12. Just go

"Hanbin was arrested" it was the only thing Jinhwan was able to say, and Bobby couldn't help but feel a burning sense of guilt develop inside him. 
"Jiwon, please..." it sounded like a plea, "what do you want from me?" Jinhwan looked him straight in the eye hoping that he would stop trying to get back something that maybe he could no longer give him.

"There is still a chance for me?" Bobby asked him a second time, "I want another chance, that's all what I want".

"Hanbin was arrested, don't you understand?" Jinhwan was getting angry, "what kind of person would I be if I abandoned him right now?”.

"A person who is in love with someone else!" Bobby exclaimed moving his hands down his arms, until he get to hold him by the shoulders.

"You don't know how it was difficult to live without you!" Jinhwan's voice was no longer calm and controlled because of the pain that came to the surface along with those memories.

"But I know how it was difficult to live without you" Bobby replied leaving him speechless, “you broke up with me, you stopped to visit me in prison, and then chose him instead of waiting for me!" he didn't suppress a disgusted grimace at the thought of them together while he was behind bars.
Bobby's eyes became harder like a stone. He just wanted to be with him, with the man he loved.

"It wasn't his fault" Jinhwan tried to defend Hanbin, "he rejected me at first because he didn't want to take me away from you".

"Liar!" Bobby shouted, unable to accept the truth that Jinhwan was telling him, "he has always been in love with you!".

"He would never have betrayed you!" also Jinhwan in that moment couldn't help but shout in his face.

"You know what I think?" Bobby's eyes grew darker, "I think he was just waiting for the right time to be able to have you just for himself!" those bitter words came out of his soaked mouth full of anger hidden for too long.

"You're wrong" Jinhwan shook his head vehemently, "if you want to blame someone, then take it with me. It's my fault, only mine".

"It's easier to hate him rather than hate you" Bobby admitted swallowing hard.

"Jiwon, please!" Jinhwan tried to free himself from his grip but the more he tried and the more Bobby didn't let him go.

"Tell me you don't think of me, tell me you don't love me, tell me you don't want me" Bobby said decided as he had ever been, "but if you still love me even a little..." he never finished that phrase.
Their faces were very close, so close that Jinhwan could feel Bobby's breath crashing against his skin.

Bobby pushed him roughly against the wall, kissing him with an immense desire, as if to devour the lips through those possessive kisses. Jinhwan took his face in the hands, the kiss became deeper.

"I will not share you with anyone else, I want you to be mine. Only mine” Bobby parting from him just long enough to catch his breath, "and I don't want to be a mistake, no matter what happens tonight between you and me".
"Don't break my heart again" it was a low murmur barely audible but Jinhwan heard it anyway.

"Don't talk" Jinhwan said with eyes lost in his, intent on looking at him as if to keep alive the memory of what he was experiencing – whatever it was, it was powerful.

Bobby began to kiss him as his hands became more greedy, more needy. He dared to touch him all over with lust, eagerly, impatiently. Being afraid his precious and beloved Jinhwan could be gone the instant later, he did it in a rush. All his actions were guided by an impetus, a mix of passion and even fear.
He surrounded in his arms putting the hands at first around his waist and then on his to lift him a bit and to help Jinhwan to wrap his legs around him.

"You're just like I remembered" Jinhwan smiled.

Bobby steadied him and made him still bumping once on the wall continuing to kiss him. He let their bodies adhered to each other and it all got an electric shock that ran through every fiber of their being. Without ever stopping to kiss him as if he had the fear that the magic that bound them could shatter, Bobby took him to the room and made him lay on the same bed on which Jinhwan had made love countless times with Hanbin.

"No, just..." Jinhwan said hardening his lips, "I can't..." he looked around, and everything reminded him of his Hanbin.
"I can't do this to him" Jinhwan whispered, "I can't do this to Hanbin, he doesn't deserve it".

"But what about me?" Bobby looked into his eyes and sank his fist into the mattress, "do I deserve what you have done to me? I should hate you" he said with contempt and looked at him angrily.
It was as if there was a flame inside of him lighting up the soul, made him glow with an indescribable force. Bobby had always been so, but now it was even more so. Jinhwan wanted to burn with him, and perhaps they would be burned together again. Both. In unison.

"Then hate me..." Jinhwan replied doing to turn around but Bobby didn't allow him.

"I've already tried but I just can't" Bobby couldn't help but smile so a bit sad, "give me something to remember forever".
Bobby gave him a kiss on the lips, it was different. Slower, gentler, more romantic. His fingers entwined in his hair extricating between them.

"Jiwon..." Jinhwan called him by repeating his name several times, "Jiwon..." he said between sighs and arched toward him by crashing their bodies.

"I love you so much" Bobby confessed without expecting to be told "I love you too" by him.

Jinhwan couldn't really believe he loved them both the same way and with the same intensity: it wasn't possible, it couldn't be. He had to figure out what he felt and for who, if even for Bobby or Hanbin.

At one point, Bobby stopped. He lifted his face and he stood still, motionless. Although the desire to have him was strong, the love he felt for him it was perhaps even more.
"You know..." Bobby began to speak with a half smile, "I always wondered how it would be if I hadn't ended up in jail".
All in Bobby had undergone a sudden change. His voice started to vibrate, his hands were shaking and his eyes were shiny. To be reunited with his Jinhwan had been his nightmare and his dream for ten long, endless years.

"We would have been happy" Jinhwan said with certainty, "and I'd be very happy with you. You would have made me so happy".
Jinhwan moved some of the wavy hair strands discovering Bobby's forehead to better see his face.

"Can you pretend to love me? Just a little? Just for tonight?" Bobby had never begged in his life and it was absurd that he should pray to be loved as he deserved.

"Don't say that" Jinhwan touched his lips with his own.

Bobby didn't want Jinhwan was his only half, and the other piece belonged to another man – specifically to Hanbin. He wanted him to be only his, that there was nowhere else for him in his life, in his mind and in his heart. He wanted to be the only one for Jinhwan.
"I wish everything was as before" Bobby admitted feebly.
As he kissed him, Bobby realized that things weren't remained the same for Jinhwan. He was stuck in the past, in a dream turned little by little into a nightmare, but not Jinhwan. He hadn't done it.

Jinhwan took his hands and led them on himself.
"Jiwon" Jinhwan interrupted him, "I want you to touch me" he said with a great desire to be with him, so he took his hands and led them on himself, everywhere.

"Like this?" Bobby asked touching him hesitantly.

"I want you to kiss me" Jinhwan said smiling, and Bobby did.
"I've missed so much all this, I missed you so much" Jinhwan said into thinking of how ten years ago he was so sure the two of them could have a future together.

"What did you miss the most?" Bobby smiled showing his teeth.

"Your smile" Jinhwan promptly replied, "and your voice, and your hands, and all of you" he added later rubbing his nose against his
Jinhwan kissed him. At first, their lips touched just as if they were terrified by the idea of being separated again. When Jinhwan's fingers slipped under his hoodie, he felt his tension and stiffness.
"I'm sorry..." Jinhwan apologized immediately retracting his hand, "you don't have to do it, Jiwon, not unless you want it too".

"Trust me, I want to but..." Bobby said talking slowly, "it's just that..." he didn't feel ready, not after what had happened to him.
Inwardly, Bobby was aware that it was now or never.

"You don't have to, we don't have to" Jinhwan squeezed against him, "it is too early, you aren't ready yet" he kissed his forehead gently.

"And if there wasn't another night like this?" Bobby asked, "and if this was our one and only night in order to be together again? There will not be another one, I know you have already chosen him, I know you don't love me like you used to before".
Jinhwan never said anything about it, he didn't utter a sound, not even a single word. After all the suffering that Bobby had to endure would be unfair to delude him and tell him "I still love you", because it wasn't the truth. What Jinhwan did was limited to hug him and to give him another kiss on the lips that didn't seem a "I will always love you" but rather a "goodbye my love".

Bobby leaned his head on his chest and eyes narrowed. He kept listening to the slow, regular breathing of Jinhwan getting increasingly heavy on, and the sound of his heartbeat on which his ear was laid. It was nice, and Bobby felt better even though nothing was as before, although what once there was between them to Jinhwan had changed turning into something else. Between Bobby and Jinhwan was left all outstanding after their relationship being brutally broken by a series of unfortunate events: it wasn't their fault, it wasn't anyone's fault, it wasn't depend on either of them and ultimately it was terribly cruel.
But while life went on for everyone, including Jinhwan, Bobby's didn't. He was interrupted, remained anchored to a dream, he was living in a past that couldn't be repeated in any way. Jinhwan didn't belong to him anymore, though still Bobby belonged to him.

Jinhwan fell asleep and in his sleep he called Hanbin's name without realizing it. Bobby's eyes widened, he rolled over and went away from him creating some proper distance. He cried, he did it very quietly not to be heard either by him and perhaps even from himself.
Bobby wondered how many times a heart could be broken by the same person and co