I went to see the members after they had returned to Korea, just like he had told me to do. I did miss them after all. It was nice to see them again. I guess Johnny hadn’t told them about our break up yet, so I tried my hardest to be happy around them, or at least pretend to be. They were like brothers to me. They told me all kinds of stories that happened during their world tour. I found it fascinating and interesting to hear about their experiences. I would feel something tugging on my heartstrings whenever they mentioned Johnny, but I tried to ignore it. I asked them if they knew when Johnny would be coming back, but none of them knew. I didn’t bother asking anymore questions about him, in fear of deepening my own wounds.

Months went by and my contact with them started decreasing. They got busier and more popular. They barely had time to meet up with friends anymore. Part of me was sad about this, but another part of me was relieved, because being around them made me think of Johnny. Johnny came back after three months. I read about it in news articles. His company didn’t mention any details about his leave. I wondered how his dad was doing. How had things gone in Chicago? Did his father manage to recover? I couldn’t help but care about him and his family, despite the fact that they didn’t have anything to do with me anymore. NCT continued their promotions like nothing had ever happened, like Johnny had never been away. As time went on, I would occasionally see pictures of him in articles or even when walking the streets. He was everywhere. It was hard to avoid him. A year had gone by since I’d last spoken to him, but it was still hard not to think about him.

They were going to perform at one of the biggest Korean award shows. My friends asked me if I wanted to go along with them. I was reluctant at first, scared of seeing him again, but I ended up agreeing, because I loved seeing them perform and it felt right to go. I had to show them my support after all.

Two weeks went by and it was the night of the award show. My friends and I were all huddled together in my room. We were all putting the finishing touch to our outfits. I wasn’t quite sure about my outfit, but I had decided to go with something simple but classy. Once we were done, we headed towards the car to get to our destination. We were all excited, but I couldn’t help but feel nervous. I could feel the butterflies in my stomach. It had been almost a year and a half since I had last seen him. ‘Has he changed a lot? Is he still as handsome as he was back then? Does he ever wonder about me too? Is he expecting me tonight?’ I kept asking myself these questions.

Once we arrived, we headed towards our seats. There were a lot of people already and I could see a lot of NCT light sticks. I couldn’t help but be amazed at their popularity. Twenty minutes later the award show started. There were amazing performances by some of my favorite artists. We were all having fun. NCT’s performance was coming up next. I couldn’t exactly describe the way I was feeling. I was nervous, but excited at the same time. The stage was dark. Once the tune of their newest song could be heard, the lights slowly . They were all standing in a circle, across the entire stage. They were dressed in suits. It was easy to recognize Johnny, even if I tried my hardest not to focus on him. I couldn’t help but smile. He looked so handsome on stage. He hadn’t changed one bit. My eyes were focused on him during the entire song. He was simply captivating. I couldn’t pull my gaze away from him. I was finally able to see him again after such a long time. It wasn’t the way I imagined it would be, but it still made me happy. The song was slowly coming to an end and I couldn’t help but panic slightly. What if this was the last time I’d see him? I couldn’t quite handle the thought of never seeing him again. We broke up a long time ago, so I hated to admit it, but I was not over him. I missed him a lot and still thought about him each and every day. The song had ended and they were leaving the stage. I felt slightly sad, but tried to hide it. My friends and I were here to enjoy the evening. I didn’t want to ruin the mood.

The next award was for Artist of the Year. It was the most important award an artist could receive. NCT were nominated for this award. The MC called out the names of the nominees. The fans screamed the loudest when NCT was mentioned. It put a smile on my face and I couldn’t help but scream along. He came to the end of the list of nominees. He slowly opened the envelope with the winner’s name written on it.

‘The award for best artist of the year goes to… NCT!’ the MC announced. We all stood up and cheered for the boys. Their hard work paid off and it showed. I couldn’t stop clapping and cheering for the boys as they moved towards the stage. They all looked amazing and they had the biggest smile on their face. I felt so proud of them. They took turns doing their speech. Johnny was the last to speak. His speech was cliché, but I hung onto every single word he said. It felt great to hear his voice again. It felt like home to me. After he finished his speech, the guys all bowed towards the audience and slowly made their way back to their seats.

The award show ended about an hour later. The audience slowly left the stadium. My friends and I were making our way towards the car, when I suddenly got a text message. It was from Johnny. I blinked a couple times to make sure I wasn’t mistaken. Did he still have my number after all this time? I opened the message and started reading it. ‘I know you’re here, right now. Your friends told some of the other members you were coming along with them. I hope you haven’t left yet. I know it’s been a really long time since we’ve last spoken to each other, but I really want to talk to you. Do you have time to meet up?’ the message said. I was in shock. I had never expected him to message me, let alone plan on meeting up with me. My fingers were shaking as I tried to respond to his message. ‘Yes, I would love to,’ I answered. I had to keep it short, because I didn’t know what to say and I wanted to respond quickly. I couldn’t let a chance like this slip away. ‘Come meet me at the back of the stadium. There’s no one around this area, so you don’t have to worry about us being seen together,’ he responded.

I looked up at my friends who were in the car already. They looked at me expectantly. ‘Are you getting in? What are you waiting for?’ my friend asked me. ‘I– You guys go ahead. I have something important I need to take care of. Don’t worry about me. I’ll call you guys as soon as I get home,’ I said. ‘Alright then… Just be careful, okay?’ they said unsure. I nodded my head.

As soon as they left, I made my way towards the place we promised to meet up. My heart was beating faster and faster with every step. I wasn’t mentally prepared for this. ‘What am I going to say to him? Do I look alright?’ My mind started flooding itself with silly questions. I had no time to prepare myself. I could see his tall figure in the distance. I slowed down my pace. My palms started sweating. I could feel butterflies in my stomach. I hadn’t seen him in such a long time. I didn’t know what to expect of this conversation. Once I was close enough to see his face clearly, I stopped walking. I tried to keep a safe distance from him. He smiled at me.

‘Hey… long time no see. How have you been?’ he asked carefully. ‘I’ve been alright. How about you?’ I wondered. ‘Things are slowly getting better. Work has been distracting me a lot,’ he answered. ‘Better? What do you mean?’ I asked. ‘Let’s just say that things didn’t go as planned back in Chicago,’ he said. ‘What happened? Is your dad alright?’ I asked worried. ‘He… he was doing fine the first couple of weeks. It seemed like things were getting better, but then all of a sudden he collapsed, so he ended up in the hospital again. They told us his condition was bad and it was only getting worse. They said it was very unlikely for him to recover again. I tried to stay hopeful, but they ended up being right. He didn’t recover. I wasn’t able to save him,’ Johnny said. I could see he was trying to hold back the tears. I walked over towards him and gave him a hug. ‘I’m so sorry… I don’t know what to say. He didn’t deserve it. It’s not your fault, Johnny. You tried everything you could,’ I tried reassuring him. ‘I know, but it’s hard. It’s been months now, but I still miss him. I miss him so much,’ he said softly. I held onto him tightly, afraid that he could fall apart any second now. He put his arms around me and returned my embrace. ‘Don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine. I have the members to cheer me up and distract me. They have been an amazing support,’ he said. I smiled. I was glad to hear that he wasn’t suffering on his own. ‘Anyway, this wasn’t what I wanted you to come here for. I wanted to talk to you about something else,’ he said. I looked at him with a confused expression. ‘Don’t look at me like that. You know what I’m talking about,’ he said while laughing slightly. ‘I’ve missed you a lot. I still miss you. I’m sorry for the ways things ended between us. I felt like you would be happier if I let you go, so you could live your own life without having to worry about me. I’m sorry for being selfish and not taking your feelings into consideration. I should’ve asked for your opinion on the matter, but I knew that you would’ve changed my mind. I couldn’t afford to let that happen. I had to let you go. I hope you understand that,’ he said to me. I nodded my head. ‘I’m not mad at you, I never was. I was just confused, but I understood that you wanted to take care of your dad. I don’t blame you for that,’ I replied. ‘I’m glad to hear that. I never meant to hurt you. I need you to know that. Ever since I came back to Korea, I couldn’t help but wonder about you. I kept on wondering how you were doing and where you were. Whenever I was out on the streets, I was always hoping to run into you. I was too scared to call you. I was scared you didn’t want to talk to me anymore. When you replied to my message, I was so happy and relieved. I was scared I wouldn’t be able to see you anymore, but you came. I don’t know if I’m getting ahead of myself, but I feel like it’s a sign. You coming here must mean something, right?’ he asked hopefully. ‘Johnny… it’s been such a long time since we’ve last seen each other. I have changed and I’m sure you have changed as well. How do you know if we’re still right for each other?’ I asked him. He stayed quiet for a bit to think about his response.

‘I don’t know what your situation is right now. I don’t know if you’ve met someone else already. I don’t know if you even want this anymore, but please, let’s talk this over,’ he said as he looked at me with slight desperation in his eyes. ‘Please, don’t decide right now. I want you to think about our situation carefully. I want you to give me a chance. I want to show you that I still care about you and I really want to give this another shot. I know I messed up the first time, but if you’re willing to give me another chance, then I will make sure to never let you go again. I can promise you that with all of my heart,’ he said.

I tried to hold my tears back. I never tried to keep my hopes up, in fear of disappointing myself, but after all these months, he’s standing here in front of me and confessing that he still loves me. I never expected this to happen. ‘I… I don’t know what to say. I’m speechless. Hearing these words from you makes me so happy. I still care about you a lot too, Johnny. I feel like we should just take it slow for now and try to catch up with each other. Maybe then we could decide on where to go from there?’ I asked him. He nodded his head. ‘That sounds like a good idea,’ he said as he tightened his embrace. Being in his arms felt like I was finally home again.