"I'm not making up things! It's true, she cooked for me and I ate her cooking, and it made me full. I was full! How could you say it's just a hallucination? You know I can't pretend to be full. If it were just my imagination, I would have been starving all that day!"

 

"Please calm down, young man."

 

Luhan pressed his lips into a thin line as he tried to suppress his emotions. He felt bad for exploding there, in the doctor's room, but he couldn't help it. Lao Gao's remark earlier just made him want to spit out all the proofs he had! To prove that there was nothing wrong with his mentality, and that his love wasn't just a mere hallucination, like the bear thought.

 

Him being in that room was also the courtesy of this lifetime buddy of his. He hadn't got the chance to tell his parents about Hei Lin, and yet he was still determined to show them the pictures of her, hoping that his mama and baba could understand him better than Lao Gao – or the doctor, or anyone else – could. However, the worried manager had prevented him to do so, asking - almost begging – him to go see the doctor first if he wanted to tell his parents. Lao Gao was just afraid that the deer's parents would get hurt finding their son like that – they'd most likely tell him to take a forever break from his tiring life as an idol.

 

The middle-aged doctor sighed quietly and spun the silver pen between his fingers as he read his own scribbles on his paper. "Are you sure your parents don't have any hereditary diseases?"

 

"No. As far as I'm concerned, they’ve always been as healthy as ever," the idol answered somewhat anxiously, thinking if his parents were actually that healthy. He hadn't asked them much about it.

 

"And your head didn't bump anything?"

 

"No, no. I take care of my head."

 

"On a show? Maybe you forgot," Lao Gao asked, getting his friend to rethink about his answer.

 

"Um... Oh, my head hit Chao ge's . On Running Man, when we were building a boat with plastic bottles. But– But it wasn't even a hard bump, and it happened far after I met her for the first time! Seriously, there's nothing wrong with my head. It… It doesn't hurt." Luhan’s voice trailed off at the end of his sentence as he fidgeted with his fingers.

 

The doctor placed his pen down, folded his hands on the desk and straightened his sitting position as he gave the young man a concerned look. "Well," he cleared his throat, "we can't come to an abrupt conclusion now. Luhan, I suggest you should make an appointment to examine your head in the lab. It's okay, don't worry too much about it. We'll just see the condition on the inside, is it okay with you?" He tried to explain carefully as if he were talking to a child.

 

Although the confused deer wanted to object so bad, feeling like that treatment wasn't at all necessary, he ended up nodding obediently like the good boy he was.

 

But that didn't mean he would actually follow the doctor's advice.

 

The next day, first thing in the morning, he sped to a certain coffee shop with his Maserati and barged in like his hair were on fire.

 

"Hei Lin??" All eyes turned to the idol in disguise. Standing at the entrance, with eyes wide and chest rising and falling, he stared at the back of a girl behind the cashier expectantly, impatiently waiting for her to turn around and greet him with her usual beautiful smile. But seconds ticked by and she didn't turn around, and the longer he looked at her, the more he realized that this girl wasn't his girl; her hair was reddish dark brown instead of pure black, and although she had Hei Lin's cute hair bun and was about the same height as her, this girl's neck wasn't as long and pretty as Hei Lin's and her shoulders were slightly broader. And his guess was right; when she turned around to give a big cup of coffee to the customer, the face revealed was a completely different one. Beautiful, but somewhat arrogant-looking with blank eyes and an insincere smile. A frown formed on the masked idol's face immediately. It was definitely not his girl.

 

Weird, he thought as he looked at his watch, this is Hei Lin's shift, I'm really sure about it. Since he was still getting some strange looks from the shop's customers, and some whispers with curious glances directed at him, a waiter came to him and politely asked, "Good morning, Sir. May I help you?"

 

"Oh, I-I'm looking for someone. She works here. H-Hei Lin... Where is she?" He expected the waiter to tell him she was in the restroom or maybe in the kitchen, since he couldn't see her anywhere, but unexpectedly, the young waiter furrowed his eyebrows at the name. "Hei Lin? I'm sorry, Sir, there aren't any employees named Hei Lin working here. Perhaps you are mistaken?"

 

"No," Luhan stated firmly, "I am not mistaken. I know her really well, I've come here to see her around this time several times. This is her shift, she makes the coffee. Are you a new waiter? Maybe you don't know her yet."

 

"No, Sir, I've worked here for two years– Sir, wait–" Luhan ignored the shorter man and started to fast-walk around the coffee shop, gaining more attention than he already had. After he checked their secret spot in the corner, just to find a couple having their sweet moment there like he used to with his lady, he began to lose his mind and a little storm of emotions started to build inside him. He tried to peek into the female restroom and called Hei Lin's name, just to find the restroom empty; he even begged the waiter to let him go to the kitchen, and they actually gathered everyone in the kitchen and told them to come out for a moment just to prove that there was no Hei Lin in that shop. His last attempt made them all look at him with different unreadable expressions; he showed them his first and last picture with the said girl, which appeared like him showing them his own selfie, with no one else in it. They were then coated in tensed silence.

 

"I'm sorry, but you're clearly mistaken, Sir," the girl behind the cashier said while chewing a bubble gum, totally not aware that she was talking to an idol, "I've been in this position, in this shift for more than a year already. Now, if you don't mind, please don't scare our customers."

 

Luhan turned his head around and just them did he realize the little commotion he had caused.  The entire coffee shop was silent, everyone was looking at him with different uncomfortable faces.

 

"I'm... I'm sorry." With that, he bowed in apology and quietly made his way out of the shop. His once favorite place became an unfamiliar one that took him as a weird stranger. The idol tossed himself into his car and slammed his head back against the seat, shutting his eyes and covering his face with his hand as he tried to fight back his frustrated tears.

 

Now how am I going to find you? He sure had thought of contacting her phone, but then he remembered she didn't have a phone. It was a bit weird for a young person these days not to have a cellphone, but Luhan had asked her about it and she had told him that her phone had got broken. She hadn't bought a new one since then. Luhan had planned to buy her one, but he hadn't got the chance to. He regretted that really bad. Then, he was totally disconnected with his love.

 

So what could he do? Feeling helpless and useless, he took a sorrowful glance one more time at the coffee shop before he went away, with unshed tears swamping his empty doe eyes.

 

Please... Don't make me believe that you're not real.

 

---

 

Ding dong!

 

Ding dong!

 

"Ungh..." Luhan's face scrunched up and his heavy eyes lazily cracked open at the sound of the doorbell, which had forcefully pulled him out of his sweet nap. It was one of those rare days when he could take a break from his packed schedule, and yet he couldn't peacefully have the rest he deserved. He rolled off the comfy sofa in the spacious living room, slowly got up on his jelly legs, and rubbed his eyes with his balled hands like a little boy before he shuffled his way to the door and then to the front gate, still reaching there faster than the running maid. The idol in black wife-beater didn't even bother fixing his fluffy blonde hair a little bit.

 

That was why, when he opened the gate and popped his head out to see his guest, suddenly he felt like a lazy jobless guy with that kind of look on display. His sleepy eyes rounded and his hands went up instinctively to fix his blonde locks.

 

"H-Hei Lin! H-How did you find my house?" Awkwardly he leaned onto the gate with one hand and another hand on his hip trying to keep a cool image, but failing miserably when the gate moved because of his weight and he stumbled a little bit, in the end standing straight instead like a clumsy soldier.

 

The girl seemed to be glowing in his vision. She tried to suppress her chuckle at his cute antics, some strands of hair slipping off her shoulder as she bowed her head to hide her shy smile. She tucked those strands back behind her ear and lifted the bag that she was holding, a familiar black one that made Luhan's eyes twinkle and his face brighten up like a puppy; the foodie bag.

 

"Lu ge, I cooked for you. It's your favorite. Have you had lunch already?"

 

"I-I haven't. But Hei Lin... you don't have to trouble yourself for me," Luhan said, his smile betraying his words. He took the bag and sniffed it, making the lady giggle, his eyes rolling back as soon as the aroma entered his nostrils. He could hear his own tummy rumbling already.

 

"You seem hungry," Hei Lin grinned, "you can bring that in now. I should get going."

 

"Wait– Wait, you're going now? Y-You've come all the way here, at least… you should come inside," the awkward deer turned his head back and forth between his house and the lady, trying to find more reasons why she shouldn't leave that soon. Truthfully, he just wanted to spend his time with her. It was strange, but it felt like he hadn't seen her for years.

 

As a girl who used to be his fan, Hei Lin still couldn't hide her excitement from the very intriguing offer. "Really? I can come in? But, but, isn't there anyone inside?"

 

"No, you know I only live with my cats," the idol grinned shyly, "my staff aren't here since it's a day off and my parents are at their own house now. Oh, and the maid... I guess I can ask her to keep this a secret. Come, let's get inside."

 

And so, that unusual afternoon the pair in love prepared a lovely little lunch of their own in the kitchen, just like a happy young couple. Luhan tied his hair up into his famous apple hair to get it out of his field of sight, and the pretty girl also tied her long hair up in a ponytail, showing off her slender neck that made the clumsy deer gulp secretly. When the maid passed by, Luhan put his index finger on his puckered lips and the middle-aged woman nodded fervently, adding it with a proud big grin of a mother and two thumbs up. The deer devoured all the food like he hadn't eaten real home cooking and had had to eat KFC for years. He was more than glad by the fact that Hei Lin really understood him when it came to food. She knew really well that he liked extra chili and vinegar in his food, and her mutton soup was heavenly as usual! The idol supposed this lady had got all the materials to be his wife already. But of course, it wasn't just about her cooking.

 

"Hei Lin, you're not eating?" Luhan paused, his cheeks puffing out with his lips stained with the red sauce. Basically any girl could squeal at the adorable sight; he looked like a squirrel, complete with his puffed cheeks and his apple hairstyle. To his surprise, his giggling lady took a tissue and proceeded to wipe all the sauce off his lips in a gentle and motherly way. His heart suddenly jumped and pounded like a drum from the touch.

 

"Seeing you eat like this can make me full already," she said jokingly and grinned, "you eat really well, Lu ge. Anyone can feel happy just by watching you eat."

 

When Hei Lin scooped a chunk of tender meat from the soup and brought the spoon to his mouth, he opened up and took it in on autopilot, not able to take his wide eyes off the pretty face. It felt warm, on his cheeks and in his heart.

 

Even when the two happily washed the dishes together, Luhan couldn't stop stealing glances like a teenage boy in love. Hei Lin was really cheerful that day, with the sleeves of her black sweater rolled up to her elbows, she washed the dishes next to him while singing some happy songs.

 

"Give me a kiss, yes or no?

Kiss me on the cheek, leave a mark of love

Give me a kiss, yes or no?

Kiss me on the heart, let me long for you

Even while staring into your eyes,

Even if you say no

I still must ask, I won't be discouraged

Even while staring at your lips,

Even if you don't respond

I still must beg of you, I won't be sad."

(Back to 20 - Give Me a Kiss)

 

It was a song that Luhan once had sung too, and so he ended up singing along with a shy grin stretching his lips. Now, he actually wanted to steal a kiss on her cheek, but he wasn't that bold yet. He smiled shyly to himself instead.

 

"Lu ge, you know what I've been thinking?"

 

"What is it?"

 

"You look really manly in wife-beater and apple hair. Lufans really need to see this look more often." They both laughed.

 

"I know. It's called Lu style, a very handsome style. It's so obvious, isn't it? Yo, yo, yo!" The deer made funny gestures and a dorky face that he thought was cool, only making the other laugh even more in secondhand embarrassment. He had grown really used to that bright, pretty laugh, it was almost addictive.

 

Done with the dishes, Hei Lin decided not to stay there for too long. "Lu ge, I better go now. I guess I shouldn’t be here for too long when your parents don’t even know me. What would they say if they knew about this?”

 

The deer objected. "No, don't make it seem like you can't be here at all. Soon or later I'll tell them about you anyway. Actually, it's a good thing if they can meet you sooner. Stay with me? Please?"

 

He got an uneasy smile. "I’m not sure whether they will like me or not."

 

"Why wouldn’t they? You’re everything they’re looking for.” Both had their faces flushed a faint shade of red from the cheesy line. “Now just stay here a bit longer, will you?" The taller stepped forward and took the other into his arms, jutting out his lips slightly in a pout. "Please stay with me. I don't know why but I feel so lonely these days."

 

Hei Lin squeezed the bigger body in her arms, keeping the firm hold to make sure he could really feel the warmth. Just like their every other hugs, meant to soothe the lonely heart. The black forest lady rocked the boy back and forth slightly to comfort him before pulling back to let him see her sincere smile. She reached up her hand and caressed his cheek ever so gently, as if she was touching something really precious and valuable. Which he really was, to her and everyone else.

 

"You know that I, really, love you, right?" She barely whispered, "Even if I'm not there with you, you should never forget that I'm always here," she patted his chest, "maybe not in your mind, but always in your heart. Mind plays with logic, but heart keeps what logic can't understand."

 

"You stay in both." Luhan encircled his arms around the fragile figure and tilted his head for a kiss that he had been holding back. But when their lips were about to touch...

 

Poof!

 

She disappeared. She was gone, and his field of sight was no longer filled by the beauty.

 

And just then he remembered; she wasn't there, in his life, anymore. The reason of the thick loneliness he couldn't get rid of.

 

He fell onto his knees as the realization hit him hard.

 

"No... Please don't leave me. Please come back. Please... NO!!!"

Luhan jolted up from his sleep with thin layer of sweat coating his skin and tears endlessly sliding down his cheeks. It was yet another dream about her, the missing black forest lady. No matter how hard he tried not to remember any memories about her, still he recalled her in his sleep.

 

It wasn't all that easy. Forgetting someone who had filled his empty heart after so long wasn't easy at all. It had been empty, but then it felt emptier than before, left with a huge gaping hole. He questioned whose fault it was; he had never seen her ever since he had told Lao Gao about her, she was gone like the wind. Was it his fault for revealing her? Maybe he shouldn't have done that. Maybe that way they would have still been together at that very moment. But he questioned why. Why he couldn't reveal her without losing her, why it all had to be that way for them, why he couldn't have a normal love life like what he craved for!

 

It was all too exhausting for his tired heart.

 

As the poor young man cried alone in silence, his fingers dug into the pillow that he was choking in his arms, and he rocked himself back and forth until he fell back into his slumber... just like the previous nights.

 

The first Reloaded concert tour was there. The Chinese idol had never been that overwhelmed by lots of emotions before! He felt so much more than his first ever debut in Korea, because this time he was alone. Just as Luhan, not EXO Luhan. Indeed he had his lovely and amazing team who had become like his own family, but then once he got onto the stage, it was just going to be only him in the spotlight. It was nerve-wracking! His parents were there to watch him, giving him full support – they even bought the "LH7" light sticks and wore the yellow deer antlers, looking as cute as the other Lufans – unlike the time when he had been in Korea. They had been far away, only able to watch him on the screen. Then, all his beloved were there, even the Running Man family too! He was going to show them all his very best.

 

Not all my beloved are here.

 

One person wasn't there to see him. How could he know when there was a sea of Lufans out there? Well, he just simply couldn't sense the presence. He'd know if she really came.

 

If he was asked whether he was ready or not, he clearly wasn't. He lacked sleep and preparation because of his busy schedule, and not just that, something went wrong with his tummy and he got sick on the D-Day. But his beloved Lufans were there already and he could hear them chanting his name. He put on his last piece of clothing, a metallic gold coat, and headed to the backstage with a determined heart.

 

This is for everyone who loves me. For everyone I love.

 

He pushed his thoughts and worries aside as he walked up the stage after the fans' countdown. Thousands of girls' scream and the yellow sea of light attacked his senses together with a big wave of emotions. His team of dancers came, he held his emotions in. And his first ever solo concert started.

 

At one point, seeing his fans sing along with him to his first song after he had returned home to China, Our Tomorrow, he felt his wall slowly crumble and because of each word coming out of his own mouth, his emotions made it to break the wall down. The so-called manly deer cried before his yellow ocean.

 

"Aahh... Lu ge, don't cry!" The fans chorused. Luhan swallowed down the rest of his tears and put on a smile to cover up, like he always did.

 

But it is true that people barely knew what happened behind the closed doors.

 

Once he had closed his concert with a ninety-degree bow to each and every directions, he quickly went to the backstage and there he sobbed his heart out. The boy was so overwhelmed and his feelings were overflowing; the great relief for finishing his first ever solo concert smoothly, even though he had made little mistakes, the pride of himself, the longing for his brothers in Korea that suddenly resurfaced again and the little loneliness that slipped in between, all topped with his longing for his love, who probably hadn't seen this big phase of his life. Indeed there was a little disappointment. The whole team and his buddy-manager were there, trying to cheer him up, but no one dared to come close and hold him. They were too afraid that they might break the fragile, precious one.

 

"Luhan, it's okay. You did really great, we are all proud of you."

 

"Don't cry, Luhan. You're our hero."

 

But then again, it wasn't Luhan if he stopped spreading his positive energy to his surroundings. Soon enough, the tears were gone and his glowing angelic smile was back on his lips. He sincerely thanked his team and shared a group hug, keeping the rest of his feelings for later that night, when he was alone in his room. He'd sink in deep thoughts and stare at the ceiling until his eyes give in to the drowsiness.

 

He was still trying to forget her. He knew he would never see her again if she didn't want him to, although he still couldn't understand why. Truthfully he still hoped for her to show up again someday, and maybe explain everything to him, but how long would he have to wait and let his parents keep on bugging him about getting married soon? Speaking about marriage, it once came to his mind if the black forest lady was as serious as him – aiming for marriage – or if she wanted anything but that. She was still young, indeed, maybe she wasn't ready for something that serious. Maybe that was the reason she had disappeared. But then again, Luhan thought, they had never actually talked about marriage. It was just to the point of them wishing for a normal boyfriend-girlfriend relationship, although the idol couldn't help but secretly think about marriage too. He had never told her that he wished to marry her. They weren't even officially a couple! But he didn't know her idea about all this marriage thing, if she had secretly thought about it too and made a plan to run away.

 

Girls are so complicated.

 

If marriage was the case, it was completely okay for him to wait for two or three more years until her age was mature enough. But then again, was it really the cause she had disappeared?

 

One night he thought about this, and he came to one conclusion; he'd never know the answer if he only kept on waiting and guessing indefinitely. He decided that he couldn't just forget her, despite her still loving him or not. He got to get her explanation. And so, he was going to stop waiting and start looking for her! Screw those people who told him she was just his hallucination, who couldn't see her in those pictures. He could see and feel her; that was what mattered. She had always been real to him. Somehow that night he regained his faith, and the positive deer was optimistic enough that he could find her... somehow.

 

Luhan worked his mind every night to look for a possible way, and the more he thought, the more little memories resurfaced, like puzzle pieces that could show him a patch of the big picture of his lady, the little things that could possibly lead him to her. He remembered her telling him the places that were closely related to her, where she had used to hang out with her friends during high school, her favorite restaurant, the beautiful park she often went to, and most importantly... The name of her high school! It came like a ball of light clearing the mess in his head.

 

That's it! Yes! I'm so definitely going to Shanghai this weekend.

 

The weekend came and Luhan was practically jumping around in excitement.

 

"Lao Gao, hurry up! We're gonna miss the train!"

 

"Wait," Lao Gao gasped for air while running and carrying a big bag in each of his hand, "you're so gonna explain to me why we're going to Shanghai. You don't even have any schedules today!"

 

"I'll do that later. You wouldn't come with me if I explained now," the deer grinned and made a peace sign before jumping into the train.

 

The same thing happened again when they arrived at the destination; Luhan going like a fast-walk champion and Lao Gao trying to catch up like a wobbling giant teddy bear. They dropped their stuff at a hotel and went straight to what seemed to be a school. A quite big one.

 

"Why are we here? Is it for a show? Why did I not know about it?" Lao Gao kept on throwing unanswered questions as they walked into the building, only stopping when the security had led them to a room with a label, "Vice Principal of Student Affairs". They had left a bunch of gaping mouths and some squeals along their way. The most famous deer of China came to their school without any apparent reason, what a surprise!

 

They got another gaping mouth when the door was opened, although it lasted not more than a second, because then it formed a warm friendly smile.

 

"Are you really Luhan?" The vice principal, a kind-looking middle-aged man, got up from his seat and went to greet the idol and his friend with a friendly handshake. "Welcome, young man. My daughter has your pictures all over her room. You look much better in reality." Luhan laughed and rubbed his nape shyly. "What brings a big idol to this school? Come in, please take a seat."

 

Luhan sat down and squeezed his hands together nervously as he read the golden name plate sitting on the desk. "Thank you for letting us see you, Sir. Mr. Zhang." He felt like a high schooler again. "If I may go directly to the point, I'm looking for someone's information. A girl, she used to be a student here."

 

Lao Gao cocked his eyebrows in surprise and the vice principal's face turned somewhat concerned. "Is it your relative?" the man asked cautiously.

 

"Umm... We're not really related, Sir. But we're close, and… I-I'm looking for her now, because she disappeared. The address of her house would be enough, I won’t ask for more."

 

The middle-aged man sighed and slightly leaned forward, signaling the importance of the matter. "You know, young man, I really want to help you but it's a strict rule that schools are not allowed to give out their students' information to external parties. I know you are a good man, my daughter talks about you every day and truthfully I've had enough of it already. But you are not a family of the student, so we can't give you any information. I'm really sorry."

 

"But... Technically she's not a student here anymore," Luhan objected weakly, still maintaining his polite tone.

 

"That is why we cannot share her information without asking for her permission, can we? I'm really sorry."

 

Luhan's expectant gaze lowered dejectedly as he nodded trying to understand. But I've come this far... So it has to stop here?

 

"…Please, Sir." His attempts to find other reasons ended with a weak plea. “She’s really important to me.”

 

“Luhan, I think it’s enough,” Lao Gao whispered, “let’s go home.” The deer ignored him and begged the principal silently through his sad doe eyes.

 

The vice principal leaned back into his chair and massaged his temple, making the uneasy deer instantly apologize for troubling him. “You know what? I will not give you her address,” the eldest in the room said and Luhan bowed his head sadly, “but I will let you see our yearbook, if you want. Maybe you can find her in there. There isn’t much you can find, though, just pictures and general information. No specific addresses. Would that be useful to you?”

 

The kind man got up from his seat and went to the cupboard across the room, and the humble idol was fast to get onto his feet, bowing ninety degrees at him. “T-Thank you very much, Mr. Zhang!” Lao Gao shook his head in disbelief at his possibly crazy buddy’s act, but ended up thanking the vice principal too. If Luhan wanted to prove that his lady wasn’t just a mere hallucination, this should be the right chance.

 

“Now tell me, in which year she graduated?”

 

Luhan’s smart brain instantly counted; if that year Hei Lin was going to be twenty three, then most likely she must have graduated high school five years before, when she had been eighteen. “2011, Sir,” he guessed.

 

“Oh? She’s a bit older than I thought. Is she your secret girlfriend?” Mr. Zhang gave the idol a funny teasing look over his shoulder. “My daughter’s going to be disappointed, but good for you. She says you’re twenty six already, is that true? You do need a girlfriend.”

 

“Ah, w-we’re not there yet— I mean, no, she’s not my g-girlfriend, she disappeared and… and t-that’s why… I’m looking for her now.”

 

“You’re looking for your missing love,” the vice principal laughed, stating the obvious as he pulled a big black book out of the neat rows of similar-sized books in the cupboard. On the hard cover was written an embossed, classy gold “Class of 2011”, with elegant decorations and the school’s logo in the same color. The flushed-faced deer received the thick fancy yearbook with yet another thankful bow and began to go through the pages one by one.

 

“Oh, there are so many of them,” he muttered as he traced his index finger over the names in one of the many classes.

 

“You may take your time with that. Now excuse me for a moment, I have some papers to sign. The student council needs them today. It’s okay, you can sit there on the sofa. Tell me when you find her in there!”

 

After five minutes of a quick scan with Lao Gao’s help, Luhan exclaimed, “HEI LIN! Lao Gao it’s Hei Lin’s name! Wu Hei Lin? I didn’t know her surname was Wu! Oh wait, I didn’t know her surname… That’s strange,” Luhan laughed awkwardly and his buddy cocked an eyebrow at him.

 

You’ve found her?” the vice principal piped up behind his desk. “Good for you! Has her face changed a lot?”

 

Just then the two young men shifted their eyes up from the name to the picture above it; Luhan’s eyebrows went up high comically and Lao Gao’s face dropped flat. “Luhan. Don’t tell me this is the girl you’ve been talking about. No offense, but if I were a girl, I’d still be prettier even with my beard on.”

 

The girl in the picture – a very chubby one, with sharp eyes, thick angry eyebrows and high pigtails – stared into their souls as if they had murdered the whole family of her kitten. Could it possibly be Hei Lin in her high school era?

 

“N-No!! No! This can’t be her. This must be the other Hei Lin. There are three more classes, w-we should take a look.” Luhan’s face turned clumsily serious as he stiffly flipped over the pages, almost looking traumatized. “There may be many Hei Lins here. We can’t be happy too soon. Lao Gao, help me out.”

 

Five more minutes later, once again Luhan made a face of a dead fish, but this time he didn’t make any sounds and remained Luhan.jpg for the next couples of seconds until Lao Gao said, “Oh look! Another Hei Lin. Wow oh God, look at her. She looks like a doll. So cute!”

 

The next four pages were pictures of the students divided in groups; each page had ten persons, just like the other classes. They were all in fancy dresses, posing elegantly on different spots in what seemed to be an elite ballroom. On one of the pages there was this one girl whose face had been haunting Luhan’s dreams; his Snow white, looking like a princess who had come out of a fairy tale book. Her elegant twist drape, strapless crimson ball gown showed off the glowing flawless skin of her shoulders and her arms, contrasting to her long, wavy pitch black hair that was styled in loose curls and waterfall braids, with tiny white flowers prettifying it. Posing with her hand on her hip, her chin slightly lifted and her small smile as intriguing as her gaze, she looked absolutely ready to steal and dominate any boy's heart; including that one of China’s precious deer.

 

“…Lao Gao… It’s her. It’s her. IT’S HER! IT’S HER IT’S MY HEI LIN!! SEE? SHE’S REAL!” Luhan bounced on his and shouted like a hyper kid, forgetting about keeping a good manner in front of the vice principal. His smile spread from ear to ear and his grip on the book was strong as if he had just found a treasure he had been searching for years. Eventually his eyes glistened with pure happy tears.

 

Zhu Hei Lin. Crimson Black Forest. Luhan’s smile softened recalling the very familiar black sweater with the picture of two big crimson cherries. He caressed the photograph gently with his thumb. Baby, I miss you.

 

“You can keep that book.” Luhan lifted his head and found the vice principal standing next to him, smiling softly at him. “We have a few copies left from each year, some students didn’t take theirs.”

 

From the moment he thanked the kindhearted man until they got back to where they stayed, the yearbook never once left his firm hug. They had just checked in a couple of hours earlier, but the idol insisted they had to go back to Beijing at earliest time possible. So they checked out and left Shanghai just like that.

 

“1001 ways to waste money,” Lao Gao the manager grumbled all the way.

 

From the yearbook he found new things about Hei Lin, trivial ones but still important to him. Just then he realized, he had talked a lot with the lady, but mostly it all had been about himself and his activities. He had missed these little details about her, how could he say he loved her?

 

Name: Zhu Hei Lin

Nickname: Hei Lin, Cherry

DOB: June 19, 1993

I’m known as: that girl who always faints in the sun!

My favorite stuff: I love K-Pop. I like SM Entertainment’s artists (I went to its global audition but my mom dragged me back home before my turn!). I love playing violin and piano. I like singing too. I like sweet and sour food, especially chicken! I can’t handle spicy food that well. I like being near the water but funny I can’t swim. I love cooking. I make coffee every day and go to concerts once in a while. I especially like cute boys with pretty eyes.

Best high school memories: A junior bought me a car and confessed to me! But when I rejected him, he took the car back and now he still rides it to school every day. I’m sorry, but I can’t drive a car.

 

She didn’t like spicy food. Luhan hadn’t known that. He had made her eat super spicy food together with him several times. No wonder her face was so red… And he hadn’t known that she couldn’t stand too much heat. How many times had she watched him play soccer under the stinging sunlight? And she seemed to have been more famous with boys in high school than Luhan had expected. He should be aware of any potential rivals – although truthfully no one could win over him that easily. Cute boys with pretty eyes… Luhan craned his neck to look at his own eyes in the rearview mirror. I think they’re pretty enough. I’m not that cute though.

 

“Lao Gao, am I cute or manly?”

 

“Is this a trap question? Either way you’ll get mad, like girls asking if they’re fat or not.”

 

“Just answer honestly.”

 

“You’re both. But most of the time you’re just sha pao zi. Silly roe deer.”

 

“Is being clumsy cute or manly?” “Cute.” Then I’m qualified. The deer smiled in relief. He just had to pay more attention to his lady. Not until then had he realized how he had been so selfish, although he hadn’t intended to.

 

Hei Lin, I promise I’ll be a better man. Please give me another chance.

 

Not taking a break, once they got back to Beijing, with the yearbook clutched in his arms all the time Luhan made his buddy bring him to the coffee shop that once had "kicked" him out. This time he didn't bother putting on his usual mask, cap and glasses, which surprised the whole coffee shop. Phone cameras were fast to be directed at him once he walked in hurriedly.

 

Luhan stopped at the cashier and put the book on the counter. "Please give me a moment." The spacing out reddish brown haired girl behind the cashier, who once had subtly asked him to leave the place, looked at him with huge eyes and wide gaping mouth.

 

"Lu-Lu-Luhan..." She hurriedly fixed her look. "I-I'm your fan. I eat KFC every day because of you."

 

Oh, but you couldn't recognize me the last time I came here. "Thank you, but it's not healthy," Luhan smiled anyway, before opening a certain page of the yearbook. "Now please tell me," he turned the book facing the cashier girl and pointed at the picture of a certain girl, "Do you know her?"

 

The cashier girl tried hard to peel her eyes off the handsome face and shift her focus to the picture. Her eyebrows furrowed, "No, I don't know her."

 

At the same time, the manager of the shop came out of the kitchen and saw the scene. "What's happening here? Oh, aren't you the guy in the KFC and VW Beetle commercials?" The man came closer and eyed the awkward deer.

 

"Uh, yes I am."

 

"You're pretty good looking." And just then, did the manager's eyes drop to the yearbook. His eyebrows immediately raised in recognition.

 

"D-Do you know her, Sir?" Luhan asked immediately, noticing the change of expression, "the one in crimson gown."

 

"What? Of course I know her! It's Cherry! Goodness, this pretty little girl has been gone since forever! She was our precious treasure. Oh, I miss her."

 

"What... do you mean, Sir?"

 

"Cherry?" A staff heard the seemed-to-be familiar name and came to see the picture, followed by the others one by one, "is it really her?"

 

They swarmed around the counter and looked at the picture with sad, rather mournful looks. Luhan got a bad feeling creeping up his spine. Sensing the atmosphere and what it could possibly mean, Lao Gao encircled his arm around his buddy and slightly squeezed his shoulder in a comforting manner. Perhaps they should anticipate to hear something bad.

 

The manager took Luhan and his buddy to his office at the back of the shop, since they were gaining attention from the customers. There he revealed everything he knew about the girl.

 

"Everyone knew her by the name Cherry, we didn't usually call her by her real name and therefore the others had no knowledge about the name Hei Lin. She had worked here ever since she graduated high school until three years ago. She had only been here for two years, but she made it to steal everyone's hearts! She made coffee with love, I could smell it in the air every morning. I wasn't a manager back then, just a co-worker, but she was kind to everyone." The rather young manager shook his head in disbelief. "But then she disappeared without a word. One morning suddenly she stopped coming to work and since then she never came back. From a rumor I heard that something bad happened to her, I still don't want to believe it but she was said to be... gone already. Do you get what I mean? The rumor... said she had died."

 

At that moment Luhan felt as if his heart had stopped beating. So his love was dead? Was he in love with a ghost? And then suddenly it all made sense; people not able to see her in those pictures, and her always wearing the same outfit, always being there even at weird times and places, where normal fangirls – even sasaengs – couldn't have been... like in his hotel rooms, for many times. He had been suspicious about all these at first, he had even been so angry for being followed around and left with no privacy, but somewhere in the middle of the way he had got infatuated by the charm and love of the lady that the strange things about her didn't matter anymore. He had needed – still needed – someone to love and who loved him that bad.

 

But one thing he questioned... If she was really a ghost, how come I could see her and the others couldn't? I have never seen any other ghosts with my own eyes before!

 

Deep down he just didn't want to believe his love was gone forever.

 

Lao Gao held the hurt deer tight and tried all he could to comfort him with his words, but it seemed like his soul had left his body and flown out the window. His expectant eyes were then empty and dull.

 

"No way."

 

Not getting any further responses, in the end Lao Gao thanked the manager and brought the dumbstruck deer home. To his parents' house, not his own. He just thought the idol shouldn't be left alone in such condition, who knew what could happen?

 

"Luhan, do you want me to stay?" the manager offered once they arrived at the door of the big house, getting even more worried by the zombie look on the idol's face. He could hear the mistress of the house's voice singing happily inside, what would she say if she saw her son like this?

 

"No, it's okay." Not so surprisingly, Luhan put on a perfect smile when his mother came into sight to give him a big hug and a smooch on the cheek. Such a great actor, Lao Gao thought ironically.

 

Now, he wondered how his lifetime buddy was feeling, seeing his mother after the news about his supposedly dead love. Back then, Luhan had insisted to tell his parents about her, but somehow Lao Gao had made it to make him promise not to tell them until they actually got into a relationship.

 

"You don't want them to get disappointed if you don't end up getting her as your girlfriend, do you? Look at your age, it's not the time for a trial and error relationship anymore. Your parents want a daughter-in-law, not just a possible girlfriend for their son. Just make it a surprise for them once you guys are official. Alright?"

 

"...Ugh, I hate to say you got a point this time. Alright. You win. But of course, our relationship is going to work really well, I tell you."

 

Lao Gao felt his heart clench recalling the smug face Luhan had made that time. He just really hoped the deer wouldn't remember himself saying that.

 

Indeed Luhan was good at covering up his feelings, but even though his smile might be 24/7 on his face, that smile wasn't always 24/7 on the face of his heart.

 

As the lonely boy returned to his house and locked himself in his room that night, snuggled into the sheets and hugged his pillow, his eyes that had been dull all day began to grow hot and soon enough they were flooded in tears. He cried silently yet with heavy droplets of tears, like the man mourning for his gone love he was.

 

I'm not going to forget you. I don't want to find a new love, even if you really left, this love will not die with you. You... You got me too deep, just... please come back! I don't care even if you're a ghost, you've always been that way from the very beginning of us and everything was fine!

 

He dug his fingers into his pillow and clenched his teeth trying to control his quiet sobs. Then out of the blue, a strange feeling came and goose bumps crept up his spine; he felt something like an arm encircle his waist from behind and warm breath blow softly on his nape. In a quick reflex he flipped around and jolted up with his teary eyes wide open, quickly snapping his head around just to find no one there, besides his fat grey cat that was sitting next to him and staring at him with questioning eyes, its head tilted to the side and its tail flicking around. For a moment the two only stared at each other in silence.

 

"...Master Cat... Why are you here?" Luhan's hoarse voice broke the silence as he reached out his hand to pet his cat. "It couldn't be you, could it? Maybe I was just hallucinating." He cuddled the heavy cat and got a soothing purr in return. "Do you want to go outside? I'll open the door for you." The cat answered by digging into the sheets, showing that it wanted to stay with its master instead. Luhan's red puffy eyes curved slightly, happy that he got company in form of something that wasn't a human. He lied back down and hugged his pet.

 

"Don't pee on the bed, alright? Go to the bathroom if you need to do it."

 

The soft purr and on his hand eventually sent him to a deep slumber. It was strange, but somehow he felt at peace and his emotional breakdown ended that instant. He was so deep in his sleep that he couldn't hear a soft whisper that blew like the wind,

 

"I'm still here with you. I love you."

 

Luhan thought he might be at the verge of losing his sanity, but he couldn't care less.

 

As days went by, he could sense a noticeable presence around him and feel signs of something trying to interact with him. Even though it wasn't apparent in his eyes, he knew what he believed.

 

"Hei Lin, are you there?" he asked a tree during a break between the filming of a Running Man episode. He turned his head around to make sure no one was looking before whispering loudly at the tree, "Come out here, it's okay! The others are having lunch right now."

 

"Xiao Lu! What are you doing over there?" the leader, Deng Chao, called out with a full mouth.

 

"Oh, baba! N-Nothing, just enjoying the view!"

 

"Come eat your lunch, son! Look at these hungry pigs, they'll steal your food soon."

 

Luhan turned his head back and forth between the tree and the Running Man members, who were happily having lunch together while laughing and mocking each other. He was distant again. "Um, maybe later?" he told the tree and secretly waved goodbye before leaving to join the others.

 

He was glad that he had the Running Man family as well as his buddy, Lao Gao, who were there most of the time to temporarily cure his loneliness and cheer him up. They never failed to make him laugh. He couldn't imagine what he would have become without them; he would have probably gone crazy for real.

 

But the real deal had just started.

 

“Hei Lin?” he peeked into a random car in the parking lot.

 

“Hei Lin?” he grabbed a stranger’s hand on the street.

 

“Hei Lin?” he searched in the cupboard in his hotel room.

 

“Hei Lin?” he said to his cat.

 

“Hei Lin?” he talked to his pillow, which was almost bent in a half because of how hard he hugged it in his sleep.

 

He swore he could feel that familiar presence, almost everywhere and all the time, but he could never see her there. It was driving him nuts!

 

One night he woke up from his restless sleep and went to the nearby soccer field. In the middle of the empty field he shouted furiously, “Girl! When are you going to show up?? Stop fooling around with me, if you want to show up, stop haunting me– stop bugging me this way and show yourself to me!”

 

Drenched in sweat, he breathed heavily and looked at the sky as if waiting for it to throw an answer. Seconds ticked by, what he got was only the mocking noises of the grasshoppers. His expectant face changed, his breath hitched as he choked out a small, quiet sob.

 

“It’s almost your birthday,” he squeaked, “please, if you really love me... let me see you on your birthday. At least just for a day." He sniffed and wiped his wet eyes harshly. "I'll be waiting here on that day. Meet me at 10 in the morning. Don't expect me to leave before you come."

 

And so he left the field that night, leaving behind his helpless shout of longing, hanging in the cold night air.

 

Would she come to him on her birthday?

 

Or more like…

 

Did she even hear him cry out for her?

 

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A/N: Hello! Sorry I took so long to update, you probably forgot about this story already lol I hope you enjoyed this chapter! The next chapter will probably be much shorter. Do you think Hei Lin woulld come on her birthday? And what is she, actually? Find out on the next chapter x) thank you so much for reading this story!