Both of them needed some time. They had to get to know their feelings, accept it and finally be brave enough to confess them. It was hard to believe for everyone in their surroundings that they could be together. Joonmyun was a realist with tough character. Although he came across as a nice and obedient man he knew perfectly how to manipulate with others. He had leading and charismatic skills, he was hard-working and everyone around him felt respect towards him. Jongdae was thoughtless, he was an idealist with wide imagination that he was able to use. He always thought what if, he had his own plans and his own dreams, his aims which he wanted to achieve. He was interested in any kind of art, he adored an ingenuity and originality. Never was there a person who was able to understand him, to control him. But in spite of that everyone liked him, he was full of positive energy, he was able to make others as reckless as he was.

They met in the secondary school but they were in different grades. Joonmyun was one year elder. The moments they spent together depended on the accidental meetings that were able to change their lives more than anyone could ever expect.

They got to know during the very first meeting but unfortunately they saw their worst sides. Joonmyun’s pride was insulted with Jongdae’s carelessness and the latter was exasperated with Joonmyun’s too ordinary, too realistic way of thinking and point of view. But, as the time passed, they started getting used to each other and finally both of them ended up falling in love after knowing the latter for half a year. And Jongdae was the first to realise how he felt but the one to be brave enough to confess was Joonmyun.

Although they were each other’s opposites, they matched perfectly. Both of them knew how to control the other. When they were together it was visible in their gestures, looks and words how strong the feeling was – stronger with each passing day. It seemed that nothing would separate them.

Joonmyun graduated a year before but it didn’t mean they were separated. Both of them lived in Seoul and the elder boy went to the college in the capital city. One year after that, Jongdae managed to do the same. They were together the whole time, they decided to live together. Their relationship lasted six years but no one felt boringness or tiredness. Nothing changed. Finally, Joonmyun decided to propose to his boyfriend. The proper preparation and overcoming the fear that Jongdae could reject him lasted several months. But Jongdae needed only five seconds to make Joonmyun the happiest man in the world when, with tears of happiness in his eyes, he agreed.

After half a year they had a small wedding. They didn’t want to have a huge ceremony. But it didn’t change the fact that day they were so happy knowing that they could build their future together.

After that still, nothing changed. Some trivial fights and arguments happened more often but they showed their love more often as well. Every time they wanted to show their feelings with their actions. In spite of such a long time of being together every kiss was still a completely magnificent experience and every touch was getting to know each other from the beginning as they were making proofs of their love. It was their bliss.

When Jongdae graduated from college his results were good enough to get a well-paid job but he didn’t want it. They had money and neither Jongdae nor Joonmyun thought they needed more so Jongdae decided to work as a book editor while Joonmyun was working for one of the best companies in Korea what made them live in prosperity.

Two years passed. The company that Joonmyun was working for was growing, making some international contracts. He started working harder and harder wanting to get more promotions and a possibility to make more money. Sometimes it was hard to accommodate his work with his private life but he always tried to have the best results without damaging his marriage at the same time. But sometimes it had to happen that he came back home being exhausted and stressed, not paying attention to Jongdae but the latter wasn’t angry or sad. He understood Joonmyun and wanted to support him, not be another problem. Although sometimes there were nights when he was lying in their bed watching his husband’s tired sleeping face and regretting their life wasn’t as it had been a few years ago, after the wedding when they had just started their jobs, when they had enough free time to spend it together. But he never said anything about it, at least not openly.

When the middle of May came Jongdae wanted to do something special for Joonmyun to celebrate his birthday. He thought a lot about it but he ended up making a delicious dinner for him in spite of all the ideas he had. He wanted to take Joonmyun somewhere so they would have an amazing day together but he knew Joonmyun wouldn’t quit his job for something like that and he knew that coming after work his husband would be too tired to go anywhere. So Jongdae decided to do his best to make Joonmyun feel happy in their house.

Normally Joonmyun would be back at home at 8PM so Jongdae tried to do everything at this time. When finally everything was ready he noticed he had another fifteen minutes so he sat on the couch and took a book wanting to spend the time. He was reading for half an hour and Joonmyun still wasn’t home what made Jongdae feel nervous but he knew he shouldn’t panic. He waited another long minutes.

When it was several minutes before 9PM Jongdae was feeling anxious and then he heard his phone vibrating. Jongdae took it only to see a message from Joonmyun saying he’d be back later. Jongdae knew he shouldn’t be angry but he couldn’t help feeling sad thinking that Joonmyun could tell him before, didn’t he know that Jongdae would prepare something for his birthday?

Jongdae knew also how selfish he was having thoughts like these. Joonmyun was working hard wanting to make money so they could afford the life they had so he needed to sacrifice something but why did it have to be like that? Why did their marriage life have to feel so dead for Jongdae when his husband was doing everything to make sure he would be satisfied?

Joonmyun came back after midnight. Jongdae was still awake waiting for his husband, the food was cold and when the elder male finally came he was too tired to utter even a word to the younger male. Joonmyun went straight to the bathroom and then to the bedroom where he collapsed on the bed falling asleep immediately. Jongdae tried to pretend tears weren’t falling from his eyes as he laid down in their bed an hour later after cleaning everything and preparing himself to sleep when he wondered if there was anything like their ‘life’ anymore.

After that night nothing changed, Joonmyun was still busy as always. But Jongdae felt that they actually lost their relationship. He didn’t hide his anger or sadness anymore hoping that maybe Joonmyun would understand that his work was the reason for it but even when he said it Joonmyun still wasn’t able to realize it. He was angry at Jongdae because he had never noticed anything had been wrong, Jongdae had been smiling before even when Joonmyun hadn’t had time for him so he didn’t know why Jongdae had suddenly started to fight with him.

After stressful days at work Joonmyun wanted to rest at home but whenever he entered his house he felt the cold atmosphere that sometimes made Joonmyun decide to spend night at his work not wanting to argue anymore. But Jongdae never meant it to be like this and Joonmyun did know it was still his fault. It was the first time Jongdae started seriously think about talking to Joonmyun and trying to rescue their marriage.

Both of them tried and very often both of them failed, Joonmyun couldn’t stop working and it couldn’t stop Jongdae feeling lonely. But they did want to achieve their peace. That was before Joonmyun came back with news. He didn’t know how he felt – yes, he felt excited, but at the same time he felt nervous about telling Jongdae everything.

Jongdae was sitting in the living room writing something for his work when Joonmyun came to him exclaiming he had something important to tell him. Knowing that it was really important Jongdae stopped working as he looked at Joonmyun.

“And what is it?”

“I got a promotion,” Joonmyun said. “And also, my boss wants me to work in USA.”

Hearing it Jongdae felt like his world had collapsed. They had their life here, in Korea. They had their home, they had each other here and Jongdae wasn’t sure if he would deal with being alone, without Joonmyun beside him. No, actually he did know that he would fail. He needed Joonmyun too much.

Joonmyun knew what Jongdae was thinking and he knew that the younger male was nervous so he continued. It was clear his next words wouldn’t make Jongdae happy but surely, they would make him feel less anxious.

“I’m not going to work there forever,” he said taking Jongdae’s hand. “Actually, it’s a short period of time. After then, I’ll be back in Korea and still working here, they won’t want me to go anywhere again. I promise.”

He couldn’t promise it, he knew there would be a lot of possibilities, opportunities for him to go to USA, Great Britain, China, Japan and other countries. But his husband didn’t need to know it right then.

Jongdae was silent as he was thinking about it. A strange, unpleasant feeling rose inside his stomach. Joonmyun was going to leave him in Korea for his work. “How long?”

“Nine months.”

They had been together for nine years, married for three. And after nine years spent together they were going to be separated for almost a year, when they had just started trying to fix their relationship. Jongdae couldn’t stop tears coming to his eyes. Seeing it Joonmyun wiped them with his thumb what made Jongdae bit his lip trying to not cry. He missed the tenderness between them and now, when they could gain it back, everything was going wrong.

Joonmyun had another three months before he was supposed to leave to the USA. Although he was stressed even more thinking about leaving, he was excited as well. He didn’t have to work till night before his leaving and Joonmyun decided to spend this time with Jongdae, to make it up for him and to assure him that he would be missing the younger male, he would love him even after separation for nine months. Jongdae was afraid that Joonmyun would forget or would think that being alone is better than having him beside himself but after hearing these calming words he always believed Joonmyun.

They didn’t fight. Every day of these three months were filled with love and tenderness as Joonmyun tried to show Jongdae that everything would be alright. And Jongdae still believed.

The last night they were making love to each other trying to not think they wouldn’t be able to see and touch the other for the next few months.

“Christmas is in four months,” Joonmyun said when they were lying in their bed, cuddling. “I’ll be able to come back then. We’ll have several days for each other before I’ll have to go there again.”

Jongdae wanted to say something. He wanted to tell Joonmyun to stay there with him, not leave him, fulfil his wedding vow about being beside him for their whole lives but he couldn’t, he knew it was impossible to change it. So he tried not to sound too hurt. “Okay.”

The flight was at 5PM. Jongdae was wandering around the house helping Joonmyun pack the last things trying to not think that he wouldn’t be able to see his husband for another four months. When finally the time came both of them sat in their car and rode to the airport.

The way was silent as none of them knew what they should say so soon Joonmyun the radio and the silence was gone as the car was filled with music. Jongdae was counting minutes left with his husband.

“Call me when you’ll be there,” Jongdae said as they stopped on the parking and Joonmyun took all his belongings. “Sleep well and don’t try to overwork yourself. I made you some food for your journey and in this bag is a blanket if you want to sleep in the plane,” he looked at everything Joonmyun had and sighed wondering if he forgot to tell Joonmyun something more.

The elder male just nodded. “Don’t worry, I’ll be alright.”

“I know,” Jongdae responded but he wasn’t able to cover the concern that in his voice when he thought once again how lonely he was going to be when Joonmyun would left him. “Just… Just take care of yourself and call me as often as possible, okay?”

Joonmyun smiled. He had known how much Jongdae loved him and then he had forgotten about it, thinking only about his work. That's why, while staying awkwardly on the parking lot, he regretted forgetting it. Joonmyun wanted to make it up to Jongdae.

“I will,” he promised. “I have to go, you know, the procedures during travelling with a plane” he said rolling his eyes as Jongdae nodded.

“I’ll go with you,” the younger male answered. “I just… you know, I want to be with you as long as I can.”

“Yeah.”

Joonmyun took most of his things as Jongdae helped him carry other bags and when they were finally in the right place, they sat down and waited. Jongdae was playing with his fingers being nervous but Joonmyun stayed calm. He didn’t want to show Jongdae that he was nervous as well so his husband wouldn’t worry more than necessary.

When it was the time Joonmyun kissed Jongdae and then hugged him promising that the time would pass quickly and soon they would be together again. When they finally separated there were tears on Jongdae’s cheeks and Joonmyun was hurt that it was him who made Jongdae cry. The last time they bid their goodbyes sharing kisses and promising everything they could to themselves and to each other Joonmyun finally left.

Jongdae decided to take care of everything in their house, so when Joonmyun would come back he wouldn’t worry about anything. Jongdae wanted to make sure that Joonmyun would be impatient to come back to him. At the same time Joonmyun promised himself he would work hard for Jongdae and then, after coming back, he wouldn’t leave him anymore.

Joonmyun finally called Jongdae when it was night at Korea, an hour before midnight. Jongdae was so worried, asking about everything while Joonmyun reassured him that everything was okay indeed. Both of them didn’t want to talk because it felt how far away they were from each other but at the same time none of them was able to end the call because they still wanted to hear the other person. Finally, saying he had to go for a meeting, Joonmyun ended it leaving Jongdae with tears as he cried missing his husband.

Soon Jongdae found out it wasn’t a big change after Joonmyun left. He told himself it’s the same feeling as when he was working hard here, in Korea, going to work before Jongdae had opened his eyes and coming back after he had fallen asleep. The only difference was that Jongdae didn’t see a mess which Joonmyun made while exiting the house with shoes left in the wrong places in corridor. There weren’t dirty clothes on the floor in the bathroom after every night when Joonmyun came back from his work. There were no more notes on the fridge saying that Joonmyun would go somewhere or ask Jongdae to do something. The only thing that was left were the night calls. But even if the feeling was the same, Jongdae still couldn’t help tears when he sat down on the couch in the living room every night waiting to hear his husband’s voice.

“My name is Wu Yifan, it is a pleasure to meet you.”

“I am Kim Joonmyun, thank you for agreeing to come here.” Joonmyun bowed as he introduced himself to the Chinese man.

“It's alright,” Yifan responded. “I am glad we managed to cooperate with your company. Do you mind if I show you the building first, then we would go for a dinner, it should be at 5PM if I’m not wrong.”

“Of course not,” Joonmyun laughed. “Thank you.”

Yifan just smiled as he led Joonmyun to the door.

Joonmyun and Yifan got along very well. Soon they dropped the formalities as they became really close, spending time together making friends with each other. Joonmyun found out that Yifan spoke Korean so when they were alone and didn’t have to care about their job they were talking in Joonmyun’s native language.

For the first month Joonmyun had been finishing his work early – much earlier than in Korea – and after it he always ate dinner with Yifan and then spent time with him. But every day he called Jongdae asking him how he was and promising that the next three months would pass really soon.

Time spent with Yifan made Joonmyun feel less and less homesick and finally calling Jongdae became a duty for him, not a pleasure after missing his husband. He didn’t notice how days passed as Yifan was able to make him not think about it.

Soon they were really good friends, they were able to talk about everything and sharing advices. At first Joonmyun was afraid to tell Yifan that the wedding ring he had on his ring finger was a promise made not to a woman but to a man but Yifan only nodded saying it was okay. Hearing Yifan’s acceptance made Joonmyun feel better. Joonmyun knew he could trust Yifan all the time.

He didn’t know how it came. When Joonmyun had been there for three months there was a small party organised by his company. Joonmyun asked Yifan to come as well and he agreed. They didn’t drink too much. When Yifan saw that Joonmyun was talking with some guys from his work about some issues about their company, noticing how bored Joonmyun was, Yifan quickly came to them saying that Joonmyun was needed somewhere else and then they left.

Yifan didn’t know why after closing the door he decided to kiss Joonmyun. He knew the latter was married but Yifan didn’t bother to think about it anymore as the Korean male started responding to the kiss and then he led the other to his hotel room.

They spent the night together thinking only about each other. Joonmyun completely forgot he had husband waiting for him in his motherland. He didn’t notice when Yifan took off the wedding ring he had on his ring finger and dropped it somewhere on the floor as they were busy with making love to each other.

“It has been five days since he called me the last time.”

Baekhyun looked at his friend. Jongdae had an emotionless expression and although Baekhyun knew why he was in that situation he couldn’t stop being angry at Joonmyun for making everything so hard.

“Maybe he’s busy,” Kyungsoo suggested wanting to comfort his friend. “You said he was so busy that you didn’t see him even at home.”

“He was before” Jongdae answered. “After he left he said he was ending his work much earlier than when he had been in Korea, he’s been calling me every day for two months,” he confessed looking down at his coffee with sad voice. “After that he started calling me once every two or three days. But it’s been five now, I’m worried.”

Both Baekhyun and Kyungsoo looked at each other, the conversation was hard for them. They wanted to comfort Jongdae but it wasn’t as easy as it could seem because they knew they would never be able to comfort him completely. “You don’t think something happened to him?”

“Don’t even say that.” Hearing Kyungsoo’s voice Jongdae covered his face with his hands as the feeling in his stomach was worse and worse.

“Of course not,” Baekhyun answered. “If anything would happen to him the company would inform Jongdae. They have to inform the closest person to their worker.”

The room was silent for a while before Baekhyun spoke up again.

“What were you talking about the last time?”

Jongdae looked at Baekhyun. He tried to recall what was the last conversation with Joonmyun like and after remembering it Jongdae bit his lips. “I don’t know… It was strange,” he confessed. “I think Joonmyun didn’t want to talk to me. He tried to avoid everything I was asking him about and I felt like he wanted to end the call as soon as possible.”

Kyungsoo frowned and Baekhyun shifted his gaze at anything else trying not to think about it when he felt how uneasy it was. Looking at Jongdae again he noticed the latter was lost in his thoughts.

“Maybe he met someone?”

Baekhyun didn’t want to say it aloud – at least not so directly but he couldn’t stop himself. The thought was painful, he knew how broke Jongdae would be after that, but he couldn’t just ignore it. Baekhyun wanted his friend to be happy but if Joonmyun was cheating on Jongdae indeed Baekhyun couldn’t let Jongdae stay hurt because of his own husband.

Both Baekhyun and Kyungsoo thought that Jongdae would yell at them or cry hearing it, he was so emotional now after Joonmyun left when they tried to repair their relationship. But none of them would think that Jongdae wouldn’t change his expression. He was still looking so lost as he looked at Baekhyun, only tears in his eyes showed that there were still emotions in him.

“Maybe.”

“Christmas is in a week.”

“I know.”

Yifan and Joonmyun were lying in Yifan’s bed as Joonmyun put his head on his lover’s shoulder. It had been five days since they started their new relationship. Every day they were going out and they were spending the nights together feeling each other.

“I’m going back to Korea,” Joonmyun said as he was playing with his wedding ring thinking about Jongdae. Only five days passed but all the love, all the passion he had been feeling towards the younger male for nine years disappeared. The warmth, love and security he was longing to feel could be given to him only by Yifan.

The Chinese male looked down at his lover hugging him. He saw the worry on his face and he was concerned if the latter wanted to be with him. Because Yifan wanted it and thinking that Joonmyun was taken was unbearable. Yifan knew he was possessive but he didn’t care, he just wanted to keep Joonmyun beside himself for as long as possible.

“Are you going to tell Jongdae about us?” he asked. He wanted to hear Joonmyun was going to break up with Jongdae and then they would be together without worrying about anyone else.

“I don’t know.”

Joonmyun was lost in his thoughts thinking about the younger male. He knew how much Jongdae wanted Joonmyun to come back to him, he wanted to repair their marriage but Joonmyun didn’t want it. He wanted to stop it. Even more, he didn’t want to deal with Jongdae and with the breaking up, he wanted not to be able to see him ever again.

“He should know about it,” Yifan said. “I would want to know if my husband was cheating on me.”

“I know,” Joonmyun sighed. “But it’ll be Christmas soon and Jongdae has always loved this time of the year. I don’t want to make him sad. Anyways,” he looked at Yifan and smiled. “We still have another five months after that. Then I’ll break up with him for sure.”

Yifan smiled back as he leaned on and kissed Joonmyun passionately not noticing when his hands started exploring his body as the latter embraced him forgetting about their conversation.

But Yifan didn’t notice how unsure Joonmyun was.

Jongdae looked at his phone. The plane Joonmyun was supposed to fly with had landed a while ago and he couldn’t wait to meet his husband. Jongdae was losing his patience in the whole anxiety he felt when finally he saw the familiar silhouette.

Seeing Joonmyun after so long Jongdae couldn’t stop himself as he ran to him, hugging him tightly as he thought how long he hadn’t seen his beloved. Jongdae was breathing irregularly as if he was going to cry but he tried to be calm as he thought everything was alright, Joonmyun was beside him. Jongdae smiled slightly feeling his husband hugged him back.

The time on the airport and their ride home was silent. Jongdae wanted to talk to Joonmyun, to hear about everything and to tell him how much he missed him but Joonmyun didn’t respond no matter how Jongdae tried. So the younger decided to respect it thinking that Joonmyun had to be tired from his journey.

When they reached their house Jongdae told Joonmyun to go inside and rest as he was taking care of his husband’s baggage. When finally he was done Jongdae went to the living room seeing Joonmyun looking absentmindedly at the view outside. Jongdae sat down on the couch beside his husband putting his head on Joonmyun’s shoulder.

“Are you hungry?”

“No,” Joonmyun answered. Jongdae didn’t like the feeling when he heard how Joonmyun’s voice was bored, how it sounded indifferent. But he just smiled not wanting to think something was wrong. He smiled pretending everything was alright. “Tired?”

“Yeah.”

“Maybe you want to sleep?” Jongdae asked. “I’ll make the bed for you.”

Joonmyun looked at Jongdae. Staring at the younger male he started wondering, how even came he had fallen in love with Jongdae? Because he didn’t feel anything anymore and if he truly loved Jongdae so he even decided to marry him, it shouldn’t disappear. Not in these circumstances. Not so quickly.

“There’s no need,” he answered as Jongdae wanted to get up to go to their bedroom. “I’m just a little tired. I just want peace for a while.”

“Oh” was all Jongdae could say. He looked down trying to ignore the coldness he felt from his husband. “Do you need anything?”

“No, Jongdae” Joonmyun said exasperatedly making Jongdae look at him with worry. “I just want a bit of peace, okay? It’s all.”

Even if the part ‘so leave me alone’ stayed unspoken Jongdae knew Joonmyun wanted to say it, to show him Jongdae was the last thing he needed to see or to hear. Jongdae got up and went to their bedroom, sat down on their bed wanting to leave Joonmyun alone in the living room, to give him his space and freedom so Joonmyun didn’t have to feel the younger male’s presence.

Suddenly, pretending became so hard.

The next day was Christmas Eve.

It was the first Christmas Eve in Jongdae’s life when instead of warmth and love he felt only distance and he was desperate to break it, he was desperate to bring the happiness he and Joonmyun felt back. But it wasn’t this easy and it left Jongdae and Joonmyun arguing again, yelling at each other during the dinner. Then, Joonmyun left Jongdae heading towards the bedroom, wanting to escape the situation.

Only now Joonmyun understood how suffocating their marriage was. Joonmyun wanted to escape, forever. But he was too afraid to tell Jongdae about it.

Joonmyun had no idea how he forced himself to do it but somehow, it succeeded. The last night before he was supposed to leave again he and Jongdae had but how different it was when they did it the last time, before Joonmyun left to USA for the first time. When they did it back then both of them tried to give their all, both of them cried trying not to think about the separation but this time Joonmyun was happy. He was happy that he was leaving Jongdae for Yifan and he knew that in the next five months, he will leave Jongdae permanently.

He did his best but he wasn’t able to focus, being with Jongdae didn’t seem to be this exciting. He didn’t come and needed to finish it in the bathroom, jerking himself off with Yifan’s name leaving his lips. When he came to the bedroom again Jongdae was lying on the bed, facing the wall, the room was filled with darkness. Joonmyun thought that Jongdae was already asleep but if he tried to pay more attention, he would notice the subtle shaking of a crying person with broken heart.

When Joonmyun was leaving again both he and Jongdae hardly said anything. Joonmyun was filled with happiness and relief while Jongdae tried not to break in front of his husband, knowing that the latter wouldn’t care. Jongdae didn’t want to give up but he knew that he couldn’t do much now, he would need to wait the five months. Wanting to show Joonmyun that he still cared for their relationship he tried to kiss him for goodbye before the elder would leave but Joonmyun turned his head without noticing the shadow of disappointment in his husband’s eyes.

“We don’t have time. It’s late.”

Jongdae didn’t say anything. He tried not to show he was hurt as he just nodded, helping Joonmyun with his baggage.

When the hours passed and Joonmyun was in Yifan’s arms again he felt calm, his heart was filled with peace. He never knew he would miss someone this much, being away only for a few days. He knew that was what he wanted.

Jongdae did nothing. Literally nothing. He was on sick leave from work, not being able to focus, not being able to work at all in this condition. He knew he shouldn’t do that, he knew it was childish as he was escaping from his responsibilities but he wasn’t ready to take care of anything when his world was falling apart. But at the same time he knew that he just needed time; he wouldn’t find comfort if Joonmyun weren’t here but he would at least learn how to hide his emotions, how to live with them.

Joonmyun needed time, too. He wanted everything what he felt to last forever because for him, it was heaven: with no worries, with no bad thoughts. No guilt. At least that was what he wanted to believe as he tried desperately to forget about his mistakes, hoping that was what he needed. If only everything was so simple, if only he could be with whomever he wanted without any regrets.

“Joonmyun did come for Christmas, right?”

Jongdae nodded without saying anything. Everyone knew how bad he felt. And he knew they knew; it’s not like he was secretive about it. He just didn’t care anymore. Somehow, he had just learnt not to care.

“And what?”

The question was rhetorical. The answer was just too obvious.

“And nothing.”

Baekhyun didn’t say anything. He wanted to but he knew that it would bring only pain.

“I will come back.”

Yifan looked at Joonmyun not really understanding what the latter was talking about, waiting for an explanation. The younger had an adorable grin on his lips at the nice thoughts and it only made Yifan even more curious what Joonmyun meant.

“I mean, after I go to Korea,” Joonmyun continued aware that Yifan had no idea what he wanted to tell him. “I will talk to Jongdae. And after that I will come back, so we will be together again.”

“You mean that you will break up with Jongdae, right?” Yifan asked wanting to be sure. He knew that ‘talk’ could mean many things. “Divorce him?”

“Yes.”

Yifan smiled hearing it as he kissed Joonmyun again that evening, failing to notice that Joonmyun felt uncomfortable with the thought. But the shorter one was happy that Yifan didn’t see it; he wanted to deal with the uncertainty of how to break up with Jongdae without making him suffer this much on his own.

Joonmyun didn’t call. During the four months he was away after their last meeting, Joonmyun didn’t call, not even once. Before Jongdae would be worried as hell that something happened, he would panic wondering if there was an accident or anything making Joonmyun unable contact him. But now, even if there was also the slight fear that something bad did happen to his husband, Jongdae didn’t panic this much. Partly because he had already predicted it would be like this and partly because he wanted to protect himself from suffering. But he wasn’t able to do so.

“Jongdae,” Kyungsoo’s voice was gentle as he saw the latter’s tired figure. Jongdae was exhausted and anyone could see it. Anyone could see how pale and thin he was with dark shadows under his eyes. “It’s been four months.”

No reply. Kyungsoo sent Baekhyun a troubled look and Baekhyun bit his lips, all of it was hard for them. It was hard supporting Jongdae but both of them knew that in reality, they didn’t even feel the tenth part of the pain Jongdae did. And unfortunately, the only way to save him from this was to break him even more.

“You and Joonmyun,” Baekhyun said, his mouth was dry from nervousness. “You just didn’t last. Maybe you should let him go. He doesn’t deserve you.”

Jongdae at first didn’t respond. It was so ironic to hear that Joonmyun didn’t deserve him when all the time Jongdae had been wondering, what Jongdae had done wrong that he didn’t deserve Joonmyun. But he didn’t comment it, deciding to ignore the last part.

“I will.” His voice wasn’t shaken and it wasn’t filled with pain. Instead it was empty and emotionless.

“That’s tomorrow.”

Yifan tightened his grip on Joonmyun’s hand upon hearing these words, not wanting to let the latter go. He knew he needed to but at the same time there was something, there was the voice in his head telling him that he should stop Joonmyun, he should just keep him here, with himself, not letting him meet Jongdae, even if it was one of their last meetings.

Joonmyun smiled gently noticing how possessive Yifan would get. He liked it, as he squeezed his lover’s hand. He liked moments like these when they could just be together without anyone or anything interrupting them. But unfortunately, it was their last night like this. The next one would happen when Joonmyun would be finally free. Unmarried.

“Don’t worry,” he said, his voice didn’t lose the cheerfulness that was always there whenever Joonmyun got to spend even a little while with Yifan. “The first thing I will do when I meet Jongdae will be showing him the divorce papers.”

Yifan nodded although his expression betrayed that there was something occupying his mind making Joonmyun furrow his eyebrows.

“What? What are you worried about?”

“Jongdae will need to sign the papers to let you go,” Yifan responded with wavering voice. He hated showing that anything or anyone was his weakness. And right now, his weakness was Joonmyun. “What if he won’t want to get divorced?”

“Don’t worry. He will sign the papers once he knows that I don’t want to be with him anymore.”

The part that Jongdae would do that for him because he loved him enough to sacrifice their love stayed unsaid but Joonmyun knew about it perfectly and it still hurt him. He knew he didn’t deserve the love.

Surprisingly, it went fast. Joonmyun came home with divorce papers in his hands, not caring to even hide them when he entered the house. When Jongdae saw them, he said nothing. He understood everything without even talking to Joonmyun and it surprised the latter, as he waited nervously for his husband to sign the papers. And soon, it was done. During it they said nothing to each other. Joonmyun didn’t even know what to say because ‘I want to leave’ seemed to be too cruel and ‘I’m sorry’ didn’t seem to be enough. On the other hand Jongdae didn’t even know what to say so he wouldn’t look like an idiot in Joonmyun’s eyes. The one who was his husband and the one who soon would become just a stranger.

After a few weeks, it was over. Both of them were free again. They didn’t argue about their belongings, Joonmyun was willing to leave Jongdae anything the latter wanted. Jongdae felt uncomfortable and he wanted to take as little as possible but Joonmyun insisted otherwise. He was going to leave to USA after all, he wouldn’t need the house or the car they had here and finally, Jongdae agreed, although he didn’t feel much convinced.

The last thing that Jongdae told Joonmyun was to take care of himself. The last thing Joonmyun said was that he would. He wanted to apologize but the words couldn’t find the way through his throat. He wanted to tell Jongdae to take care as well but he couldn’t do it at the same time, it would remind him that after all, he still wanted Jongdae to be fine because he still cared for him. And it made him feel too much pain.

Two hours after their last meeting Joonmyun was on the airport again, waiting for his flight, impatient to be with Yifan again, while Jongdae found himself at home again.

Lonely, again.