February 6, 2016

MADE 2015 World Tour,

Fukuoka, Japan.

      After midnight, the BIGBANG members find themselves enjoying a post-concert meal, relishing their energy from the crowd. All but the leader, who is unusually huddled in the corner, his cigarette between his lips, observing s in quiet.

      “I’m leaving,” Kwon Jiyong announces somewhere mid their meal, halting his band members’ chit-chatter to silence. As if it was in slow motion, they all look up at him, dumbfounded and shocked. He strays his eyes sideways, avoiding eye contact with the four men. “I’m taking a hiatus.”

      They could very much hate him after this, but there was no other way to break it.

      After what seems like hours, Seungri is the first to break the silence with a nervous chuckle. “Did he say ‘hiatus’ or am I the only one who heard it?”

      “Jiyong,” Youngbae, his best friend, looks at him incredulously, as if trying to figure him out. But it was Jiyong who was breaking his sweat, wondering what’s going on in their head – traitor? Coward? Quitter? He would never blame them. “Are you serious?”

      “Is something wrong?” Daesung frowns, his trademark grin nowhere in sight, concern immediately masking his features. “Did we do something wrong?”

      “No, no.” he perks up at that, his guilt doubling, tripling, by the second. “It’s not you guys, you didn’t do anything wrong.”

      “Then, why do you want to leave?” Seungri pitches in, his eyes as big as does.

      Letting white smoke out of his mouth, Jiyong sighs.

      “I’m sorry guys.” He mumbles, focusing on the crumbling grey ashes of the cigarette roll between his fingers. He knew they weren’t going to take it well. Now he just has to wait for the moment they say they hate him. “It was bound to happen anyways. I can’t keep doing this.”

      “God Almighty.” Youngbae scoffs and turns away. Jiyong gulps, already expecting such a reaction from his hot-tempered best friend, but it still hurt. Well, it wasn’t like he wasn’t hurting them either.

      Choi Seunghyun slowly puts down his glass of wine, his eyebrows connecting in the middle and tilting his head as he fixes his gaze on the younger rapper, breaking his silence since this topic has been brought up. “You better have a good explanation for this, Jiyong.”

      “Hyung,” Seungri whispers, recovering from his state of shock, holding a shaky hand out to reach the pale faced man, but retreating it half way. “What’s going on?”

      “I,” Jiyong rubs his face in rough , hoping to get the answer himself. “I’m just, I – .” He lets out a strained breath and his thumb finds his teeth, “I can’t do this anymore. I don’t have the strength to do this any longer. I’m suffocated in this job, and I just want to be by myself.”

      As he starts to put down his third cigarette for the night, he notices his eyesight is starting to blur, and his voice is starting to crack, and for the life of him, Jiyong didn’t want to cry in front of his friends. But everything has been too much, too fast, too consuming for him.

      “Hyung,” Daesung speaks up, “Is everything okay?”

      “No,” Jiyong slowly shakes his head, biting in his ragged thumbnail. It is better to tell them the truth, or a part of it anyways. If they’re going to hate him anyways, it would be better if there were no misunderstandings. “No, nothing is okay.”

      Ever since that night, nothing has ever been okay. He was so stupid.

      “Yah, Kwon Jiyong.” Youngbae stares at his best friend, a contour of emotions on his face. “Speak up, or I swear to God I’m going to punch you right here and now.”

      “Jiyong-ie,” Choi Seunghyun grabs his shoulder and squeezes it gently, and Jiyong bites down on his thumb a bit too much to stop the prickling tears from going down. He knew he was being selfish by putting himself above the greater good. They didn’t deserve this, he didn’t deserve them. “Talk to us.”

      Releasing a shaky breath, Jiyong looks down at his lap, and it didn’t stop occurring to him how he is letting s down. The idea of losing his only true friends was scarier than the fact that by taking a hiatus, he will be leaving behind the only thing he knows how to do well.

      He hopes they would understand, even if it’s asking a lot from them.

      “Hyung,” Jiyong shakes his head, glaring down at his intertwined pale fingers, willing his tears to go away. Unbeknown to him, or maybe subconsciously ignored, his voice starts to crack loudly, and everyone is taken aback by the crying rapper. In the past ten years working together, this could very well be one of the rarest moments they’ve seen their leader shed tears.

      “Hyung,” he repeats, pleading for them to understand, pleading them not to hate him so much, “I don’t like what I’ve become, or how I live. For the past couple of years, all I’ve wanted to do is take a break and just leave, but I didn’t want to let you guys down.

      “The media, the fans, the public… When Audrie and I broke up, I realised that if doing music means I have to be under the microscope with every single thing I do, I’m not sure I want it anymore.” Hs vision glossy, he rubs his eyes harshly, picking himself up and looks up at his dumbfounded friends, “I know I’m being selfish. This was the package we all signed up for when we started this, but at what cost?

      “I don’t know who I am anymore,” He takes a deep breath, “I don’t know who I’m supposed to be, or do, or say. I lost the ability to distinguish between show and reality too long ago, and I hate it. I want to go away, discover who I am again, find my passion for music. Because, frankly, I’ve been doing it out of duty rather than fun.”

      No one dares say anything, and the only thing they hear for a while is the scorching of the candle lights, swinging along the wind on the balcony of one of the most exclusive suites in the city. Everyone bellow were in their cars, happy, living their lives, but here they were, up here, untouchable and alone. Jiyong hated it.

      He picks up his forgotten glass of wine the eldest had picked up, and gulps it down in one go, feeling his skin burning under the gazes of his friends.

      Dong Youngbae’s sigh is the first sound to come out, and Jiyong looks up at the man, his jaw clenched. “Why do you keep these things to yourself?” he mutter tightly, “Why do you bottle things, why didn’t you tell anyone of us?”

      He didn’t know. So he shrugs.

      “So why now?” Daesung gulps, his eyes never once looking up at the man in question. “The next couple of years are already going to be hard on us, and we’ll need you, we’ll need as much reassurance as we can get. Why now, hyung?”

      He didn’t know. The way he saw it, it was like a fuse – his wires’ coverage have been scratches and torn for years by various people, in various situations. All that was left were a set of bare wires, vulnerable to any external damage. Then, when two wires touch wrongly, it explodes, like a fuse, and nothing can go back to how it was before, because before is no longer legible, and nothing is reversible.

      That night was his fuse.

      “Why not? Hyung is already going to the military for two years and all of you will be doing your own things anyways. It’s a BIGBANG break for a couple of years, we’re leaving behind a successful comeback, so nothing should be the issue.”

      Seungri bites his lips. “How long will you be gone for?”

      “I don’t know.”

      “Will you even come back?” Youngbae whispers, and for the first time tonight, rather than mad, he sounded weak, lost. Jiyong brings up his thumb, and his teeth bite down on it, and again, he doesn’t know.

      That’s another thing Jiyong didn’t like, and it makes him feel like his next step is blurry and scary and unknown and he hated it. He wasn’t in control of his life anymore.

      “I want to, Youngbae-ah.” He resorts to saying. “I really, really, want to come back.”

      “But you’re not going to.”

      “I don’t know.”

      Lately, it seemed like he didn’t know many things.

      No one says anything after that, silence over taking the once rowdy table. After finally letting it all out, Jiyong felt like such a douchebag. They started this journey together, all five of them, and now, he’s slowly letting go of that childhood dream they spent hundreds of sleepless nights fighting for.

      “Please, understand where I’m coming from.” He finds himself saying, his thumb nail tortured by his vicious teeth. “I know I’m being selfish, and I will understand if you guys hate me. But, I really just want to take a break from this life. I swear I’m going crazy.”

      “We do have the right to hate you,” Daesung breaks the ice, and Jiyong tenses. If Daesung was one to think so, what would the others say? “Our tour is ending soon, Seunghyun hyung is leaving for the military and we’re supposed to release our full album in a month from now. Your timing is ridiculous, hyung.”

      “I know.” He mumbles, and his throat starts to tighten. They do hate him.

      “But,” the second youngest continues, “I don’t mind.” Surprised, Jiyong turns his attention to the now smiling man. “We’ll all miss you, hyung, but you deserve to find you inner peace too. You’re not being selfish, you deserve to rest.”

      “Jiyong-ie,” Seunghyun pats his shoulder, smiling as well, and Jiyong nods in acknowledgment, “Go. Take a break. Thank you for talking to us beforehand.”

      “Yeah, hyung, go” Seungri smirks, “Even if you do, you’ll never get rid of us anyways. So, don’t worry about us too much, we’re all grown up men who can take care of themselves. ”

      “Everyone but you,” Daesung scoffs, and for the first time this night, a small laugh leaves Jiyong, and it’s as if a weight has been lifted off his shoulders. But it soon fades when he realizes that his best friends hasn’t said anything.

      “What do you say, Bae?” he mumbles. “Are you okay with this?”

      “You can go if you want,” He sighs, and everyone goes quiet at the emotionless tone he’s using. Jiyong’s chest tightens, the sense of being held back by a collar settling in once again. “But,” Youngbae continues, a trace of a smile tugging at his lips “We’ll be here waiting for you. All of us. So, you better comeback, you brat.”

[BREAKING]: G-DRAGON ANNOUNCES INDEFINITE HIATUS TO FOCUS ON HIS PERSONAL LIFE.

[+ 8953, – 1966]  Jiyong oppa~ we will always be waiting for you, no matter how long it takes. VIP and BIGBANG, Until Whenever!

[+ 2091, – 971] So after getting away with his abuse case, and him dating a right-wing anti-Korea model, he now leaves the country because idol life has been too hard on him. When will you grow up and take responsibility, G-dragon?

[+ 6486, – 4657]    I’m not a VIP, but GD had been a huge part of the kpop hallyu wave, and I hope whatever reasons pushed him to this hiatus would be solved. Come back to your fans well and healthy, G-Dragon-ssi.

[+ 3283, –2598] I honestly hope he never comes back. Who needs a drug addict in our music scene anyways? G-DRUG-ON, out of our country please.

February 26, 2016,

MADE World Tour Finale,

Tokyo, Japan.

      The one thing that keeps on repeating itself in his head is that this might be his last time on a stage. In a way, being surrounded by his team mates and friends, having his family back stage, and hyped up by their fans made his next venture a little bit less scary.

      Under the lights of a dome arena, this might be his last stage.

      “Good evening, Tokyo.” Seungri yells into his mic, and Jiyong winces, taking off his ear piece as he stands, sweating, at the very end of the line. As ridiculous as it might be, having the maknae yelling stupid nonsense into their ears will be missed. The crowd cheers for the youngest, and he grins. “How are you all doing?”

      Even though they never got a coherent answer, the screams of the fans answers their heart’s desires. With the back of his hand and careful of the rings, Jiyong daps his sweaty forehead, covering his teary eyes. He was leader. Leaders don’t cry.

      “Last year had been wonderful, MADE had been wonderful, and we want to thank all of you for each and every single moment,” They all nod their head to the youngest’s rambling, secretly enjoying the attention their maknae was getting. Jiyong always thought they all deserved as much attention as possible. “All of you are my everything.”

      This life was Jiyong’s everything as well, but even that proved to be missing. He reminds himself to smile. This might be his last stage.

      “VIPs,” Daesung joins in onto the Japanese speech given by the members. “You’ve all read about Jiyong hyung’s news, right?”

      A loud bunch of screams comes towards them. Jiyong bites his lips.

      “As much as this is hard on all of you, it is equally hard on us.” Youngbae continues, and Jiyong notices that the four of them crowd around him. He cracks out an awkward laugh, his throat stuffy and tight. What were they doing? “He is an amazing brother, friend and a phenomenal leader.” Seunghyun puts his arm around Jiyong’s shoulder and he gulps. Don’t cry. “Jiyong-ah. Thank you for everything.”

      Not able to say anything, he just puts on a tight smile, blinking rapidly.

      “Everyone,” Seungri yells into the mic again, addressing the crowd. “Take the banners out!”

      With another loud cheer, Jiyong looks around confused. One by one, the yellow ocean is slowly transformed into a red ocean of one banner held by everyone in the crowd. Daesung runs into the stage, and Jiyong hadn’t noticed he went off, but what surprises him the most is that his sister, mother and father are all following the second youngest, holding the exact same banner.

      The crowd chants the one small phrase that got his eyes burning.

      Kwon Leader, you will be missed.

      Don’t cry.

      Don’t cry.

      “Jiyong-ah, it’s okay.” His mother smiles at him and engulfs him in a hug. Right then and there, in front of thousands of fans and cameras and his friends, Kwon Jiyong breaks down in tears. “It’s okay, son. Come back to your mom soon. We’re all waiting for you.”

      He clutches into his mom’s shirt and buries his face