☾  

"Ngh, baby." 

Namjoon groaned, his body collapsing on top of his lovers.  

The room was filled with their pants—but mainly Namjoon's. Hoseok was mainly coping with Namjoon on top of him, after all the younger was much more toned and heavier than Hoseok, but he was wiling to take the weight.  

Their bodies practically melted together. Skin on fire and sweat dripping just for the sake of it. Namjoon had gotten worked up after a day at work, and Hoseok was willing to help him relieve it—he guesses.  

Hoseok doesn't really know if this is for him anymore. The seems like a stress release for Namjoon, or whenever he decides its time. Hoseok can't remember the last time his drive has been high, and that worries him. Shouldn't he be wanting this too? Shouldn't his heart practically ache at being connected so deeply with his lover? But it's not.  

Intimacy, is this what Yoongi was talking about?  

After the two had cleaned up, Hoseok was now snuggled up in bed wearing one of Namjoon's tees, he watched over his boyfriend who was sat up next to him, tapping away on his Macbook. When Hoseok asked what it was, Namjoon's reply was an email to work.  

"Baby," Namjoon called suddenly, leaving Hoseok to hum. Suddenly Namjoon turned to face him, and Hoseok couldn't help but shift slightly. "How are you coping?" 

How are you coping? Hoseok knew exactly what that meant. It meant how are you dealing with things since Yoongi left.

Hoseok gnawed on the inside of his cheek, something he's picked up recently. He twiddled his thumbs underneath the covers, shifting again before batting his eyelashes at his boyfriend. "I'm fine," he croaked. He wanted to hit himself, how on earth was he meant to reassure Namjoon with such a ty response? 

"If you're having a bad day, you can always tell me you know?" 

"I—I know, but I'm coping," I'm not. "Really, trust me," don't trust me, I'm lying.  

Namjoon smiled, a firm hand coming to place on Hoseok's covered thigh, even so, the brunette still jumped slightly. He could see the slight disappointment on Namjoon's face, but really he had no leg to stand on, Hoseok had every reason to be cautious around him. 

"We should probably get ready," Namjoon yawned as he looked up to the Roman wall clock.  

The two had a meal to go to. It was nothing serious though, just a get together meal with all of their friends—the first time they've all actually got together since Yoongi left. 

It's been two months already, and Hoseok has calmed down tremendously. The first month was the hardest. He wouldn't eat, sleep or speak to anyone. Not even Namjoon's loving words could bring him round. He would spend time in his cold, hollow apartment than at Namjoons. He wouldn't be around friends and the only time he left his house was to go to work.  

Hoseok hasn't really spoken to Yoongi either, they've talked on the phone a couple of times but that was it. It wasn't over anything serious, just small talk to pass the time. Really they would be on the phone for 20 minutes of silence, small mutters here and there. They just wanted to hear each others voice, to know the other was doing okay. 

It was stupid, of course they weren't doing okay, they weren't together. Hoseok couldn't say anything though, it was too late and the damage had already been done. Essentially, Hoseok had picked Namjoon over Yoongi, and that weighs on his chest to haunt him everyday.  

"Hobie, you ready?" Namjoon called from the front door, still attempting to fix his collar. 

Hoseok hummed, coming out of the bedroom and Namjoon's chest clenched. God he looked so cute but the outfit was so basic – how was that possible? He was wearing a white tee tucked into a pair of black jeans, a strong sturdy belt too.  

Namjoon was a little taken aback, almost nervous as Hoseok approached him and the sweet melon scent hit his nose. He felt like a school boy again, one experiencing his first crush – how embarrassing.  

Hoseok smiled once he saw how much of a state Namjoon's collar was in. "Really, can you do anything without me?" He smiled, fingers working away at the material.  

"You sure you're ready for this?" Namjoon asked, his eyes scanning over the smaller male erratically.  

"I'll be fine," Hoseok spoke with a pat to Namjoon's chest. "How many times do I have to tell you that? Have a little faith in me, sweetie," Hoseok reached up to peck at Namjoon's cheek, smiling before pulling on the front door.  

☼ 

Hoseok has to admit he was nervous, it was only natural.  

Walking in to the Italian restaurant sent his heart racing, his head was pounding and screaming at him to turn around. Just run out now you idiot, nobody will even notice!  

But by the time all of this was thought, he was stood in front of his friends, clutching at the back of Namjoon's sleeve. It was like the first time he met them, he was so shy and timid and honestly it confused them all. 

But this was because of Seokjin.  

"Ah, you're here!" Jimin sang, clapping and gesturing for the two to sit down.  

Namjoon nodded lightly, pulling out a chair next to Seokjin, leaving Hoseok right next to his lover, but having Seokjin opposite him around the circular table.  

It was quiet at first, Hoseok just staring down to the small tears in his jeans. This was before Jimin gave him a light nudge, paired with a soft smile. "Ease up, okay?" He whispered over the chatter of Seokjin and Namjoon.  

Hoseok nodded shakily, his feet tapping away against the tiles.  

"Hoseok," his name was called, making him pan around the circled table until his eyes landed on no other but Seokjin. .  

"Yuh—yes?"  

"Can I have a word?"  

Oh , , !  

Everyone was silent, just staring at the two. The atmosphere was sour and it was clear that Seokjin had an issue with Hoseok, he always has done.  

Hoseok simply nodded, his head hanging low as he followed Seokjin to the bar area.  

Seokjin sighed, his head cocking so strands of brunette hair fell over his eyes. Hoseok has always thought Seokjin was handsome—in fact everyone has. Even the smallest movements he makes always comes off so cool and charming.  

"D'you have the keys for Yoongi's garage?" 

"Wuh—what?" He asked breathlessly. 

"The keys, he has some in there he needs back at home or something. D'you have them?" 

Hoseok was quiet, his lip quivering but he restrained himself. He was not going to cry, not here and especially not now.  

"Why?" He gasped, knowing full well why because Seokjin had just explained it to him. 

"Like I said, he needs some stuff in there--"  

"Why can't he just ask me?"  

Seokjin was slightly taken back by this, a little chuckle falling from his lips. "Hoseok, you know he wouldn't do that. Can I just have the keys?--" 

"You know I never wanted this to happen." 

Seokjin sighed, "Right, well it's been two months and you've barely contacted him." 

"Because he needs the space, he—he told me not to contact him." 

"When has what Yoongi wanted actually stopped you?"  

It was harsh, but it was true. And Hoseok hated hearing it, knowing that everyone else thought that about him too.  

"Is—is he doing well?" Hoseok asked, choosing to ignore the sharp comment. 

"He's doing better." It wasn't exactly what Hoseok asked, but it was something. 

"I just...I just want whats best for him," Hoseok muttered under his breath. 

"I know you do, Hoseok. I would never doubt that."  

It was a surprise for Hoseok, that he and Seokjin were finding some type of middle ground. He gave in, huffing quietly as he pulled out his keys, jiggling them around before freeing the garage one and handing it to Seokjin. 

"Thanks," he shoved the key in to his denim pocket. "I guess we should get back, Namjoon will be worried where you've got up to."  

☼ 

Later on that night Hoseok was alone in Namjoon's apartment, Namjoon was off at work and a part of Hoseok was glad he finally got to spend time alone.  

But it only made things worse. He found himself tapping away frustratingly at the egde of his Macbook, the image of he and Seokjin talking at the bar playing through his mind, and his eyes glued to the Skype logo.  

All he had to was scroll over to Yoongi's name, just a light tap and he would actually have a chance of speaking to Yoongi. 

"This is stupid," Hoseok huffed, falling back against the pillows to stare at the ceiling. Something about calling Yoongi in Namjoon's apartment felt like cheating, but really what else could Namjoon be pissed at him about? 

it. Hoseok shot up, his finger slamming down over Yoons as he watched the dreaded gimmicky connection, his ears having to put up with that horrible bubbling sound Skype loves to make.  

There's no way, what if he doesn't even pick up? . Hoseok didn't even think that far ahead, he was just thinking of himself – as usual.  

But just as he reached out desperately to cancel the call, it actually connected.  

Oh my god, Hoseok was vieiwing Yoongi right in front of him. He looked so calm, as if he was expecting it. He was sat in a black computer chair, and Hoseok knew from the old BigBang posters in the back that Yoongi was in his room. Really, it looks exactly the same from how Hoseok remembers it.  

Damn it, Hoseok was too busy actually observing Yoongi's room that he didn't realise he was gauping like an idiot.  

"Huh—hey," Hoseok coughed, his fingers already twiddling out of view from the camera. 

"Hi, what's up?" Yoongi cocked his head and , he looked so cute. He looked well.  

"Nothing, I er. I just wanted to see how you were doing," Hoseok's voice was shaking terribly, and there was no way he could hide such an embarrassment from Yoongi. But Yoongi didn't laugh, or chuckle or anything, he understood this was hard and tried his best to make this easier for Hoseok.  

Even after everything, he's always looking out for him. 

"Good, although kind of weirded out about being in my high school room again." Yoongi smiled, glancing around his room before his eyes glued on to something Hoseok couldn't see. 

He wanted to ask what it was, but it was pretty obvious from the sheer horror on Yoongi's face. 

"Yoongi, I--" 

"It's fine. They changed the bed apparently," Yoongi's eyes shifted back to Hoseok. "Do you think they knew?" He laughed, but it was far from funny to the two of them.  

Then silence filled the call again, the only sound was a faint shout from Yoongi's brother, to which Yoongi hummed back saying he'd be a few minutes. 

"How are things with you? Everything with Namjoon good?"  

Hoseok nodded, "We've been getting along well. He's been—he's been treating me well, Yoongi."  

"I'm glad, it's good to see you happy."  

Happy, is that what you think this is?  

"Yeah, you too. So...Seokjin asked for the garage key."  

"Ah yeah, I kind of need some more stuff you see. You gave it to him right?" 

"Mhm," he hummed, "Didn't really have a choice," his voice was quiet, almost like a mutter as he really didn't need Yoongi to know that he was slightly jealous.  

"Well, thanks."  

"It's fine." 

More silence. They just stared at each other, it was almost like a conversation through the eyes. There was so, so much they wanted to say to each other. But once they start it won't stop, it will just become a whole mess of words that the two will soon regret.  

So the only way to cope with it is to stay quiet.  

"Yoongi--" 

"Seok, I've got to go. Hyung's calling me, see you soon, yeah?"  

Hoseok's eyes became hooded, a faint frown on his lips in the process. He gave what Yoongi believed to be a nod, his fingers already hovering over the End Call button. "Yeah, see you soon."  

Yet again, Hoseok was alone.  

Hours later, Namjoon came home. Practically a walking zombie as he threw off each piece of clothing on his way to the bedroom, ending up in just his boxers by the time he saw a resting Hoseok's body. He smiled at the sight, at how timid and cute his boyfriend can be at the best of times.   

"Hobie, baby are you up?" Namjoon spoke softly, shifting in to bed and letting his body melt against his lovers.  

Hoseok hummed, but it was slurred and almost dripped like honey. He loved the warmth that Namjoon provided him, and couldn't help but moan as he felt Namjoon's arm wrap around his petite waist.  

"Sorry, did I wake you?" Namjoon nuzzled in to the back of Hoseok's neck, his eyes fluttering from the coconut shampoo hitting his nose in gentle waves.  

Namjoon noticed how slow Hoseok's movements were, how every reponse was a hum as if he was afraid to talk. Namjoon reached over to his bedside table for his phone, lazily throwing his weight around without even looking, he just wanted to stay glued to Hoseok's side. 

But his hand knocked something else instead, something that had a familiar feeling. It was plastic, and the sound was almost like a rattle. 

Now Namjoon was intrigued. With an eyebrow raised, he brought the peculiar object up to his face, squinting slightly from the overpowering darkness. But he knew exactly what it was, it was sleeping pills, and the cap was ing off.  

Now he knew that Hoseok wasn't afraid to talk, he was just too ing doped up to. 

Namjoon shot up, switching on the lamp and staring over Hoseok's body.  

Hoseok groaned, turning on to his side slowly with his eyes still tightly shut.  

"Hoseok, wake up now," Namjoon's voice was stern, but he tried his best not to freak out. 

"Mm, yeah baby?" Hoseok slurred. He was even smiling, smiling over what?! 

"Baby, did you take these?" Namjoon sat beside the brunette, his hand tightly holding the bottle over Hoseok's eyes. Eventually Hoseok's eyes peeled open, the sting from the orange glowed room was only bearable.  

"Think so." 

"Okay, okay. How many, honey?"  

Hoseok thought for a moment, his eyelashes batting painfully slow for Namjoon. Finally Hoseok raised his hand, five fingers pointed and slowly counting down until he reached three.  

"Three, you took three?"  

Hoseok nodded, "Not too bad, kind of like it." 

. The sleeping pills are Namjoon's, and he only ever uses them after a stressful week at work. It's his prescription and Hoseok shouldn't even be touching them.  

", idiot," Namjoon hissed under his breath. "Why?"  

"Cause...I ruined everything. I was the one who messed up, I just...couldn't cope with it anymore." 

"Baby, you can't take my medication. Do you understand that? I know things are tough, but turning to sleeping pills to get through the day is not the answer, trust me."  

Hoseok remained quiet, his lips slapping together slowly as his throat was painfully dry.  

"Just wanna sleep," he mumbled, turning on to his side. "Wanna forget this whole day, wanna forget him." 

"Forget him? Baby, he's been gone for two months."  

"Please don't remind me. He's gone, he's walked out of my life. I love him and I let him just leave me like that." 

Wait, what? Did Namjoon just hear that correctly? Hoseok just said he--he loved Yoongi. Now Namjoon was still, almsost as if he'd seen a ghost. His body refused to move. He wasn't even angry, it was obvious from the start but Hoseok was just too damn naïve to see it.  

But , the first time Hoseok admits this is in front of his boyfriend. Could this really be any more messed up?  

To hear your boyfriend say he loves another man, it should be the end right? But Namjoon couldn't bring himself to scream at Hoseok, he couldn't bring himself to hit him again and tell him to never ing say that . Because he's known all along.  

He was always so bitter and jealous when it was the three of them. He could see it in Hoseoks' eyes, he looks at Yoongi like the world is right in front of him. Like he doesn't need anything else because Yoongi gives him everything he could ever need. 

Yoongi is his oxygen, his food and his water. It's everything Hoseok needs to survive.  

But that doesn't mean Hoseok doesn't love Namjoon—and Namjoon knows that. He knows Hoseok adores him an insane amount, and Namjoon was the one who saved him on that ty night.  

When Hoseok was abandoned and ed over by another dickhead, he was far too embarrassed to admit to Yoongi that he was right. So he found himself at Namjoon's, and Namjoon was the one who cleaned him up, he cuddled him that night and told him everything was going to be alright. But honestly, Namjoon had no ing clue how everything was going to be alright.  

False hope was the only kind of hope he could offer Hoseok at that moment.  

But now here he was, years later and witnessing his lover confessing his love about someone else—and Namjoon felt no little bit of anger towards him.  

Instead he forced a smile, even if Hoseok had his back towards him. He placed a hand on the small of his back, soothing with loving circles as he gently shushed Hoseok.  

"Namjoon," Hoseok called, his neck straining as he attempted to turn to look at the male. He placed his own hand over Namjoons, and Namjoon's heart shattered at his delicate and petite Hoseok's was against his own. "Won't you hold me?"  

Namjoon felt like the wind had been knocked out of him, he was like a nervous school boy as he nodded vigorously, turning off the night lamp before shuffling back down beside Hoseok. He returned to the same position and Hoseok hummed against the welcoming touch.  

"Good night, Joonie. I love you."  

"Yeah...good night, baby. I love you too."  

"And thank you, for saving me." 

Namjoon cocked his head at this, but Hoseok was already dozing off. Instead Namjoon chuckled, kising the top of Hoseok's head as he whispered, "Pretty sure it's the other way around, baby."   

☾