I hit Lay on his arm while my other hand rubbed my forehead.

"Why are you hitting me?"

"Because you flicked too hard." I stuck out my tongue at him.

"You told me to give all I got," he retorted.

"Aish!" I pretended to wanting to hit him and he flinched before he burst out laughing.

"Okay, okay. I'm sorry. Want me to kiss your forehead like earlier?" He teased as he leaned forward.

I immediately pushed his forehead, feeling my cheeks flushed. Why was I even flushing? "No thanks, you weird bag of chips!"

He just cackled at that while I prayed my cheeks didn't turn pink. I didn't understand what get into him earlier to suddenly and casually kiss the top of my head like it was the most normal thing to do- which according to him was indeed normal for best friends who see each other as siblings to do. 

"Here." I handed him the deck of cards. "You shuffle it."

"Hey! But I won," he complained.

"Fine!" I gave in with a pout and shuffled the cards.

It's game night for us. We had been doing this for the past year just because we wanted to and we could and we're cool like that. Ha! We always hung out together, and we thought it was getting boring that we only went to cafes or the mall or his house or my house and just chit chat or watch movies. That was why we invented the monthly game night for us. Basically we just play any kinds of games or board games. And speed card was the game for today.

We were in my bedroom, sitting on the floor. My sister was in her room, probably studying for her upcoming midterm exam, and my parents most likely wouldn't come back until dinner time. My dad was still in the office, and my mom was visiting her friend. They had no problem with Lay and I hanging out just the two of us in my room because - hey!- it's Lay we're talking about here. Of course! Who was I kidding? Mom even let him be the one to wake me up sometimes. And I honestly couldn't imagine us doing anything in my bedroom other than talking, playing board games, or watching movies. Ew. No way!

"You've been smiling a lot today." He stated with a smile as I divided the cards between us. "Something good happened?" He asked and I just shrugged, but I found myself trying to hide a smile.

I was pretty sure Lay noticed it because he let out a scoff, but I was glad he didn't prod any further. It was something I would like to keep to myself. The truth was I got the sticky notes again today along with a snack bar. 

I had been receiving snack bars, chocolates, gummy bears, or sometimes a can of coffee left on my usual table at the library for the past one and a half years. There was always this silly drawings attached to the snacks that always brought a smile to my face. I didn't get them every day though. Just every week or every two weeks or sometimes at random timing. But the sticky notes were a different thing. I started receiving them a few months ago and I found them almost everyday. The sticky notes always contained these words of encouragement and praise. They honestly flattered me. Now the thing was I didn't even know who the sender was. But I was pretty sure the snacks and sticky notes came from the same person. The person might think that buying snacks was more costly than writing messages on sticky notes.

I know, surprising right? I couldn't believe I actually had a secret admirer! Or maybe the person was just someone who pitied me, or empathized with me because I was pretty much a loner without Lay or Hwayoung. Plus, though the chance was little, there was a possibility that the person might be a girl right? Okay, that would actually be weird.

Anyway, I finally won the game this round. Woohoo! The queen of speed card is in the house, y'all! Okay, sorry for that self-praising. It was just that I rarely- oh so very rarely (read: never!)- won against Lay in this game. So it was a miracle to be celebrated! 

"Asa!" I rolled up my sleeves and Lay chuckled. I readied myself to flick his forehead and he willingly held up his hair bang to display his forehead.

He squeezed his eyes bracing for the impact. He winced when I flicked his forehead and I giggled.

"Okay, now that you've won, can we watch a movie already?" He suggested as he stood up and dropped himself on my bed instead.

I frowned. "Why? I still wanna play. I've just beaten you once." I pouted.

He shrugged. "Just thought that cuddling with you would be better."

"What the!" I laughed and gave in. "You're such a baby sometimes. But alright." I stood up and walked to the drawer on which the TV sat. I opened the drawer and tada! Rows of DVDs were presented before me. "So what should we watch?"

"You choose." He stood up from my bed and walked to the door. "I'll go get us some snacks."

Since it was up to me, I chose an action-comedy movie. Johnny English it was! I settled myself on the bed, leaning my back on the headboard. Minutes later, Lay came in again with some bags of chips. He settled beside me and after he opened a bag of chips, I pressed the play button on the remote control.

Halfway through the movie, we finished the chips and I leaned back on him and rested my head on his chest as usual. He had an arm wrapped around my shoulders. 

I know what you're thinking, but no. We're not that. This was very normal for best friends to do. Or at least, that was what we always did.

"Jum Jum," he called.

"Hm?" I hummed as my eyes were still on the movie.

"I think we should make a cuddle night too."

I snorted. He was being random again. "Do we have to schedule this too?" I referred to our current position.

He chortled at that. "Yeah, you're right. That idea was stupid."

I smiled and we went back to focusing on the movie. 

"Jumie! Lay! Come down and have dinner!" We heard my mom's voice called us not long after.

I reached for the remote and paused the movie while Lay had gotten off my bed. We walked down the stairs and when we entered the dining room, Mom greeted us while preparing the table.

"I bought us dinner." She smiled. "You don't mind not having home-cooked dinner, do you?" She asked Lay as we both took a seat.

"Of course it's okay, Auntie!" Lay beamed at Mom.

"Hey, didn't I tell you to call me Mother instead?" Mom pouted a little and I rolled my eyes. "Sooner or later you'll be my son-in-law anyway."

"Mom!" My palm landed on the table. I groaned while Lay and Mom just laughed.

"Should I propose to her right now... Mother?" Lay snickered.

I gasped and slapped him on his chest. "You're seriously not helping."

"I think I just got rejected, Mother," he said through his wince while rubbing his chest, but I hit him again.

"Rather than assaulting your soon-to-be-husband why don't you call your sister to come down, sweetie?" Mom told me with a grin.

"Okay, Mom." While sliding off the chair to stand up, I clicked my tongue and narrowed my eyes on the still chuckling Lay.

I went up to call my not-so-little-anymore sister, Minjung. Just like Hwayoung, my sister was considered as a goddess in her school. Though she's not as loud and cheery as Hwayoung, she's pretty and got that body of a model. C'yeah. Makes you wonder how come I wasn't like her, huh? Sometimes I had a crazy thought that maybe I was adopted. We both looked nothing alike (our opinions by the way). The only thing that made us look similar appearance-wise were our glasses. But even geeky eye glasses would look like model's accessories on her while they would look like...- well - plain glasses on me. However, photos and video documentation of my birth- and my resemblance to my dad- ruled out my crazy thought.

Anyway, after fetching my sister, we went down and found Dad entering the house. We all settled down on our chairs and started passing the food before digging in. Ah.. Family dinner- with the addition of Lay that is. But he was already considered a family, so yeah. Conversations on random topics were exchanged. Mom talked about her visit to her friend, Minjung talked about her upcoming exams which led Lay to ask what major she would take later after graduating high school, and Dad talked with Lay about planning on going fishing next week. And what did I talk about? Well, nothing. I'm a good listener. So, I just did what I'm good at: listen and shut my mouth tight. Well, of course I threw in some comments too or laughed along when they did. Cause, hey, I wasn't a statue either.

The conversation went on and Dad just had to ask the most cliched question that every youth who's still single (read: I, Yoon Jumie) hated to hear. At least, the question wasn't directed to me. Oh well's.

"So, Lay, have you found anyone to be your girl? You're graduating soon right?"

Lay chuckled. "Yes I'll be graduating this year, Uncle."

"Father," Mom corrected.

"And about finding the girl?" Dad pressed.

"Oh, honey!" Mom slightly slapped Dad's arm while giggling. "He doesn't need to find a girl." Dad quirked an eyebrow and I narrowed my eyes at Mom, knowing where this was going. "He's going to be our son-in-law, is he not?" Mom laughed and Dad laughed along, nodding his head.

"I so agree!" Minjung grinned.

I glared at her and she just stuck out her tongue at me. I glanced at Lay from the corner of my eyes and found him trying hard to hold in his grin too.

"Anyway," Dad continued and turned to Lay after his laughter slowly came to a stop, "you should come with us this weekend. We're going on family outing." 

My ears perked up at that and I internally squealed. We always went on a family outing every month. We took turns to choose the destination too. This month I got to choose. And last week I told my parents that we should go to Mokpo. There would be art fair and book fair there. What a dream come true for me!

"Yeah," Mom chimed in, "and we decided to go to the camping site this week," she cheerfully announced and I felt as if the rocket of enthusiasm inside of me was falling down to a crash when it had just launched a few seconds ago.

I frowned and looked down at my food. Mom continued to excitedly tell Lay her plans for our weekend getaway. I could feel him side-eyeing me from time to time, but I chose to ignore it.

They forgot my suggestion. Again. Honestly, this was why I didn't talk much. People tend to take in my words from one ear only for those words to went out from the other ear. I love my family like A LOT, but sometimes I found myself shying away even from them. Yes, I got to be more of myself with them rather than just being the Queen of Silence like I was at the campus, but sometimes I felt I still couldn't be my true self even with them. I couldn't fully voice out my mind even to my family. Did I even have a voice?

"Right, Jumie?" Mom asked me with a grin and I lifted my head in surprise.

"Huh?" What did she ask me? Was she talking about something? "Oh yeah," I decided to answer with a smile though I didn't even know what she was talking about. But whatever it was, it seemed like I gave the right answer because Mom was grinning wider and clapping her hands.

I surprised myself when I suddenly stood up, earning questing looks from the others.

"Where are you going?" Dad asked with raised eyebrow.

"Oh! Uhm." I scratched my neck. " I just remembered I had an assignment to finish, Dad. May I go ahead to my room?"

Dad and Mom nodded with a sigh and I excused myself, noticing Lay's questioning look. Once in my room, I opened my window and climbed out of it to sit on the roof. I often spent my time here when I wanted to clear my mind. And Lay often joined me when he's around.

I looked up at the starless night sky and found only the moon. Sometimes I felt like the moon. You know... Shining alone and sometimes taken for granted. People would go gaga when they see the sky full of stars, but they would sometimes just waved it as uninteresting when they only see the lonely moon giving its shine.

Alright, sorry for being emo just because of a weekend getaway. But it wasn't really because of the destination of the outing, it was how I was slowly breaking inside. I didn't want to feel this way. Yet, I think I had come to a point of even forgetting how to voice out what was really inside my heart.

I wasn't always like this actually. I was once very confident in saying what's in my mind. Until that one day I lost my best friend, and every confidence I had went down the drain. Oh, she's still alive and well. She as in my best-I meant- ex best friend. So once upon a time, I had this childhood best friend. We grew up and I moved out of town when I finished elementary. But we promised to keep in touch and stay best friends. Of course, we didn't really used handphone as much as nowadays back then, so we kinda lost contact. But I kept that promise. 

I still thought of her and sometimes boasted about her as my best friend. We met again during our last year in high school. She was still good to me, but I knew something was different between us. I was the only one thinking of her as my best friend while I was just a childhood friend to her. She had new best friends now.

Thanks to advanced technology, we had social medias to know each other's lives. But as I said, she already had new best friends she shared secrets with. I realized I didn't really know her anymore. She never even contacted me if I didn't start contacting her first though we had each other's contacts. I found myself slowly crawling into my shell, shutting myself from the world. When we shared stories of the past, I was mostly the one retelling it while she went "We did that?" or "Really? I didn't remember" over a laugh. It honestly hurt more than seeing your crush dating someone else. Well at least, it felt like that to me. I guessed one-sided friendship exists too.

I was startled by a knock on the window. When I turned my head to look back, I found Lay smiling at me while climbing out the window to sit beside me.

"I thought you have an assignment to work on," he stated with his dimpled smile and I just shrugged looking back up at the moon. 

We stayed silent just watching the moon for awhile before he broke the silence.

"You should've told them your opinion, you know," he gently said. I looked down on my lap and played with my fingers. He continued, "You've been telling me about that art and book fairs down at Mokpo. That's where you guys supposed to go, ain't it right?" 

I sighed, still looking down. "It doesn't matter. Camping sounds fun too." I forced a smile.

"But the fairs will only last for this month right?"

"I can go there some other time. Next year maybe." I shrugged, trying to play it cool. But I forgot I was facing a prosecutor who could read me like an open book here.

"I know you're not okay," he stated, giving a smile that didn't reach his eyes. "It wouldn't hurt to say your mind once in a while, you know?"

"Like it matters." I looked away with a frown.

"It does." He suddenly sounded serious and when I looked back at him, he was looking at me like as if he could see right into my soul. "Your thought, your opinion, your heart - they matter. They are important, Jumie."

Sometimes, I wished everyone was like Lay, so that I didn't have to say what I wanted to say. This guy could read me even when I felt clueless of myself. 

I could only blink at him before I found my voice again. "Yixing," I suddenly felt like calling him by his real name, "will you...eventually leave me one day? Will you change?" I asked hesitantly.

He seemed taken aback by my sudden questions. "Haven't we gone through this before?" He asked over a chuckle.

I shrugged and brought my gaze up to the moon again. I suddenly felt his arm around me. When I whipped my head toward him, I found his face just a few inches away from mine. His dimpled smile was decorating his face as his eyes held my gaze.

"Yoon Jumie," he spoke so gently my heart trembled. Wait, what? Why did I feel that? "How many times do I have to tell you that I won't leave you? Change is inevitable, but our friendship won't change. We will grow together, okay?" He my head.

Why was this conversation becoming heavy? But alright while we're at it, I might as well say my thoughts. "Then," I looked straight into his eyes, "can you promise me something?" He raised his brows and then nodded. "Promise me that I'll be the only one to know your secrets. I'll be the only one you will lean on to- well until you find a girlfriend of course. But what I'm saying is... I'm tired of being the second option. I wanted to be the only one for once even if it's going to be temporary. I don't even need you to listen to me or understand me. Just promise me that I'll be the only one you share your thoughts with until time bring you to meet your other half." Okay, wow, Jumie! That sounded very poetic! Geez. Sometimes I just couldn't hold back the writer inside of me.

I thought Lay would chuckle at that, but no. He gave me his sweetest smile and said, "I promise." 

I felt a burden had been lifted off my shoulders and I rested my head on his shoulder. Suddenly, Lay pressed his lips onto the top of my head again. I looked up at him with knitted brows and he just raised his. 

"What?" He blinked at me.

I shook my head and looked away. What a weird bag of chips I had as a friend!