Hey.

I just wanted to say that I hate myself. I hate myself for doing those things to you. I hate myself because none of this would've happened if I wasn't such a jerk five years ago. I hate myself because I was too late to realize all this. I hate myself because all I ever did was ruin your life.

Now I can't even be by your side anymore. I was with that faker all this time when I could've been with you. But it's not her fault at all. I let you slip away from me, and instead, I chose to stay miserable with her while I have a pathetic fake smile on my face because I thought it would make me normal, but you know what, Jimin? I realized you were the only normal thing in my life.

Everything would've been different if I just stopped being a coward.I chose not to go to you or even show my face to you all these years because I was scared. I was scared of not being able to stay true to my own filthy words and make a fool out of myself, but guess what? I'm already a fool. I've always been a hopeless fool. I was just refusing to admit it. And maybe I was scared with the thought of you hating me, but that's the least of my problems because I know you don't have the heart to. What I was afraid of the most was myself. I just wouldn't be able to handle it if I came to see you, and so I never did, and it was all because of my stupid ego. 

So yeah, everything is my fault. 

Don't you find it ironic? I kicked you out of my life, and now here I am knocking on you and your wife's front door. You were right, I've turned into an , and a very stupid one at that. I'm too late, and there's nothing I can do about it. Maybe we could have fixed us earlier. Or if that incident never even happened, we could've been together in a small house just like yours, cuddling in the sofa while binge-watching all 3 seasons of Kuroko no Basuke with a bowl of choco cereal on our hands. You're right, we were perfect. But now we're pointless.

How I wish there's still the two of us. How I wish to go back to those days when we were young and reckless and passionate but that's what they all are now. Memories left in the past which I still hold on to.

Now there's just me. I'm alone and cold and I made myself like this. You didn't deserve all the pain I made you go through. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Jimin. 

I don't blame you for not showing yourself to me because that was exactly what I told you to do. But I was wrong. I thought not seeing you would make me forget all about us, but it only made my heart long for you even more. I guess the old saying is true: Absence makes the heart grow fonder. You know why? Because there was never a day you didn't cross my mind. I always wondered what you were up to. If you've been crying over some lame thing, or if you were taking too much time in the shower, or if you let the cat chew on your boxers again, or if you forgot to set up your alarm for the nth time.

Then I remember: I don't have a say in whatever the hell you do anymore because you were no longer mine, and it's all because of me, and I was with a girl I never truly loved. She made me feel a lot of things, but nothing made me feel like you do. Whenever I talk with her, I hear your sweet little voice. When I kiss her, all I could taste was your lips. When she hugs me, chills run through my body as I remember your touch. But did I listen to myself? To my heart? I didn't. I regret not doing so, because if I did, we would have had another chance. Instead, I hurt you and at the same time I hurt her. I deserve this kind of ending to such a bad life. I won't even whine about how unfair all of this is, because it's only fair that I don't get the happy ending in the story. But I want to thank you. Thank you because you made it worthwhile.

Even if I wasn't deeply aware, you - or rather - the memories we shared together were the only thing that kept me going, because you are all that I am. You left a part of yourself in me which couldn't be erased no matter how hard I tried. Your stubbornness brushed off on me, you know. I clung to the past like a baby, like you did once. Heck, maybe even more than you did.

How the tables have turned. Look at you! You're no longer a baby; you're the father to a baby. I'm proud of you. But, to think that you named him after me. Very original, Jimin. Not to assume but, I'm pretty darn certain I am the only Jungkook in your life. 

Well, was.

It's cheesy, but knowing how lame you are, it seems just like something you'd do. Anyways, I really appreciate it. I hope he doesn't grow up as a complete failure like me, though.

Alright. I have a thought that's been bugging me to no end. All this time I believed I was running away from you, when in fact, I always end up walking just an inch closer to you. Funny, eh? But now that I'm finally here, things can't just go back to the way they were before. Life sure is cruel to us. 

But, you can't deny that we've been cruel ourselves, right? So I guess life finally got even with us.

You were the best mistake in my life, Park Jimin. I hope I was yours too.

Never lose that smile of yours.

Jeon Jungkook

------

I have no idea what this was lmao. I was casually listening to Jungkook's cover of nothing like us and this thing suddenly popped up in my mind.

AND THEN there was this perfect jikook fmv I came across with that inspired me even more. so I just quickly typed this piece of idk.

If I miraculously become productive, I might make this into a longer, proper story one day. ;)

Thank you for clicking and reading this! It means a lot to me. ❤

------

The beautiful FMV by yeon_shii on YouTube that I based this oneshot on: