Kyungsoo cancels his date with Jongin again. Jongin’s reply seems dejected but not very surprised. It’s the latter part that digs all day at the back of his mind; it is almost like Jongin expected this to happen. Sure, Kyungsoo has missed a couple of dates recently because the semester has been rough, but surely Jongin knows that he is just as disappointed as his boyfriend is?

Even after the pre-med advising session (the reason for cancelling the date) is over, Jongin is still all that Kyungsoo can think about. His phone burns in his pocket as he waits in frustration behind the mass trickling slowly out of the auditorium. He needs to get home so he can talk to Jongin.

But it seems like fate— and the person who is waiting right outside of the door— has different plans for Kyungsoo.

Kyungsoo takes one look at the boy and turns to walk away; however, the boy grabs his arm and spins him around. “What?” Kyungsoo hisses before the taller can even open his mouth. “Finally decided to come beat me up?”

Chanyeol bites his lip. His eyes are big, almost fearful, despite the way he towers fifteen centimeters over Kyungsoo. “O-Of course not,” He stammers, dropping Kyungsoo’s arm.

“Then leave me alone,” Kyungsoo spits out, eyes flashing. “Stop following me around.”

“I’m Pre-Med too,” Chanyeol says defensively.

Kyungsoo just rolls his eyes.

He is halfway down the hall when Chanyeol’s deep voice calls out after him. “I’m sorry!”

Kyungsoo’s heart nearly stops. He freezes in his path. Slowly, he turns around.

Chanyeol stands in front of him, hands hanging defenselessly at his sides. His face burns with emotion. “I’m sorry for everything,” He repeats, a little more quietly this time.

Kyungsoo’s eyes narrowed. “Is this a prank?”

Chanyeol shakes his head furiously. “No, never.”

“Then why?” Kyungsoo demands. “After all these years, why now?”

“I—” Chanyeol cuts himself off. His shoulders slump. “I’m tired of pretending that I made the right choice.” His right hand curls around his left wrist. Kyungsoo can see his nails digging into his skin. “I want to be your friend again.”

He isn’t lying. Kyungsoo can tell; he has known the boy for his entire life. He glances around to check that they are alone before reminding Chanyeol, “I’m still gay.”

“I know.”

“And I’m still dating Jongin.”

“I knew you would be.”

“But does that still bother you?” Kyungsoo asks pointedly.

Chanyeol’s teeth are back to digging into his bottom lip. “I would be lying if I said I’m completely comfortable with it,” He finally says. “But you’re one of the people I love most in the world. I can learn to love that part of you too.”

Kyungsoo swallows hard at those words. “Another thing.”

Chanyeol nods.

“Why didn’t you tell the tabloids about me and Jongin?”

Kyungsoo had fretted for weeks after Jongin had debuted. He had been so sure that Chanyeol, out of a frenzy for revenge, would go straight to Dispatch and sell the story for thousands of dollars. It was to the point where he couldn’t sleep out of anxiety; all he could do was obsessively check online celebrity gossip pages. After a few months of no news, he grew even more suspicious. Chanyeol had no reason to keep the secret to himself.

Chanyeol frowns. “I didn’t want you to get hurt.”

Kyungsoo stares at Chanyeol. It has been many years since he has really looked at him. He is even taller than he was before, and his hair is shorter than it used to be. His fashion sense has improved for the better. His jawline is more defined now, having shed all the excess baby fat. But Chanyeol’s eyes haven’t changed at all: when Kyungsoo looks into them, he can see Chanyeol’s heart.

“I think,” Kyungsoo says softly. “That we have a lot to talk about.”

Chanyeol’s jaw drops open. He clamps it shut immediately after he realizes, nodding. Hope lights up his face. “Y-Yeah. I agree.”

Kyungsoo has other things to do, but this is more important. “Do you have time now?”

“‘Now’ is always the best time.”

Kyungsoo had never known that it was possible for this much love to be inside one person.

He created memories with Jongin. He also created memories with his mother, his father, his brother, Baekhyun, the other trainees, and Luhan. There were new sources of joy in his life that he had never had before, and there were also old ones that continued to stay by his side.

There was a garden inside of Kyungsoo’s heart; and though there were many people inside it, Kim Jongin was at the very center.

As the days, months, and years passed, Kyungsoo bloomed.

Kyungsoo studies.

And studies.

And studies.

Most of the time, Chanyeol is by his side. All of the time, his dates with Jongin are cancelled.

Sometimes he sees little articles about Jongin pop up on the Internet. Sometimes he hears whispers of Jongin’s names on the streets and in the halls of his university. But Kyungsoo doesn’t have time for petty gossip, so he dismisses it as irrelevant and occupies his time with more important matters.

There was once a garden inside of Kyungsoo’s heart, but Kyungsoo himself has forgotten.

When it finally happened, it wasn’t what Kyungsoo had expected at all.

But still, he was glad that it did.

The catalyst had been a random action movie with an English title that Kyungsoo would eventually forget. Junmyeon had lent the DVD to Jongin, and the latter had brought it over to Kyungsoo’s house during one of their sleepovers. Though they had to read subtitles the entire time, there were enough explosions and violence to hold their attention for the duration of the two hours.

But when the y female co-star appeared on screen for the first time, Kyungsoo’s heart skipped a beat: not because of her face, of course, or even her body, but because of the connotations behind the character she played. He peeked at Jongin to see if the younger boy had caught on, but his boyfriend’s expression hadn’t changed at all. Perhaps Kyungsoo had been overreacting.

But just as he suspected, after the world was saved, the hero and heroine stumbled together, pressed their bodies flush against each other, and kissed in the center of the screen.

Both of the boys immediately looked away from the laptop. Kyungsoo was suddenly all too aware of the bed that they were on.

When he glanced over, Jongin was looking directly at him. His face was dusted all over with a pretty pink. Kyungsoo found his resolve crumbling. “Have you ever…?” He asked Jongin, trailing off suggestively at the end.

“Never,” Jongin answered quietly.

“Innocent Jonginnie,” Kyungsoo teased gently.

Jongin laughed gently. “I’m too much of a romantic, I guess.”

The movie was over at that point, but neither of them moved to turn off the laptop. Kyungsoo swallowed. His gaze traced each of Jongin’s features slowly, finally stopping at his lips: plush, rosy, and soft, so, so soft. “I’ve never kissed anyone either.”

Jongin kept on staring straight at Kyungsoo. Then, so quickly that the older couldn’t be sure if it really happened, his eyes flickered to his lips.

Their first kiss was awkward. In his eagerness, Kyungsoo had accidentally headbutted Jongin; their lips had only touched for a millisecond before they both fell backwards, rolling as they laughed out of a strange mixture of pain and joy. When they finally calmed down, they found themselves laying right next to each other. Something about the sweetness of Jongin’s smile made Kyungsoo’s chest hurt.

There, they shared their second kiss, which was just as terrible as their first. Then, they had their third kiss. Then their fourth, then their fifth, sixth, seventh, and then Kyungsoo lost count because of the dizziness that was Kim Jongin.

Later that night, when Jongin was asleep, Kyungsoo pressed one last kiss on his lips and wished on all the stars that were shining on them that Kim Jongin and Do Kyungsoo would be together forever.

But the end always comes more quickly than anyone thinks it will.

After several hours at the library, Kyungsoo’s concentration is broken by the sound of Chanyeol’s stomach growling. His head flies up so he can stare at the taller boy, who is clutching at his stomach and looking sheepishly at Kyungsoo. The latter can’t help but laugh at the sight. “I think we’ve studied enough for one day,” Kyungsoo says, shutting his textbook with a note of finality. “Want me to make you dinner?”

“Who are you and what did you do with the real Kyungsoo?” Chanyeol jokes, packing his stuff up as well. “‘We’ve studied enough for one day’?”

Kyungsoo socks Chanyeol in the arm. “Do you want food or not?”

“Food!” Chanyeol crows. He wraps his arms around Kyungsoo’s small body and lifts him off the ground. Laughing, Kyungsoo squirms and demands to be let down. When Chanyeol does, the younger smacks him over the head once, trying to keep the smile off of his face. It really is great to be friends with Chanyeol again.

When Kyungsoo bends down to pick up his backpack, he meets eyes with Zitao, who is sitting by himself a couple tables away. They both flush red; Zitao turns away first.

Kyungsoo frowns. He really should talk to Zitao soon.

(But with Chanyeol by his side clutching his stomach and dramatically, it slips out of Kyungsoo’s mind quickly.)

The two leave the library. The bite of the frosty November wind whips against their bodies, so Chanyeol hooks his arm around Kyungsoo’s to draw them closer together for warmth. The familiar background cacophony of the city is blaring around them, cars honking and people yelling. Seoul has always been terribly black and white, and today is no different. As the two of them walk past the streets and towards the apartment complex, Kyungsoo finds himself wishing for more color.

When both of them are defrosting in the elevator, Chanyeol turns lazily to Kyungsoo. “Did I tell you that I started rapping in my free time?”

Kyungsoo snorts. “You as a rapper?”

To his credit, it seems that Chanyeol expected that reaction. His grin doesn’t waver; if anything, it grows wider. “I’m super good at freestyling too,” He says suggestively as they step out on the fourth floor and make their way down the hall.

“Please don’t,” Kyungsoo deadpans, already very aware of what is about to happen.

“Kyungsoo, my man. He is a Chanyeol fan,” Chanyeol starts in an exaggeratedly deep voice.

“Stop.”

“Though he pretends he does not, he knows Chanyeol is hot,” Chanyeol says, pausing a little in between the lines. Kyungsoo stuffs the key into the front door to his apartment, making loud nonsense noises to block out the terrible rap.

“Kyungsoo. Looks like Park Myungsoo.”

He can’t help it: Kyungsoo bursts out laughing at that last line. As he steps into his apartment, he shakes his head. “Why do I even call you my—”

Kyungsoo stops talking. The lights are all on inside his apartment. There is a blonde boy sitting on his couch.

Jongin jumps up. His eyes are on Kyungsoo, taking all of him in. “Kyungsoo hyung,” He says in that soft, deep voice of his.

Kyungsoo can only stare back, dumbfounded. Since when was Jongin blonde?

Then, Jongin’s gaze falls on Chanyeol. His mouth opens in shock. “Park Chanyeol?”

“Hey.” Chanyeol shifts uncomfortably. “Long time no see.”

Jongin looks completely lost.

“I guess that’s my cue to leave,” Chanyeol says with forced lightness. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Kyungsoo.”

Once Chanyeol has left and the door is shut behind him, Kyungsoo finally speaks. “How did you get in here?”

“You gave me an emergency key at the beginning of the year.” Jongin’s eyebrows furrow. “Since when were you friends with Chanyeol?”
 

It takes Kyungsoo a moment to respond. Though it hasn’t been very long, it feels like he and Chanyeol had never fought in the first place. “Two weeks ago? Probably?” He answers uncertainly. He takes off his backpack and then his coat, setting them on the floor before joining Jongin in the living room. Jongin watches him; however, it is not in the old way, in which he couldn’t get enough of Kyungsoo. It is with absolute confusion, as if he doesn’t quite know who he is looking at.

The expression on his face is unsettling to Kyungsoo, so the older boy raises his hand to tangle it through his boyfriend’s blonde— very blonde— hair. It has been so long since he has seen Jongin in person; he is even more beautiful than he remembered.

“That was really irresponsible of you,” Kyungsoo chides him gently. He finally lets his hand fall away from Jongin. “I could have been with someone who doesn’t know about us.”

“I needed to see you,” Jongin replies desperately. “I had to explain. I’m so sorry, hyung, it’s seriously— I know you must be so mad, but it’s not—” His breathing is shorter now. “Please don’t hate me. I wouldn’t be able— if you hated me—”

“What are you talking about?” Kyungsoo frowns, perplexed.

Jongin stops talking. The fear fades from his face. Jongin is blank. “You… you haven’t been reading our news lately?”

Lack of emotion from a person who wears his heart on his sleeve is terrifying. Kyungsoo frantically racks his brain for an excuse— then stops himself when he realizes he just considered lying to Jongin. But though the idea of deception repulses him, Kyungsoo himself doesn’t understand the whole truth. “I haven’t had the chance to,” He finds himself saying.

“Oh.” Jongin’s face clouds momentarily… and then clears out. Resolve flickers through his expression. He beams prettily at Kyungsoo. “I guess it worked out for both of us. I was scared that you would be mad.”

“What was the news about?” Kyungsoo asks curiously, motioning for Jongin to sit on the couch. He sinks down next to him.

Jongin turns pink with embarrassment. “It was dumb, really.” When Kyungsoo’s interest doesn’t vanish, he moans and buries his face in his hands. “I had a dating scandal with a girl in our company. But it’s not true at all! Yeri and I were just getting coffee because she wanted to ask advice for her new puppy.”

“You and Yeri…?”

Suddenly, something clicks in Kyungsoo’s mind. “Wait, I actually know about this.”

Jongin stills. “You do?”

“Yeah, it was on the Naver homepage.” Kyungsoo shrugs.

Jongin smiles awkwardly. “And… you didn’t think to ask me about it?”

“Not really.”

Jongin isn’t replying, so Kyungsoo glances at him.

Jongin has gone back to blankness.

Immediately, Kyungsoo starts backtracking. “It wasn’t because I didn’t care! I just trust you a lot, Jongin. I know that you would never cheat.” Still no reply. “It wasn’t very important, so I just figured we could talk about it next time we met, you know?”

Kyungsoo curls his hand around Jongin’s chin and tilts his face down. “Not a big deal,” He repeats softly. He leans in to kiss Jongin—

And is pushed away.

“No,” Jongin says slowly, anger building up in that single word. “That’s not why you didn’t ask me. You didn’t ask me because you don’t care.”

“Of course not, Jongin, I just said that—”

“You don’t care about a dating scandal because you don’t care about me.”

“No! No, what are you talking about?”

Jongin stands up. His hands curl into balls. “I’ve been so patient with you. I knew how busy you were, so I never said anything when you cancelled our dates. I didn’t want to be clingy or needy. I told myself that you needed some time to figure things out. I was so in love with you that I didn’t realize that you don’t love me back!”

“No, never, no.” Kyungsoo reaches out to grab Jongin’s hand; he is pushed away.

“You haven’t even been that busy, have you? You just told me that so you could hang out with your new best friend Chanyeol every single day—”

“No! Why would I ever lie—”

“They knew. All my hyungs. They asked why you never visited anymore. They asked why you never wanted to see me.” Jongin’s voice is getting louder and louder. “Even Sehun told me that if I wasn’t careful, I would get my heart broken. But like a complete ing idiot, I didn’t believe them!”

Kyungsoo stares at Jongin, wide-eyed. Jongin never curses. But here he is, tears dripping down his face, yelling those harsh words out of his pretty mouth.

“I’m just glad I finally figured it out.” Jongin laughs bitterly to cover the sob that threatens to rip its way out of his throat. Kyungsoo flinches at the sound. “I feel so pathetic.”

“Please, Jongin,” Kyungsoo whispers, pain etched through his whole body. “I-I didn’t realize. Please understand.”

“Understand what?” Jongin snaps. “That I mean nothing to you?”

“The person I like… it’s you.” Kyungsoo holds back his tears. “It will always be you.”

Jongin shakes his head. He wipes his eyes with the back of his hand. “Stop it.”

“What can I tell you to make you believe me?” Kyungsoo begs. “I care about you! I care so much! It’s just the way my life has been recently, you know?”

“No. I don’t know.” Jongin’s voice has gone cold. “I wouldn’t know because you never tell me, Do Kyungsoo.”

And with that, Jongin steps out of Kyungsoo’s apartment— and Kyungsoo’s life.

One night, when Kyungsoo had been overcome by how much Jongin meant to him, he had a dream about him.

Not that this was an uncommon phenomenon. Jongin often made appearances in his dreams, be it a nonsensical cameo as his friend’s long-lost father or something far more compromising, nights filled with dark eyes and lingering touches that had Kyungsoo gasping awake with passion running through his veins and heat flashing over his skin.

But this dream fit in neither category.

In empty white space, Jongin was waiting for him, his hand stretched out like a promise. His bare bronze skin glowed in the light, and his soft brown hair fluttered in the breeze. However, what made the dream remarkable were the flowers.

Red carnations, pink carnations, even a couple of purple carnations here and there. But above all, there was a countless number of white carnations. Weaved into Jongin’s hair, cradled into his chest, fluttering next to his face. It painted a striking image: a boy completely surrounded by flowers.

But the most beautiful part was still Jongin’s smile.

When Kyungsoo woke up, he was left with a tight, nearly painful feeling in his chest and no recollection of his dreams.

After Jongin left, Kyungsoo can’t focus on revising his chemistry notes. He can’t remember the usual way that he falls into his studying mindset; now, all he can think about is Jongin. Jongin’s shock when he saw Chanyeol with Kyungsoo, Jongin demanding to know why Kyungsoo didn’t ask him about the scandal, Jongin’s furious outburst at Kyungsoo’s apathy, Jongin crying.

It’s fine, Kyungsoo tries to tell himself, frustrated with his inability to study. All couples fight. He and Jongin have gotten into squabbles before; this isn’t new to their relationship. He has even read somewhere that this is healthy, that this will strengthen their bond. The two of them are fine, and Kyungsoo should continue his everyday life as if nothing has happened.

However, it soon becomes obvious that it is not that simple.

Kyungsoo calls Jongin the day after their argument, when he can no longer control the need to talk to his boyfriend. Jongin doesn’t answer his phone. Kyungsoo double checks Sehun’s instagram; the younger just posted a selca fifteen minutes ago, so their schedule should be over.

Kyungsoo hesitates before checking the time on his phone. 10:08PM.

Biting his lip, he calls again.

This time, it goes straight to voicemail.

... Probably asleep Kyungsoo thinks, feeling sick to his stomach.

Chagrin and denial act as a potent enough combination to keep him from contacting Jongin the next day, but Kyungsoo cracks the morning after. This time, he chooses not to call but to text. He sends a quick message, a simple “hey, you. how are you?”, and then attempts to finish his lab prep while the phone sits next to him.

Thirty minutes later, the phone vibrates. Kyungsoo seizes it, his laptop shoved to the side hastily as he types in his passcode to see Jongin’s reply—

Only to be met with the sight of a new Kakao message from Chanyeol, asking Kyungsoo if he wants to meet up at the library to study.

The sloppy two sentences of lab write-up that Kyungsoo wrote swim in front of his vision tauntingly.

Kyungsoo doesn’t reply to Chanyeol. Instead, he sits at his desk for the rest of the afternoon waiting for a message that never comes.

Over the next week, Kyungsoo’s head is filled with Jongin. He abandons the rest of his assignments and arrives late to his lectures, slipping in twenty minutes past the start time and then zoning out for the remaining fifty minutes. By Wednesday, he stops attending his classes altogether. He calls Jongin multiple times per day and leaves dozens of texts; however, it is to little avail, because Jongin does not reply even once.

Even the screaming and crying had been better than this, this apathy behind ignoring Kyungsoo’s pleas for Jongin to listen to him, to come back so they can talk about the situation. Jongin’s accusations had hurt just the same, but in a different way; Kyungsoo could still hear his voice, see his face. There was emotion behind his words. But now there is nothing.

The irony of the situation is that this is what Kyungsoo originally thought that he wanted. To be left alone, to be able to study in peace. But he had never realized that to be alone is to be without Jongin.

Without Jongin.

The phrase makes something inside of Kyungsoo wither. He can’t find the energy to get out of bed after that.

Kyungsoo has lost track of how much time has passed since he last left his apartment when there is a harsh knocking on the door. He ignores it at first, opting to shove his head underneath the pillows and let his body drift back into limbo.

But then the knocks increase to a volume that can only be appropriately described as pounding. Kyungsoo lifts his head in confusion, narrowing his eyes in the direction of the front door.

“Do Kyungsoo! I know you’re in there and, I ing swear, if you don’t open the door in fifteen seconds then I’m breaking it down!”

“Don’t you think that’s a little—”

The harsher voice cuts off the timid one with the start of a countdown. Something inside of Kyungsoo sparks at the the threats: the contents of it don’t draw as much of a reaction as the voice itself. Throwing his covers off of his body, he lets his body slump out of bed and proceed to the door.

When it opens, the perpetrator immediately stops yelling in favor of staring widely at Kyungsoo. His accomplice blinks from behind his wide shoulder, looking at Kyungsoo with an equal amount of surprise on her pretty face.

Kyungsoo smiles weakly. “Long time no see, Zitao, Joy.”

“I knew it,” Zitao mutters under his breath. “I told you we should have come earlier.”

Zitao reaches out and grabs Kyungsoo’s elbows with great abruptness. Kyungsoo lets out a yelp of shock when the younger whirls him around and begins to steer his body forward. Kyungsoo trips along with him, letting Zitao pull him to the bathroom. “What—”  

Zitao sits him down gently but firmly on the lowered toilet seat. He busies himself over the sink for a few seconds, and then turns to hand over a toothbrush with toothpaste already squeezed on the bristles. “Brush your teeth,” is all Zitao says before he strides over to the other side of the bathroom and begins filling the bath.

With a child-like innocence that Kyungsoo didn’t know he had inside of himself, he blindly follows Zitao’s orders. He brushes his teeth, washes his face, and even lets Zitao strip off his clothes and help him into the bathtub. Thankfully, Joy didn’t follow them inside; from the sound of it, she is in the kitchen preparing food.

Zitao lathers Kyungsoo’s hair with shampoo and rinses it off with the shower head. The sensation of fingers scratching along Kyungsoo’s scalp is so comforting that it nearly brings tears to his eyes. He dozes off, only coming to when Zitao starts to drag the soaped-up loofah across his back. Blushing, Kyungsoo clears his throat and stretches out his hand. “I can do this part,” He mumbles.

Zitao hands it over wordlessly and then disappears out of the bathroom as Kyungsoo scrubs off his body. He returns with clean clothes and a fluffy towel. After laying them on the counter, he gives one final order to Kyungsoo (“Come out to the kitchen after you’re done,”) before leaving once again.

Kyungsoo drains the bath and then climbs out rather clumsily, still unused to being on both feet. He wipes himself down carefully and then reaches for the clothes. The selection, black skinny jeans and a collared denim shirt, brings a small smile to his face and an ache to his heart: Zitao’s quest to make Kyungsoo fashionable will never stop for anything.

He walks out of the bathroom quietly, uncertainty etched into every movement. Zitao and Joy are talking in the kitchen; the conversation seems to be rather serious, with the way Joy’s arms are crossed over her chest and Zitao sighs every two seconds. When Kyungsoo approaches, the two instantly stop talking and turn to him. Joy’s worried expression softens into a tight smile. “I made you lunch,” She says, gesturing to the plate at the breakfast bar.

Kyungsoo climbs onto the stool and grabs the spoon. It’s Joy’s go-to recipe: tuna and kimchi fried rice. He takes a bite, chewing slowly. The delicious taste of food makes him realize how empty his stomach feels. He takes another bite.

Zitao watches Kyungsoo eat, a thoughtful glint in his eyes. “When is the last time you ate?”
 

Kyungsoo thinks for a couple of seconds. Then, he shrugs. He honestly isn’t very sure himself.

“We thought something was weird,” Joy begins. “When we didn’t see you in the library this whole week. And then Irene unni mentioned that you hadn’t been in Bio for the last two lectures….”

“And we knew something was wrong,” Zitao finishes simply.

His two friends are gazing at him from across the counter with so much love and concern that Kyungsoo is speechless; his spoon falls into the bowl.  “Do…” Zitao hesitates for a fraction of a second before plunging in. “Do you want to talk about it?”

Kyungsoo stares back at them with wide, miserable eyes. Unhappiness and distress is pressing against every curve of his body from the inside; it feels like he is going to explode. There has to be a way to get rid of this. He opens his mouth to tell them that yes, he wants to tell them everything. How distracted he has become from trying to focus, how his life became a tangle of regrets that he has only just become aware of, how Jongin has left him—

And then his mouth shuts, his eyes widening at what he almost did. Jongin is a secret. Jongin is a part of his other life.

“I can’t,” he finds himself answering.

There is a strange look of resignation on both Zitao and Joy’s faces, but they send him bright, reassuring grins. “When you’re ready, then,” Zitao says quietly. “We’re always here for you.”

Suddenly, there is a knock on the door.

Kyungsoo flinches, and then recovers enough to move to answer. However, Joy has already gone to see who it is.

She opens the door; immediately, there is an awkward pause. “Park Chanyeol?” Kyungsoo hears her ask quizzically.

Kyungsoo turns in his chair to see Chanyeol give her a small smile. “Is Kyungsoo here?”

Joy lets him in. Chanyeol’s eyes instantly fall on Kyungsoo, gaunt and weak from a week of not taking care of himself. He reels back in shock. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah.”

To his credit, Chanyeol doesn’t look like he believes him. “Did something happen? That night when…” He glances at the other two in the kitchen. “I had to leave early?”

The question is followed with a silence that speaks more than Kyungsoo ever could. He chooses not to answer, picking up the spoon instead and poking at his food. He is back to having no appetite.

Chanyeol comes up behind Kyungsoo. His arm slides out over Kyungsoo’s; his hand covers his. It is only then that Kyungsoo realizes he is shaking.

“I think,” Chanyeol says softly. “You have to talk to someone about it.”

Kyungsoo looks up at Chanyeol with exhausted eyes. “I don’t want to.”

The latter smiles at him kindly. “How is your pretty friend? The one who lives in Beijing?”

Luhan.

A flicker of warmth lights up in Kyungsoo’s chest. He straightens up. “I… Luhan.”

Thankfully, Chanyeol seems to understand. “You should call him,” He suggests. He helps Kyungsoo out of his chair with a strong arm. “I can just stay here in the kitchen. I’ll be here for you afterwards—”

“Us too,” Zitao chirps. “I’m not leaving you alone until you’re better.” Joy nods furiously in agreement.

“Of course,” Chanyeol says easily. “Now— Soo, where’s your phone…?”

They head over to Kyungsoo’s room, Chanyeol supporting most of the other’s weight with his right arm. After he helps the boy gingerly sit down on his bed, Chanyeol leaves, closing the door behind him. Kyungsoo lies down on his bed and takes five deep breathes.

And then once more for courage.

He picks up his phone and dials the number that he knows by heart.

When he answers, his surprised voice floods through Kyungsoo’s body like a wave of serenity. “Kyungsoo…?” comes the uncertain inquiry, followed by a short spurt of static. It sounds like Luhan is out in public.

“Are you busy?” Kyungsoo asks quickly, already dreading the answer.

“A little, but I can talk now,” Luhan says reassuringly. “You haven’t called me in so long.”

It is merely a statement, selfless in nature, but Kyungsoo can’t help but flinch. Regret and guilt seep into him. He really has lost control of his entire life.

“I— I wanted to talk to you about something.”

“I’m listening.”

“I… I think….” Kyungsoo swallows hard. “I think Jongin broke up with me.”

There is a harsh intake of breath, and then Luhan’s tone comes back sharper, more alert. “You ‘think’? Kyungsoo, what is going on?”

“I’m not sure.” Kyungsoo bites his knuckles to keep the tears from spilling out. He refuses to cry. “We got in a fight and he was super mad and now he won’t answer my calls or texts and I don’t know what to do and I can’t focus and—”

“Hey, hey, calm down,” Luhan says soothingly. “Breathe.”

Luhan continues, the familiar lilt to his voice calming Kyungsoo down. He focuses on breathing in, out, in, out as Luhan talks. “But why did you fight, Kyungsoo? He is not the type to get angry easily. There must be a reason he was mad.”

“He…” Kyungsoo’s voice gets caught in his throat, so he coughs a couple times to clear it. “He said I don’t care about him.”

There is a short pause. “And is that true?” Luhan asked pointedly.

“No!” Kyungsoo denies, clenching his fist in his lap. “Of course not!”

“Then why does he think that?”

Kyungsoo bites his lip and falls silent.

Luhan waits patiently. For a few minutes, the only sound over the line is the other boy’s soft breathing.

“Because,” Kyungsoo finally speaks up. “Because I forgot how much I love him. And not just Jongin, but other people in my life. You, Baekhyun, Jongdae, Zitao, Joy, and, wow, I can’t even remember the last time I visited my parents—”

“You’re not a bad person, Kyungsoo,” Luhan states seriously before Kyungsoo can start doing something stupid like crying. “You just went through a confusing time.”

“Everything is ruined now,” Kyungsoo says brokenly.

“Don’t say that.” Luhan chides. “Everything will turn out the way it is supposed to.”

“Jongin doesn’t even want to talk to me anymore.”

“He is just sad,” Luhan says reassuringly. “It happens sometimes when you love someone.”

“Jongin doesn’t love me.”

“Do Kyungsoo.” And suddenly, Luhan’s voice is sharper, steely in a way that Kyungsoo has never heard before. “Don’t ever say that again. That is not something for you to decide.”

“Well, what am I supposed to think? He’s the one who is ignoring me!”

“Be patient. Give it some time.”

“How long though?”

“Well, since it is Saturday, and his weekends are busy,” Luhan reasons, talking slower as he thinks. “Just keep on sending him texts until Wednesday. If he doesn’t respond by then….”

“It’s Saturday?” Kyungsoo frowns. “I… how much school have I missed? It’s already Sat—”

Saturday.

Kyungsoo freezes.

“What’s the date?” Kyungsoo demands, all traces of fatigue gone.

Luhan answers, the end of his sentence going up in question.

The EXO concert.

Jongin’s solo stage.

“I have to go right now,” Kyungsoo says, panic rising up in him. He jumps off the bed and yanks on the coat lying over his chair, supporting the phone precariously between his ear and shoulder.

“Is everything okay?” Luhan asks, concerned.

Kyungsoo stuffs his wallet and his phone into the pockets. “Yes. No. I— there’s something I have to do.”

Luhan hums. “I’m here for you no matter what happens.”

Kyungsoo pauses for one second. He clutches the phone close to his ear. “Thank you for everything, Luhan. Always.”

Luhan laughs. “I love you too, Kyungsoo.” There is a click, and the call ends.

There is a loud bang when Kyungsoo slams the door to his bedroom open. His three friends jump to their feet, startled shouts escaping their mouths. Kyungsoo pays them no attention at all; he tears past them into the kitchen.

Kyungsoo wrenches the lid off of the trash can, throwing it to the side. He plunges his hands through the trash, shoveling out crinkly wrappers and empty cartons and even old food. “Where is it?” He asks desperately, his forehead wrinkling in frustration. “Where is it?”

Zitao pulls him away, eyes wide and scared. “What are you looking for?” But Kyungsoo ignores him in favor of scrambling forward; in his desperation to get back to searching, he knocks over the entire trash can. Its contents sprawl all over the kitchen floor, causing Joy to yelp in surprise. Kyungsoo pays no mind to them, falling to his hands and knees to sift through the mess on the ground. But the longer he looks, the more painful the sinking feeling in his chest becomes.

The concert ticket isn’t there. And of course it wouldn’t be there, he had thrown it out a month ago. For a split second, defeat washes over his body—

Only to be shaken away immediately, determination hardening his countenance. He can’t give up now. He has to see Jongin.

Kyungsoo runs to the front door, heart nearly pumping out of his chest— and then Chanyeol, Joy, and Zitao’s confused questions flood into his ears.

Kyungsoo takes a deep breath.

Jongin is not a part of Kyungsoo’s “other” life. Kyungsoo only has one life, this life, and he wants Jongin to be a part of it.

He turns around to face his friends. Zitao and Joy are staring at him in utter astonishment. “I’m gay,” Kyungsoo blurts out, staring at them straight in the eyes. “And I’m dating Kim Jongin.” And with that, he runs out the apartment.

Once he is out of the building and has hailed a cab, he gives the address to the driver. Then, he drops his head into his hands and prays to anyone who is listening that he isn’t already too late.

“I love you,” Kyungsoo said, looking straight into Jongin’s eyes.  Jongin, who was crying as he gazed back at him with a face full of adoration. Jongin, who had taught him so much about himself as not only a lover but as an individual. Jongin, who was the only person who he could ever imagine himself growing old with. “I am in love with you.”

After throwing some bills at the driver, Kyungsoo debates for a split second before bolting left, past the main entrance of the concert venue and towards a smaller parking lot that can just barely be seen over the hill. Once he draws closer, his chest grows lighter; just as he suspected, two men in uniform are blocking the entrance to a small, nondescript door that remains slightly ajar. A woman carrying a cardboard to-go box of coffee pauses in front of one of the security guards. He examines the ID that hangs from her lanyard and then consults the clipboard for a few seconds before stepping to the side to let her enter.

Kyungsoo’s heart sinks once more at the sight. But he is tired of giving up, he absolutely refuses to give up, so he runs up and skids to a stop just in front of them.

The two men give him an appraising onceover while he pants, hands on his knees. It is obvious that whatever they see, they don’t like, judging from the way they glance at each other with unreadable eyes. One of them clears his throat and places his palm out to Kyungsoo. “Identification, please,” He says wearily, as if he already knows what is about to happen.

Kyungsoo bites his lip— he doesn’t have time for this— before blurting out, “I’m not on the list. But—”

The security guard gives him a forced smile. “Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to—”

“Bring Baekhyun here,” Kyungsoo interrupts desperately. “Or Jongdae. Or any of the EXO members—”

“Sir, I’m not going to repeat myself. You need to evacuate the premises,” The man says firmly. He extends an arm out to block the entrance to the building, as if anticipating Kyungsoo attempting to enter by force.

“They know who I am!” Kyungsoo’s hands fly to his hair, through the strands. Jongin could be on stage at any moment. “I’m telling you, they know me, just ask them to come for a second—”

“That’s what they all say,” One of the men says to the other with a small smirk.

“I’m not lying!” Kyungsoo rushes forward; the joking looks in the guards’ eyes instantly disappear, and they seize Kyungsoo’s arms, dragging him away from the building. Kyungsoo thrashes in their grip, recklessly kicking out and dragging his heels, eyes widening as they pull him further and further away from where he needs to go. “Please, please don’t do this, I need to be there, I NEED TO SEE JONGIN—”

And by some miracle of divine nature, Kyungsoo spots a flash of sandy blonde hair, of smiling, kohl-rimmed eyes, coy and sharp, just like butterscotch—

“BAEKHYUN!” Kyungsoo screams. “BYUN BAEKHYUN!”

Baekhyun turns in his direction, face soft with confusion. Jongdae, who is next to him, stops as well. Both of them stare at the scene in complete puzzlement: Kyungsoo, red-faced and sweating, being pushed further and further away from them. Stomach dropping, Kyungsoo remembers the last time they had talked. Were they still angry...?
 

Baekhyun drops the microphone that he is carrying and rushes out of the building, Jongdae hot on his heels. The staff around them let out startled yelps, running after them to bring them back inside, but the two boys are already at Kyungsoo’s side.

“Let him go! Stop it!” Eyes flashing, Baekhyun shoves the security guards away from Kyungsoo. The latter trips from his sudden release, nearly falling on his face, but Jongdae jumps forward to steady him. “Kyungsoo,” The boy breathes in a combination of both relief and intense bewilderment. “What—”

But Kyungsoo is already scrambling towards the door.

Baekhyun and Jongdae chase after him, calling out his name, but it falls to deaf ears. The staff part in front of Kyungsoo with shouts of puzzled indignation, but the two vocalists reassure the others in loud voices that he is with them. Eventually, Kyungsoo makes it to the main backstage area and turns in circles around himself, frantic and lost. “Where is Jongin?” He asks desperately to Baekhyun and Jongdae, both of whom are breathless from trying to keep up. “His solo— Do you know when it’s his turn?”

Immediately, the color drains out of Baekhyun’s face. Jongdae stares at Kyungsoo with wide eyes.

“Jongin’s solo stage?” Kyungsoo repeats. “When is Jongin’s solo stage?”

The look on Baekhyun and Jongdae’s faces say it all.

“No,” Kyungsoo whispers. “No—”

And then suddenly, everyone around them is clapping and cheering loudly. Kyungsoo whirls around to see a beautiful boy clad in all white emerging from a different hallway, sun-kissed skin peeking through the transparent fabric and at the rips of his jeans. Though his body is slow with fatigue, his face glows with happiness and pride.

Kyungsoo feels his knees shake at the sound of people around them. He watches as they reach out to shake Jongin’s hand and pat him endearing on the head. It is too much, but he can’t tear his eyes away. And then Jongin’s eyes flash straight into his own, and someone next to Kyungsoo yells, “Congratulations on your solo stage, Jongin! You killed it!” Especially then, everything is too much—  

Kyungsoo starts to cry.

His shoulders shake as he wails. His hands come up to attempt to muffle his loud sobs, and he falls to the floor as his legs completely give out. He missed Jongin’s performance. He pushed Jongin away for months. He hadn’t paid attention to Jongin’s life. He made Jongin cry. He made Jongin believe that he doesn’t love him.

Hands fall on his waist, curling around his hips to hoist him back on to his feet. Kyungsoo looks up, tears blurring his vision, to see the person that has haunted his every waking moment. “Jongin,” Kyungsoo chokes. He begins to cry harder, fingers coming up to grip the boy’s clothes. “Jongin, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I’m— Jongin, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I love you, Jongin, I love you—”

A protective arm around his waist and the other shielding the smaller’s face away from curious eyes, Jongin stops to ask one of the staff a quick question before half-dragging, half-carrying Kyungsoo away. Kyungsoo can’t stop the babble of words that pour out of his mouth, everything that he had kept so carefully locked up inside of himself flooding out in front of Jongin. He barely registers that the two of them have entered a small, unoccupied room before he is seated on the couch. Jongin’s grip on Kyungsoo weakens as he moves away; a wave of panic flashes through Kyungsoo’s body, and he clutches so tightly at Jongin’s shirt that his knuckles turn white.

The younger’s face softens at the sight. His own hand moves to at the back Kyungsoo’s fist. “It’s okay,” Jongin murmurs. “I’m just going to sit in that chair right there.”

Reluctantly, Kyungsoo lets him go. He curls his body into a ball, knees tucked close to his chest as he watches Jongin settle down in front of him. The gentle expression has faded and is now replaced with an air of wariness: like Jongin doesn’t know what to expect from Kyungsoo, like the next words that come from Kyungsoo may break his heart.

Kyungsoo doesn’t want Jongin to look at him that way anymore.

“I love you,” Kyungsoo says, tears flowing freely down his cheeks once more. “I’m sorry for everything that has happened, and I love you.”

The caution melts away from Jongin’s face. His eyes glaze over in emotion, and his voice breaks on the first word. “I missed you so much, Kyungsoo hyung.”

“I know. And I’m sorry for that.”

There is a knock on the door, which causes both of them to jump a foot in the air. One of Jongin’s managers pokes his head inside. “They want you at hair and makeup right now,” He says curtly, speaking to Jongin but peering inquisitively at Kyungsoo.

“I’ll be there in ten minutes.”

“Three.”

“Five,” Jongin compromises.

The manager grimaces but nods. “Make this quick, Jongin.” He leaves on that warning note.

The room falls silent once more. They both know that five minutes is nowhere near enough time to talk about a wall that has been building up between them for over a year, but for now, it is enough for Kyungsoo to be with Jongin.

A minute passes in absolute quiet, before Kyungsoo holds his arms open, Jongin comes forward, and they curl into the other’s warmth. Jongin wipes away the dampness on Kyungsoo’s cheeks, and it’s only then that the latter realizes that he is crying again.

“I really wanted to see your performance,” Kyungsoo says quietly.

Jongin smiles. “I know you did. And that’s enough for me.”

Another minute passes.

“I want to be an orthopedic doctor,” Kyungsoo tells Jongin.

“You would be a great doctor,” Jongin murmurs.

Kyungsoo swallows. His mind floods with the memory of the night he made that discovery: the dead silence of his apartment, the texts that Jongin had sent him, the sharpness of the tea on his mouth. “I was inspired to become one… because of you.”

Jongin lifts his head, eyes flickering with a deeper emotion.

“I only realized this in the past week,” Kyungsoo admits, holding Jongin closer against his body. “But… your waist?”

Jongin gazes at him in wonder.

“It’s something I’ve always had to be concerned about. And now, I want to learn more… to help you and others like you.” Kyungsoo smiles bashfully. Then, he panics. “Oh gosh, that’s ridiculously cheesy, isn’t it—”

And Jongin kisses him, capturing his mouth against him with a passion that spreads warmth into Kyungsoo’s heart. Kyungsoo responds just as fervently, wrapping his arms around Jongin’s shoulders and pressing closer to him, threading a hand through Jongin’s hair and breathing in Jongin’s smell and Jongin’s taste and just taking in everything that is Kim Jongin—

The door bangs open. “Time’s up, you little boogers—”

Baekhyun screams, effectively cutting off the rest of his own sentence. Kyungsoo and Jongin break apart to see Baekhyun, Jongdae, and Sehun piled at the entrance of the doorway, each frozen in various states of horror.

“Eye bleach,” Jongdae moans dramatically, clawing at his face. “Where is the eye bleach?”

Sehun looks like he is going to throw up.

“Oh, stop overreacting,” Kyungsoo grumbles. Jongin helps him up off the couch, trying to hide his grin.

Sehun folds his arms over his chest. “I didn’t miss you, Kyungsoo hyung,” He declares loudly.

Kyungsoo can’t help but chuckle at that. “I missed you too, Sehun-ah. It’s good to be back.”

The five of them make their way over to the prep room. Jongdae, Baekhyun, and Sehun say quick “see you later”s to Kyungsoo before the stylists overtake them, pulling them into the room to fix their makeup. Jongin resists for a minute longer, clutching at Kyungsoo’s wrist as if he is afraid that he will disappear into thin air.

“Talk after?” Jongin asks, eyes digging into Kyungsoo’s for an answer.

Kyungsoo nods. “I’ll be waiting here for you.”

And with that, Jongin gives Kyungsoo a small smile and allows himself to be led away.

A helpful assistant leads Kyungsoo to the control room. There is already a large group of people who stare at him curiously, but he pays them no mind. Instead, he settles himself off to the side, in good view of the monitor, from which he watches the rest of the concert. All of the EXO members are impressive on stage. They are also absolutely ridiculous; Jongdae cracks a few jokes that have the fans howling in laughter. However, Kyungsoo’s eyes always end up following Jongin: Jongin dancing, Jongin singing, Jongin smiling. Everything he does manages to take Kyungsoo’s breath away.

Because from the beginning, it was always Jongin for Kyungsoo.

And it always will be.

---

A/N: There is honestly no excuse for how long it took to get part three up, so all I will say is sorry and thank you to those who waited for it! Also, thank you to my dearest KFR admins for always being so encouraging!

Happy (very very late) birthday, Kaisoo! Thank you for sharing a part of your lives with us.