‘When I wake up from the loneliness that wakes me up
I think about your always smiling face which makes me smile without knowing’

Day after day, I counted the days I had left in Canada. My heart beats fast; my breath became uneven when the thought of leaving for Korea comes. When I close my eyes, all memories come rushing into my mind like flood. That’s why I hate closing my eyes. During this ten year, I wake up with emptiness; stare into the blank sheet of my life. I swear I wrote a whole book of story of my life. But when I woke up each morning, I found it empty.

Who took it away?

Who took my memories away?

Who replaced it with blank sheet?

It was me.

The moment I decided to step out of his life, I ruined it. I ruined everything. I ruined the memories we shared together. I ruined myself.

Since that moment, I found it hard to breath. Doctors told me to go to Canada if I want to continue living, but no. As I reached Canada, getting treatment, I felt even worse. I healed physically, but getting worse mentally. During ten years, I walk around under the sky of Canada like a living corpse. Several times I feel dying will be better than living this way.

I was wearing all-black fashion, from my black sneakers, black pants, black sweater and thick black furry coat when suddenly I could see a man with all-black fashion was running my way with a panic look on his face. The road was pretty crowded thought. That’s why he lost his balance and bump to me and we fell together. Hurriedly he got up and continued running, not realizing what he dropped, a yellow wallet. Seeing that, I stood up, wanting to call him back, yet he was running too fast while I noticed I sprained my ankle when he fell on me earlier.

In no time, I could feel my head was hit numerously by something. As I turned, I saw a bag coming to my face, smacking me mercilessly.

“You thief!” I could hear the one holding the bag screamed. Finally I was able to catch on. That man was a thief who stole this man’s yellow wallet and now I’m being mistaken as the thief. Great.

I held out my arms, protecting my head from getting more hit, “I’m not… You’re mistaken!”

“You thief! Give me back my wallet!”

“The thief ran away! I’m saving your wallet!”

Thankfully that man stopped hitting me with his bag. He lowered his bag to take a closer look of me. I could see him gasping, perhaps now he realized how my face is different from that thief.

“Sorry!” I saw him bowing his head embarrassedly at me, “I’m sorry, sir! I thought you were the thief!”

I wiped the blood on my lips. The accessory from the bag must have hit it hard till it bled, though it was not much.

“Here it is.” I handed him back his wallet.

“I’m sorry, Sir. I truly am.” He finally looked up to me, giving me permission to stare at the state of beauty. He’s truly… beautiful, angelic.

1.

2.

I exhaled.

For the first time in my life, Jung Yunho forgot to breath.

He gasped when he noticed my bleeding lips, “I must have hurt you, Sir! Let me treat this!”

He brought his hand closer, but I took a step back, avoiding any contact. I was not sure why I did, but one more thing for sure; I don’t want anyone to have effect on me. I don’t want to get attached to anyone. Because once I do, I’ll become weak.

“Sorry…” he mumbled, “But I hurt you though you saved my wallet. Can I treat you to something?”

“It’s just a coincidence,” I said, “I believe anyone would have done the same if they’re put in my shoes. You shouldn’t mind it too much. Take it a social work from my side.”

The shorter man smiled gently at me. Why did he?

“I insist to treat anyone who helps me.”

I couldn’t find any words to reject him. Seriously, I opened my mouth, wanting to say no, but my heart told me to do otherwise. My mouth became mute when he grabbed my phone from my pants pocket.

He dialed something which I assumed to be his own number because shortly, we could hear a phone ringing on his pocket.

“Now I have your number. I’ll text you the place. And just in case you don’t know what to save my number as, my name Is Jaejoong. Kim Jaejoong.”

Kim Jaejoong… He said.

“And what’s your name?”

Kim Jaejoong… He said.

“sir? What’s your name?”

I snapped when I realized how close his face was to mine. I took a deep breath, causing me to inhale the man’s scent. It’s honey vanilla, sweet but not too sweet, just right.

“Yunho. Just Yunho.”

I sighed as I stepped out of the arrival hall in Incheon International Airport. It’s the tenth time, yet it’s still the same every year. No one is going to come to me with a smile. No one. Sometimes I had hoped I can turn back in time to ten years ago. How much I realized that I can lose everything but him.

If we can turn back in time, regret would never have existed. They say, right?

‘Like this another person leaves and when another beautiful season arrives
With the sadness and longing for you which you left behind I walk down this street again’

I walked down the street of Myeongdong. It was still crowded as usual, Korean authentic street food is still everywhere, selling so well. Everything was the same as ten years ago, yes, aside from the fact that he’s not by my side. Not now, not again. Nine years ago, when I returned to Korea for the first time, I tried finding him, asking his old neighbors, but I found nothing. I tried finding him here and there, going to the places we used to go to, but he left. He disappeared without traces, as if he’s merely a midsummer night’s dream.

“I don’t like spicy food.” I insisted on refusing that spoonful of jjambong soup.

“You should try, Yunnie. It’s not that bad.”

It’s the first time we met after that incident, yet he’s calling me Yunnie. I know I hate affection, but I don’t find myself wanting to stop him from calling me that. The more I hear it, the more my ears like it. I want to hear it over and over again, deep inside, I know it.

With his hand gripping my mouth so hard, forcing it to open, I could resist no more. He fed me that spicy thing. Oh Jung, you have changed too much. I still remember how people can’t make me do things I don’t want to no matter how hard they try. But this blonde beautiful man made me do it in one shot. Did he put me under a magical spell?

Seconds later, I felt my mouth getting hot. It’s too spicy and I can’t really handle spicy food well. I’m doomed. The spiciness won’t go away no matter how much water I drink. !

Looking at my suffering state, he giggled, “You can’t stop spiciness with cold stuff, Yunnie. You need something hot.”

I snorted, “Then you’re telling me to have another spoonful of that Hell? Hell no.”

He flashed me another smile, causing my forehead to wrinkle in confusion, “Who said that? I mean this.”

He leaned closer to peck my lips. It’s out first kiss…

Magically, I thought I forgot about the spiciness I was having. However when his lips left mine, the spiciness returns. Now I know. He was right to replace something hot by something hotter.

I stepped into an apartment unit, well it isn’t mine. But whenever I come to Korea, this is the place where I reside. It’s my best friend’s place, Yoochun.

“Jung! It’s been long!” He put his arm over my shoulder and led me to the dining room, where I saw his wife, Junsu was setting up the dining table.

“Omoo.. Look who we have here?” Junsu smiled at me, “Sit down, Yunho. Eat it while it’s still hot!”

The three of us were seated. Junsu’s cooking is great, as usual. But seeing dishes like this, I missed his dishes. I missed his cooking for me, as much as I want to deny, I miss everything about him.

“So, you’re back for him again, Jung?” Yoochun asked, which caused me to stop moving, eyes focused on the spoon and fork I was holding.

When I passed Yoochun’s room, I could hear Yoochun saying, “Yeobo, don’t you think we need to help Yunho?

“Yes, I’m pretty sure their hearts still belong to each other.”

“But how are we going to find Jaejoong?”

That name kept repeating in my mind like a prayer. It has been at least a year, that I haven’t heard people calling out his name. Now, hearing it, I don’t know why, tears escaped without me knowing.

‘Day after day as I live my life
I get teary after hearing his name
Oh, I can’t hold it in 
I can’t laugh like this’

I miss calling out that person’s name that I think I’ve forgotten how to spell his name. I brought my hand closer to my mouth as it trembled greatly. Tears kept rolling down my cheeks, I forgot how to call out his name, I can’t…

I stepped back into my room, looking at the reflection of myself in the mirror. My hand trailed my forehead, wondering whether there was really a scar there. Believe it or not there was, once. But now it heals completely, it’s gone and there were no traces left. But what about my heart? Who can heals away the scars in my heart? It’s been ten years, but I’m still living in misery. Never did once I stopped a day without being hurt like this. People say as time goes by; pain reduces because time is the best thing to heal pain. But is that true? I doubt that. Because as time goes by, I never noticed it lessen the pain. Never, even once.

My eyes widened when I noticed the person driving was none other than my chauffeur, and the one sitting on the passenger’s seat was my mom. A mom who gave birth to me, though I knew, her heart was nowhere near a loving and caring mother people have. The last person in the car was her subordinate, sitting right next to me.

“Why am I here?” I tried controlling the rage in my voice as I still respect her as the person who gave me life. In fact, she threw my life away as well when she divorced my father ruthlessly, prohibiting me to see him even when he left this world.

“We’re going to Canada.”

“I can’t!” I started shouting, “I’m going back to him! I need to tell him how I feel and propose to him before he walks away with another man!”

My mind wasn’t at peace, not at all. I remembered that the precious love of mine, the light in my life was being forced to marry a chaebol’s son called Shim Changmin. No, I can’t lose him. Not now, not ever. I know I’m no longer a chaebol’s son when I decided to step out of my mother’s house, but no, I’m not giving up on my love no matter how poor I am.

“You have nothing, Jung Yunho! You can’t feed your wife with love! You need money, he’s poor and you’re poor without me. How are you going to support your family even if he agrees to marry you?!”

I don’t care. I don’t care what people say. I just know that I can’t let him walk away from my life. I can’t live without him. I won’t leave him unless he tells me to.

“You have known you’re suffering from brain tumor all along, but you decided not to tell me, I can’t believe this! Yunho, only if you lower your pride, we can get it treated sooner!”

I didn’t have money for the treatment, and going to her to ask for monetary support is not lowering my pride, it’s throwing away my pride. I’d better die than begging her to save me.

“We’re leaving for Canada to get you the best treatment. And we’re not going back to Korea. We’ll lead a new life, Yunho.”

I can’t. Living without him means death. I can’t continue on living without him.

“Stop the car right now.” I demanded with a stern voice. Seeing no response, I shouted at her, “I demand you to stop the car right now!”

I started grabbing her shoulder and the driver’s shoulder, wanting them to obey me, but they didn’t. Instead, I felt my head getting dizzy as the person sitting next to me hit my head hardly, causing my sight to blur before everything went dark.

And that’s the first and last time, I called that person by his name. I didn’t know how the memories from ten years ago could feel like so recent, as if it just happened yesterday.

*Dear God,

If I can turn back in time, I wonder which I should return to.

Should I fight harder when my mother wanted to take me away?

Or should I reject his confession back then?

Or… Should I return to the time when he first kissed me, should I have avoided him?

Or should I return to the first meeting, rejecting him to step further into my life?

No, I should have rejected him to enter my heart, leave him before he could melt my heart, before he went too deep and eventually become a part of it. I should have not let him smile in front of me; I should not have lowered my guard when he looked at me with the most innocent look of his.

Dying seems easier to deal with rather than him. Because every day, every night, every hour, every minute, every second, the thought of not having him by my side, tortures me, tears and breaks me apart.

Without permission, another tears left my eyes.

Taking a deep breath, I closed my eyes. Lots of questions started wandering in my head.

What if I came here ten years ago?

What would I become right now?

Will me and him still together by now?

How I wish, when I open my eyes, he’s here, how I wish he’s by my side, telling me with that sweet and soothing voice of his, Yunnie, it’s okay. I’m here.

And I did open my eyes. Soon, I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. I rubbed my eyes to confirm whether God has just answered my prayer.

My heart started to race again, uncontrollably. It’s him.

I couldn’t move nor blink. I continued staring at him. Even after ten years, his smile remains the same, sweet and addicting. But… It’s a bit different. His smile now contains a sip of bitterness. I wonder… Does he… Does he…

I gathered the energy left on my body to step forward, just one step… But… I saw two kids running his way. I felt bad for this, I have a bad feeling.

“Appa!”

Appa?

“Appa, I want cotton candy!”

Appa, did that little boy just called him appa?

That man smiled gently as he patted the two boys’ hair, “Appa will buy you cotton candy then.”

My breath was caught, I can’t find any more energy to move, not the least bit. My heart broke. My soul feels like it is leaving my body.

I…

I…

Before I could move nor regain my sanity, I felt a hand tapping my shoulder.

“Do you know that blonde man?” It was an old grandpa whom I don’t even know.

Without realizing, I shook my head. I wasn’t sure why I did, perhaps my heart told me to deny it. To avoid further pain.

He sighed, “I see…”

As he fell silent, I found myself exiting the place. I don’t know what to do, I just can’t take it, my heart just can’t.

I still remember how I wanted him to do well without me.

I still remember how I wanted him to forget me by now.

I still remember how I wanted to see him happy, one last time before I move on from our memories.

But now, why does it hurt?

Why do I feel in pain seeing him?

Now I realized, I don’t want him to do well without me, I don’t want him to forget me. No matter how selfish I am, I don’t want him to live well without me. Because I can’t, without him. My heart still yearns for him. I still want to be cherished by him, being his one and only one.

But now… He has got his own sons. The game is set and done. But why am I the only one in pain?

He has a new life. A new life which I’m definitely not a part of it.

--Jaejoong--

I felt a hand tapping my shoulder, and as I turned around, I saw Yoo haraboji smiling at me. I smiled back at him, “Kwang Soo and Joong Ki are getting their cotton candy, haraboji.”

“Jaejoong ah. You need to stop coming here every December 1^st. He’s not coming.”

“He hasn’t!” I insisted, “He is yet to come.”

I know I lied. In fact, I’m not sure if he will come here. At first, I had the confidence, whatever the reason he left me for, I was confident that one day he will eventually return to me, because he can’t live without me just like how I can’t live without him. But now… I don’t know anymore.

“You’ve waited enough Jaejoong ah. I know what you had to go through during these ten years. You disappeared ten years ago, moving to Japan to hide from that chaebol’s son Shim Changmin who keeps on forcing you to marry him. But you never skipped a December 1^st without coming here… This place hurts you with memories, Jaejoong ah. I can see it. But you’re 36 already, Jaejoong ah. You need to find someone to settle down soon.”

“I’ve found him.” I insisted, without realizing, tears started forming at the corner of my eyes, threatening to fall, “I’ve found him.” Yet I lost him.

I added, “I’m still waiting for him to come and pick me up. He will come. He will return for me.”

“But you need a wife and children to fill your life, Jaejoong ah.”

“I have haraboji and your late son’s children who call me appa. I don’t think I need anything else.”

I lied. I need that person. I need him because without him, my life feels no better than death. Since when I found it hard to call out his name? I used to freely call him by his name like a ritual, or…. Yunnie. How I missed to pronounce that name that my mouth seemed to forget how to call out his name.

“But Kwang Soo and Joong Ki aren’t your sons.”

I know. I know I spent ten years waiting for him. It’s the time for me to move on, but… I can’t. Every December 1^st, I will find myself coming here, perhaps he has returned for me. Perhaps… he will come and find me if I don’t go anywhere he doesn’t know. But even after ten years… He’s yet to come.

‘I live my life pretending nothing has happened
When I’m longing for love with the hurt he has left behind
I start to cry without knowing
I can’t hold it in
I can’t laugh like this
I try calling his name again’

I try calling his name again.
I try calling his name again.

Where are you… Yunho yah?

It's my first one shot so I really want to hear your feedback about this? I tried describing the feelings, but... I don't know if it was good so pelase give me feedback? *puppy eyes

Ahhhh I don't know, the ending is perhaps not satisfying enough? I guess if I were the reader, I will want them to reconcile but hmm I chose this path instead.