Souls soar high above reach,
Hands extend but never touch,
Words exchanged in dulcet tones,
Tis a fated moment to understand one's truth,
Time to let go.- Truth Devour, Wantin
Sungjong's head was pounding. Ever since he had left Myungsoo, he had been a mess. He couldn't feel anything but regret. He felt numb, lifeless, with only a burning regret for what he did. He hated that he was so selfish. He hated that he was so disgusting, so idiotic, and cowardly.
He spent nights trying to drink away his pain. But Myungsoo's smile would appear in his head and he'd down another shot. He'd hear Myungsoo's laugh and would order a glass of soju to drown it out. He'd see a man in the crowd who would look like Myungsoo, and then he'd need a strangers fingers skimming his body and kissing him as he tried to block the memory of Myungsoo's lips against him.
He wished he had never written the note. He wished he'd confronted Myungsoo, asked him for some space, some time. Myungsoo would have been understanding, he always was. Myungsoo would have let him go, and waited patiently for Sungjong to return.
What was that phrase Myungsoo used to quote?
Even before you touched me, I belonged to you; all you had to do was look at me. It was a quote from a man named Louis Glück, and Myungsoo had loved it.
He hadn't realized it in the past, but Myungsoo had been talking about himself. He had been the most selfless person, giving Sungjong everything and leaving himself nothing. He'd expected nothing from Sungjong, but Sungjong had hurt him anyways. Sungjong was a horrible person. A disgusting and terrible person.
He was walking over a bridge, heading back to Jokwon's, his head spinning and his heart hurting, when a person caught his eye.
The person was turned away from him, their eyes on the river below them. But there was something about them... The set of their shoulders, maybe. The messy hair. The dark blue coat...
Sungjong felt his heart stop and suddenly it was hard to breath. As he stepped towards the person the earth seemed to spin faster around him while time seemed to stop. The two feelings contradicted each other but everything seemed both wrong and right. He was scared but he wasn't. He touched the man's shoulder. The man turned and suddenly everything seemed to stop.
Wide eyes met wide eyes and lips parted. In front of Sungjong was the man he loved. The man that had loved him unconditionally and would have given the world for Sungjong.
For Myungsoo, it was as if he was dreaming. There was no way- it wasn't- it couldn't be. But it was. In front of him was the beautiful, broken man that he had loved his whole life.
"Myungsoo?" The silence was broken by Sungjong's hopeful whisper. Myungsoo swallowed.
"Sungjong." He said softly.
And there they were. Like two stars, crashing into each other once again and exploding, creating galaxies and stardust and becoming brilliant again. They were like supernovas, caving in on themselves and then exploding outwards and making black holes which drew them towards each other, and brought them together to be beautiful again.
Myungsoo's lips were still parted as he stared at Sungjong. Those eyes, they were still the most beautiful thing in the world to him. And they drew him in and once again he was lost in the man. Every bit of common sense just disappeared, and Myungsoo pulled Sungjong in and kissed his lips.
And in the end, there are some things people shouldn't talk about. Sungjong shouldn't talk about how he took the final step, the final plunge and how he trusted himself to Myungsoo in a way he never trusted anyone, for Myungsoo already knows what now lies at stake.
And Myungsoo shouldn't talk about everything he's given for Sungjong, because Sungjong already knows and is in pain for this. Myungsoo must let Sungjong learn to give back what he can without feeling as though he cannot repay Myungsoo, for Sungjong's love is all Myungsoo needs.
And sometimes you need to hold your smile. Keep your head high and not let yourself believe you are falling out of love with someone. No one is perfect, and love isn't easy. Myungsoo and Sungjong have tried so desperately to hold themselves together, just for this moment, so they can fall apart together. So that they can help each other pick up the pieces and heal each other.
And after Myungsoo pulls back from the kiss, he keeps tight grip on Sungjong's hands.
"Picture you are a ruler." He whispered. "At least of your own life. And even if your world crumbles, know that I will be your guardian and your pillar. I won't let you be hurt again." And suddenly, Sungjong feels it wasn't as deep a plunge as he'd thought.
For you can never say never. You never know who you will love or how broken they will be. Time and patience heal you. Sungjong still needs time, and Myungsoo knows it. And Myungsoo must learn to love himself too, and not blindly follow as he has, and Sungjong will help him.
Together they are children again. Giggling underneath the oak tee and promising they'll be best friends forever. And they are teens, taking each other's hands and making sure the other knows they understand them. And they're young adults, as they are now, falling apart and then being pulled together by each other, and the most fragile of string. And they will bind each other, and keep each other safe. And Myungsoo pulls Sungjong in and Sungjong holds him tightly and Myungsoo whispers to him once again.
"Don't let me go." His voice is desperate. And Sungjong hears everything. His fear, his hope, his love, and there is only one reply.
"Never."
Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all- Alfred Lord Tennyson
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