Dearest Tatsu,

I'm not good with this. I can hold a paint brush and it all day, but writing is a different thing. It tires my fingers easily. Nevertheless, I'll do my best. I can type this in but I truly believe that my hand writing would best convey my feelings for you. How many years has it been? 6 years? 7? I can't remember anymore. It's a good thing we never talked about celebrating anniversaries, because if we do… Well, I'll get a mouthful from you for sure.

I can't remember the exact date when I first saw you but... I can vividly recall how our first encounter went. Right now, as I'm writing this, I can even play the scenario in my head. You were standing on that corner while watching me on one of my live painting sessions. You caught my eye while I was giving my final bow to the audience. There are no words enough to describe my vision of you on that day. Just that… You were like a fallen angel. Ethereal. Your skin glowed; the eyes that were almost hidden by your long fringes gave you an aura of mystery. And you were smiling... as if you saw a prey that is ready to fall under your trap.

And I did. There was no turning back.

You approached me and we talked on a nearby cafe. I should've gone on to my next commitment, but I was so ensnared by you that it was next to impossible to do so.

You introduced yourself as Tatsuhisa Suzuki, the seiyuu and front man of oldcodex. Of course I've heard of you. You are practically an idol but you felt compelled to introduce yourself anyway. You said that you bought several of my paintings and you were awed. You were such a sight, so much so that I let you did the talking. And you did. You shared your vision for your band, your love for music and art, and how you think those two intertwines and balances each other perfectly. You said you liked my work and offered me a chance to collaborate for the visuals of your band. I should've said no, my recent collaboration with Miyavi, my work with other artists and my live sessions are keeping me occupied I barely had a chance to sleep, let alone have a decent social life. But then you boldly held my hand and begged with that low voice (which I found that you rarely use, unless you want something to go your way).

We haven't even talked about compensation, but you convinced me quickly enough to say yes.

Weeks passed, Suzuki -kun was easily replaced with Tatsu as we got close to each other. You were known for being difficult to work with. They said you were temperamental, perfectionist and are choosy with the types of work that you accept. But for some reason, you’re reasoning and thinking complimented mine. We work well together. We thrived. I was fully embraced, considering that the work that I'm doing was just part time. I was happy with you and the band as a whole. It was a good feeling, especially when I get a pat in that back or a smile of encouragement from you.

But then you made it a habit to call me every night, remember? Your timing is so great that it always happens whenever I'm ready to hit the sack. You were always on a state of drunkenness when you do it too. I even joked about it, calling it ta2's love calls. You rambled on and on how you want me to be an official member of the band. That I'm the greatest and that you like me.

The first time I heard those words, of your liking me, I felt a sense of euphoria coupled with fear. It was hard to explain.

One thing is for sure during that time though, some feeling that I denied ever being there started coming out.

(My original plan was to send you a love letter, but this is starting to be more of reminiscing. In any case, please indulge me. As I'm writing this, I feel like going through the best years of my life all over again... )

And so the nightly calls went on. During those calls you were so persistent to the point where you sound like a petulant kid when I said I would think about it. I smile when you whine like a child. When you're sober the next morning, you act differently, approaching me on the studio, with a suave 'Please think about it' without a hint of apology for disturbing my sleep the night before. Ah, you were truly spoiled. We never really had a chance to thoroughly discuss it, but then Valentine's day came. On the band's after party, you literally dragged me off on a remote bar to talk. While consuming a large amount of alcohol, you blurted out that having me on the band will be beneficial to oldcodex… to you.

Then after a long awkward pause, you said something that will change my life forever.

You said you're in love with me.

I did not know what to say. I saw how your face fell after getting nothing but silence from me but you still went on. You told me that you fell in love with my work first. After getting to know me, my innocence, my child like demeanor and my sincere concern and appreciation for everyone, you said you fell even harder. I was speechless. You must’ve felt my chaotic state and was gracious enough to end that night. But before we parted, you gave me your favorite skull ring. I can still remember what you said word for word; that you understand if I walk away, that it’s normal to be freaked out when faced with a declaration from a man.

Nevertheless, you wanted me to keep the ring as a symbol of either the beginning of a new bond between us or the end of our friendship, whatever my decision may be.

You kissed me in the forehead and left.

I never told you this but did you know I cried that night? I should've been happy that you love me because I felt the same way but I'm afraid of going that route with you…

I composed myself and called you an hour later. Thank goodness you never thought to record that conversation. It was so embarrassing. I was like a woman responding to a man's courtship. I was glad that you were sober then. Do you still remember? I laid all my fears. Of how the first person that I loved broke up with me because of my possessiveness. He said I was sick in the head. You see, that carved a hole in my heart because it's true. Who in their right mind would go on a homoual relationship without a care for what other people might think and would even expect to start a family? This is what I wanted and it has not changed. I said that I like you so much and that I don't want to lose whatever we have because of my selfish desires. What you said made my heart swell.

'You're not crazy for wanting those things because I wanted them too. Let me be a part of your dreams'

You gave me time to think things through. You told me you would wait until I feel like giving myself to the band and to you as a partner. And then as if nothing major just happened, or maybe it was your way to put me at ease; you went on with your ideas for the next music video.

Afterwards, I held your ring close to my chest and slept with a smile on my face.

Your solo career and oldcodex's popularity even soared higher but your feet were still firmly planted on the ground. I admired that so much. Our relationship was getting better, you joked many times that we are on the courtship stage and you even had my shirts copied. Your face lights up whenever Sugaya takes notice of our 'couple shirts' You were so cute. The more I get involved with the band, the more I realize that you have the tendency to push yourself to the limits. You worked harder than everyone else. You often stayed at the studio late to oversee composition and on one of those nights when I saw you passed out during a recording I thought to myself; I need to take care of you, to always be there to help you out in every difficult situation, I wanted to be your partner in every sense of the word.

I hated myself for waiting 10 months to reach a decision.

After finally coming to terms with my feelings for you, I had a jeweller replicate your skull ring and painted a portrait of you. I was thinking of a place where I can finally declare my love and accept your feelings while giving them when you called and invited me to play monster hunter at your home. It was perfect.

I made you cry. Tears were falling from your face whilst joking that we were practically married because of the rings and that oldcodex is the first band in Japan with married members. You were so adorable. We played, made love, slept and laughed while riding the train the next morning.

All of it will be etched in my memory forever.

We were so happy as the years go by. We faced difficulties with the band, from the members leaving to struggling with finances but we were able to pull it off with our great team work. Outside of work, we started talking about living together, of putting our stuff together and having our business. You indulge me with my dream of adopting a little girl to complete our future home. I felt that we're close to that dream. My greatest dream.

But then everything changed with the death of your friend. I've met that person only a couple of times but I knew that you grew up with him and he is like a brother to you. You shut yourself in your home after asking for a leave at work. You refused to talk to everyone, even me. The only time that I heard from you was when you update your journal, and even there, through your words, I can feel that you were in so much pain. I hated myself for not being there just because I adhered to your wishes. I should be the one to accompany you in your grief. I've been through the same agony. Me, of all people, should know what you're going through and would know how to ease your burdens.

With that thought, I started grabbing a pen and a paper. Lyrics flowed like water on that medium. Finally, I found something that would bridge my feelings to you. I felt confident that I will finally be able to fully help you.

And so, gathering enough courage, I practically stormed your apartment. You let me in after letting you know that I'm going to camp outside if you refuse.

It didn't take a while before you cried in my arms. You told me then that you don't want to go thru the same thing again, afterwards over and over, as if saying a chant; you said that it was not worth it.

The meaning of it was lost to me during that time and it took me a while to understand it's implication.

It took a while, but you recovered. You hugged me the day you were back at work and thanked me for my help over and over. When we were alone together, you request me to sing Garden gate to you. My song to you puts you at ease and lulls you to sleep. During your interview, you even credited me for helping you get back on your feet while talking about your future plans animatedly. Yes, the jolly Tatsun that everyone adore is back.

My Tatsu never fully resurfaced.

It started with the ring. You ceased wearing it. When I asked you about it, you said it did not fit anymore but you refused when I offered to have it sized. I told myself over and over that it did not mean anything and tried hard to push it aside and continue to be your supportive partner. We started having arguments afterwards, mainly because of me. Whenever I bring up the subject of our living together, you try to cut me off or change the subject, unlike before. When I talked about how I wanted to adopt a little girl because of the kid on our music video you said that society will condemn me, before walking away. All the personal dreams that we built for how many years, was lost. Your drive was solely focused on the band and your career. You told me that I should do the same and refrain from dwelling on unrealistic goals.

It left me devastated.

I told myself that you probably needed time, so I stopped talking about it. I took your advice and prioritized the band and my painting career. Our relationship remained. You were still devoted to me. We go out, watch movie on your home, drink together and we even travel but everything was about the present. I felt like time was keeping up to me and it is about to take you away anytime. My old insecurities came back and started eating me from the inside.

To add to my fears, you started getting close with Daisuke Ono. When we talk, it was all about him. How cool he is, how devoted he is to his craft and how he was able to establish himself in the seiyuu industry. I felt inferior when compared with him. I'm a man on my thirties but thinking how my boyfriend admires someone else so much brings out the jealousy in me. So much so that I cry myself to sleep almost every night.

And so the incident 2 weeks ago happened. Tatsu I just wanted to let you know that I deeply regretted it.

I'm sorry. Because of me you had to be in that situation.

I put down my pen and buried myself in my hands. After some time, I left my unfinished letter and went to my balcony to look up to the sky. It used to be my source of inspiration, but tonight, instead of calming me like it usually does, it made me remember the incident from 2 weeks ago.

We were watching television when news of allowed same marriage in the US aired. I placed my arms around Tatsu who was sitting beside me. I was overjoyed. The news put me in good mood for some reason. I fixed my gaze at Tatsu, whose face was unreadable. I held him closer 'Let's go to the US?' I said, smiling.

Tatsu looked at me, bewildered. 'Don't get started with that ridiculousness please.' His response to me seemed to have represented the way he felt about our relationship altogether.

All the feelings that I bottled up poured out. I snapped. 'Is that all I am to you now? Someone pathetic? Just because I was trying to rekindle our plans?'

Tatsu let out a sigh. 'No Yorke. But you're venturing on unrealistic dreams. We are in Japan and we are constantly in the public eye. You're thinking immaturely.' He said as if lecturing a child.

'But you have no qualms at flirting with Daisuke Ono on your seiyuu event. In front of everyone.' My voice was laced with venom.

Tatsu stood up. He looked tired and worn out but I can feel that he was angered. 'You know what Yorke, talk to me after you calmed down. You're being irrational.' He started walking out the door.

'Tatsu, what happened? You wanted this before. This was... This was our dream. What changed it? What do I need to do to get the old you back?' Something warm trickled from my cheeks. I was crying.

Tatsu stopped and looked back at me. His features softened somehow. 'We are adults. You should know by know that dreams does not always transpose to reality.'

There was a long silence. I can barely see Tatsu because of the constant flow of tears in my eyes.

'I think... We should separate for a while.'

A sudden pain hit my chest, making me unable to breath. All the pain that I felt in the past was nothing compared to the one that is gripping my insides because of Tatsu's declaration. It hurts so much. Still, I mustered all my remaining strength to talk. 'I told you what I was like since the beginning. I told you I would want to go this path with you... I thought you accepted me like this... I thought you understood... You said you do...' I said in between every hiccup.
I heard Tatsu sob. I want to hold him, to beg him to take back what he said, anything that would wake us up from this nightmare... But I can't look at him. I'm afraid of seeing the rejection in his eyes, the disappointment and most of all, the conviction to let go of us. My heart would not be able to hold out.

’I'm sorry Yorke. I love you so much but... we need this.'

With that he walked away.

I am the one who filed for an indefinite leave from the band after the incident. I buried myself at home doing nothing, staring at my ceiling all day. It took a few days before I can grab a brush and paint, and even then, my heart is not set on the canvass like it usually does. I miss Tatsu. Is he doing well I wonder? Does he even think about me? Will he ever forgive me? Thinking about it, I was the one in the wrong. I selfishly impose my dreams on him, without thinking of the consequences. It took him a long time to get to where he was. Me who got in when everything was established may never fully understand. He built oldcodex out of sweat, blood and tears, and I was practically asking him to throw it all away. His career, his life’s work.

I should have waited, waited before his dream was well and truly fulfilled and helped him in every step instead like I originally vowed when I accepted Tatsu's love.

I went back to finish my letter.

It was selfish of me I know. What I asked from you was unreasonable; I thought little of what would happen to your career. I realized now that if I truly love you, I should wait when you are ready to share my dream. And that's what I'm going to do if you give me another chance.

But if you decide to end our relationship, I'll accept it as that is a consequence that I must bear.

Whatever your decision may be, rest assured that I'd still be a driving force in your life and I would continue standing next to you on every stage as long as you need me to.

Attached on this letter is your skull ring. It's time that it gets back to its owner. I would love to have it back but only if you still feel the same love that you felt years ago and If you would like to start over.

I would be at the same cafe where we first met tomorrow afternoon. I'm hoping against hope to see you there. If not, do not worry as I'll stop hoping, no matter how hard it is.

Take care of yourself.

I love you. Always.

Yorke

****

I never made it... I did not...

My only wish... Right now...

I want to hold you.

One last time.

TBC~