"Even if I start to burn, I'm a candle in the wind

Tears fall as much as I reveal myself to you

If  I suddenly stop this run, I'll definitely fall

So walk with me at least once..."

“I don’t want to hurt you.” He said someone like he’s already known that he’s gonna hurt him at all cost but still won’t hesitate to pull the trigger even if he knows that Taehyun is not gonna survive it. So he aims his words like a gun at Taehyun and pull the trigger saying that “ But I don’t love you Taehyun…”

“I don’t love you… I’m sorry to make you feel like a even though it isn’t what I want. But we’re a team. And we have to work this problem out. I’m the leader and I can’t let this affect the team negatively. You have to understand me Taehyun… You have to help me! Please tell me what I should do to make you stop loving me? to make you feel better?”

“Problem?”  Taehyun thinks. “He refers my love as a problem?”

“I don’t know how to stop this!” answers him Taehyun. He doesn’t want to cry in front of Seungyoon like a loser but tears doesn’t ask him to be shed.

“Why don’t you see Seungyoon?” Now he is definitely sobbing.

“If I knew how to get rid of this unrequited love, then I’d already give up on you! I tried, I swear! Again and again I tried to stop it. But hearts don’t work in the way we want. Why have you never considered to give me a chance? Am I so worthless that you don’t even give me a chance? Why?!!”

He screams falling on the floor as if he lost all his strength to stand still.

Seungyoon sighs like he doesn’t know how to handle this situation. He has literally tried everything to make it clear to Taehyun that there’s no way to be together for them. Seungyoon isn’t someone who can involve in relationships for fun and definitely he can’t sleep with anyone who he doesn’t love. He can’t figure it out why he can’t love Taehyun in that way even. He just doesn’t love him as a man but a little brother maybe? Or a friend? They are so different from each others like a day and night. Seungyoon has never known how to handle Taehyun. Taehyun is like a spoiled kid who wants to get everything he wants. And God knows since when he’s wanted Seungyoon’s heart as if it was something that Seungyoon could give it to his hands like a toy…  as if it was so easy… And now he is tired of trying to settling things up for the team’s sake. So he gives up and leaves Taehyun there walking out from room silently.

“Why can’t I give up on him? I’m Nam Taehyun who has always been treasure his pride much more than everything else why do I keep trying to hold on to someone who doesn’t want me? Why do I keep running to him again and again even though he closes all doors to my face? Since when I’ve became so miserable? On which point exactly I did give up on my pride?”

The man’s face who looks at him from the reflection of mirror is so stranger to Taehyun. He had never been someone so clingy and someone begging for love. But now here he keeps trying to a find a way to make Seungyoon love him. – which it definitely doesn’t work… Just for a moment he wants to laugh hysterically at his pitiful situation. But he is afraid of losing his mind completely. He’s afraid of the thought that if he stops running then he may fall and can not keep himself together again. But again he doesn’t know until when he’s gonna find that strength to dangle after him, either. It’s so hard to know that all his attempts are in vain… to know that he’s just floundering around…

Sometimes he thinks that he is about to die drowning in his own desperation.  But then he sees Seungyoon’s warm smile he can’t help but dream about them. If he devotes himself to show him how he doesn’t give up on loving him, then maybe Seungyoon can change his mind and gives something to Taehyun in return. “I’m okay with anything that he can give me. Even if it won’t be his love…” he says himself for the nth time. Yet so far he has got nothing but beated the air.

He closes his eyes trying to think something else. Something else beautiful… hopeful… But Seungyoon’s cold voice are ringing in his ears still. It isn’t something that Taehyun doesn’t know since Seungyoon has always made it clear with his actions. He’s implied this cold reality to Taehyun before then, too even if it isn’t with words. So, yes Taehyun has already known it. But between knowing it and hearing it, there is a difference. And he’s just realized this difference today.  Because it hurts. It hurts much more than it’s already hurted… For a heartbeat, he thought he could die because of pain at that moment even. Yet he could manage to breathe.

“I’m like a cat who has 9 lives. I keep falling down and crush but don’t die… By the way days keep getting worse and I’m just alive out of habit…” He smiles bitterly and thinks idly while his mind is dragged into another man. Mino…

“If you dream enough, at least some of it must come alive. I believe in this.” said once Mino. Taehyun wonders if this is the reason of Mino holding on to that hope waiting for Taehyun to love him. Such an irony… Probably the only one who can understand Taehyun’s pain in this world is again the only one who suffers from Taehyun’s . He can’t even know whether he should appreciate Mino’s loyalty or get mad at him being such a fool who let Taehyun to use him. It doesn’t something like that Taehyun doesn’t love Mino because he does but in a different way… maybe like a friend… Mino has a good heart and knowing this might have made Taehyun feel guilty but Taehyun knows that he’s selfish. As long as Mino is willing to give him those pain-killer moments,  then Taehyun will accept them gladly. Because Taehyun needs that distraction as a break from pain. Yes, Mino is his painkillers and for now Taehyun is thankful for his existence.

Suddenly he remembers how he wanted to escape from Mino’s eyes, not so much but just a few hours ago, when Mino looked at him with those begging eyes… Mino was standing there wearing his heart on his sleeves and looking at him as if he was looking at something so rare, so precious, so fragile without even knowing maybe that he himself looked more fragile than Taehyun at that moment. He looked at Taehyun as if he wanted to protect him from everyone without knowing that he himself is the only one who should protect himself from Taehyun.

“Oh God Mino what are we gonna do? Since apparently both of us are ed up…” he murmured.

Maybe the reason why Taehyun run to him everytime he feels as if he is about to die is that because he’s easy. Taehyun can feel safe, loved, in peace when he’s with Mino without giving him something but like God’s cruel joke to him, he’s never felt like drowning in those dark eyes but in Seungyoon’s… He’s never felt those butterflies under his skin when he’s with Mino but Seungyoon… When Mino is someone like “home”, Seungyoon is someone like “the whole universe” for Taehyun. And Taehyun has never liked to play safe… stay in his comfort zone since he was a kid… Maybe that’s why he’s fallen for Seungyoon but not Mino.

Taehyun is like a curious kid who likes running after unknown. A curious kid who watches a magician playing with fire with his admiring eyes and he himself wants to play with fire, too even if he knows that’s dangerous. A kid who is known as wet blanket out of others never knows how to give up and ready to play dirty until he gets what he wants. And being like this has always brought him to troubles. Even now, he doesn’t know how to let him go but tries to hold his love tightly. It hurts like hell but he’s too stubborn to give up. Seunghoon hyung always say that he’s being childish most of the time. Maybe that’s right… And maybe because Seungyoon thinks that he’s childish, too, so he doesn’t love him.

“maybe’s….” “what if’s…” “as if’s…”

He sighs and lays down on his bed hugging his blanket like a little kid. While he’s drowning in the mess in his mind, the melody coming from the next room breaks his heart more. When he can’t heal his own wound, how can he find a way to heal Mino’s wound? When he knows that he himself is the wound’s itself in the Mino’s heart…

“Should we stop for just a moment?

It hurts so much that I can’t endure it

Love thorns prick me…”

He wants to go back to Mino’s room and console him but he knows that it’s gonna only give him more pain in the end. No one wants someone’s pity, he thinks… Especially if it comes from the one that you love desperately. And no one can salve someone’s bleeding wound if it’s not the one who made that wound in the first hand. That’s the reason to prevent him to get up from the bed and walk to Mino’s room. So he closes his eyes whispering as if Mino could hear him:

“Lets stop for just a moment Mino… Because it hurts me so much, too…”