My 49,

I've thought long and hard where to write my response to you and decided my diary is the best medium to put it. This entry is set to private so that only us can see.

T his time, I'll be the one to take you to a trip down memory lane.

Y ou may call it Tatsuhisa Suzuki's version of our story.

It's no different from yours of course except that this time, I'll let you know how I felt being with you all these years.

It started with a random trip to the gallery. I have no interest in purchasing anything then. That time, paintings and artworks are something that I considered as visual stimulators. I'm not the type who finds a deeper meaning to them.

That is until I saw a painting that will set the course of my path to you.

The colors and the figures on that piece reminded me of my favorite place back in my hometown; the one where I run to when melancholia gets the better of me. You captured it vividly.

I checked for the artist's signature and it said 'My name is Yorke'.

I went back home with your paintings in tow and researched your other works thru your website. In between my voice acting commitments and band rehearsals that was all I did and it got me hooked with the person behind the artworks even more.

I was excited with the fact that you work with musicians and even went on a tour with Miyavi. At that time what I thought was that I must be lucky since we have something in common. It will not be hard to start a conversation with you, if ever.

That night I made a sudden decision. I need to meet you in the flesh.

Silly wasn't it? Wanting to meet a person on a basis of one of his works. I've never been a big fan of anyone and that was the first time I've ever felt that way. It was like you communicated to me thru your art...that we had that connection. Was it destiny like how some people explain such phenomenon? I don't know. I might never know.

You implied on your letter that I was calm and composed when I went to your live painting for the first time. You were wrong.

I was in awe.

With every of the brush, butterflies fluttered on my stomach. The way you move with grace, the way you created a rhythm with every action that you impose on that canvass and the way your expressive eyes evoked the feelings captured by your art. It was breathtaking.

You were the most beautiful piece of art in that room.

Gathering all of my courage and will power, I approached you and invited you to that cafe. I chattered a lot didn't I? I might have sounded confident that time but It was actually my way of easing the tension I felt inside. All of the things I said though, were my genuine feelings. You were the missing piece that oldcodex needed.

It was later on that I realize that there was a personal motive behind that approach.

And so you became a part timer for oldcodex. Everyone adored you right off the bat. Your vision gave hope to a band plagued with uncertainty with members leaving and with finances in disarray. For the first time I enjoyed the late night sessions at the studio, the brainstorming and yes, even the budgetting. All because you were there.

Because of you the people who thought I was difficult to work with started seeing me in a different light.

My mind was set. I'll do whatever it takes to make you an official member of the band.

I thought that the band was the only reason why I wanted you so badly. But everyday, when I see your welcoming smile at the studio, your comforting words when the band fails at getting a deal, the food waiting for me on my desk when I'm not in a good mood, all of those gestures Yorke, made me fall in love with you.

I tried fighting it. Once I even made myself believe that it was all because I saw you as an older brother that I never had, but then later that day you shared your strawberries with me and the giddiness that I felt contradicted that conviction.

What I felt for you was definitely not platonic...

Everyday afterwards was a battle for me. I wanted to tell you everything. I felt like if I won't I'm just going to explode and die. But it wasn't easy. How would someone so innocent take such confession? Will it gross you out? Losing you was not something that I was willing to risk.

So I turned to alcohol. I called you every night while at my drunken stupor. It was the only way that I can think of that will give me courage to confess. It strengthened my resolve to court you like a man does with a woman.

I was glad that you were gracious enough to indulge me.

And so that moment, when I finally were able to tell you my feelings. You did not respond, and for a moment there I thought you're going to tell me that I was disgusting, but something in your eyes made me understand that it was fear that's holding you back.

Do you know why I gave you my most treasured ring?

Because I can't stand an existence where I am nothing but a mere memory to you. I wanted to be physically part of your life no matter what. Even if you reject me, I'll be consoled with the fact that you will have a piece of me wherever you go.

I cried that night too, just like you did.

And then you called and bared your heart. I can't believe my good luck that you felt the same way. I understood your hesitation then but I was willing to wait no matter what it takes. Because finally, I met a person who share the same dream.

Because I love you.

It took us 10 months, but we made it. I was officially your boyfriend and partner. The years that followed, those were the best. I was blessed in all aspects of my life. We were getting recognition in the music industry. A future is laid in front of me, a future with you... A family. Things that I genuinely wanted. My family even gave us their blessing. My mom adores you.

We were truly happy.

Never once did I imagine that the happiness that we achieved is as fragile as glass.

When I lost my best friend, he took with him a piece of me. Losing him made me rethink my relationship with you. I started acknowledging that what we have is something that is not accepted by society. If we did not have the celebrity status that would have been fine, but we are constantly in the public eye.

What if you realise that having this relationship is not worth it?

I f you get to live with me and see more of my flaws would you leave? 

Would you leave if everyone that we knew started condemning us for having this unacceptable relationship?

That's a gamble that I'm not willing to take. I am convinced that losing another loved one would be something that I won't be able to bear.

If I lose you, there will be nothing left.

When you went to my home and sang me that song, it caused a conflict in my feelings. You were an angel who descended down at one of the darkest moments of my life. Your voice soothed the very core of my soul.

But how can I deserve such a person? Truly you're someone who is not meant for a weakling like me and sooner or later, you'll realize it.

And so I had to put up my barriers Yorke. I know it was cowardice but that is the only thing that can pacify my fears.

I started focusing hard on my work. I thought that will lessen my dependency of you. I want to cut the times when all I ever think about is you. I removed our ring from my finger. It was safe. It will not cause me any more heartaches.

But it ing hurt. To turn away from you, just as when you were trying so hard to put the pieces back. It hurt when you were pushed to believe that I'm in love with somebody else. It pains me to push all our plans aside. I wanted to stab myself, I wanted to punch myself in the head... You don't deserve the kind of treatment I was giving.

I was holding back a lot, and it took quite a toll on you. You were losing weight, you were reduced to jealousy... to begging... 

I was being unfair.

I don't want to continue being unjust to you that's why I had to make a decision.

Either I face my fears or give you up.

In the end, I chose the safest decision. Our last quarrel was the final straw. I gave you up.

I gave up on the person who took care of me and showered me with nothing but love and kindness, the person that I love with all my heart and soul.

Walking away from you that day, was the hardest thing that I did in my life. I chose to give up our dreams and convince myself it was all a folly. Just because I was afraid...

I was no different from that person who hurt you in the past... No, I was a hundred times worse. I've given you nothing but false hope.

I thought it was for the best. I ...

- My thoughts and my writing were halted when the phone rang.

It was Ryuuta.

"How is he?'" He asked the moment I answered the phone.

Hearing the voice of an old friend made the emotions well up, I sobbed. "he... Is still in a coma".

I heard a sob escape from Ryuuta too. But he did not let it show as his voice was calm when he asked. "how are you... how are you taking this?"

I took a glance on the other side of the hospital room where Yorke lay. The sobs turned into cries. "I don't know anymore Ryuuta.... It was... All of this... Is my fault"

If only I have been on our meeting place earlier.

Reading Yorke's letter convinced me even more that I made the wrong decision, but it took me a while to decide whether or not to meet him. I needed more time to gather enough courage to face him.

By the time that I finally decided to screw everything and see him once more, it was too late. 

"I saw his bicycle and Yorke... He was lying there... There was blood all over'" I cried.

"Tatsun... I can't say anything to console you, but please stay strong... For Yorke".

I was trying to, but there are times when my faith wavers. But I won't tell Ryuuta that, that will be unfair to him. "I am trying..." I said instead, whilst wiping my tears. "Please come see him Ryuuta. Talk to him. The doctor said that it will help".

Ryuuta took a while to respond. "As much as I want to, I know I'm not the one that he needs. That... should be your responsibility... But I'll pray Tatsun".

It was my turn to be silent. We both knew the meaning of the words that were just said.

Ryuuta was in love with Yorke for the longest time.

Nobody brought it up but when Yorke and I got together, but things got awkward between me and Ryuuta. it was something that was left unsaid when he departed from the band.

Another one of my sins... Hurting a dear friend.

"Tatsun, Yorke loves you so much. I am confident that he's fighting for his life right now, because he wants to be with you again. So... Stay strong and tell him everyday how much you love him".

 "Ryuuta. I..."

"Dont... please don't. I love you my dear friend. No matter what happens always remember that. I'll see you and Yorke soon." He immediately cut me off, anticipating the burst of apology from me.

"Thank you. Ryuuta. I love you too".

"In a platonic kind of way right?" It was so like Ryuuta, always trying to lighten up even the darkest of situations

"Of course".

After our conversation I went back and sat beside the bed of my sleeping lover. Everything was silent except for Yorke's steady breathing. I held his hand and wept again.

I've lost track of the number of times that I cried since his accident.

The worst thing is, nothing seemed to change no matter how hard I weep and plea. He is still there, sleeping as if he'd already forgotten the real world.

It hurt to face the consequences of my actions.

"Yorke, I know you can hear me... so... please wake up. You know I can't live without you. You... You're the only person who understood... I know I took you for granted but please please let me atone'

It hurt just to breath.

'... I beg you please hear me. I'm losing hope.'

I placed his hand on my heart hoping that he will feel my remorse. 'It was all my fault. Please forgive me".

Again I was taunted by the deafening silence of the room.

After a while I gently placed his hand back to his sides, wiped my tears, stood and decided to went back to my diary. No matter what happens, I must finish it before Yorke wakes up.

A heartfelt love letter deserves an equally loving response after all.

...I cried when I read your letter and contemplated on your message. How can you be so kind? After everything that I've done to you, you still think of what's best for me.

I was a fool all along.

I rushed happily to our meeting place. The only thing on my mind then was how I am going to apologize to you and tell you over and over how much I love you. I was going to beg for us to start over. I'll do everything to undo the pain that I caused you.

But why? Why is life so cruel to you? It should have been me that was hit by that stupid truck.

Why do you have to endure so much pain because of me?

Please come back to me soon. This time I promise I'll make you the happiest person in the whole world. There will be no more holding back.

I will love and cherish you like you deserve.

I'll be waiting for the day when we wear our rings again.

I'll look forward to the day when we can stand on the same stage again.

I love you. I love you. I love you.

I'll be waiting for you.

Always,

Your Tatsu.

***

Fireworks displayed in the horizon as I stood on the window of the hospital room, listening to Yorke's recording whilst holding our rings. It gave me renewed hope. Soon these rings will be worn on our fingers again.

Wake me up,

When you feel like talking

Can you feel me right now

Let me know...

"Tat...su..."

A weak, faint voice suddenly mingled with the song that I've been playing, I looked back at the bed and saw...

"Yorke..."

My eyes welled up with tears. Yorke was looking at me with so much love and he slowly extended his hand to me.

...I held and kissed them.

'Welcome back, my love'.

~TBC~