I smoked. She hated this bad habit of mine. She tried to get me to stop smoking when we started dating. I didn’t mind it a lot. I didn’t smoke because I particularly enjoyed it.

She was a nice person. She loved me for who I was and she was always there to take care of me. I appreciated it, but deep inside my heart I knew I wasn’t right for her. I took her kindness for granted. She would argue and fight with me whenever I didn’t have the time to meet up with friends and family. She would argue with me whenever I called off another date for an important interview. I wasn’t always like this. Fame slowly changed me. I had to make sacrifices in order to rise to the top. I think she knew that she couldn’t save me anymore, but she still tried. I could see determination shine in her eyes. It reminded me of the lit tip of a cigarette. My only source of light. She was naive and innocent, but maybe that’s why I liked her. She was the exact opposite of me.

I started smoking again. I became more and more distant. I spent my time doing interviews and performances. She would try to call me, but I never picked up. She would send me messages, but I never replied. The only time I would ever see her or talk to her was when I’d come home in the middle of the night.

She heard me stumbling through our apartment towards the bedroom. I could see the light seeping through the cracks of the door. She probably stayed up all night, worrying about me. She opened the bedroom door and asked, ‘Where have you been all night? Do you know what time it is?’ I looked at her blankly for a couple seconds while my drunken mind tried to process her words. ‘Do you always have to interrogate me whenever I get home? I was out,’ I said as I finished our conversation. I dragged my feet towards the bed and out within seconds.

A ray of sunlight hit my face as I woke up the next day. I squinted my eyes to get used to the light. I looked at the alarm clock. It was 7 AM. I groaned as I realized how little sleep I had got that night. I stretched my body and slowly stood up. I looked behind me to see her still asleep. I searched my pockets for my pack of cigarettes. Once I had found it, I made my way towards the window. I opened it and sat down on the windowsill. It was a cold morning as I could feel a soft breeze enter the room. I lit a cigarette and looked out towards the city. It reminded me of myself. Cold and lonely.

‘Why are you up so early?’ I heard a soft voice ask from behind me. ‘I couldn’t sleep, my headache is killing me,’ I answered without looking back. ‘I told you to stop drinking and smoking so much, didn’t I?’ she said pedantically. I sighed. Not this again. I was not in the mood to have this conversation. ‘Just mind your own business,’ I replied.

‘Why are you being like this? You’re so cold lately. You don’t even bother to spend time with me anymore!’ she said while raising her voice. ‘I’m tired of you treating me like this. I never thought you would let all the fame go to your head like that. You’ve changed a lot, Taeyong. I can barely recognize you now.’

‘I had to make sacrifices in order to chase my dreams, that’s all there is to it,’ I answered. ‘You had to make sacrifices? Are you happy about that? Are you happy with the way you’ve become? Was all of it really worth it just for this dream of yours?’ she asked.

‘Just a dream? I worked years for this. You would never understand what I’ve been through in order to make it this far,’ I said as I could feel my temper rising. ‘I’m not giving all of this up.’

‘Not even for me?’ she asked. I stayed quiet. ‘I knew it. I ing knew it.’ She walked towards me and looked me straight in the eye as she asked, ‘Did you ever even love me?’ I stayed silent. I sighed after a couple seconds. I didn’t want to be bothered with this drama.

Tears started filling her eyes as I made no effort to answer her question. I could hear her footsteps walking away from me. She grabbed a bag and tried to gather all of her belongings in it. ‘I can’t believe I wasted my time on you. I gave you all of my love and effort and what do I get? Nothing.’

I stayed silent throughout the entire ordeal. I could hear her shuffling around our apartment as she tried not to forget a single item. She tried to hide her sobs, but I could tell she was crying. Once she had everything she needed, she stepped inside our room one last time. ‘I hope you’re proud of yourself. I hope you’re happy once you realize you’re all alone at the top. Goodbye, Taeyong.’

I could hear the front door close after a couple seconds. The apartment was completely silent. I was finally alone. I lit another cigarette. Maybe this could replace the emptiness inside of me.

She never quite understood why I smoked. ‘You love cigarettes more than me,’ she had once said while shaking her head. I smoked to numb the pain, but at the same time it was the only thing that made me feel alive. It made the inside of my lungs feel like they were burning.

She was like a cigarette to me. She was short-lived and left me weaker than when she found me. I breathed her in, I let her fill my body with the things I needed. Then I breathed her out, the smoke cloud thinned just like her presence. Now I’m left with nothing.

Did I ever love her? I did. She always wondered about my habits as I lit another cigarette. ‘You’re the worst one to break,’ I would whisper softly. This cigarette will kill me slowly, but you, you will kill me in seconds. I loved her so much that it scared me. Our kisses tasted like all the things that would kill us one day. I knew I was going to end up hurting her. I made her hate me. Leaving me would be less painful that way.

She didn’t like it whenever I kissed her after I had smoked a cigarette. Now every time she kisses someone else, I hope cigarettes stain her tongue and that every day tastes like me. I hope the smell of cigarettes reminds her of the days she was still with me.

Our relationship was like a cigarette. It lived and died. It glowed and then burned to ashes.

I’m like a cigarette, poisoning every pair of lips I ever meet.