Chapter 4: Across the Border

Hyoyeon clutched at her hand, the surface of her palm still fresh with the strange tingling sensation that had appeared after miting Jessica on side of the bum by accident.

“What did I just do?”The dancer thought to herself worriedly, sitting in her seat smiling the time away as everyone did their individual introductions.

While contact like this wasn’t abnormal by any means, it brought about a reaction out of Hyoyeon that neither herself or Jessica expected. Within her peripheral vision Hyoyeon could see Jessica's eyes glued to her hands. The flow of blood to Hyoyeon’s fingertips paused as she pressed them harder against the top of her other hand, her fingertips whitening as she did.

Hyoyeon she didn’t know why she acted like that herself. It was as if there was this new boundary that had been drawn between the two of them; like Jessica had suddenly become a new person.

If only she hadn’t shared that conversation with Sooyoung earlier. If only she delayed these crazy thoughts she was having until a later time, a time where she would ask herself what she was worrying about and not bother to recall any of it. Only then the comfortability she had with Jessica wouldn’t have left like the wind and she wouldn’t now be clasping onto her hand to the point that her fingers would numb.

And in almost no time at all, the guesting had ended. The witty, choding, dance-at-any-song Hyoyeon had taken a back seat... well when it came to the Jessica it did. Hyoyeon couldn’t bring herself to even joke around with Jessica; it was far too awkward.

"Are you rebelling against me?" Hyoyeon looked at Seohyun who failed to comply with her commands to pick up the water bottle that had fallen onto the floor. The younger burst into laughter.

"I feel comfortable with you unnie, that's why I can be like this with you. Now pick it up." Seohyun stopped laughing and smiled at Hyoyeon sweetly as she pulled on the ends of the muffler wrapped around the shorter girl’s neck.

Hyoyeon pointed at Seohyun "Saying something like tha- yah, you'll never get a boyfriend, I swear. And no I won't pick it up."

Seohyun draped her arms around Hyoyeon's neck, who continued to laugh lightly at her, and pulled the older into a loose hug.

"I'm fine with unnie."

"Yah! You're grossing me out now stop it." Hyoyeon said slapping Seohyun on the back of the head with less force and looked at her in shock. She walked around her seat, the maknae’s arms still around her neck.

Jessica stood from her seat, a heavy sigh escaping through her nose that was loud enough to cut through the cheerful scene between the maknae and choding beside her. Hyoyeon promptly let go of Seohyun, somewhat startled by Jessica. She thought she had done something that might have made Jessica mad. Why she felt that Jessica had any reason to get mad at her she didn’t know but the fact that Jessica was angry was enough to tell her to stop whatever she was doing. She had a hint at why the ice princess seemed angry, her hint having to do with Seohyun, but then again Jessica’s been moody all week.

Seohyun felt the the anger emitting from Jessica in an invisible glow of red and separated herself from her roommate.

Hyoyeon hit Seohyun on the side and signaled her to follow the others out to the van parked outside. Seohyun gave a nod, picked up her belongings and left the former roommates alone save for the radio DJ who was still finishing up.

Jessica glanced at Hyoyeon who was busy debating with herself what she should say. She picked up the jacket that the hung loosely on the arm rest of the chair she sat in and made her way to the exit. Hyoyeon followed behind her making sure to stick by her side.

“Jesshika...” Hyoyeon spoke up.

Jessica’s pace fastened nearing a light jog rather than a leisure walk. Hyoyeon matched the brunette’s pace with ease. She stuffed her hands into her jacket pockets and shrugged uncomfortably, her lips pursing as she followed Jessica who trudged down the hallway.

Hyoyeon’s words formed a lump in . There were so many questions she had, almost all of them being half true and half assumption. She had to put these questions to rest, she had to reassure herself that Sooyoung was wrong... Sooyoung had to be.

“Jesshika!” Hyoyeon said, her tone almost to a yell and pulled at the ends of Jessica’s scarf that flowed behind her, dragging her backwards in the process.

“What!'” Jessica hissed, yanking her scarf away from Hyoyeon’s hold.

“You’re...” Hyoyeon gulped, clenching her hands into fists. She managed a smile before continuing, “A-Are you okay?”

"What does it matter to you?" Jessica replied, a low growl rising up from her chest. Clearly she wasn’t fine at all.

“I’m just asking if you’re okay!” The dancer responded frustratedly and furrowed her eyebrows, staring into the brunette’s dark brown orbs. Her concern for Jessica was replaced with irritation. She didn’t think Jessica would respond in such an irritated manner.

“I’m okay, alright! See?” She smiled sarcastically and pointed at herself, the smile not reaching her eyes, “...why don’t you just worry about Seohyun...” Jessica trailed off into a mumble, her eyes avoiding Hyoyeon's who were piercing into her.

“Seohyun...?”Hyoyeon thought to herself. Her hunches at why Jessica had become angry were all of a sudden were correct. “What does Seohyun have to do with— are you..." Hyoyeon stifled a laugh, "...are you jealous?”

Jessica glared at Hyoyeon for a moment, unable to respond—Hyoyeon hit her spot on. She swiftly turned around to face the exit doors behind her to resume her way to the van outside, her cheeks bright red.

Hyoyeon grabbed the girl roughly by the arm. They were going to resolve this now. There was no waiting.

“You’re hiding something from me.”

“Let go.”

“You’re hiding something!’

“Let go!” Jessica tried to release herself from Hyoyeon’s grasp, her efforts fruitless as her strength held minimal comparison to the firm hold the blond had on her.

Hyoyeon led the both of them to a nearby washroom located down the hallways of the building they were in, trudging past workers who eyed the two in confusion for a moment before brushing it off and minding their own business.

Hyoyeon pushed the doors of the washroom with her hands and dragged Jessica in. She made sure to block the entrance once she got herself in.

“Talk.” Hyoyeon folded her arms across her chest and scanned Jessica’s appearance. Just by looking at the girl before her she knew she was nervous behind her angry facade; being friends for practically half their lives did that.

A few moments of silence went by, the two not once leaving the eye lock they were in.

Hyoyeon sighed, “Sica!”

“If you think yelling at me is helping then—”

“Then what? What do you want me to do? Talk to me! You’ve been weird lately. I mean, what did I do to make you angry? I feel like there's something you've been holding back, like you're pissed at me but can't bring yourself to tell me why."

Hyoyeon massaged her temples. She knew she wasn't approaching this very skillfully but her nerves had gotten the best of her. If she talked calmly to Jessica clearly she would just receive harshness in return.
If she wanted her questions concerning Jessica to be answered there seemed to be no other way. Hyoyeon was becoming impatient.

This was a sensitive subject to approach. Hyoyeon fought hard against her straightforward nature to ask Jessica right there and then if the joke she told in the morning was true. In her state of anger and frustration, she ran through ways to receive an answer without hurting Jessica in the process. She wanted to prove Sooyoung's predictions wrong, because of course how could the ice princess develop feelings towards her of all people.


"Its nothing." Jessica responded a bit softer than before, her voice still retaining  that same harshness from earlier.

"Clearly its not. You said something about Seohyun? What does she have to do with any of this?"

Jessica exhaled sharply. She was suddenly out of breath.

Jessica mentally kicked herself in the face. Maybe she shouldn't have mentioned Seohyun which put limelight on how she felt pangs of jealousy when she saw how close the two were, almost couple like. How in comparison to her, during the whole recording, whenever Hyoyeon and her made any physical contact the latter would pull away quickly.  When they made eye contact there was a tense stillness in the air, hyoyeon’s smile fading once she looked at Jessica.

Jessica was avoiding Hyoyeon the whole week yet when the tables suddenly turned the girl couldn't stand for it. Secretly, behind her anger, she wantedHyoyeon to chase after her.

"Do you hate me?" Jessica said weakly, her voice barely above a whisper. Her eyes became clouded with sadness all of a sudden as her eyebrows furrowed. She looked at the floor and away from Hyoyeon.

"Where did you get that from? I don't hate you." A shallow laugh hitched from Hyoyeon's chest as she smiled warmly at Jessica who was still looking away from her. Her irritation faded suddenly at the sight of Jessica being a bit calmer towards her than all week.

Hyoyeon's shoulders slumped as she gave Jessica a reassuring smile.

"I love you."

Immediately Jessica's ears perked up, the redness that appeared on cheeks immediately reaching her ear lobes and spreading down her neck. At the same time there was a prickling feeling rising from her chest area.

It was as if Hyoyeon had unintentionally driven a knife down her heart and hacked it into two. It hurt, it hurt so much that Jessica's breath caught in , halted by the slow, heavy beating of her heart. But somehow, she still felt happy. Hyoyeon said she loved her after all.

But not how she loved her.

Her eyes had become unbearably watery, the salty liquid forming in her eyes threatening to fall before the very person she couldn't stand for them to see. She turned around after giving Hyoyeon a bittersweet smile and fought hard to keep herself from spontaneously letting out a flurry of sobs.

Hyoyeon took a step closer to Jessica. She put a hand on Jessica's shoulder wondering what was happening to the brunette, completely unaware that the girl before her was slowly bleeding away, crumbling unknowingly before her.

She stepped to the side to try and see the brunette’s face. Hyoyeon caught a glimpse of her eyes that were hidden behind her bangs. Before Hyoyeon could push her hair away, Jessica pushed her aside roughly.

"T-They're," Jessica took a deep breath before continuing, "they're waiting for us."

Jessica finished her sentence as she whisked out the washroom, her shoulder bumping against Hyoyeon's.

Hyoyeon watched Jessica exit and disappear through the doors. She leaned against the walls of the washroom, taken aback at what she just witnessed.

"She was-" Hyoyeon stood in place, still processing what she just saw.  "she was crying..."

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—Jessica’s POV—

“I love you.”

I laughed at myself.

Those three words.

Those three words I used to uselessly throw around without giving as much of a second thought when the words escaped my lips. Words that were supposed to make people feel happy...

But why am I crying? Why are the tears falling so hard?

I quickly pulled out the pair of sunglasses I kept in my jacket pockets. It was near the end of November and it was winter but I didn’t care. I shoved them onto my face to hide my puffy, swollen eyes, thinking that if I just wore them no one would notice the trail of new tears running down my cheeks. As long as I didn’t let out a cry it wouldn’t matter. No one would notice.

I paced myself as quick as possible towards the back exit of the building, the people walking past me blurring. My main objective were those doors, to push them open and hurry and get into the van before Hyoyeon would catch up to me.

As I opened up the doors, I felt the cold air meet my skin, the cooling sensations spreading throughout my body.

Friends. That’s what we’ll always be. That's what I’ll always be to her.

I wiped at my cheeks and rubbed at my chin where the trail of tears met and dripped off my skin. I laughed at myself.

This whole time I knew it was impossible but still, I secretly hoped there was some chance that... that maybe it was possible-

“Jesshika!” Sooyoung hollered from inside of the van parked outside the building. “Hurry up and get it in! Where’s Hyoyeon? We’ve been waiting for you forever!”

Yuri poked her head out from the window next to Sooyoung’s seat, followed by a very sleepy Yoona who looked out in curiosity.

“Where’s Hyoyeonnie?” Yuri yelled from her seat.

...That perhaps the small possibility could out weight the reality before me—the fear of being found out and thought of as abnormal, the fear of being exiled by those close to me, the fear of...

rejection.

I slowly  walked towards the van, descending down the the stairs where the vehicle was parked at the foot of the steps. Again, a new batch of tears were forming, my chest convulsing slightly as I fought the urge to cry out right there and then.

However, clearly there is no possibility and all I can do with these cursed feelings is, instead of suppressing them, is to completely get rid of them.

No matter how hard. No matter how many fake smiles I have to put on.

I have to somehow fool my heart into thinking I never loved you. That you were just my best friend.

 

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