After so many autums,summers,springs and winters.....i am here.You are here!...
With my heart beating so fast and a huge sadness in my soul,i slowly lay on the cold grey wall.
I touch it with my cheek and caress it a little with my cold hands like it was something special.
 - Behind this wall....it is you.i mummbled with melancholy.Behind this wall..it is you,the person that is my world.
But how could i go  on the other side of this wall?
Now you are so close and even so,so far away from me.

 My cousin ,last night throw her purse on the sofa with a unpleasant expression on her face.
She had a new job as a journalist.
 - Can you believe that they gave me the job to take an interview to some asian guy that is very famous?Damm! Why it had to be me?You know how much i dislike these asian people!
 - A famous asian? i asked with curiousity while i was cleaning the table in the kitchen.
 - Yes...she respond with a tired tone streching her hands.Some singer and actor...His name...what?.. i gotta remember it...hmmm....Kim Jaejoong or something like that.
I don't wanna go tomorrow! she complained before heading to the bathroom to take a long bath.
I stoped like a statue....
Did my ears heard the right name?Is this really happening?Jaejoong?So close to me?In the same town as me?Kim Jaejoong...indeed?
I felt a small short pain in my heart.Was this pain of joy or actually it was panic?
I had to see you,i had to meet you no matter what.

Next morning i was there,because i knew from my cousin where you would be...it is here where i layed on this wall.I can;t come in because i don't have an invitation.Can i sneak out? i wonder now watching the gloomy sky that looks so heavy.As heavy as my eyes that are about to start to cry.
I need to see you!...
I managed to sneak inside.
There were so many people..Everyone looked exited and with a scared look i tried to find you with my eyes until they found you..and after that,the world stoped for a moment.
My eyes couldn't believed it.It was indeed you,there few meters away from me,giving your amazing so warmth smile and then you laughed covering your moulth.
My heart started to beat like a crazy.I wanna talk to you no matter what,i wanna feel you more close,Jaejoong ssi.
You were talking with a woman in that moment and i made few steps towards you.
Like a magic you looked  straight,exactly where i was and your eyes found mines.
Suddenly your face becomes so serious.
I wonder why you look at me like this?We do not even know each other for real.Can you feel it?Can you see into my eyes how much i need you,how much i need just for a moment to be there,so close to you.Can you see i'm a fan of yours indeed?
Your deep,serious look gives me shivers but with hesitated footsteps i come slowly more closer to you.
 - What took you so long?i heard from you.
 I was so confused that i couldn't say anything.And in my confusion i just wispered your name.
 - Jaejoong oppa.....I...
So weird.Why my eyes cannot see and why i feel them so heavy?
Suddely tears are falling from my eyes.Why?
Why do i cry?Are these tears or joy or tears of sadness,because in that moment i felt a huge sadness.
It took me so long to get to you,isn't it?
Then you come more closer to me and you took me by the hand.
 - Come! you said like demanding it to me,but on such a gentle tone.I couldn't do anything just to follow you.
This is how we should be?Holding hands?Or better said ,you holding my hand and guide my way cause i'm somone weak and i need you there next to me to guide me.
And even so,the sad feeling that i was having wasn't gone.
My heart knew that soon you will be gone.

I end up in a apartament and i was looking at you with a look that was showing that i couldn't understand why from all the places you brough me here.
You stretched your arms with a sweet smile.
 - Aaaahhh! This is good.I need some relaxiation,to get rid of everything for one day.I want to lose just one day of my life not doing anything.
I was a little amazed thinking that maybe you are joking but when i saw that you took the tv remoter and sit on the bed,i understood that maybe indeed this is what you want:to get rid of the crazy world you are in to.
With shyness,seeing that there was nothing else to do,i sat next to you on the same bed.
I wanted to concentrate on what you were watching but i couldn't stop thinking that actually you are next to me.So close,in such a simple way,a feeling that was so warm ans so beautiful like beeing around you i was protected by everyone and everything.
Can we stay like this forever?Can time stop forever for me?
 - I feel so lucky to be today with you oppa.i thought before a weird,silly smile to appear on my lips.
You saw that and you smiled back even maybe you thought of a diferent reason of my silly smile.

Your cellphone started to ring.You looked at it with a frowned expresion.Seeing that the one that was trying to talk to you was insisting ,you answered.
From what i understood it was your manager and he was upset that you left that convention trying to make you to come back.You seemed upset as you wanted to get rid of everything just for few days,to be allowed to breathe and live like a normal person and not as an artist.
Jaejoong ssi,you didn't wanted to go back.
You closed your cellphone and put it on a neglected way on a table.
 - I want ot be egoist for one day.Is this really that bad?you said.
I was happy,cause you choosed to stay in here,with me even if i didn;t talked to you too much.I was so afraid somehow to not say foolish things in my enthusiamm.
 - You indeed need rest oppa.You look tired.i said with shyness.
- You don't think i'm a egoist artist?you asked me while you came close to me.Just in that moment i saw how tall you were.It was a little intimidating but it was ok,because it was you.
 - No,you are not,beside beeing a artist the most important fact is that you are a simple human as well.
You pouted your lips and lay down on the bed while you closed the tv.
I smilied amuzed when i saw how fast you falled asleep.slowly i layed next to you and watched you like this.
You looked so peaceful like this.I heard your slow breath and felt it on my face.
You are alive! Indeed you are and more important was that you were next to me.
I  wish to see you like this forever.Such a simple person,someone so beautiful and for me what it was the most beautiful at you,wasn't your perfect features,it was your voice,your kindness that i could felt it so clearly,your simplisity.
After all Jaejoong ssi is just a simple,normal person.I thought while my eyes were getting more heavy.I was about ot close them when i felt an arm around my waist.I opened my eyes and i saw your arm and you more closer to me.For a second i panic.How can two strangers can be so close in such a short time?But you were still sleepying.
 - I'm such a silly person.i laughed.
My nose were tikled by a nice smell..your parfume.
I was surprised that your parfume was not the way i was expecting:something very rafinate,expencive,complicated.
It was a elegant,soft and somehow simple smell.
I loved it.Once more you surprised me with something i thought wrong about you.
Now i was even more closer to you.It was ok,because like this i thought you could protect me from the whole world.You were my protector.
I was amazed how warm can be your body...You are alive,Jaejoong ssi.
So alive,so peaceful and your arms around me in silence with no words.And like this,feeling the warm of yuor body i falled asleep.

A noise woke me up,You woke up as well and looked confused for a moment around.
The walls were shaking..How can this be?
You took my hand very fast and we run on the hallway.An earthquake?...A big earthquake?Now?
We had to get out,but i wasn't really that scared because you were there with me holding my hand so tight.
We will make it! I will make it with you next to me.
Cause you can protect me from everything like i said before.
But we werent alone.The other people from the huge building went into panic and were screaming,runing on the hallway with the same destination like us:to get out faster from that building.
Everyone were pushing and you were left a little behind.When i felt that you let go of my hand,i looked back at you with a terrified look.
I don't want to be lost from you!
But you gave me a short smile saying loud so that i could hear you in all that noise:
 - It's ok.Go! I am behind you.
I didn't wanted to leave you,no matter what.No matter what will happen we will get out both of us from here or non of us.
I refused to leave you behind.So i tried to streched my hand to reach you once more but you were left behind.Way to far away from me.I coudn't cath your hand and i went to panic wanting to return after you.
People were pushing me outside and i end up screaming your name.
I usually i do not scream,i am someone cold that tries to keep her calm somehow but this time it was too much for me.
All i could hear was my voice screaming on and on your name and without realizeing ,i end up out of the building.I ran away a little far and turn my back to see if from that sea of people you will come as well.
I was waiting for you so unpaciently.But you weren't and suddenly the buillding turned into just dust.It crashed a part of it leaving the other part very unstable.
This is not happening!...I put my hands on my head and i tried very hard to keep somehow a little part of my calm that was just panic.I looked around,maybe you are here somewhere,but all i could see where buildings that were crushed,people screaming,crying,runing.People that were injured,ambulances,firemens...everything turned into a chaos.
I looked at the buidilng and with fast steps i wanted to get in.I had to find you! But 3 young women that were into my face stoped me.
- Where do you think you will go?Are you insane?The building will crush in any second,you cant go there.
- I need to find Jaejoong.
 - Whoever you wanna look it is impossible.No one got alive from there.

I refused tu believe that.But then my eyes saw some firemens caring few people and leaving them on the cold streed.I came close and looked.Suddenly one of the bodies that was covered with a grey sheet took my attention,like in silence was calling for me.
My hands were shaking so hard while slowly i discovered the body.
My heart frozed and i couldn't see well because heavy tears were falling from my eyes.I wiped them fast so that my vision can become more clear,to try to lie to myself  that i was mistaken.
Reality was cruel through,because indeed it was you.

You were..DEAD. Just your silent body that was laying on the dusty street.I touched your hair that was dirty now,having a weird grey nuance insteed of that beautiful dark black.You face looked so pale and it gave me the feeling that you were still sleeping.Just that this time your expresion wasn't peaceful,just very sad somehow.
Your face was so dirty as well.The beautiful skin was covered by the dust.You weren't like this! I had to give you the same beauty you had.With my sleeve of what it used to be my white shirt,now having a ugly colour mixed with grey and red,i was trying to clean your face.On your face tears where falling on your nose,cheeks,lips...those were my tears and i was trying so hard to wipe them.I didn't wanted like your face to be dirty!
I will never hear your voice,i will never hear your laugh and i will never see your smile.
I mumbled without beeing heard your name.I had no power to make any sound.All i could do was crying.
If i could have tried even more hardder to get back through those people to be able to get to you,maybe you would have been saved somehow....
I don't want a world without you.So please,open your eyes and tell me that is just a horrible joke.
You were so cold though.Your body was becoming more and more cold.This is not you! You used to be warm.I remember really well how warm your body used to be.So i layed next to you,on the cold,dirty street.I puted my head close to yuor neck while i was ramping my arms around you.I holded you so tight because i didn;t wanted like you to go away.I only wanted like you to be here.
But you weren't anymore.All was left from you behind..so sad...was just your cold lifeless body.
I couldn't stop crying.If only my tears could bring you back to life!...Please be alive.If you die,i die.I can;t be into a world without you,even if you are far away from me,i just want like you to be ok.

A fireman that was pasing by next to us gaved me a compasion glance.Maybe he thought i am crazy but i really didn't cared at all about what was around me,because ,so suddenly i end up in a world without you.I didn't wanted that world,i hated that world from all my heart because it was ugly and cold just like the ciment under us right now.
I want you back.Don't go away!
Another shadow and siluete i saw it after i layed there down like that next to you for hours.I wanted to warm you somehow.I didn't wanted like you to be cold,I didn't wanted like you to feel the coldness at all.I wish i could protect you.I feel so useless now,because i can't bring you back.All i can do is staying here until your body will be gone.
The siluete took my hand trying to obligate me in a gentle way to rise up from there.
I didn't wanted to leave you,but slowly my body was standing up staring at you with eyes without life.Seeing you like this was painful.You were too silent.
The same hand that made me stood up,caressed my hair.It was warm.Somehow alike yours,like your hand used to be.Without wanting , i turned slowly my eyes to the person that was looking at me with a huge sadness and compasion.
Tears from my eyes started to fall.I couldn't talk.He embracced me and i rested my head next to his left shoulder.it was a friend that tried to confort me.
It was Junsu.....
And the world stoped to exist after that.Because indeed you were gone.
A world without you..it;s nothing for me.It's no world.


I hear with echo your voice...The same voice i know,gentle,beautiful,deep....It gives me a warm feeling.So warm as your gentle embrace.A smile is on my lips and slowly i open my eyes......
The voice...It was..The Story has just Begun.My alarm...I closed my cellphone alarm and i start to stare at the white ceeling and walls from the room.
It's early...A world without you Jaejoong ssi.It was a dream?..Really?
We didn't met,but it felt so so real.How thankful,because that means you are alive.
It is a world with you.I'm so happy.I sighed reliefed and i prepared myself  for another day,a hard day full of worries,lonleyness.Another day far away from you but at least a world in which you exist.
I look at the very gloomy sky while my steps are in a hurry.
Dreaming that someone that you know died,in my country means that the death of that person died.The meaning is that that person will have a long life.I  so pray for that Jaejoong oppa.I want a long long life like you to have and lots of health.I hope so.
I wonder how are you today,my Jaejjong ssi?Geuncha na yo?Are you ok?Even if we are so far away on the other part of this world,with oceans and seas that separates us,your voice can still reach me so clearly.
You are my salvation in this horrible life i have.
.The nightmare did scared me a lot and showed me how is a world without you,a world that i would never want.I pray every day for you wishing you the best and beg God to bless you because you are someone so important for me,even if i'm just a silly fan...
I smile while i run to catch the train.Another day so far away from you....
Indeed....but maybe someday will exist a day with you.....