Why couldn't you have waited for me? I wasn't ready yet. I didn't want to tell you either. You were moving so quick, I couldn't keep up. Everyday, every night, I spent my time thinking about you, thinking about the day I would ask you to be mine..but you moved on. You were already in the arms of another man, his lips pressed to yours. All I could do was watch in misery as the man I secretly fell in love with, be in love with someone else. Heh, everyone knew what you were to me, not because I complained about you as you thought, but because you were always in my happiest of thoughts and incomplete sentences. Remember that day in the summer before our debut album was released? You said you felt like the album wasn’t good enough because your voice wasn’t impactful. I laughed at your silly thought. I hugged you in comfort. I didn't want to let go because I knew it was the last time before a long time for when I would be able to hold you like that again. I had to let go before I misled you and gave you hints of my true feelings for you. When I saw you hugging and smiling at the others, I was afraid of leaving you alone with them. Yes, they were your friends too, but there was something residing inside of me that just wanted you for myself. You saw the awkwardness that filled my eyes when I saw you with them. You asked me if I was alright, I said I was alright and left. I wish I didn’t.

Remember when you wanted to eat out on January 13th on our first year of debut? You said that because our birthdays were so close to each other, we should make the 13th just a day for us, not to worry about work activities, practicing, or anything. It was a day just for us. I agreed to go out with you, wherever you wanted as an early birthday present. You shook your head and called me stupid, because I didn’t get it to my head that it was a day for me as well. It was a belated birthday present for me, but you insisted it would be better if you were the last person I would spend my birthday with, and I would be the first. When you asked me to go out to eat, I was expecting a simple place, like a chicken restaurant, knowing how much you love chicken. Or a pet cafe, knowing that you love dogs. You picked the most ridiculously expensive place in Seoul. I swear I was gonna have to wash dishes after I saw the bill, but then you took out your card and I sat back in amazement. When did you have that? More importantly, when did you have so much money? I know you weren’t from a wealthy family, neither of us were. Then you said  that it was a birthday present from your parents, it was a gift for the both of us. I wanted to cry, I honestly did. I felt like I should’ve been the one with a ridiculous amount of money to spend on you. You payed and I was left feeling worthless. I knew I had to pay it back for you in some way, but I didn’t know how. I wish you could’ve just told me.

Our schedules were always packed and I hardly ever had time to talk to you without having the other members around. Especially Chanyeol and Baekhyun. Baekhyun sure loved getting my attention, but my attention was always on you. Why wasn’t yours’ on me? Your attention was always somewhere else, I swear you could’ve been related to the beagle line and lay-hyung. You were always tired after our schedules, and I was always there, ready to serve you in any need, but you only shooed me away. I didn’t know whether to take it as a joke, or seriously. I should’ve known. That was my mistake, and I can’t help but just blame you.

Everyday. every moment, every second that I spent with you, I thought that we would never separate. I thought that you and I would always be together. But as time went on, you and I slowly grew apart. You spent more time with others, and I started working out of EXO. I was focusing more on my growing acting career, and you continued working on your dancing skills, which I honestly don’t think you needed more work on. You were always on point, literally. Whenever I was out of the dorms, I would always watch videos where you appeared. Then I came across a video you were in with Taemin, and I stopped watching. I continued working on my lines. You would always text me and ask how I was doing. If I was eating well, sleeping well, working hard for the both of us. I could’ve answered you back. I wanted to tell you in person to not worry so much about me. I wanted to ask you the same questions, but I couldn’t find it in myself to do so. I wanted to cry whenever I saw your name light up on my phone’s screen. You thought you were bothering me, annoying me, and in a way you were, but I would never tell you. When you say that I shouldn't worry about you, it makes me worry even more because I know you're fragile. I know how much you work yourself to the point where you have a hard time catching your breath. I don't go a day without thinking about you and your well being, you constantly get sick and I'm afraid that one day your body will just shut down all of a sudden and I would have no word from you. I don't know what I'd do if I find out that something horrible happened to you, a physical injury you can heal from, but an internal injury or life threatening disease, you must overcome it. If you die without my consent, I don't know what I'd do, my body will just freeze in place and my thoughts will stop running, it will be as if I died along with you. Honestly, that doesn’t sound like a bad way to go.

I am bad at displaying my thoughts and feelings but I'm just a guy, it's in my nature to look tough. If there was anyway to show you how I really care about you and how much I love you, I would show it with all my might but I just can't think of a way. When you talked about other groups, other members, I would get jealous but I would never tell you, because I would think that it would change your perception of me, and sometimes it did. You wouldn't say it in words but I can see judgement in your eyes, your disappointed eyes. I always wanted to be your center of attention, your only one, just like you are mine. I don't like seeing you smile at other boys or girls and praise them because they are much better in anything and everything, I would lack confidence whenever I’m with you, because of your expectations that I will never meet.

The reason why I lacked a number of girlfriends was not because of my low confidence or because I was reserving myself, I found someone I would like to spend all of my time with but he only saw me as his hyung. You were now unapproachable, you were looking at others the way you looked at me and would occasionally perform aegyo for others when I couldn’t give you what you wanted. That one day when all of us went out in the summer, that's when I witnessed love at first sight. You stopped and stood beside me, your puppy eyes set on him, a tall, thin man-who looked to be a college student, the sunlight that was coming in from a nearby window reflected off his shaggy dark brown hair, his bright smile as he was attending some customers from the counter. He then looked around and we met his eyes. He smiled. The look in your eyes showed that you were mesmerized, and started walking inside the cafe and I followed you.

`"What can I get for you?" He smiled at you and then me. You opened your mouth and quickly looked around the menu behind him and ordered a drink; he quickly punched the screen infront of him and you paid him. He pulled out a receipt. and as he was handing it to you, he took it back, flipped it and wrote something on the back and then handed it to you. "Sorry, this isn't what I naturally do, my brain just did that for me. However, I wouldn't mind if you do call or text me. What's your name?" He asked. I thought he was being ridiculous, of course everyone knows EXO’s Kai when they see him. You sweetly reported “Jongin” and he repeated it, He told you that your order will be ready in a bit. This was a quick pick up, and you walked slowly, reading the number over and over. I felt a bit lonely, ignored, invisible as your eyes were glued to the small piece of paper. I watched the boy at the counter, thinking, wondering why you were smiling at a number that belonged to that guy. You already have plenty of numbers, why do you want his? What were you thinking?

After that meeting, you kept yourself busy. You practiced like there was no end and continued tapping away on your phone. Were you texting him? What was his name? I can’t remember..it’ll come to me. It should since you’re- yeah.. But you even stopped talking to Taemin. Really? I thought he was your best friend or something. I thought best friends were never supposed to separate for any reason. Was that guy really your main? Was he all you thought about? Was he the one you thought about whenever we sang ‘First Love’? You just weren’t the same anymore after that day. Why? Why did you change? My stomach is turning just thinking of every time I saw you two together. Are you happy now?

I brought Taemin up, I thought I should talk about how he felt. He thought that it was normal to experience this. What he didn’t think was the longevity from not hearing about Kim Jongin. I never thought that I would find myself comforting someone else who was going through a similar situation as me. I did my best to comfort our friend. In fact, I think I comforted him too much. He started following me, talking to me more. I didn’t mind talking to him, he has similar interests as I do and he’s really funny, but he was not you. That was the only difference. It was difficult, being with him. Because you two were inseparable, in a way, he reminded me of you. We helped each other when the news hit us, and you can imagine how slow it was for us to forget about it and act like it was nothing. There’s a song playing right now. It describes how I feel now, it’s perfect. It’s a good song, but it’s also sad. Do you wanna hear it? It’s called My Immortal by Evanescence. Taemin likes the song, it helps him sleep at night. I wonder why. He must feel the same. He’s a good kid. I like him. Thinking about him now, I want to protect him. We may be the same age, but, because he’s also like a child, I want to keep him safe.  He’s..just right. I can’t believe we just happened to be under that situation. Thank you for that.

I can still remember the smile on your face when we last saw each other. It’s been years since I last saw you and to see you in front of my door, smiling and giggling, it brought warmth to my heart and butterflies to my stomach. I wanted to hug you and cry on your shoulders, yelling “why haven’t you called me? Why did you wait so long to see me?”. You looked so well and healthy, I was happy. I told you to come in and walked you to my small living room. The furniture was Taemin’s doing, I have no sense of style when it comes to home decor. For a second I thought that I would expecting good/bad news about you and what’s-his-face..and that’s what I got. Good news on your end, bad news on my end. The doorbell rang and I was afraid of who it would be. You got up and answered the door, and he came in. I never wanted to scream so loudly in my life. I never thought that I would want to yell “get out” to anyone. And I never did. I looked at him and flashed him an awkward smile. When I saw him wrap his arm around you, and asked if I was given the invitation, my eyes were blinded by memories you and I shared. The laughs, the rough play fights, the awkward dance moves you were teaching me, when I first bought you a meal. I started wondering if they were real, or I just made them up. Everything around me was crashing down. I couldn’t help but keep my real feelings bottled inside, I couldn’t help but continuously say “congratulations” when I really wanted to drop to my knees, cry and beg you to not marry that man. He’s not the one for you. I smiled and called Taemin out, wondering how he would feel about the news. But, you were shocked, You said, “what’s he doing here?” And I found it easy to say, “we’re living together.” Technically, we’re not, but he often crashes at my apartment and I can’t help but let him stay. You’re fine with that, no? Of course you are.

There’s not much time left before Taemin wakes up, so I’ll be finishing up soon. My intention of this letter, is not to make you feel guilt over your marriage, you have every right to be happy. But it’s to make our relationship clear. Yes, I was in love with you. I was, and I still am, not as much as I used to, but still enough. I hope you come to realize that, because you will be a married man, you should not abandon those who were close to you before him. You shouldn’t forget the band members, you shouldn’t forget Taemin, you shouldn’t forget about the memories you’ve shared with them. You shouldn’t forget who your friends are. If for any reason, you feel dissatisfied in your relationship, please seek us out. Just don’t forget. I wish the best of happiness now and in future years for you and him. Please smile one more time for me, just for me. You look beautiful when you smile like that, always have, and always will.

Yours,

Do Kyungsoo