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Everyone knew who Kim Junmyeon was. “The leader of EXO” “Without Kim Junmyeon, EXO is nothing”. That’s what they kept on saying. Of course Suho felt grateful for that. Being labeled the core of EXO, but was that the far as he can go? Anyone can be a leader. You just need to know the right way to lead, to be selfless and to take one for the team. Maybe some people can’t do that but if you are given the task of a leader, it’s natural to have that feeling of carrying everyone’s burden with yours.

Sometimes Suho thought to himself, is that all? Was his role only a leader?

His goal before debut was to be a singer. To achieve his dreams and it’s completely normal for idols to wish for solo activities years after their debut. For Suho, being on television was enough. He desired to be remembered, to leave a legacy.

Many people knew him as the person who trained for 7 years. That long training period, there are expectations stamped on Suho to be the perfect idol.

7 years was a very long time for him. He spends his youth in the training room, looking at his close friends debuted before him. Sure he felt bitter but he has more years ahead of him, he thought. Then……7 years pass by.

Disappointed.

Was he not good enough? He’d been cage in for years. Training, sweating, crying and living in the training room. Years of practicing to be better day by day, was he still not enough?

It’ll be worth it. That’s what he told himself every day. Non-stop. His friends called him crazy for being so dedicated. The thing was, even if he debut, it wasn’t guaranteed that his group will be a hit like their sunbaes.

“Is this the best you can do? Did you really try your hardest?” he mumbled to himself.

Later when debuts, he achieved a lot of great things. His group to be exact. They went from being disapproved by people in 2012 and rose up to be one of the best in Korea and internationally. It was funny really, some people looked up to him and some people did the opposite. He remembered in 2014 when the first lawsuit came. He had to take full responsibility. Even he acknowledged his wrong doing for not taking care of everyone but what had him really in despair was one of his crying shoulder had disappear.

Kris or what he prefers to call him off camera as Yifan was not just a co leader. He was a place where Suho could lean on completely, where it was okay to ask for help, where he knew the worries; the burdens he carries on can be shared with him. When Suho first heard that there will be two leaders, he was quite skeptical about it, but he soon grows to love the idea. Like fans said, they were the father and the mother of the group. They needed each other.

But not everything goes as they please. Promises are meant to be broken. It started with him, followed by Luhan and soon Tao. He couldn’t really blame the three because even the fans knew their company was ruthless and wasn’t very decent at managing. The only thing that kept aching whenever he was reminded of Kris was the fact that he left just like that. Or maybe the fact that he left him just like that without someone to lean on.

Things can’t just end there. He is the leader, for God sake! Everyone was lost after three lawsuits. He reminded himself, this is who you are. This is your fate. You trained 7 ing years to be a leader, to lead the youngsters and Minseok for a better future and he did. That is why he was looked up by the fans. That is why everyone knew him. They were the group that fell apart so easily but also the group who manage to get up as easy as they fall.

That was one of the wonder being a leader. But was that the only thing he is capable of? 10 years from now, no one is going to keep repeating “Suho is a good leader”. No one is going to keep mentioning the same old thing you did back in 2014. He trained 7 years and we’re talking about training vocals, dancing, acting all it is there to be an idol.

But….He knows his place. Even though he trained for a long time, the moment he saw Chen, who had not received any training lesson from the company, manage to sweep everyone off their feet in the training room. That was something that even took him years of vocal lessons, but still getting told it wasn’t good enough.

“I’ll do harder.” He said to himself. “I might not be the best but I’ll do my best”. And so he did.

Same applied to dancing. He knew in his group, he wasn’t even close to be in the dance line. Kyungsoo and Baekhyun however, who had amazing vocals surprisingly improve so much in dancing. Even in 2016, people consider Baekhyun as the dance line. He did felt jealous for a bit. Amazing vocals, amazing visual, amazing dance skills. Something he had been trying to achieve but who is he kidding?

He knew.

He ing knew that fans had said the way he danced was quite awkward. Especially when he danced to Playboy next to Sehun in Manila and he cringed after watching the fancams. Even his face was weird whenever he sings. He tried to improve himself, and thankfully fans noticed his expression is getting better. Even though just a little bit.

No one can explain the greed in him. The greed to do better. The greed to be remembered by his talent. Years later, he wants his talent to be recognized. Although…he did know, his vocal and dancing skill was lacking despite the 7 years of training.

When he got the opportunity to be in the movie Glory Day, he was ecstatic. He couldn’t sleep thinking that this opportunity, he must give his best to prove to everyone that he not only has leadership skills, but he also have talent in other things in the entertainment industry.

And when he was told that his part in the movie was quite short and just a few scenes, he doesn’t care because at least this was a start. He should begin somewhere right? He kept on practicing day and night, with the help of Sehun and encouragements from the members and he felt thankful for that.

One thing everyone should know is that, Suho doesn’t break easily. Not once since debut he cried to s because of problems he had to face with the company; mostly problems that leader had to worry. This was because he was used to pour his problems out to Kris but ever since the latter left, he couldn’t share the burden with anyone..

The members had many things to worry about and looking at their tired face, how can Suho put more weight on their burden? He thought that maybe it was enough for him to hold the burden to himself. He sometimes did tell Minseok about his worries but he felt like he shouldn’t show the troubling side of him to the other members.

It’s not that he doesn’t wants to appear weak in front of the members, it’s just that if a leader shows how troubled his mind is, the youngsters would reluctant to go to him for any problems; afraid in adding more problems to the leader.

So he does his best to not show his worries to their members. It was fine though. He was used to it. People don’t break easily. Until recently…….

The day Chen got back from Radio Star. Everyone had asked Chen how it went.

“Was it fun?”

“Did he say something mean about us?”

“You didn’t get attacked right?”

 The members knew Kim Gura is a ruthless person and it is his job to ask those sensitive questions that other MCs won’t dare to ask. Suho had hope Chen didn’t get any harsh comments from Kim Gura. Even so, he was sure if Chen did get some harsh comments, it will not get to Chen easily.

However, when all the members asked Chen about Kim Gura, Suho noticed that Chen kept on glancing at him every now and then. Not only that, the way he explained his experience on the show was kind of brief and timid. He could only shrugged it off and wait for the broadcast of the episode.

It was his idea later on to gather everyone and watch the show together. “To strengthen their bond and spend quality time with each other” he had said. So, all nine of them sat in front of the tv to watch the episode. Chen kept on insisting that it was unnecessary to watch it together, giving the reason that everyone was tired, even Lay was dozing off at the couch. But Minseok had said otherwise and no one could argue with the eldest hyung. Still, it’s a wonder why Chen was fidgeting a lot and not to mention the frowning boy kept holding and his hand as if he was trying to comfort Suho.

After a few minutes into the episode, he got his answer.

It is said that they originally invited Suho, but Kim Gura had insist Suho is a boring person.

Ouch........

 It would be a lie if he didn’t feel a slight ache in his heart. It wasn’t the first time too that people had called him a boring person. That’s one of the reason as to why he did the Vapp ‘The Funniest Member’

It didn’t bother Suho that much until they read the CD counts sold in China. Chen, who was sitting beside him shifted a little and Suho knew it’s because Chen felt uneasy and somehow, Suho had an idea it must be related to him. After all, the manager had once said that he had the lowest CD sales.

The MCs revealed that Suho did possessed the lowest CD sales and that was with a total of 400 CDs sold in China. Everyone’s eyes went wide because they didn’t expect the sales to be that low. 400 over 1 million? His grip on the coffee cup suddenly became tighter.

“Suho has no popularity!”

Those words sting like a thousand knives had passed through him. What added the salt to his wound was that all the members looked at him with that look. That look of pity. He didn’t deserve it. Why is everyone feeling pity for him?! His heart ached and he was starting to believe that maybe he really was wasn’t enough.

“I want to take care of Suho hyung.” Chen had said in the interview, catching everyone’s attention once again to the TV and Suho thought Chen was trying to turn the atmosphere there.

“So the 1200 CD count is going to take care of 400 CD count?”

“SUHO should take care of himself” Kim Gura had deadpan.

No words can describe the fire, the pain inside his heart. But most of all, the disappointment he felt towards himself. He was the leader and yet, he was the last reason for EXO to be famous, he thought. Everyone was silent as they don’t know what to say. They knew how Suho was, they knew every single word that came out from anyone’s mouth about his well being as an idol, and the leader will take it to heart.

Suho could hear the crack in his heart and the tears that were threatening to fall but no, he doesn’t break easily, or at least he thought so. All eyes on him as he stood up and went to his room after smiling, assured the members that this small thing won’t affect him easily.

To summarize up he had a really sleepless night. Maybe not the worst but it was almost as bad. The voice in his head kept telling that this is just another difficulty that he had to take in hand. So he did what he had to do as a punishment for hi