In the wake of SHINee's Jonghyun's passing, I have decided to change the name of his character in this fic into someone else as a form of respect. He was a wonderful man in real life. May he rest in peace and may everyone who suffers from mental illness find support through all of us.

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June, 2015 - 1.00 a.m.

Seulgi pushed the door to the sleeping quarter open and was welcomed by thick darkness spreading before her eyes. All the lamps were turned off and the room was entirely quiet save for the soft snoring noises coming from her friends.

She walked inside with a sigh, dropping her white coat carelessly on a chair and stepping on something on her way to bed -- probably someone’s shirt or underwear -- but paid it no attention as she only kicked it aside tiredly.

“Joy, wake up. It’s your turn to watch the Emergency Room.” Seulgi shoved the sleeping girl on the upper bunk lazily and flopped on her own bed, feeling her muscles stretch in gratitude after a long day of hospital labour.

The girl above her bunk only grunted slightly, mumbling something in her sleep and refusing to wake up.

Seulgi exhaled. “There were three car-crash patients coming in when I left. If you don’t hurry there now and they end up bleeding to death, it’s not my fault because your shift started literally a minute ago.”

“What?” Joy, who refused to open her eyes a while ago, jolted up immediately at the mention of critical patients and scrambled down from her bed.

“Are you crazy? You should have waited for me to go there before you left! How could you leave right on clock when there were people dying?”

Seulgi cracked one eye open, face indifferent to her colleague's anger. "If I stayed there and waited for you to come, what time do you think you will wake up on your own?”

Joy seethed, her face blushing red in a mix of anger and embarrassment. Seulgi only closed her eyes again offhandedly. “Maybe you should learn to set an alarm clock for yourself before preaching me about responsibility.”

“You, really --“

“What’s going on here? People are trying to sleep.” A younger girl named Yeri who was sleeping on the bunk across them rose blearily.

“Nothing. Just Kang being  as always.” Joy answered spitefully, throwing a glare once again at Seulgi who was now sleeping with her back  her. “I will never understand why someone as uncaring as her is here to be a doctor. I hope karma smacks her with a cold lesson one day.”

She muttered some more profanities on her way out, slamming the door shut.

“Seulgi unnie, are you okay?” Yeri asked and waited for response, but the chocolate haired girl gave her nothing. After a while, she sighed and went back to sleep, assuming that Seulgi had drifted off to slumber. But contrary to what she believed, Seulgi was still wide awake.

Her body curled up under her blanket and her eyes remained wide open.

Karma?

What rights does karma have to hit on her?

Seulgi scoffed softly at the thoughts.

All her 22 years of life she had been living with days that felt more like a punishment than a blessing.

Karma?

Her eyes traveled far into the darkness as she shut them off.

If there was such thing as karma, it owed her the life she missed when she looked at the mirror ten years ago and realized that she was different from her friends. Not a punishment.

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September, 2001

Kang Seulgi was an ordinary child.

She had a rather striking feature and quite a pretty face according to the people around her but other than that, Seulgi considered herself to be ordinary and sometimes deficient.

She lived in a small house with her single father who worked as a construction worker. Her mother left them when she was seven. Seulgi wasn’t sure what the reason was. All she knew was countless nights of her parents shouting at each other before her mother finally ended up crying about someone else.

About another woman.

At first Seulgi thought that it must be her father’s fault just like what she had watched in those stupid TV shows when she was left all alone at home for lonely days. However, to her utter surprise, when she turned seven her mother announced that she would be fleeing the house with someone else. Someone they had been arguing so much about.

The finding hit her like a sledgehammer to her head. It wasn’t her dad who had been cheating with another woman but it was her mom. Her mother.

Seulgi, betrayed and bewildered in her insufficient mind of seven year old, decided to stay with her dad in their old little house.

She couldn’t understand it at first, why her mother would live with another woman instead with her father. Her father despised talking about it and Seulgi never asked him about it.

It wasn’t until she turned eleven, when she attended middle school and her classmates started booing about two girls -- or freaks, they called them -- caught kissing in the girls’ bathroom did Seulgi understand what it was all about.

They called them lesbians. And these girls were shunned by the majority. Mocked, ridiculed and grimaced at every single day. Some spoke of them as a disorientation, an abnormality, or just a downright repulsive sickness.

Seulgi knew now why her father never spoke about her mother. Because it was a socially unacceptable act and her dad was ashamed of it.

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March, 2007

Seulgi was thirteen and she was soon to graduate from middle school.

She wouldn’t say that she was going to miss the place, because contrary to most of the girls around her age, Seulgi didn’t have a lot of friends at school.

She didn’t fit in any groups, as everyone seemed to talk and gush too much over stuffs she didn’t find interesting at all.

Cosmetics, pretty bags, cute skirts.

Her friends had always thought that Seulgi never joined them because she was simply too poor to afford these fancy things but the truth was, she was just disinterested.

She found it more comfortable running around in her old pair of sneakers and worn out jeans, preferred biking to shopping with her peers, and favored learning guitar with her father to hanging out for gossips in a trendy cafe.

Her father would often give her a weird look as to why she didn’t act the way her same aged friends did. But he kept silent about it and Seulgi appreciated it.

When she turned fifteen however, her difference with girls around her grew even more obvious like a starking black paint smeared across white walls.

“I like you, will you go on a date with me?”

A nervous boy fidgeted in front of her with a stalk of red rose in his hand.

Seulgi had grown even prettier in the past few years. Her features grew sharper but remained delicate on all the right places as if they were chiseled by a brilliant artist.

There was more than one smitten boy who confessed to her in high school, but so far Seulgi had turned all of them down. She didn’t find them appealing.

“I’m sorry, John. I have to help my dad this weekend.” Seulgi refused politely. The boy’s shoulders dropped limply and she felt guilt gnaw at her heart.

“Come on, Kang! Why are you playing so hard to get?” One of John’s friend asked loudly in the corridor, causing everyone’s eyes to fall on them.

“What is it that John lacks? He is good looking and rich. I can understand you turning down everyone else, but seriously? John too?” The annoying boy babbled loudly and Seulgi felt worry grow in her stomach as dozens pair of eyes fixated on her.

“Or do you not like boys?” The boy snickered and Seulgi felt cold crawl all over her bones. “I d-do!” She stuttered, probably a little too fast than she should have. The boy raised a suspicious eyebrow at her.

“O-okay, we are going out this Satuday.” Seulgi snatched the rose from John who immediately beamed with happiness. “See you, John.”

She rushed out from the corridor, feeling her head scream at herself.

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They dated.

For about six months, Seulgi and John dated.

Her dad welcomed John happily every time the boy came over to pick her up for their dates. Seulgi believed that her dad had never looked that happy since the day her mom left him years ago.

But now he was smiling constantly of happiness -- or relief -- Seulgi wasn’t sure, but it was enough to keep her silent every time John pinned her against the lockers in the empty hallway and pressed his clumsy lips on hers.

It tasted weird, Seulgi wasn’t going to lie.

It felt too coarse, too out of place on her smooth skin, too unnatural on her soft lips. She wanted something just as soft.

“Sorry.” She muttered as she pushed him away. “I...I have to go to class...”

She snatched her bag that was dropped to the floor when John pushed her up the lockers, and ran away from the boy who looked at her with pained eyes.

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“Hello everyone, my name is Wendy and I’m a transferred student from Canada. You can call me by my korean name, Seungwan.” The petite girl bowed her head politely in front of the class, her golden locks cascading beautifully down her shoulders. She smiled when she looked up again.

Son Seungwan was her name, and Seulgi thought that she had one of the prettiest smile she had seen so far. Something about her smile just radiated so much kindness and warmth.

“Hi, I’m Seungwan, I hope you don’t mind me sitting here.” Seulgi was startled out of her reverie when a backpack dropped to the empty table beside her.

“Oh, sure. It’s empty anyway.” She straightened her back and sat properly. “I’m Seulgi, by the way.”

“Seulgi.” Seungwan repeated her name as if she was testing how it would roll off her tongue. She broke into a smile and stretched out a hand. “You should shake someone’s hand when you are introducing yourself, no? I thought Koreans are still strict about manners.”

Seungwan grinned and Seulgi cracked a nervous laugh as she took the warm hand in hers. “Yeah, we are. Sorry, I’m just an awkward person.”

“Awkward Seulgi,” Seungwan smiled as she looked straight into Seulgi’s eyes. “I think we will get along just fine.”

Seulgi smiled back, her eyes sliding down to their still enwrapped hands. It felt so comfortable, as if it was the mos