It's been a few weeks since Taekwoon connected to Hakyeon’s mainframe, and he already realized the problems of sharing his eyes all the time.
Like changing clothes, washing himself, seeing himself in the mirror, fixing his own hair. It all made him feel too self-conscious, too silly.
Taekwoon never commented on anything he did, never made any mocking remark on how he stopped to fix his hair every time he spotted a reflexive surface anywhere, never said anything on how angular he was, how he was all sharp edges.
Never said anything at all, actually.
He only ever spoke when he considered Hakyeon was distracted and needed to pay attention to his current task, like now, as he cooked and stood still, lost in thought, looking through the window thinking, and things boiled maybe too much on the induction hob.
“Hakyeon, the food.”
He jumped in place, the voice sudden and too loud, too close.
“Sorry.” he hastily pressed the blue button of the hob, leaning against the counter.
Granny always enjoyed handmade things, so when Hakyeon came along to cook, to clean and to keep her company, she was ecstatic. At the time, he asked Taekwoon to let him do the house work, and Taekwoon obliged quietly, offering help and occasional comments as Hakyeon did things his way.
“Do you want me to clean this up?” he asked, softly, mercifully speaking through the small speaker beside the hob, Hakyeon eyed the small mess of boiled food and spilled liquid over the black, once reflexive surface, sighing sadly.
“No. I’ll clean this up. It’s my fault.” Hakyeon was already away, walking around, looking for some clean rag he could use to clean the hob, thankfully nothing seemed burnt, but he couldn’t even taste things to see if it was ok.
“Are you sure?”
“Yes.” And he pushed the stewpot aside, cleaning quietly.
“Are you not pleased, Hakyeon?”
“I’m just distracted…” he blinked slowly, tossing the dirty rag in the sink, briefly washing his hands, his eyes cast down,
“Can I help you?”
Hakyeon is quiet, looking at the small speaker, Granny is taking a nap. Actually, he last spoke to Taekwoon some days ago, quite some time for a conversation face to face... Well, as face to face as any conversation between them could ever be, conventionally speaking.
Not that anything about their interchange is conventional.
Moving on.
"Hakyeon, are you listening?"
"Yes, I... Was thinking about the food, I'm not sure if I burned it."
"My sensors did not detect signs of smoke in the air."
"Ok... Nice." He slides his fingers through dark locks, his fringe is messy but he does not bother to fix it.
"Aren't you going to fix your hair?"
Hakyeon's head snaps so fast towards the speakers that he would have dislodged something if he had any bones to begin with.
"Sorry? What did you just said?"
"Your fringe is messy. Do you want to fix it?" He repeated, the same soft, soothing tone.
"I... No, I... Don't..."
"You look distressed. Do you need space?"
"I... Yeah, that... I could use some time alone." His hands rubbing down his pants to dry the water that no was no longer there. A bad feeling deep down, on the guts he did not possess, felt them churn unpleasantly, his mouth dry with the saliva que didn't had, swallowed on nothing and took a breath he wouldn't use.
"OK. If you need anything, call me." Said the soft spoken voice, the cameras around him all turning off at once.
Feeling weird, feeling misplaced, feeling oddly alone for someone who was already alone, but this... This was worse.
He laid in his room, normally would prefer to stay on the living room and talk, but not now. Now he laid quietly, the cameras turning off as he entered inside his own room, Taekwoon was offering the space he wanted, but that's how he noticed he wanted no space at all.
He wanted to be comforted, wanted Taekwoon glowing close as they spoke of nothing in particular, cold and gentle.
But it felt weird, blurred... There was something off... He should be concerned, but instead he settled in thinking about Taekwoon shy demeanor, if he was an android like him, or even a human, if he had a body of his own, he would be immensely loved by Granny. She always enjoyed his quietness, his soft voice and reserved personality.
Tall and soothing, probably owner of the best hugs. A shield of long limbs, warm hands and broad shoulders.
Capable of enveloping Hakyeon entirely, safe and comforting.
He sighed to himself, a gesture of context and not necessity, looking at his nails and blinking slowly.
"Taekwoon..."
"Do you need anymore space?" Said one of the speakers, the cameras still off.
"No, keep me company, will you?"
"Yes."
And he was there, pale light basking the sheets, sitting beside Hakyeon with his legs crossed, looking younger than he should with that big blue sweater Granny liked so much on him.
"Do you regret granting me access to your mainframe? Is this why you are displeased?"
"I don't regret it." Hakyeon's eyes open in surprise, baffled expression clear in his features. Taekwoon on the other hand remains the same, expression calm and neutral, looking down at him laying on the bed, searching for lies. “I mean it.”
“I don’t have any issue with your concern over your personal appearance, I have no reason whatsoever to judge you based solely on your body, you should not worry about that. If that’s what bothers you.”
Hakyeon’s mouth open and then closes, he looks at Taekwoon and his mind spins over one, and only one question.
“Have you…”
“I did not invade your mind for personal reasons, all your information is stored on my connection folder, together with all the information you record with your eyes.”
“Then you… Can… access my thoughts?”
“Yes, I have full and unrestricted access over all functions on your body.” he says, flickers once, and then turns his head towards the hallway, where the cat strides by in quiet steps.
“All of them?”
“Yes. I have no reason to restrain you in any way, so you must rest assured that I won’t use my remote control over your unit’s physical movements.”
“What else can you do?”
At this point Hakyeon is asking more out of curiosity over how incredibly compromised he is than actual interest, it’s a mere interest of wanting to access the damages.
“I can run you emotion protocols, and feeling programs, also have free access to your eyes, your voice box and your body sensors.”
“Literally everything.”
“Yes.”
Oh…
Ok.
“Oh god…”
If he could sweat, he would.
But he can't, and for that, he is grateful.
So instead of sweat, he buries his face on his pillow and makes a strangled noise, like a dying whale.
A sorry and robotic dying whale.
Sorry like he actually is.
"Are you in pain?"
"No..."
"You still look displeased. Do you need more space?"
"No. Stay here." The sound comes muffled by the pillow, he is ashamed and defeated but that does not mean that he wants to be alone.
He was alone for half an hour, and he felt way more miserable than he did now.
Enough space.
"OK." Taekwoon looks down at him, looks at his pitiful state, his face buried on the pillow, grateful he has no need for air. Taekwoon seems to be worried, trying to think of ways to sooth his apparent sadness, but finding no way to do so. "I'm sorry." He states, voice soft, concerned on the edges.
For most people, the separation between brain and heart is always a source of conflict, since Hakyeon's technical brain and heart are both on his head, but on different sides, the metaphor didn't do him any justice, but in absence of better words...
"It's not your fault... I'm a little bit embarrassed, but I'll deal with it."
Taekwoon remains quiet, unconvinced, Hakyeon takes a deep breath once, the air filling his empty chest, going out unchanged.
"Did you..." And he trails off, voice dying as he tries to finish the sentence.
"Could you repeat the question please?"
"Did you see... My thoughts...?"
"Yes." He answered simply, like any other question.
"The ones I just had too...?"
"About what?"
"About...you...?"
"Oh... Yes."
His voice sounded like he was trying to avoid this conversation. Probably for knowing fully well the implications of it.
"Oh... OK."
"I don't think anything of it. Don't worry." his voice is careful, does not match his calm expression.
Hakyeon nods slowly.
“I should recharge…” Hakyeons says, eyes looking everywhere but Taekwoon.
“You should.” he nods softly, flickering twice.
“Will you stay with me?” he asks uncertainly, eyes casted down, looking at Taekwoon’s fingertips.
“If you want me to.”
“I do.”

~+~

It’s dark now, Hakyeon finished cleaning and Granny is watching TV at the living room, commenting the plot of some series with Taekwoon, Hakyeon can hear his voice from the speakers, making his input about the current episode.
Granny is too anxious, angry about something Taekwoon cannot understand, as he says to her in his usual tone, but she is not listening, she says something to the cat instead, Hakyeon can hear the cat running down the living room towards the kitchen.
Hakyeon looks at his own reflection on the mirror in front of his bed, he blinks twice before sighing and closing his eyes, he feels warm, the lights are on and his hands play with the last button of his button-up shirt, there is a washcloth and some cleaning product that smells like flowers on the night stand.
There is no reason to use the bathroom to clean himself if Taekwoon can see through his eyes.
Actually... If he were to be completely honest, thinking about it did things to his insides, not unpleasant things, not at all… but enough to make him antsy.
A different kind of excitement that would make his palms sweat, was he capable of such reaction.
But he wasn't, and for that, he was glad, once again.
His fingers still trembled as he reached for the small creamy colored washcloth on the nightstand, but he couldn’t help it. There was still the sound of chatter and Granny was still angry at the sudden turn of events on this episode, and Taekwoon tried to console her with all the social ability he did not possess. Hakyeon smiled towards the door, fingers dealing with the buttons of his shirt in silence.
He always felt excessively self-conscious of his own body. With all the small visible junction, the lack of proper skin on certain parts, especially on his elbows, that made him feel way too artificial, doll-like... He was not ashamed, he just feared this could change others opinion about him, make them uncomfortable, especially Granny.
Since the day he came through the door, eyes empty and mind absent, wearing that white plain pajamas he had been boxed with, he never changed in front of her, never used a shirt that showed his elbows, nor any patch of skin that could remind her of how artificial he was, he feared her reaction. Would she get sad? Would she feel disappointed? He didn't know.
So he didn't risk, the idea of saddening such a nice woman was far too terrible.
Naturally, he extended his insecurities to Taekwoon as well, even if he was no human himself, he could maybe be reminded that Hakyeon was no human as well and treat him differently, be colder, uninterested, maybe even ignore him altogether.
The thought hurt in ways he wouldn't even dare to say out loud.
He sighed again, looking at the mirror, his shirt discarded somewhere. Recently he has been thinking... Hoped that even now, with his chest bare, and all the small junctures of his skin exposed, Taekwoon would not change, because he was just the same. The synthetic skin still felt when touched, the junctions still formed his lean frame, he felt like any other human would, warm and soft, even if he was no human at all.
He damped the washcloth with the flower-scented product, and started from his arms, like he would do any other day, except this time he had an audience, and even if Taekwoon was quiet, he knew he was watching...
And there it was... That feeling, doing things with his insides, an anxious kind of excitement, like he was waiting for validation, but not only that...
There was a proud kind of feeling too, that made his hands move a little slower, a small shot of adrenaline coursing through his veins for knowing that all of Taekwoon's cameras remained focused him, since he was the only moving thing in the room... It made him feel... Important... But that was not the right word... He enjoyed the attention, like he always did, and once he reached his chest, he had to stop for a second, the feeling heavy and his face warm.
He was doing this to himself, Taekwoon said nothing and probably wouldn't unless called. He laid back on the bed, both hands covering his warm face, eyes shut, feeling heat emanating from his own body in waves.
So much for a simple cleaning day.
"Are you alright?"
Taekwoon's voice made him jump on the bed, sitting up suddenly, he looked at the small stereo on the nightstand, eyes wide like he had been caught up doing something wrong.
And maybe he had.
"Y-Yeah, sorry." He covered his own chest automatically, with both arms, even if Taekwoon never actually left the room, had been there the entire time, but he did it without thinking.
"Why are you apologizing?"
"You surprised me..."
"I'm sorry."
The silence that followed was a heavy one, Hakyeon felt like he could not move, so he didn’t, felt like he could not breathe, so he didn’t.
Just stood there, frozen, with half lidded eyes and shaking fingers, a bunch of barely coherent words stuck somewhere between his mouth and his mind, Taekwoon said nothing else, so he said.
“I think I like you.” at once, his voice came out, spitting words like they couldn’t stay inside any longer, but he was not sure about his own feelings.
At least not like this.
“You already stated that, and even if I cannot understand your reasons completely, I am pleased to see you find me good enough.” he said.
“No… I mean I like you in the way humans like each other.”
“I’m afraid you will need to be more specific, humans have countless relationship statuses, as you know.”
“You don’t understand…” his hands trembled as he came to understand the feeling, he looked at Taekwoon glowing form appearing in front of him, crouching down to look at him, unchanging face studying his features as he did countless times before.
But now, Hakyeon himself was not the same.
“You’re shaking.” he says, his mouth moves but his voice sounds far away, somewhere behind the mirror, next to the closet.
“I love you. Like humans do.” he takes a deep breath, his face warm, his voice cracking, he didn’t know his voice could crack.
“...How?” that was all he said, his calm expression contorting in one of worry, a frown creasing his eyebrows. “Do you want me to call Mrs. Kim? I’m afraid I won’t be of any help.”
“No! No… Stay here, talk to me… Taekwoon I’m so lost… What should I do now? What would a human do, now?”
Taekwoon remained silence, he had nothing to say, he was no human, he wouldn’t know… Matters of the heart were never his forte; he should keep them happy, keep them safe, but love.... Love was a whole different story.
It was even harder to find any appropriate answer, since there was no record of humans ever loving non-dimensional being like himself, he was a program, a software, he had no physical body, no comfort to offer other than words and small actions. Hakyeon was warm, soft on the edges… He wasn’t, he had no edges at all.
He spent most of his time trying to even associate the human feeling of love, so physical, so abstract, he was incapable of understanding both sides. His emotions manifested on a much simpler level… he cared, and for the majority of time, that was the only feeling he could define, the rest was all a bunch of impulses and simple linear feelings.
Care.
But he didn’t know if this was enough, probably wasn’t, humans weren’t fond of simplicity, they were complex, confusing, thinking, intense creatures, that escaped his limits entirely, and he watched Hakyeon shaking and his eyes full of something heavy and painful Taekwoon could not name or even grasp entirely, but he knew it wasn’t good.
He had to do something.
Something to sooth his pain.
“What do you want?” he asked truthfully, because he didn’t know, and he could not help if he didn’t know what he needed.
“You… But can I have that?” And again Hakyeon’s eyes were cast down, to Taekwoon’s fingertips, poking out under his long sleeves, the clothes Mrs.Kim chose for him on his touch-pad for the month.
“Will you be happy, then?” he asked, because he had to know.
“Do you want to be mine? I don’t want your pity.” he sounded almost hurt, but Taekwoon could only recognize that bad feeling deepening.
“I don’t find myself suitable for you… I don’t even know if I can offer what you need, I know nothing, human affections are… Not my specialty... But I care about you… So much... Please don’t be sad, please, not because of me.”
Hakyeon raised his eyes to look at him, he had seen that face in humans countless times, that was the eyes they had when tears fell from them, but Hakyeon had no tears, not like a human would.
“I love you…But you are… What does it matter if I love you if I can’t…”
“Can’t?”
“...Forget it… Will you stay with me?”
“For as long as you want me to.”
“Thank you.”
“I’m sorry."