[CONTENTID1] i feel numb (make me better)  [/CONTENTID1]

[CONTENTID2]

A first kiss for Jeon Wonwoo is afternoon classes and powders of chalk colouring the air. The air was humid and they struggled to breath even with the windows opened. Wonwoo still can feel how it felt like to have Mingyu's lips pressed to his for the first time. It all happened in a short fifteen seconds of staggering feet, buckling and unbuckling knees (but he was sitting on the table and Mingyu was standing so it didn't matter), adrenaline pumping to his blood, widened eyes then falling asleep lids, Mingyu's smile when Wonwoo felt a push inside of him to lean and put his palm around Mingyu's tanned neck so they will be closer.

Closer, closer and closer with more lips clashing and moving, more skin touching and feeling these new emotions he just discovered. They were greedy, so so greedy over each other that they didn't listen to the sound of fear and discomfort ringing over their fingers.

"This is wrong."

They broke away with Wonwoo's fingers struggling to not pull on Mingyu's white shirt of a uniform when they heard the janitor's voice echoed in the hallways. He snuck a piece of earphone to his ear to pretend that he had been listening to music all these time, not being kissed and kissing Mingyu under the bright eyes of March filtered through the trees near the window. It was beautiful, that time felt so surreal. 

But it was real, because on their way home together after the janitor had told them off to go home and study instead of hanging out there, Mingyu told him that there was more between the two of them than just friends. He had whispered it close in the crevices of his ear lobe under the sky's watchful eyes, observing and changing their skin to the shade of marine blue, heartbreakingly dark and putting this whole scene into a more surreal dream. 

"This is not a dream, Wonwoo." Mingyu's voice was low and coated in dreams as they walked side by side. And it still felt like a dream. Perhaps another touch and another lips brushing would convince him, but eyes were still wide awake and the light was still there, so Wonwoo thought that he rather believed in the things that already happened.

What Mingyu did was bold, and it awakened any foreign feelings that he never knew existed. It felt sweet and bitter, and even though it felt right, he felt guilty for something. He felt sad, Wonwoo felt sad that he wouldn't be able to love a girl like what his mother lulled every night when he was a child, to be gentle with them and treat them like a broken, precious thing. His mom taught him that girls are strong, fragile beings who are complex and long to be understood.

Instead, Wonwoo found himself in new feelings of longing a boy with apocalyptic eyes and firefly lips.

"Since when, Mingyu?" Wonwoo's voice hummed across the dark streets, hair pushed back and walking side by side, they looked just like two high schoolers on their way to home. Mingyu's heart was whole and bright, he held it like a badge across his pocket for Wonwoo to see and realize.

"Since, I don't know. It's been long, since forever, I guess."

"What is forever?"

"The first time we met."

Æ

In Wonwoo's life, a lot of people come and go. Sometimes it feels like hundreds of thorns are falling from the sky, sometimes he feels nothing at all. Mingyu stays, there is no doubt for that. But before Mingyu, Seulgi was there. And she still is.

Seulgi and Wonwoo are like one set of entity that are one and the same. What Seulgi likes would also become his object of affection and what he loathes will also be hated to death by Seulgi. What they have between each other is beyond love, but it's definitely something that is far from that sort of affection itself. 

He knows that he shouldn't tell this to anyone, Mingyu had told him that they should lurk behind the shadows for no one will understand them. Two boys falling for each other, one unsure of it's safety and the other enjoys the pain as it hits him.

"Seulgi, I'm d-."

"Mingyu, right?" he sees her inhaling it deeper than before, cheeks sinking down to her skin. Seulgi is in the brink of her patience now.

"Yes, ho-"

"I just know."

What differs Wonwoo from Seulgi is one thing, she enjoys dragging her breath over mountains and mountains of sticks that resemble a pistol more than a powder of nicotine rolled into something that fits between the gaps of her fingers. She likes the way her bones start racketing and her vision getting blurry, almost fainting when she everything too deep. She had described the experience to him in great detail that Seulgi feels more like his alternate ego. But perhaps two people, no matter how similar, will never be the same after all.

"You think I wouldn't know? Look at that stupid smile on your face all these two weeks," she blows a smoke to his face with a smile made of demons, but he's used to it since this is just another side of her that appears when she's frustrated. It still mark deep lines to the edge of his eyebrows.

"Is it that obvious?"

"Only to me. I know you better than anybody after all."

"Are you okay?" Seulgi never told him, but she has always loved things that he finds fascinating and sometimes the idea makes him afraid, that one day Seulgi will snatch something away from him.

She chuckles, hearts burning and eyes betraying her emotions. "A little bit broken. But it's expected anyway. We always love the same things, and seems like it goes the same to people."

"I'm sorry, Seulgi," his head falls into guilt, only to be brought up with Seulgi's palm with the smell of nicotine close to his nose, but it's far enough so the cig doesn't burn his skin. 

Her palm rests on his cheek and she gives him a raw smile, giving him a peck on the cheek like she always did. "Just don't tear your heart apart, Wonwoo. Not for him, not for anybody."

Æ

"I'm in love," Wonwoo whispers to himself, and it's been like that ever since Mingyu promised forever for the both of them. They would steal chances in the most discreet ways to be together; weekly sleepovers, holding hands while sitting in the far back of the science lab as each other's lab partners, trailing kisses over each other's jaws in corners of a dark cinema with very few audiences. They are learning and they are young, they barely know anything that is sincere and explore each other's bodies that could be touched, unlike feelings that are transparent and supposed to be