Alecchi

II. OUR VERSE [CHAEYOUNG]

It had only been a few weeks since I saw Dahyun for the last time, and the truth was that submiting myself to that idea wasn't something I liked at all. Indeed, one could say I tortured myself enough for everything I hadn't said... for everything that I didn't dare to do. And now it was too late.

Lying on my bed, I stared at my doodling book, turning the pages and remembering when or why I had drawn such things. I was face up, with my back sinking into the soft mattress of my bed while holding the notebook with both hands.

I tossed a couple of pages containing no more than my frustrations in the form of funny monsters who fought between each other. Then I saw a picture of a tofu on a plate, with several bends on its sides, trying to give it movement; it was supposed to be shaking. I smiled to myself. There was nothing else written on that page, which was all blank except for those couple of lines. I drew that the day that I called Dahyun by her nickname for the first time. Dubu.

I kept glancing at the sheets forming the pile of dumb scribbles, until I found something I had never seen. I rejoined, sitting straight up in bed, and frowning.

Then, I read it aloud. "I know you've stricly forbbiden me to touch this notebook, but you went to the restroom and curiosity was killing me. Your drawings are cute." I stopped short, incredulous. I needed a moment before continuining. "Why don't you want to show them?"

It hit me hard.

It hit me straight in the face as the final punch of a boxer before leaving his opponent knocked out. I dropped myself again, with the bed on my back to protect me from the hard ground. I closed my eyes and stopped reading. That made me remember so many things that I couldn't bear it any longer.

I hated being so stupid as to not trust Dahyun enough. I hated that she had gone with that idea of me when, in fact, she knocked down all the walls I built around me. I sighed loudly, as if I wanted someone to hear me. And, biting my lower lip thoughtfully, I ended up throwing that stupid notebook away from me.

I hid under the pillow and I kicked a while, until I let the lull of my own anger, and the darkness that blinded me, end up tucking me to sleep.

Time was still getting through, and my days were still as boring as they were before that idiot with a more radiant smile than a mc's, came to my life. Although this time I couldn't say I was all by myself. The classmate with whom I had lunch every day, recovering the habit that I lost because of Dahyun, was nice enough to turn into something like a friend.

Moreover, Tzuyu was good at listening. She had her bad things... like she always made fun of me whenever she found a good occasion, or that her patience was certainly shorter than mine; but she helped me get out of that silly depression that took over me when Dahyun went to military service.

In addition, Jihyo seemed to have made a deal with her, since she passed by my class from time to time and asked me how I was doing. It was as if my sunbae had hired a private nanny. Although, in a way, that made me feel good... special. Yet, even if we weren't together, she was responsible for taking care of me, and had to resort to third parties.

However, it was as if people wanted to give me a reason to distrust; especially if it felt like they only approached me to get something in return.

A selfish and stupid thought that wouldn't have crossed my mind, if it hadn't been for the request of the girl sitting next to me in class. "Chaeyoung..."

That voice only meant one thing. Tzuyu didn't soften her attitude that much if it wasn't because she wanted something. I sighed, leaving my phone sideways, and paying attention like she wanted. "What do you want now?"

She laughed softly; it had been long enough as to know each other really well. "I want to go to the third year's graduation."

"Then, go." It was as simple as that.

"Yah! If I'm telling you this, it's because I want you to come with me! You're such an oblivious kid." I blinked several times. Was that her way of asking for a favor?

"Say the magical words."

"Please?"

I outlined a smirk, satisfied. "Nope. Thanks for the offer." I turned around and decided to go back to what I was doing; went through my kakao talk conversations without actually receiving any messages. Something completely entertaining.

However, I knew that my classmate wasn't going to give up so soon. She took the phone from my hands and forced me to pay attention. I tried to get my phone back, but she flatly refused until I stopped to listen. Frustrated because she was much taller than me, and I would have no way to reach her long arm, I resigned and urged her to tell me what she had to say.

"There's this sunbae I like... and I'm sure Dahyun will be there! It's her graduation too." I looked at her, askance, raising one of my eyebrows. That was impossible.

"She's on duty, Tzuyu."

"What is duty?" She asked, and then I realized she was still getting used to Korean. Easy words would be better for her. "Like, the soldier thing?" I nodded; at least she was a smart kid. "Oh."

"Do you understand now?"

She smacked me with her pencil on my forehead, erasing that permanent frowning I had between my eyebrows. "It's her graduation. Don't soldiers have this kind of breaks for special situations?"

Tzuyu might be right.

And, as if everyone was aware of my greatest weakness, I agreed to go with her to that stupid graduation, which wouldn't interest me at all if it wasn't my last chance to ever see Dahyun again after such a long time.

The days felt eternal until the day came, and I, for some strange reason, let out my nervousness, shining on the surface, unable to control myself after having gone through things much worse than a new meeting after more than a month.

Because it wasn't like I was counting every single day I missed her. Of course not. Nor that Dahyun was so important and I didn't have better things to do...

Anyways, the long awaited day came and I, as if I was unable to control that teen side every girl at my age has, I became a complete and total disaster. It was the first time I cared for what to wear almost as much as I did for the red lipstick that always decorated my plump lips.

Not only I wanted to look good... In a way, I also wanted her to think so.

I sighed in front of the mirror; what was I doing? I didn't even know if I would find her there. I changed my clothes again, because I thought I had chosen my best outfit for people I didn't care about. My usual sneakers, tight dark jeans and a white basic t-shirt, accompanied by my black leather jacket were more than enough.

My parents insisted on driving me there, but I declined their offer. Apparently, Tzuyu's were going to pick me up on their way. And unfortunately for me, just when they arrived, mine had to tell me goodbye outside.

The trip to the school was a bit awkward, since I wasn't going to explain my personal life to the tallest. Although Tzuyu seemed to understand perfectly, and strange as it seemed, she didn't ask me about it.

Perhaps Dahyun was right.

Perhaps I needed to open myself more to the world.

We arrived at the celebration, and everything was ready to welcome students who would graduate from high school and finally could go to college. I looked around me; I didn't really know anyone. Some classmates were there talking with family and friends, but that didn't mean I was related to them.

So I just clung to Tzuyu. And she delved into the sea of people gathered there until she found a good spot near the stage. We were talking, but nothing relevant; it was a crude way to make time until we got the cherry on top. We watched all the final year students getting into the stage, with those dark blue togas that characterized our school. This time, I paid attention.

I looked for the only reason I was there, and, much to my regret, the only familiar face that I saw, was her best friend's. A sigh accompanied my resigned frustration, and, for once, I became interested in the girl beside me. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't curious to know who she wanted to see up there.

The delivery of diplomas went by, and in a whisper, I asked. "Tzuyu-ah, who's the sunbae you wanted to see? He better be handsome enough to drag me here all the way, when it was obvious Dahyun wasn't going to be here."

"Shh, there she is." She? Oh. I sure was slow to not notice before. I saw the so-called Im Nayeon. It wasn't like I knew her, but she was a rather famous cheerleader in this school, that it was almost impossible not to know, at least, her name.

An amused grin showed on my face; Tzuyu really had high standards. "You know she has a boyfriend, right?"

"Well." She began, and I fear the worst. "Your girlfriend is in the army and you still have hope, right?"

"She's not my girlfriend..."

Her grin was even bigger than mine was a few seconds ago. "Still, I think I have it easier than you. This is what gives me hope." She sure was mean. Why was I even her friend? Such a good question... "This is my last chance, Chaeyoung."

"Have you ever talked to her?"

"Nope."

Her positiveness made me laugh, and so hard that my attempt of not being heard by others almost left me without oxygen. I looked at her, tears forming in my eyes, and she just smiled at me, perhaps without understanding very well why I found it so funny. I leaned against her shoulder and shook my head. I couldn't believe my classmate had just given me the biggest lesson of them all.

Once I calmed down, I pulled away and let a sigh stabilize my breath. I watched the entire ceremony from that moment, although I didn't know anyone. But in what could be considered a nanosecond, Jihyo found me in the crowd. She smiled at me, although I could noticed how confused she was because of my presence there. I greeted her back.

Everything went smoothly, while my friend was unable to approach the girl she had so much interested in. I encouraged her to go and talk to her, because, as she said, it could have always been worse. But just when it seemed that she had took her courage, a known voice interrupted us.

Jihyo complimented me, and then joked with something that shouldn't be mentioned. "Woah, it's the first time I see you this pretty. Did you think Dahyun would be here so you could see her?" I looked away, and she understood. She slowly rubbed my shoulder, trying to comfort me. "I see... Well, I still have something to discuss with you."

Tzuyu looked at us. Indirectly, the oldest had made her feel left out. Jihyo stared back at her, and I introduced them. "Zhou Tzuyu, Park Jihyo." They made a slight bow, and I left formalities behind. "So, unnie, first of all, I have a favor to ask."

"I'm all ears."

"This giant dongsaeng of yours has a crush on Im Nayeon. Do you know her?" A smack crashed against my shoulder, and I frowned; it wasn't like I had spitted out such a secret. "Ouch!" I turned around, facing her. "Do you want to talk to her or not?!"

I think it was the first time I saw her blushing. But, again, Jihyo interrumpted us with a soft chuckle. "She's actually a good friend of mine. But, you know she has a boyfriend, right?" Again, that question seemed to put her on her nerves more than the youngest was able to endure. "I'll introduce her to you. Anyways, I think her boyfriend is a douchebag."

And so it all happened in a matter of minutes. She asked us to accompany her, and, as if they had known each other since they were kids, those two girls fell into a long conversation in which everyone around them was excluded.

It was the first time I saw Tzuyu talking that much.

That gave Jihyo the opportunity she was looking for. We slipped away from all the fuss and, with quiet but firm steps, she brought me to the room of horrors. The music class. I swallowed heavily when I first entered, and, with a certain respect, I followed the girl in front of me to get inside.

She sat on the piano bench while I let my fingers slide on the varnished wood. Then she saw a music sheet that I wasn't willing to share. "Pathétique 1st Movement, Opus 13 No. 8." She read aloud before I took it from her hands.

She blinked several times, since I embraced those pages so hard against my chest, she got surprised after seeing me so affected. Moreover, she didn't expect that reaction. "Just- Don't touch this. Nobody can except me and Dahyun."

We exchanged glances for a moment, and I didn't know exactly what it was, but she couldn't keep it for long. Was it because she was able to see the desperation in my pupils?

A cough made us change the subject. "Chaeyoung, there is something I would like to propose before leaving high school behind."

"What is it?" I said, still hugging the music sheets as tightly as I could. I sure looked like a baby, but I didn't care. Those were mine and no one else's.

"The music club's president has already been elected for next year, and I've talked to her about you." Why would that girl care about how little related I could be to that group? I still didn't understand what she wanted to get from all of this. "I know you were preparing your audition with Dahyun. And I would like you to do it, to join the music club."

"Do you even know what are you asking me?"

She lowered her gaze, her big eyes staring at her clasped hands. "Of course. I know this place reminds you of Dahyun... Isn't that great? Even if it hurts, you'll keep her memory not only in your heart, but in this room."

"No. It's absurd to continue with this if I have to do it without her." I clenched my fists, trying to calm all the feelings that rattled in my chest. The pages of the music sheet crinkled. "I won't do it! I'm not gonna torture myself like that!"

Jihyo stood up, letting her emotions take hold over her. I saw her tears, and how her jaw trembled under her gritted teeth. "She was my friend too! Do you even know how worried I am?" This sunbae never lost it like this, and I couldn't even answer back all her accusations. "I know she's gonna be okay, but if... but if something happens..."

"Don't." I begged her.

"I don't want Dahyun to be forgotten."

There were times when I wondered whether I could stop time, if I could return back at some point in my life, and stay there forever.

I wondered if I could someday remedy all my mistakes, if hours could stop feeling like minutes, and minutes, seconds. Everything happened so fast, and I couldn't even stop to appreciate everything around me. Everything that I lived, and everything I didn't.

I was alone sitting on the bench of that piano, who had so many stories to tell, and many of them featuring both myself and Dahyun. My fingers moved over the keys by themselves, and played my part of the song, letting the bass notes further saddened the atmosphere.

It wasn't the same without her. The melody, like me, was incomplete. That afternoon, as odd as it seemed, I reconsidered the favor Jihyo asked me before leaving. My heart was confused. I thought that, maybe, if I came back here I'd remember the good times, and find a reason to stay. And yet, all I got was the opposite. Like that piece, this room, without Dahyun, made no sense.

I gather my things and went home. So what if I didn't keep her presence alive in this place, if I already had her stuck enough on my chest.

That night, I decided to sleep early, going to bed without eating, and ignoring the worried murmuring of my two mothers. Once under my blankets, I hugged my pillow tightly, and imagining it was her who I embraced, I fell into a deep sleep.

One that didn't last more than a couple of hours or so I thought. I woke up at dawn, hearing rough blows, which weren't going to let me sleep no matter how hard I tried. I got up and went downstairs to the kitchen. There, the blows became stronger. It was as if they were knocking at the door, and for a moment I thought I had gone nuts.

I looked around me for some watch to see what time it was, but I didn't have enough time to do it when those knocks became even more impatient. With fear, I went to the entrance, opening the door and expecting nothing more than the wind, the likely culprit of my insomnia that night.

My heart skipped a beat. I saw her there, with her uniform, standing in front of my house with that stupid smile that provoked in me so many feelings.

A strange force overtook me, and I lost control. I threw myself into her arms and hugged her so tightly, I thought she went mute for my fault. I glanced up and we looked at each other for a few eternal seconds. She was different from what I remembered, and it had been only a couple of months since the last time we met.

There were no words; she sealed my lips with hers.

Confused, I got carried away. I took several steps backward, retreating, and she entered the house without being invited. Her hand tangled in my hair behind my neck, the whole time it kept me in place, unable to escape from that kiss that neither I wanted it to end.

I wanted to ask so many things. And yet, all I did was reciprocating her, devouring her lips fearing that would be the last time I'd do it. Furthermore, when her tongue made its way through my mouth, I wasn't afraid of letting a moan escape from it. I grabbed the collar of her camouflage shirt, and pulled her even closer.

Doubts and regrets were over. After all this time all I wanted to do was to feel again.

Her hands slid down my sides, and I felt like my skin still burned below my pajama shirt. And between desperate kisses that tasted like glory, the same ones that were so eager to undress me, ended up behind my thighs. She carried me in her arms and placed me on the shoe rack, standing between my legs.

I closed my eyes and groaned. I moaned for having her so close to me... for wanting her inside me. It was as if I had completely lost my mind, like surrendering to Dahyun was the only way to redeem myself of all my mistakes. And yet, it didn't feel real.

It was impossible to be real.

Then I opened my eyes again, finding a totally different image from what I pictured. Apparently, that was the only time I woke up that night. I was sweating, and didn't really know if anxious or frustrated, kicked the blankets that covered me, making them fall to the ground.

I brought my hands to my face.

Everything had been a dream. A stupid dream that made me miss her even more than I was willing to allow.

At first, I thought I hated her for doing that to me. For daring to come into my life, and then disappear through the same door she came. However, time just made me realize what was really happening to me.

I didn't hate her.

I loved her.

They say that time flies, but the mere memory of her kept breaking its wings. I didn't want to forget her. The days passed, months... a year! A year in which, although it was not the same, I felt no interest in anyone... Or at least not as deep as I kept for Dahyun.

She broke my walls, after all.

Dahyun made history!

But I learned to live with it. Occasionally, I had those dreams that my subconscious used to torture me, but beyond that, everything kept going on. My senior year was nice enough to distract me. And when I knew it, I myself was already deciding my future in entrance exams to college.

I still kept in touch with Tzuyu and Jihyo... and strangely Nayeon. However, who I hadn't heard anything from, was her.

I spent a lot of time writing letters, since it wasn't possible to call her when she was on duty. But I never got an answer. There came a time when I gave up, in which I decided it wasn't worth it.

Except the day when I was accepted into Seoul National University. That was one of the best things that had happened to me in a long time, because I could devote myself to do what I wanted... in my career I'd finally find people who would understand me, from who I wouldn't have to hide. I was looking forward to it, and, in turn, share it with someone.

That was the last letter I wrote to Dahyun. One that never had a reply.

There were things that still amazed me, despite having begun to become accustomed for quite a while. Not only I found two good friends in my career, with whom I shared several subjects; no, but even they found me interesting when I still thought I was just a boring brat who liked doodling.

Though I was proud of it...

Anyways, Minatozaki Sana, one of them, helped me a lot to adapt. She came from Japan three years ago, and although her Korean wasn't that good at times, she was smarter than her clumsy nature let the girl show. Deep down, and even though sometimes our friendship seem somewhat weird, we got along pretty well.

But one could say that everything came from the hand of that shy girl, who actually was even rarer than the two of us together. Myoui Mina. That girl that anyone would give for her much more than what could be considered legal, and even so, I still saw her only as a good friend.

I remember the day we met.

I was sitting in one of the last rows of the classroom, with no one beside me, because I really didn't know anyone, and several of the students around me had already made their own friendships. And, taking notes on the introduction to the Animation class, I heard how the doors opened behind me. I stared, like everyone else did, at those two girls who interrupted the class.

A half smirk showed on my lips when they began to apologize; I found it funny. However, it didn't last long. Seeing that the few free seats were at my side, they didn't hesitate to take them. Even if they asked me if they were already taken and I could have said yes, thus saving myself to have those two strangers next to me, I didn't.

I learnt to give life a chance.

And, damn it, those two were too fun to ignore their presence. More than once they asked me about the meaning of some words, and in that instant, I couldn't help wondering how the heck they had managed to enter college if they struggled so much with my language.

...Although I was glad of it. It was what made me have friends, which made me stop thinking that I was alone in this cruel world. They made me forget.

I started a new phase of my life.

And, unfortunately, Dahyun wasn't there to accompany me.

It had been a couple of months in which my career, Fine Arts, had filled me completely. Even if assignments sometimes wouldn't let me breathe, and I felt overwhelmed in a sea of drawings and designs that I would have never imagined being able to create; I was happy.

Moreover, my relationship with those two girls became closer... more intimate. They knew about my life, what had happened; and in return, they also shared everything with me.

Unfortunately, in every group of friends, one always tends to have more preference for one than the other. And not that it was my case, much less... but Mina's.

As much as I acted like I had no idea of what was happening, I knew. The unnecessary details, the innocent way to hold my hand, those hugs that lasted more than usual... definitely, that girl had a crush on me. And I, on the other hand, could only feel bad about not being able to reciprocate her feelings.

She asked me, supposedly joking, to give her a chance, despite knowing that my heart already belonged to someone else. And somehow I understood her. If I had moved on, shouldn't I do it once and for all? Shouldn't I rewrite my story again with someone else?

I was a complete mess.

At home, everytime I came ba