I knew he didn’t love me anymore, but I thought I could save him. I wanted to stay by his side despite the way he treated me. He hadn’t always been like this. He was once a loving person with ambition burning in his eyes. That was the person I had fallen in love with. Not this empty shell he had become.

I remember the first time he told me he loved me. We had been sitting in his car all night, listening to music and sharing stories. That was the first time he truly opened up to me. He told me stories and secrets he had never told anyone else before. He told me everything, the good and the bad. We ended up talking all night until the sun rose above the horizon. That night was when I realized I loved him. I realized I loved him despite all of his mistakes and faults.

He grabbed hold of my hand. I looked at him with a questioning look on my face. He averted his eyes from my gaze and I could see a slight blush on his cheeks. ‘What is it?’ I asked as I laughed softly. He looked out the window towards the sun that had peeked above the horizon and heaved a sigh. I could feel his fingers slightly trembling as they brushed against mine. I squeezed his hand reassuringly. ‘You know you can tell me anything,’ I told him. He slowly turned around to face me. The rising sun illuminated his face and made his eyes shine. He had a certain look in his eyes as he gazed at me. I couldn’t quite fathom what it was, but as the three words escaped his lips it became clear to me. I realized that the look in his eyes held true adoration. I told him I loved him too. I remember we were both shaking as embarrassed laughter escaped our lips.

‘I love you.’ Three words which used to be filled with longing and love. Now they were simply empty whispers and broken promises.

Months went by and I could see that fame was slowly changing him. He would come back late at night and he would always be too tired to actually talk to me. My calls and messages were left unanswered after a while. I tried my hardest to reach out to him and keep him grounded, but it was futile. He was long gone before I had even noticed it.

I would be waiting for him in our bedroom, wondering where he was all night. I couldn’t sleep unless I knew he was safe and alive. I would hear him stumble through the front door in the middle of the night when he finally came back. I stood up and leaned against the doorframe of our bedroom as I looked at him. He would be slurring all of his words and not make any sense as he stumbled through the hallway. He had bags underneath his eyes and his eyes no longer shone with ambition like they used to. He looked tired. Tired of life. He was no longer the same person.

It hurt me to see him like this. No matter how bad he had treated me, I was one of the few people who knew what he had truly been like. He had made me happier than any other person in this world. He used to hold so much life and passion inside of him. It radiated off of him and other people could see how hardworking and earnest he was.

I remember he used to tell me about all of his performances and interviews. He would tell me what had happened that day and he always made sure that I knew what was going on in his life.

One night he came home and broke down into my arms. I just held him and didn’t force him to talk. I knew he would tell me if he wanted to. Half an hour had gone by when he finally broke the silence. ‘Sometimes it’s all just too much. Sometimes everything just gets to me and it’s too much to handle on my own,’ he tried to explain as his voice broke. ‘You’re not on your own, Taeyong,’ I reassured him as I wiped a stray tear on his wet cheek. ‘Promise me you’ll never leave me no matter what happens?’ he asked as he held me even tighter in his embrace. I nodded my head. ‘I promise.’

Now he barely uttered a single word. He had built these walls around himself that I wasn’t able to break down anymore. I tried everything I could, but he slowly closed his heart off from the rest of the world including me. He was living in his own world now and no one was allowed to enter his deepest and darkest thoughts.

That morning when I left him I didn’t bother to hold back the sobs that had been wanting to escape when I closed the door behind me. My heart broke a little bit more with each and every step I took as I walked away from him. I never thought I would give up on him. I always believed that I could change him and that one day he would return to his former self. I was wrong. I was wrong and it pained me to realize this. I couldn’t save him.

I’m sorry, Taeyong. I’m sorry I couldn’t keep my promise.