don't you?" Jongin confronts him after dinner in Luhan’s apartment. Luhan's in the bathroom bathing Ziyu. He doesn’t answer.

 

Jongin sighs, for a moment he closes his eyes (almost as if he had expected this to happen, almost), "Just be careful. You might’ve confused his friendliness. He isn't like us."

 

"You talk as if being gay is so wrong." Sehun says, and Jongin taps on his shoulder.

 

“Just be careful.”

 

---

 

Sehun spends Chuseok with Luhan and Ziyu in Namsan Park. The crowd’s almost as huge as it is in Myeongdong and it’s a tight squeeze for the three of them in the cable car that Sehun almost forgets how to breathe when Luhan nestles his head on Sehun’s chest.

 

“I’m sorry.” Luhan says, “I’m not good with heights.”

 

Once they’re out of the cable car. Ziyu was more than glad to run around the park and both Sehun and Luhan were busy chasing the kid around the park before he halts and stares at one particular tree.

 

“Why aren’t the leaves pink, baba?” Ziyu asks, almost in the brink of tears. Luhan doesn’t answer and instead just pats his son’s head. Sehun squeezes Ziyu’s hand tighter and offered to buy ice cream.

 

On the last day, he visits his brother’s grave and leaves a voice message to his parents wishing them a happy thanksgiving from where they are.

 

---

 

The first snow came a week earlier than expected. He was with Luhan at that time, and it was already snowing when they got out of the subway station.

 

“It’s beautiful.” Luhan says, reaching his hand out to hold Sehun’s, observing how each drop of snow falls in motion. He looks like a kid, like Ziyu.

 

“Your hands are cold.” he points out before bringing Sehun’s hands together, dangerously close to his lips. For a moment Sehun didn’t know what he was up to before he lets out a warm breathe and Sehun could feel his temperature rise up for a little bit. Luhan has a smile lingering on his lips as he does this and Sehun’s just hoping the tint on his cheeks aren’t too obvious.

 

---

 

It was Luhan who phoned him first at one a.m in the morning when they started talking in hushed whispers just because Ziyu’s already asleep and the both of them wouldn’t want him to wake up.

 

“I can’t sleep, Sehun-ah.” Luhan had said at that time and the next time too, until it started to become a routine none of them wanted to end. That’s when Sehun gradually started calling him before Luhan does because he came to realize that Luhan's voice might as well be his lullaby.

 

---

 

It starts getting harder for Sehun to stop whatever he’s feeling for Luhan when he started to get more touchy than just holding his hand.

 

It was innocent, really, when Luhan would lean his head ever so slightly when they ride the subway home and he'd tap Sehun's thigh before getting off or when they both have the share an umbrella when they're walking to Luhan's building and the rain would be pouring so hard that Sehun would pull him in by the shoulder to keep him from getting wet.

 

It isn't so smart of him though to talk about it with Chanyeol and Baekhyun.

 

"So you want him to you." Chanyeol states.

 

"I think it's Sehun who wants to him though." Baekhyun says, innocently as if Sehun isn't just in front of him. Chanyeol nods in agreement.

 

"Why am I even friends with you two." It isn't a question when an answer doesn’t exist. Sehun starts to pity his past lives for having to deal with the two, if there is such a thing as a past life.

 

---

 

Sometimes Luhan would whisper stories in his ear while playing with their fingers on Sehun's couch as innocent as he can unbeknownst of the effect he has on the other.

 

"Have you ever been in love?" Sehun asks like it’s an everyday question. Luhan visibly stiffens, and stops. For a moment, Sehun thought he wasn’t going to answer before he spoke.

 

"Do you know the story about the rice trees and cherry blossoms?"

 

"No."

 

"It's not much of a story anyway. Just a thought,” Luhan laughs, a raspy one. “Sometimes it’s hard to tell if you love someone because you want to or you choose to love someone because you’d feel bad if you don’t...”

 

“And sometimes when you choose to love, it’s never perfect. Like cherry blossoms and rice trees. They never bloom at the same time and they never for long. Love dies, love lives. It’s never consistent. There’s never a time for just them.”

 

"I'm like that Sehun-ah, I don't have the time and I..." his voice croaks "I don't think I can. I have Ziyu. I know I'm not the best and sometimes it doesn't even seem like I'm even trying. But he's my everything, I'd give it all to him if I could."

 

A tear escapes from Sehun’s left eye and before Sehun could even attempt to wipe it away, Luhan moves away to the other side of the couch; as if he’s avoiding Sehun’s touch. He wipes his own tears away and smiles at Sehun as if assuring him he’s fine. His heart feels heavy and It feels like rejection.

 

But how could Luhan reject him when he doesn’t even know a thing?

 

---

 

Sehun drops by Luhan’s apartment on Christmas Eve.

 

“Keep yourself warm,” Sehun says, wrapping the red scarf over Luhan’s neck and fixing it until it covers his nose.

 

“Thanks for this,” Luhan says, thumbing the fabric of the wool, and the other one on his hand which is the same scarf, only smaller and for Ziyu.

 

Luhan gives him mittens in which Ziyu refuses to let Luhan give to him. (“I’ll let you borrow this,” Sehun had to promise before Ziyu let him have the mittens promises.)

 

He heads out of Luhan’s apartment not even an hour later with the mittens wrapped around his veiny fingers. It feels warm and he smiles.

 

---

 

“What am I supposed to do with this?” Sehun says, holding a picture of Baekhyun with a caption that says, ‘aren’t i pretty? i’m yours now~’

 

“You should be honored. I only give myself to those who I love~” Baekhyun singsongs. Sehun rolls his eyes.

 

“I gave you gift vouchers, and all I get is this?”

 

“You’re ELD’s manager. You probably got them for free.”

 

“Can’t argue with that.” he says, “Thanks for the vitamins though, Chanyeol,” Sehun says, Chanyeol gave him a box filled with vitamins obviously bought on the way from Mini mart with small dinosaur chewables with ‘for that kid’ written on tape.

 

“No problem.”

 

“So how’s it going with you and daddy Luhan?” Baekhyun asks.

 

“Don’t call him that.” he scolds. He doesn’t answer and fortunately Baekhyun doesn’t ask any more further and instead asks another irrelevant one.

 

“Don’t you think it’s time you actually get a lightbulb? It’s always so dark in here.” Baekhyun states, it’s dark outside and the only source of light they have is the moonlight and the lamp. Sehun shrugs.

 

---

 

Winter ends with Sehun still stealing looks at Luhan and Luhan being oblivious to this. Luhan looks good with his red scarf on and Ziyu steals his mittens once in awhile with his red snapback over his bonnet. Every day he goes home to his dark apartment, before waiting for at least an hour before routinely calling Luhan on the phone even if it would just last for a few minutes before goodnight’s are exchanged and Sehun could finally fall asleep with the promise of seeing Luhan and Ziyu tomorrow. His heart grows heavy by the day, that it won’t be long before it would weigh him down and drop with no assurance if Luhan’s even there to catch it.

 

---

 

When the cherry blossoms were in full bloom, Luhan takes a week-off from Dumplings&Noodles and disappears from the face of the world. No one calls him after hours anymore and Luhan’s apartment is empty. He panics for a while before the door beside Luhan’s apartment bursts open with a grumpy Kyungsoo.

 

As it turns out, Ziyu’s staying next-door with Kyungsoo and Yixing.

 

“He’s in China.” Kyungsoo tells him with a finalized tone. “I don’t know what business he has there. But he left little Lu with us.”

 

Luhan comes back a week later, only with bleached blond hair and a bruised cheek. He doesn’t tell Sehun what happened and Sehun didn’t bother to ask.

 

---

 

"Can you come with me to Namsan?" Luhan asks him one early April night not even a week after coming back to Seoul. And it's ridiculous how Sehun didn’t even need to think twice before he agrees.

 

He takes a cab and walks the way to Namsan Park until he sees Luhan’s figure near the entrance holding a bunch of white daisies and a million stars.

 

“Help me with this,” handing over the million stars to Sehun. He takes his hand and they enter the park with its ethereal glow. The sky’s violet above the flowers and the sight seems magical enough with Luhan plucking petal after petal and letting them ride with the wind. Sehun does the same and they don’t talk as they’re doing this.

 

"I always take this walk alone.” Luhan says, stopping on his tracks. A blossom lands on his hair. “It’s been seven years since Ziyu’s mother died.” He’s never mentioned Ziyu’s mother before. Sehun reaches out to hold Luhan’s hand before he squeezes it as if he’s reassuring that everything’s okay.

 

"I built him a family," he tears, “I don’t feel like he could grow up with just me. So I built him a family.”

 

“You don’t have to talk about it.” he tells Luhan.

 

It’s not fair how even with a bruised cheek, with his tears flowing down his cheeks, Luhan’s still so beautiful. Sehun was about to wipe away his tears when Luhan kisses him. Underneath a cherry blossom tree with the falling petals and the glowing lights on them, from the moonlight above and the street lamp a few feet away from them. Sehun responds and cradles Luhan’s cheek into his palm, making sure not to hold on too tightly because he might break.

 

It looks romantic, only it’s not.

 

They leave Namsan Park when they have no flowers left to scatter. They don’t talk about the kiss. But as soon as they enter Sehun’s apartment, Luhan pushes him into the wall that Sehun hasn’t painted for over a month, and crashes his lips into his.

 

---

 

Luhan isn’t like the summer sun.

 

He’s the darkness Sehun comes home to every day.

 

His smiles never reach his eyes no matter how much he does smile.

 

There’s always going to be a part of Luhan that Sehun knows the other won’t let him see.

 

Sehun might not even get to know why Luhan went home with a bruised cheek.

 

And there’s so much that Sehun doesn’t know about Luhan because he rarely even talks about himself in the first place.

 

But Sehun likes to think that he knows him, he knows that he likes to walk while holding hands, and that he’s protective over Ziyu all the time— and it’s enough, he supposes.

 

---

 

Luhan stops kissing him and it’s too dark for Sehunto tell why.

 

"Sehun-ah," he says, and they’re so close. “Can I tell you something?”

 

They’re in the fire escape this time and his heart’s beating fast already, not only with nervousness but because Luhan looks genuinely scared. Like he’s done something wrong and he’s about to get punished.

 

“To feel secure,” he starts, “It’s not something I can have.” Sehun’s looking at him and Luhan doesn’t catch it and instead looks away. “I’m always going to be trapped in fear.”

 

Sehun wanted to say, “No, you don’t have to be scared. I’m here.” But he doesn’t.

 

“I know how you feel about... about me. I’m not as clueless as I may look like. Just—“

 

“Can you not say anything?” Sehun interrupts. He doesn’t want to hear the next words anymore. “I like you. I admit. But it’s just... just that. It’s really nothing.” he lies. His voice shakes and he hopes it isn’t much of a giveaway.

 

“I didn’t mean to...”

 

“It’s nothing, I know. It’s okay. I know how loneliness feels like.”

 

“It isn’t that it’s nothing, I just can’t.” Luhan says. “It’s Ziyu. I wouldn't want him to grow up with a family he wouldn't want to be part of. I don’t want him to grow up knowing I’m gay. I hope you understand.”

 

“It’s okay,” Sehun says, although it sounds more like he’s trying to convince himself more than Luhan. “I’m okay. There’s no reason not to be.”

 

“If it’s okay though,” Sehun asks, and he probably sounds desperate. But he doesn’t care anymore. “I wouldn’t mind it if we kiss again.” It’s the only thing he can have, anyway. So he’ll take what he can get.

 

No matter how bitter reality tastes like.

 

Luhan doesn’t go home and spends it with Sehun on the bed because he’s too tired to even move and as Sehun holds him in his sleep, he wonders if his heart wishes to beat its way out to wake Luhan up. It isn't fair, he thinks, that his heartbeat would be frantic just at the thought of him while Luhan's wouldn't. Sehun didn’t get any sleep, he didn’t want to sleep anyway, so he waits for the sun to come up before he wakes Luhan up.

 

“I’ll take you home. Ziyu’s probably waiting for you now.” he whispers to his ear and he feels Luhan nod.

 

The words, “I’m sorry.” comes out from Luhan’s mouth and Sehun really wished he hadn’t.

 

---

 

The walk to Luhan’s apartment feels shorter than it really is, he figures it’s because it feels like his head is elsewhere that he can’t even feel his steps anymore. He sees Ziyu’s outside playing with Kyungsoo and Yixing. Ziyu greets Luhan first with a hug before Luhan dismisses him and tells him he’s tired and not to play outside too long because it’s cold.

 

“Samchon?” Ziyusays right after Luhan enters the apartment building, “Are you okay?”

 

“I’m okay,” Sehun smiles, he’s no different to Luhan now with his ingenuine smile. “there’s no reason not to be, right?”

 

---

 

Sehun calls his parent’s home he moment he steps back inside his apartment and nobody answers. He opts to dial his father’s roaming number and his father doesn’t pick up.

 

He enters the laundry room and takes out a three bottles of paint and gloves. He starts coating the walls with blue, grey and black before they all come together that the colors are no longer recognizable. He ends it with messy calligraphy before the door opens; it’s Baekhyun.

 

“Learn how to knock.” Sehun says before continuing with his destructive masterpiece.

 

“Learn how to lock the door.” Baekhyun retorts. “Are you okay?” he asks. Sehun sighs.

 

“How can you still sing even when you already gave up on your dream?” he asks.

 

“Because I love singing.”

 

“How about you, Sehun?” Baekhyun asks. “Why’d you start painting your walls?”

 

Sehun doesn’t answer.

 

“We didn’t ask before because we know you didn’t want to talk about it. But Sehun,” Baekhyun pauses as if waiting for the right words to spill out, “It’s been years.”

 

Sehun shrugs, “I don’t see what’s so wrong with it.”

 

“You’re trying to cover the wrong with paint, quite literally if you ask me.” Sehun looks at him with an unreadable expression before Baekhyun puts his hands up in surrender, “I get it. But sometimes you have to stop thinking about other people’s feelings and start thinking about yours, not just for pretend.”

 

“Okay.” Sehun says, hoping the conversation would come to an end.

 

“I have a gig coming up next week, you better come.” Sehun nods, absentmindedly, his hands already eager to focus back on the wall.

 

“Oh and Sehun,” Baekhyun says before closing the door, “Open your eyes. Open your heart.”

 

---

 

Luhan visits him in ELD the next afternoon with Ziyu and he’s trying to make things easy again with his smiles. It bothers Sehun for a bit but it’s not like he could tell Luhanto stop.

 

“Samchon,” Ziyu asks, “Are you sure you’re okay?” There’s no point in hiding things from a kid, he sighs.

 

“Just a little...”

 

“Sad?” Ziyu asks. “I know how to fix that.” he motions Sehun to crouch down to his level so Sehun does.

 

“What are you doing?” Sehun asks when Ziyu starts to run his little hand, up and down Sehun’s back.

 

“Doesn’t your baba do this to you when you feel sad?” Ziyu asks the question innocently. He’s just a kid, he doesn’t know the effect of his words. Sehun smiles and his eyes are sparkling.

 

“My father isn’t around anymore.”

 

“How about umma? Noona? Hyung? Dongsaeng?”

 

“No one.” His smile grows, a little bigger, a little bitter. Ziyu gasps, cute little hands clasp around his mouth in disbelief before he calms down.

 

“Well you have me, samchon. And baba too.” he says, his words weigh a ton on his shoulders and he doesn’t even know. “So don’t feel sad anymore.”

 

---

 

Jongin asks him to have lunch in Dumplings&Noodles, he unconciously looks for Luhan when he remembers Luhan doesn’t work in the day.

 

“Why’d you bring me here the first time?” he asks Jongin as they’re eating their bowl of kalguksus. Jongin stops and sets his chopsticks aside before looking at Sehun in the eye.

 

“I know you like children. Happy ones, they remind you of yourself of the time when...”

 

“Hyung was alive?” Jongin doesn’t answer for a few seconds before he nods.

 

“I like it when you’re happy.”

 

“You know you don’t owe me anything,” he says, and he means it. “It’s not your fault I became like this.”

 

“I didn’t think you’d fall for Luhan.” Jongin says, “I’m—“

 

“Don’t be.” Sehun smiles, stopping Jongin. He looks hurt but Sehun doesn’t mind that much. He’s heard enough apologies in his lifetime that he’s grown sick of it.

 

---

 

Sehun comes to Baekhyun’s gig as promised and he finds himself slightly and drunkenly telling Chanyeol and Baekhyun about Luhan.

 

"So you ed him.” Chanyeol deadpans.

 

"Yes, that’s right. I knew Sehunnie here would be the one to do the ing." Baekhyun says.

 

"No ing happened.”

 

"Oh, so that's why you're extra grumpy today. I should've known.” Baekhyun comments.

 

Sehun continues with his story as light-hearted as he can making it seem more like a joke and less sad. And it seems to work even though he knows Chanyeol and Baekhyun are just acting as if he isn’t hurting because they both know that’s just how Sehun is.

 

Always has, and always will be.

 

---

 

They kiss more than often now. Behind the closed doors of Sehun’s apartment when no one else is around.

 

He's also noticed how Luhan never holds his hand in front of Ziyu the same time he realized that he's never seen Luhan hold another person's hand other than his or Ziyu's. He doubts whether or not his habit is applicable to other people other than the two of them. It makes him feel special in some way, like how he feels whenever his fingers thumb through Luhan's hair and the way his lips would move against his.

 

It isn't much of a rejection when Luhan whimpers a little with each touch or smile up at him with beads of sweat lined on his forehead before kissing him without much haste. It isn't acceptance either, when Luhan whispers "I'm sorry." and act as if nothing happened the next day.

 

They're somewhere in between, maybe.

 

---

 

It’s dark and Luhan’s already fallen asleep. He hasn’t turned the lamp off from the bedside drawer. So he’s left with staring at Luhan’s calm face.

 

"Why can’t you love me?" Sehun whispers, tracing a map along the slope from Luhan's collarbones to his shoulder. The answer comes faster than he expected it to when Luhan opens his eyes and it only took one look from Luhan before the words start to spill inside his mind.

 

Ziyu. White flowers. Cherry blossoms. Namsan. You don't know how long it took me to build him his family. I was seventeen. It was hard. I wouldn't want him to grow up with a family he wouldn't want to be part of. I'd give it all to him if I could. I never thought you would. Stop, I can't. I can't love—I can't love you.

 

It felt as if Luhan’s speaking to him, when he’s not.

 

Sehun retracts his hand from Luhan's skin like he would've if his fingers caught aflame. His hand feels the chill almost instantly, and he should've turned the heater up earlier because the cold only reminds him that he can't have Luhan the way he'd want him to be his.

 

"I'm sorry," he hears Luhan whisper before closing his eyes.

 

---

 

There’s a reason why Sehun’s removed the ceiling lights from his apartment and only has a lamp as a light on. It’s so he doesn’t have to close his eyes for everything to fade into black because it reminds him of high school days.

 

"Just close your eyes," Chanyeol had said, holding Sehun's hand with his left. "And it will be okay."

 

And he would close his eyes and say, "You're right," Even though with each darkness came the glances his parents casted for months after realizing just how little they know of him. There's Chanyeol who keeps trying to keep himself strong enough for the three of them. And then there's Baekhyun, poor Baekhyun and his tears staining the ripped up contract vowing he would never sing again as the man he thought loved him broke his heart.

 

It's untrue, really, how closing one's eyes to reality would make everything okay. But still, Sehun has found comfort in the dark. Only now did he realize that darkness didn’t just provide him comfort, it had been his escape.

 

And this, this is what he gets for escaping for too long.

 

---

 

Sehun has experienced quite a handful of second-hand heartbreaks.

 

He doesn't write that time when he's eight and his brother’s bed on the other side of the room remains unoccupied or his parents. There are no records written about all the unanswered phone calls and buckets and sprays of paint. The photograph flipped backwards, taped on his wall stay engulfed in the shadows of the walls his built around himself.

 

He writes about Chanyeol's attempt at being strong, and Baekhyun’s hopelessness. He writes about Jongin who couldn’t accept himself. There won’t be anything written about a certain Luhan and his dispensable smiles who refuses to let anyone hold his heart but himself.

 

---

 

Sehun spends summer night after summer night repainting his walls in shades of artlessness. He goes on a trip to Jeju with Chanyeol and Baekhyun and tries to forget Luhan in the day and before he surrenders and calls him around midnight when he’s the only one awake.

 

When fall comes, Chanyeol calls him more often even though Sehun knows he's too busy with graduate studies. Baekhyun would drop by in his apartment every now and then. They don't argue about who s who in Sehun and Luhan's relationship and Sehun doesn't talk about Luhan anymore. He wonders when loving Luhan became as sad as it is now.

 

Sehun should've seen it coming anyway, there’s no reason for him to say he didn’t mean to fall so hard.

 

---

 

"We're drinking.” Chanyeol says holding a plastic bag filled with green bottles. “Baekhyun’s outside. He’s already drunk.” And he enters the apartment in less than fluid motion. He’s probably drunk too.

 

He walks out and sees the same Baekhyun on their third year of high school with his broken dream. After all the years, he’s still the same. He’s hurting too. He wakes Baekhyun up and they stumble inside the living room, weaving through the darkness.

 

Their friendship had came a long way, and here they are now. Gathered in his living room, still in the dark.

 

“Do you know why I did what I did the time I got dumped and I was kicked out of the company?” No one answers but Baekhyun continues his story anyway, “I wanted to know if anything would hurt in the outside because I felt like on the inside. It wasn’t only because he left me, there are other reasons, that’s why there’s so many. So I started and stopped around the sixty-first right before it ends on my wrist. I didn’t feel a thing. Then you guys came and it started to sting and...”

 

“You don’t have to talk about it.” Sehun says, attempting to take away the bottle from Baekhyun to stop him from drinking.

 

“But I have to,” he says, tears streaming down his face. “You know you have to do this too. It’s time to wake up.”

 

---

 

Sehun still calls Luhan around midnight because he knows it's the only time he'd let him call.

 

Sometimes they don't talk at all just because they have nothing left to say. Sehun likes to listen to Luhan's breath until it evens. As it always have been, it’s still his lullaby. Sometimes when they're alone, Luhan forgets about a lot of things. Sometimes, Sehun tries hard not to understand why Luhan doesn't like it when he tries to take care of him. Most especially whenever Ziyu's around. Sometimes his heart stings. But it isn’t as if there is anything that could still be done about that.

 

And anyway, Luhan's still sorry. So it’s fine, he presumes.

 

(But Sehun would like to pretend he isn't. Sometimes he likes to imagine that Luhan hasn’t told him to stop because he wants him as much as he does too. Not because he pities him, not because it’s all he can give, but because he maybe loves him just the same. They don't do anything more than kissing and touching. But that's okay, Luhan still wears the red scarf he gave him the first Christmas and everything he's given to Luhan except maybe, his heart. Luhan doesn't let his heart out on his sleeve. But sometimes Sehun thinks that he doesn't have to because whenever he would let his hand linger too long on Luhan's chest and he would feel his heart beating fast. If it means making Luhan’s heartbeat in sync with his, Sehun wouldn't mind. If Luhan's love came in empty bottles, he'll take what he can get until his heart drowns.)

 

---

 

It is the beginning of January and Sehun has his left hand in his coat's pocket and the other wound tightly around a tiny clothed one. The cold wind bites him and his fingers feel slicked with ice and maybe it wouldn't have if he hadn't given his mittens to Ziyu.

 

In retrospect, the first time had his hands almost go blue and numb with throwing snowballs in the air. On most days, it would be Ziyu refusing to wear his small ones preferring the warmth from Sehun's own. Luhan always tells him to just bring an extra pair whenever they're out and he would have his hands warmed by Luhan's breath before he lets Sehun slip his hand through his and every time he looks at their interlaced fingers, Sehun wonders if Luhan's already figured it out.

 

"Samchon," Ziyu says as they pass the crosswalk. "Can I call you appa?"

 

“Nope,” he pops, “You can call me hyung though, like you’re supposed to.” he looks at Ziyu before flashing his signature teeth smile. Ziyu looks at him with a blank expression, his face like that makes the resemblance between him and Luhan prominent.

 

“No thanks. I like appa more, but samchon is okay too.” Sehun tugs Ziyu's hand a little too hard that the mitten almost slips off. Sehun smiles apologetically.

 

---

 

It’s time to wake up.

 

---

 

Namsan Park isn’t as crowded as it usually is when they visit. That’s when Sehun decides to begin.

 

“Can I tell you something?” Sehun asks, Luhan responds by squeezing their hands tighter.

 

“My parents they left me,” he starts. “They didn’t mean to the last time but it doesn’t make it any less painful. pretending isn’t new to me, I know it isn’t right to lie to myself but it’s the only way I could cope,” Luhan tightens his hold, their pace slows down although they both don’t notice. “I got people to believe I just matured when I found out so they thought I just grew out of being… gay. It was also around that time when I started obsessing over painting my apartment wall. My brother liked painting. His side of the room was always painted with colors I couldn’t understand before he passed away. I couldn’t understand why he does that, but now, I do.”

 

“I’ve never told anyone, even myself. I’m only saying this now because I think I’ve closed my eyes from the truth far too long.” he fights the tears but he’s defeated. “It’s time to wake up.”

 

“They probably love you, you know,” Luhan tells him, for the longest time.

 

“Maybe. But we’re too distant now, there isn’t a way to tell anymore.”

 

“There is,” Luhan smiles and looks over to Ziyu who was looking up to the trees.

 

“Baba, why are there no pink leaves? You said the reason why Namsan has trees with pink leaves is because mama makes them pink because she knows I like them? Doesn’t mama love me anymore?”

 

“Mama’s busy making the pink leaves pretty for you. I’ll bring you next time when mama’s done making them pretty.” Luhan says, and Ziyu’s face brightens.

 

“Really baba?”

 

“Really!”

 

Ziyu starts dancing alone with the falling snow and the sight makes Sehun feel warm on the inside.

 

“I thought families were only forced to love each other because it’s so wrong not to, I didn’t believe it was real before I met you and Ziyu,” Sehun confesses eyeing the white scatter of dots. There’s a lump on his throat and he couldn’t stop his voice from wavering. “I know how much you love Ziyu. I— I understand.”

 

Luhan doesn’t say anything. He just holds Sehun’s hand tighter their knuckles turn white.

 

Love isn’t that hard to find. It’s finding out if someone loves you the same way that you do that makes it difficult. It’s what blinds a person into thinking they aren’t loved when in truth, they are. They just don’t see it. But it doesn’t matter, it doesn’t matter if it’s not in the way you’d want it to be. A heart needs to be held, and love isn’t supposed to be rejected no matter what form it comes in.

 

---

 

The walk to Luhan’s apartment is the same as it always have been since Winter began, with semi-cold hands except he’s carrying Ziyu on his back because he’s sleeping. Luhan turns the heater up as soon as they enter the apartment and Sehun wordlessly weaves his way to the bedroom.

 

Ziyu flutters his eyes open as Sehun tucks him in.

 

“Go back to sleep,” he tells him.

 

“Samchon...” Ziyu whispers as sleep starts to take its toll on him, “I really want to call you Appa.”

 

Sehun smiles. His eyes are sparkling again.

 

“You can’t.” he says, voice breaking, because it’s the truth. In a few years, if he’s still around to witness him grow up, he’d think differently. He wouldn’t want to call him appa once he finds out he is pathetically in love with his baba. He could see Luhan watching them by the doorway at the corner of his eye. His head leaning on the doorway with his arms crossed. Sehun couldn’t read his expression. He turns his back, and Luhan stays there, observing the way Ziyu’s face became solemn with each minute. But then—

 

There’s a crash. Then another. He leaves and finds shards of glass scattering the floor of the living room and Luhan looks just as broken as the plate.

 

“Ziyu’s sleeping,” Sehun says, holding Luhan down and stopping him from shattering the plate any more broken it already is. He stops him before his fingers might get scratched as well. “Calm down.” And Luhan snaps.

 

“What the is this?!” Luhan screams. “Why are you like this? Why are you so nice? Why are you still around? I... I... don’t understand.”

 

“Luhan...”

 

“I didn’t think I’d meet anyone who’d love Ziyu almost as much as I do,” Luhan laughs, even with all the tears on his face. “It’s weird. I feel like i don’t have to worry about anything when it comes to you.”

 

“You don’t have to. I’m not going anywhere.” Sehun tells him, before caging him within his arms as if he’s afraid to let go.

 

Ziyu’s sleeping only a few feet away. And there’s so much to risk. But maybe, it’ll be worth it.

 

---

 

His apartment walls had grown old with paint. That it’s starting to look like it’s been made a monster. A monster. Is that what he’s turned into these past few months—years?

 

It’s time to wake up.

 

“Are you ready?” Luhan asks him. A bottle of paint thinner in his hand.

 

“A new beginning,” he tells him before taking down the layers of paint of his walls.

 

“I didn’t know there was something taped backwards here,” Luhan notices, peeling the duct tape off from the wall before looking at it. Sehun stops thinning the paint and glances over at the picture. It’s a family picture.

 

“That’s me,” he points, “That’s appa, umma... and my hyung.”

 

“They love you.” Luhan says. “Wherever they may be.”

 

“I know.”

 

It’s silent before Luhan hands over the photograph to Sehun. It is frayed on the edges and a part of its layer has been teared off from the tape. It’s broken and tainted but still a memento of his family. He heads over to his room and puts it inside the dresser drawer. Maybe he’ll buy a frame for it soon.

 

“I didn’t know my name’s been painted all over,” Luhan says as Sehun returns, “I think I was too busy looking at our hands to look elsewhere.”

 

The paint’s growing thin now, almost back to it’s original form before he started painting over it, “I’ll bring out the white paint.” he tells Luhan.

 

A new beginning, indeed.

 

---

 

Sehun’s installed the last of the ceiling lights in his bedroom when the night has fallen. And his apartment’s never been this bright. He falls down his back on the bed and Luhan lies beside him, a few inches away.

 

“Samchon,” Luhan whispers as he turns his head to him.

 

“Stop that.”

 

“Samchon,” he repeats.

 

“Why are you like this?”

 

“Samchon~”

 

“What did I do to deserve this?” Sehun laughs, before trapping Luhan into a hug. He kisses his temple, and none of them moves as they find comfort in each other’s arms.

 

“I’m—“ Luhan says, and just with his tone, Sehun already knows what the next words would’ve been if he hadn’t stopped.

 

“Don’t start.”

 

“I was selfish. I only thought—“

 

“Let’s just stay like this. Let’s not talk.” He hugs Luhan tighter.

 

“And my past—“

 

“I don’t have to know your past. It doesn’t matter to me.”

 

“It matters.”

 

“I know. But there’s another time for that.” Luhan doesn’t push anymore further and holds unto Sehun almost as tight as Sehun is holding him, it lasts for minutes.

 

“Ziyu’s turning nine soon. It matters,” Luhan says. Copying Sehun he says, “But there’s another time for that.”

 

Sehun smiles in response and closes his eyes and even when everything is black it doesn’t feel so dark anymore.

 

---

 

“Everyone thinks I’m boring now, you know,” Sehun says as they walk. “You’re all I ever talk about when i’m with other people. They say I’m too repetitive with my stories.”

 

“I’m all you ever talk about even when you’re with me,” Luhan points out. He isn’t wrong. “You should stop that.”

 

“Should I really?”

 

“How many times do I have to tell you to bring your own mittens.” Luhan says, bringing both of Sehun’s hands, warming them with his breath before letting them slip together with his hands.

 

Maybe he’s already figured it out.

 

“Ziyu-yah, you should hold samchon’s hand.”

 

“I don’t want to. His hands are too cold even with mittens.” he says but nevertheless, Sehun feels another hand find its way to his free hand. The fabric of the mitten grazing his cold fingertips. Sehun looks at Ziyu.

 

“I’m only agreeing to this because baba told me to,” Ziyu sticks his tongue out. “Can I call you appa now?”

 

Sehun turns to Luhan, and he’s smiling now, in a way he’s never had before.

 

Sehun's never been aware of familial love until he's twenty-four and falls in love with the way his hands feel warm with Luhan’s breath and how his cheeks tingle as it turns a light shade of red (and how it’s cold and he knows it isn’t the only reason why his cheeks are red).

 

Luhan laughs, and ruffles Ziyu’s hair, tightening his hold on Sehun’s hand.

 

And Sehun knows, as he looks at their intertwined hands, his left hand warm holding Luhan’s and the other Ziyu’s, he could get used to this.

 

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a/n: if you reach this point, thank u for reading! plsl do comment and upvote if you like the story!