The crisp October air blows over Kyungsoo’s face as he steps out of the science library, and he automatically stops at the top of the stairs to tug his knit scarf tighter around his face. He can’t afford to catch a cold right now, what with his work weighing him down like water in a rickety old canoe; pause the scooping out for a minute to catch your breath, and the whole boat goes straight to the bottom of the ocean.

He walks down the street to the crowded, loud intersection. Cars streak past, their bold headlights flashing over Kyungsoo; his hand instantly shoots up to cover his face even more. There has always been an element of danger in what he has been doing every Wednesday night for the past two years now. Something risky. It used to send a bolt of white hot fire through him, passion shooting through his spine and curling up in the bottom of his stomach. Now, it is nothing more than a mere twinge, worry that getting caught will affect his future goals.

The walkway signal changes. Kyungsoo crosses the street.

Instead of his usual right, he takes a left.

Kyungsoo slips past dimly lit, run down stores, and then stores that don’t have any lights at all. He cuts across a dark road, lit only by a erratically blinking street lamp, and squeezes his way through a narrow alleyway. The familiar sight of the abandoned Korean eatery greets him. A black car is parked in front of it: unsuspecting yet flashy in its dual-winged platinum logo that screams expensive, imported from a foreign country. Taking one last look behind his shoulder, Kyungsoo opens the door to the passenger seat and crosses the threshold between his daily life and this secret life.

Immediately, the driver throws his arms around Kyungsoo’s neck and presses his lips eagerly against the other’s mouth. Kyungsoo flails a little, eyes widening and hand reaching back to make sure that the door is shut behind him. His assailant makes a noise of protest at him pulling away; his teeth pull at the other’s bottom lip, needy and earnest. Kyungsoo feels his self restraint weakening. His hand comes up to cup the back of the other’s head and pull him in deeper. His eyes close.

Kyungsoo is the first to draw away from the kiss. Jongin blinks up at him, eyes crinkling up into the eye smile that has been taking Kyungsoo’s breath away for the best part of four years now. “Hey, you.”

“Hey, you,” Kyungsoo echoes back, a grin ghosting over his face.

Jongin brings Kyungsoo’s hand up to his face. He leans his cheek into the other’s palm, closing his eyes. The intimacy of the action has Kyungsoo squirming, heat flashing up his skin. His boyfriend seems to notice his discomfort; with a sigh, he presses a chaste kiss against his wrist and then pulls away. “How have you been?” Jongin asks him, leaning back into his seat and blinking up at Kyungsoo with affection.

“Same as always.” Jongin’s mouth opens as if he is going to ask for clarification, but Kyungsoo is exhausted and in no mood to talk, so he quickly adds, “What about you? Anything new?”

Jongin pauses, surprised by the shift in conversation. Then, his entire expression brightens. “Taemin got a puppy, so I went over to his apartment yesterday to see him!”

“That’s great! Do you have a picture?”

And, just as Kyungsoo knew it would, the question sets Jongin on a mission to show off every single one of the dozens of photos he took of the dog (whose name is Caspar, according to an excited Jongin). He relaxes against his chair, nodding and cooing whenever the younger glances expectantly at him. But when Jongin isn’t looking, Kyungsoo closes his eyes. He has so much work to do. Twenty pages of reading for Genetics, close to forty for Cellular Biology, a Calculus assignment, several online quizzes, and also that lab paper that he still has no clue how to finish—

It has been two years since Jongin debuted as “Kai” in the now world-famous Korean pop group “EXO”. The first time Kyungsoo had watched EXO’s music video “MAMA”, he had been both amazed and uneasy at the change in his boyfriend; Jongin was no longer Jongin, but Kai, y and dangerous and unattainable. But Jongin soon proved that there had been no reason for him to worry. He is just as loyal and loving to Kyungsoo as he had always been. They make it a habit to have their secret car dates every Wednesday, and Kyungsoo has even attended several EXO concerts under the guise that he is Baekhyun and Jongin’s friend from high school. The other members treat Kyungsoo like family. Not a single one of them had judged Jongin for being gay; on the contrary, Kyungsoo’s KakaoTalk is always flooded with messages from the EXO members, keeping him up-to-date with pictures of Jongin goofing off and asking him when he next plans to visit the dorm. Jongin’s life as Kai has never left Kyungsoo feeling lonely or disconnected from his boyfriend.

If anything, Kyungsoo would say that it is a little too much for him to balance with the rest of his life.

Jongin’s chatter dies down. Kyungsoo opens his eyes to see that he is biting down on his bottom lip. The insecurity on his boyfriend’s face echoes itself in his voice when he asks, “Am I boring you?”

“No! No, you’re not, I’m sorry—” Kyungsoo cuts himself off and straightens up, running a hand through his bangs. “Not sleeping.”

“Your lips are chapped,” Jongin notes. His hands twitch, as if he wants to fix Kyungsoo’s hair. “Tired?”

“Not all of us can have makeup coordinator noonas making sure we look beautiful every second of the day,” Kyungsoo jokes.

“Your voice sounds different too.” Jongin’s eyebrows scrunch together. “Is there a lot to do at school?”

Kyungsoo considers telling the truth for a second. Yeah, Jongin. It’s too much. But his worries sometimes pale when they stand next to the bright, harsh immediacy of Jongin’s life, so his lips squeeze together in a tight-lipped smile and his shoulders shrug in an uncommitted fashion. “It’s just university, you know?”

Jongin looks unsatisfied with the answer, and he opens his mouth to say more, but Kyungsoo lifts his hand to smoothen out the wrinkles in Jongin’s forehead with the back of his thumb. The taller leans into his touch, making a content noise in the back of his throat. Jongin’s words are swallowed down to remain curled up, unspoken, in the bottom of his stomach.

“I love you, Kyungsoo hyung,” Jongin murmurs. His eyes peer straight into Kyungsoo’s, wide and honest. “I love you more than anything.”

Kyungsoo smiles. “I do too, Jongin.”

They met in their first year of high school.

Having been separated from Chanyeol’s side, Kyungsoo had a grand total of zero friends in his classroom. He spent the first day in absolute silence, sitting alone at his desk even during the ten minute breaks between classes for teachers to switch. The other boys, rowdy and excited from their entrance into a new school, threw wads of paper across the classroom and bragged loudly about their extravagant vacations to Jeju Island. A cluster of them peered out the window at the girls’ 1-B class doing their gym warm-ups, hollering their approval for the particularly cute ones.

Kyungsoo told Chanyeol about this during lunch, when they could finally (finally) go to each other.

“Well, that’s something you could do,” Chanyeol had mused, tilting his head to the side so that his bangs would fall out of his eyes. His hair had always done that, for as long as Kyungsoo could remember: slowly, slyly grow long and longer to the point where the long strands obstructed his friend’s vision. “Just go up to them and point out a girl who you think is pretty.”

“Yeah. I could do that.” Kyungsoo shifted in his seat.

And he could. There were plenty of girls in their year who were actually very, very pretty: Son Seungwan, maybe, or Kang Seulgi. But Kyungsoo didn’t think they were pretty in the same way the other boys did, with their mouths practically salivating and their pants getting tighter with each second they stared. Kyungsoo had known for a while that he didn’t see girls that way. He had come to understand that a long time ago. But sometimes telling your friends is a lot harder than admitting it to yourself.

The warning bell rang, and they both stood to throw their trash away. Chanyeol knocked an encouraging fist against Kyungsoo’s before they parted ways. “Charm the pants off ‘em, dude.”

Kyungsoo grinned. “I’ll try my best.”

And though he had truly meant what he said, the rest of the day was spent by himself, sitting very still with his knees together so that the wobbly old chair wouldn’t squeak.

Later that night, after he had washed and curled up in his bed to sleep, Luhan called. There was a familiar ache in his chest as he talked to his old friend, one that had gotten better over time but would most likely never fully disappear. His soft voice and pretty accent had always been able to coax truths out of Kyungsoo that Chanyeol’s deep timbre could never. Kyungsoo felt the lies he had fed his family and best friend fall out. He told Luhan honestly: “I have no friends in my class.”

There was a pause. Kyungsoo could hear Luhan breathing over the line, slow and steady, a boulder in the midst of a storm. “Maybe,” His friend finally replied. “The right person just hasn’t come along yet.”

“What kind of person misses the first day of school?” Kyungsoo laughed. Luhan jokingly tossed out a bizarre scenario, and the two talked the rest of the night away.

The next day, two boys rushed into class during the middle of role call: one rowdy and loud, a mischievous smirk painted across his somewhat elfish face, the other shy and nervous, ducking his head and trailing closely behind the first. The teacher frowned disapprovingly. “Names,” he barked, hishand reflexively twitching towards the ruler that laid across his desk like a threat.

“Byun Baekhyun,” The first one said breezily.

“Kim Jongin,” The latter murmured, head still bowed and hands stuffed into the pockets of his khakis.

“Sit down,” The teacher ordered.

“With all respect, saem,” Baekhyun drawled, hands behind his back and cheeky smile aimed upwards to the adult. “We missed the first day of school, so we don’t know where our seats are.”

The tension in the room could have been cut through with a butter knife. Gritting his teeth, the teacher pointed them to their desks. The two of them went to sit down.

As soon as their teacher left after homeroom, all of the boys except Kyungsoo and Jongin flocked to Baekhyun’s desk. “Why didn’t you come to school yesterday?” They asked breathlessly between introductions.

Baekhyun shrugged. “Had better things to do.”

“What kind of things?” Someone asks.

A lazy grin slipped on his face. “Jongin and I are trainees at SM Entertainment company.”

The room almost erupted at that simple statement. The boys instantly started belting out questions about Girls’ Generation, f(x), and even a couple about TVXQ, asking him who was secretly dating who and if he had met any hot girl trainees. Baekhyun laughed. His hands flew up into the air, and he asked them to slow down.

Kyungsoo stole a glance at Jongin. The latter had his eyes closed, lips parted slightly; he was dozing off in the middle of school. He is very pretty, Kyungsoo realized. Almost ridiculously so. All long eyelashes and full lips and really, really beautiful honey-toned skin. Baekhyun was like butterscotch, sharp and coy, but Jongin was like caramel, soft and warm and—

Kyungsoo snorted at himself. Food references. How cliche.

When he looked back to Baekhyun, he was met with the sight of the boy looking straight at him. When their gazes met, the corner of Baekhyun’s mouth jerked up in an impish manner. Kyungsoo felt himself turning bright red from being caught staring; his eyes immediately dropped to the floor.

But then the temptation crept in like an itch, and Kyungsoo let his gaze wander back to Jongin. He would make a good celebrity, Kyungsoo thought to himself. Jongin was the type of person whom Kyungsoo would be able to find in a crowd of thousands.

(From the very beginning, it was always Jongin for Kyungsoo.)

In the cafe, Zitao and Joy are babbling excitedly about their respective plans for Friday night while Kyungsoo sits quietly next to them, flipping over his note cards and reviewing them with quick, intelligent eyes. He has an online quiz due the next day; it isn’t worth very many points, fifteen at most, but Kyungsoo prides himself on excelling in everything he does. Zitao and even Luhan often times tell him that he puts too much effort into schoolwork. They claim that he needs to have more fun in his life, and that that will help him relax more. Kyungsoo doesn’t agree with them. He puts in a good amount of effort. Studying helps him calm down, and there is nothing more stressful than being unprepared for a class. So why should he change?

The familiar opening of a song plays. Kyungsoo’s eyes flicker up.

“EXO’s new song is so good,” Zitao sighs. His head falls into the curve of his arm, which dutifully holds up the cellphone that Baekhyun’s voice is now crooning out of.

“It’s too good,” Joy agrees, nodding eagerly. “I was never very interested in EXO, but the new album is just amazing.”

Zitao’s gaze shifts to meet Kyungsoo’s, who realizes his mistake too late. His mouth twitches to the side in confusion. “Do you have something you need to tell us, Kyungsoo?”

“No. I just….” He racks his brain for an excuse for the sudden interest in their conversation. “That song sounds familiar.”

Zitao brightens. “Oh, okay. I thought we were being annoying or something.”

“Are you really Kyungsoo? I never knew you liked boy bands,” Joy teases him, laughing immediately after her remark.

“Who’s your favorite? Suho?” Zitao asks, tone playfully mocking.

“He looks more like a Kai fanboy to me.” Joy tilts her head thoughtfully. “Bet our Kyungsoo has his name written on every page in that planner of his. When’s Kai’s birthday, hmmm?” Zitao guffaws, almost spitting out his bubble tea.

Of course it is hilarious to them; Do Kyungsoo, whose biggest dream is to graduate with summa laude honors, obsessed with KPOP? It would be more believable if he announced that he wants to study penguins in Antarctica for ten years. For a split second, an unsettling mixture of annoyance and bitterness curls up inside of Kyungsoo. He wants to snap “January 14, 1994” at them out of spite, but avoids the urge to do so by burying his head back into his notecards.

The two of them seem to mistake his sour mood for petulance at being poked fun at. “Awww, Soo,” Zitao sighs. “You know we were just joking. It’s like how I joke around that you’re my boyfriend. You’re not actually gay, and you’re not actually an EXO fan.”

“That’s what we love about you, Soo,” Joy muses, putting a hand on his back. “You’re our serious Kyungsoo, who knows what he wants in life.”

“You got that right,” Kyungsoo says dryly, still reading his notes. “Good grades and then a good job.”

“What about marriage?” Zitao asks, hands cupped prettily under his chin. “Don’t you want to get married?”

“Ummm…”

All of a sudden, the only thing that Kyungsoo can think about is Jongin.

“If it doesn’t mess up my plans?” He answers, suddenly uncertain.

“Love is love, hyung,” Zitao says wisely, arching his back like a cat and then stretching his arms above his head. “One day, it’s going to hit you like a truck.”

If only they knew.

Kim Jongin has a really nice smile.

Not that Kyungsoo had ever caused it. Nor even that it had been directed to him in any way.

It had been nearly three weeks since Kim Jongin and Byun Baekhyun had made waves in their small high school classroom. Every single day, Kyungsoo found his eyes drawn to Jongin: the line of his jaw, the darkness of his eyes, the soft curve of his nose. The more he stared, the more embarrassed he felt. The amount of curiosity, almost strange affection that he felt for this boy was far too much. They had never even said a word to each other. It also didn’t help that Kyungsoo was often caught by Baekhyun; their eyes meet, Baekhyun grins, and Kyungsoo hotly drops his gaze.

Baekhyun had probably already told Jongin about his awkward admirer. Jongin probably thought Kyungsoo was weird. No: Jongin most definitely thought that Kyungsoo was weird, even without Baekhyun’s help. How could he not? After all, Kyungsoo was the big-eyed, silent loner who had been in high school for weeks and had yet to make a single friend.

Chanyeol was still his friend, of course. He always looked for Kyungsoo in their shared lunch break, dropping by his classroom with one hand around his packed lunch and the other stretched out to tousle the smaller’s hair or wrestle him into a hug. It felt nice to be wanted, to be the recipient of blatant fondness. Kyungsoo was Chanyeol’s number one and Chanyeol was his. However, the bell signaling the end of lunch always sent Kyungsoo crashing back into reality. As unwavering as Chanyeol’s loyalty to Kyungsoo was, he had his own friends in his classroom. It was time for Kyungsoo to find his own too.

But this was easier said than done.

“Luhan?” Kyungsoo called out softly one day, his fingers curled gently over the house phone as he laid in bed.

“Yeah?”

“Why did you want to become my friend?”

Luhan made a quiet noise: it was something between a sigh and a croon, and the sensation of the sound felt similar to having gentle fingers trace circles into your skin. “You are very sincere,” He said, voice sloping over the first syllable in a way that was unique to Luhan’s accent. “You are not manipulative at all. You wear your heart on your sleeve. When you want something, you make it clear that you do and you pursue it.”

Kyungsoo’s face burned at that. “Then you wouldn’t like me now.”

“And why is that?”

“I’m still as obvious as ever… but I don’t have any guts to do anything anymore.”

Luhan was silent.

“Are you disappointed?” Kyungsoo asked lightly, trying to keep the thick emotion out of his voice.

“I am sad,” Luhan stated simply. “That does not sound like the Kyungsoo I know.”

That time, it was Kyungsoo’s turn to be quiet.

The next day at school, Kyungsoo was even more reserved than usual. Luhan’s words were still ringing through him. They wouldn’t get out of his head, and he carried them like chains throughout his entire morning.

It only became worse when their whole class was herded off to the locker rooms to change for gym. Without even the distraction of the teacher’s lectures, the memory of last night’s conversation with Luhan returned stronger than ever. Desperate, Kyungsoo yanked his uniform over his head and looked wildly around for a distraction.

And that was when he saw Kim Jongin right behind him, pretty as always, standing by himself. His chin was dipped down, and his fingers worked quickly to undo the buttons of his shirt.

Perhaps it was the noise in his head, or the self-frustration burning at the bottom of his throat... or perhaps it was simply the desire for more of Kim Jongin. Whatever it was, it caused Kyungsoo to square his shoulders, look straight at the boy, and ask:

“Do you dance?”

Jongin’s head flew up. His eyes met Kyungsoo’s for the first time. “Excuse me?” He asked, confused.

“At SM Entertainment. Are you training in dance?”

His question was met with a silent Jongin, whose eyes only widen at the clarification. His lips parted, but then he hesitated; he bit down on his bottom lip in uncertainty. His gaze fell to the floor.

“Just because,” Kyungsoo said quickly, completely regretting his impulsiveness. “I thought that you would look really beautiful if you were to dance on a stage.” He coughed, looking away. “Or something like that.”

There was a moment of silence as Kyungsoo fussed with his gym shirt, refusing to look at Jongin.

“You’re right. I’m a dancer.”

Kyungsoo’s head snapped up. Jongin was looking at him. A shy but happy smile curved his lips upwards, and his whole face seemed to glow. “Thank you very much.” He said with soft sincerity.

Kyungsoo opened his mouth to say more— but exactly what, he will never be sure, because at that moment two boys decided to pass by their section of the locker room. “Holy ! He’s ing dark!” One of them howled, stopping his friend to point at Jongin’s exposed chest and gape.

The friend laughed out loud. “I’ve never seen a Korean with skin that ing dark. Don’t you want to be an idol? You better get that fixed.”

The smile slipped off of Jongin’s face. His lips pressed together, and he turned to face away from them.

Something hot flared up inside of Kyungsoo’s chest. “Do I have to remind you that he’s training under SME?” He snapped, rolling his eyes at them. “You shouldn’t be too quick to talk trash when you have a face that even your mother wouldn’t be able to love.”

The tightness inside of Kyungsoo loosened up when he saw Jongin crack a grin at that last retort. However, it was short-lived.

“Oh please.” One of them smirked. “Talking big to try to get into the trainees’ good books? What’s next, Do Kyungsoo? Planning on to finally make a friend?”

“He has a friend, actually,” A sharp voice cut through. The two boys immediately fell back, faces clouded, to let Baekhyun walk through. With a short bark of “get lost, you stupid s”, the two scampered away with their tails between their legs.

“Thanks for that,” Kyungsoo muttered, face completely red. “You didn’t have to lie though,” He said in an even quieter voice.

Baekhyun tilted his head. “I didn’t,” He said simply. He extended a hand towards Kyungsoo. “Byun Baekhyun.”

Kyungsoo took it. “Do Kyungsoo,” He murmured, so quietly that he wasn’t sure that Baekhyun could hear him.

“What?” A third voice asked, and Kyungsoo turned to see Jongin, curiosity painted on his face.

Kyungsoo took a deep breath. “I’m Do Kyungsoo.”

Jongin smiled brilliantly. “I’m Kim Jongin.”

Kyungsoo receives close to thirty text messages from Jongin on Tuesday night. The majority of them are just emoticons, but the ones that actually have words explain that his manager had scheduled dance rehearsal for the Gayo Daejun subunit right over their usual date time. Jongin had apologized profusely and proposed video chatting as an alternative. Kyungsoo flips quickly over his planner, making sure that he doesn’t have anything urgent due the next day before sending his reply: yes, Jongin, that’s fine.

So at eleven o’clock on the dot, Kyungsoo is interrupted from his studying by the sound of obnoxious blaring from his phone. He takes his time to jot down his last point in his Genetics notes, close his book, and then zip up his pencil case before he finally answers the call. Jongin’s face comes into view on the screen, a little pink. His black hair is dripping wet, soaking into his shoulder. “Hey, you!” The younger says cheerfully.

“Jongin,” Kyungsoo sighs, ignoring the familiar greeting. “You’re going to catch a cold if you don’t dry your hair after you shower.”

“I couldn’t wait to see you.”

Kyungsoo purses his lips. “Dry your hair next time.”

Jongin nods, obviously distracted. The way he looks at Kyungsoo, the fond glow in his expression visible even through the grainy screen of the cell phone, leaves little confusion as to what exactly preoccupies his thoughts. “How are you, hyung?”

“You know.” Kyungsoo shrugs. “Same as always. What about you?”

“It’s been good. The new song is really fun to perform.” Jongin’s eyes flicker down, and then back up again. “Did you see our recent win?”

Kyungsoo nods. “Of course! I watch all of your shows.”

Jongin bites his lip. “What did you think of my win speech?”

“Ummm….” No matter how much Kyungsoo racks his brain, he can’t remember what Jongin had said (or even the fact that Jongin had given the win speech this time). “It was okay?”

“Just ‘okay’?”

The disappointment in Jongin’s voice makes Kyungsoo’s heart sink. He is obviously missing a huge detail. “Jongin, I—”

“This is pathetic,” A new voice sounds from across the room, and Jongin turns to watch the third party member saunter over to plop down into his lap. Jongdae’s face fills the screen. “Hey, Soo.”

“Long time no see, Jongdae hyung,” Kyungsoo says politely.

“Seriously. You haven’t been over for ages.” Jongdae breathes hard through his mouth, rolling his eyes dramatically. “Anyways, what this idiot is trying to ask you is if you noticed that he mentioned you in his speech.”

Surprise flashes through Kyungsoo’s body. It’s followed closely by a small flush of warmth. And then the anxiety sets in. “Wait, Jongin, you said my name in your speech?” Kyungsoo asks sharply.

Jongin shakes his head furiously from his spot behind Jongdae. “No! Of course not! I just, I don’t know, I wanted to thank—”

“He did it indirectly.” Jongdae is looking at Kyungsoo in a funny way. “It was— you know, let’s just send him the video—”
 

They fumble around with Jongdae’s phone for a minute, and then Kyungsoo’s laptop lights up with a new message. He clicks on it and then opens the link in a new web browser. He skips forward past the obnoxiously fake who’s going to win who’s going to win banter in the beginning (everyone knows that the other group doesn’t hold a candle to EXO), the confetti falling, and the MCs’ congratulatory titters.

In the video, Junmyeon passes Jongin the microphone. The latter looks straight at the screen and launches into the traditional fast-paced acceptance speech. “I would really like to thank everyone who has supported us on today’s stage: Lee SooMan, our manager hyungs, the SM family, Sookyung hyung, all of our staff, and of course our fans. Thank you very much! We are one! We love you all!”

Kyungsoo exits out of the window. He doesn’t know whether to burst out laughing or chastise Jongin for being so rash. He finally settles on a simple “Sookyung hyung?”

Jongdae snorts. “No one ever claimed that Jongin is the most creative person alive.”

Jongin smiles sheepishly. “I didn’t want it to be too obscure, or else you wouldn’t realize.”

“Don’t worry, it was nowhere near obscure.” Jongdae laughs. “Actually, most of our fans thought he was trying to say ‘water goggles’ instead of a name, so now they’re all scouring the Internet to find who it could possibly be a code name for.”

“That’s… a relief, I guess.”

Jongin pokes his head out from behind Jongdae’s shoulder. “Did you not watch that performance, hyung?” He asks, voice small.

“I….” Kyungsoo swallows. “I thought I did? I always watch them when they come out?” Everything is coming out as a question. “I must have missed one?”

Jongin’s lower lip is jutting out a little more than usual, but he nods. “I know you do, hyung. It’s not your fault.”

Despite the fact that his boyfriend is being incredibly understanding about it, the guilt is still seeping into Kyungsoo. But it’s not a very good situation to discuss their feelings in, what with Jongdae using Jongin’s lap like a throne, so Kyungsoo files it in the back of his mind as something they need to talk about at a later time.

Thankfully, Sehun chooses that moment to pop up from behind Jongin and Jongdae, effectively causing Kyungsoo to jump a foot in the air. “How long have you been there?” Jongdae asks, eyeing their maknae with a mixture of disbelief and grudging admiration.

“Just a minute or five.” Sehun brushes off his knees and drags up a chair from the desk across the room so he can sit next to Jongin. “Kyungsoo hyung! It’s been so long! I thought you broke up with Jongin or something!”

“Nope, not yet,” Kyungsoo says dryly, watching Jongin kick the other’s chair away.

“But seriously, you haven’t been to our dorm in a while.” Jongdae rubs his jaw thoughtfully. He glances away from the screen for a second, at what Kyungsoo knows from prior visits is the direction of the door, before dropping his voice to a secretive volume. “You’re coming to Yixing’s surprise birthday party, right?”

“When is it?”

“The Thursday after his actual birthday.”

Kyungsoo pulls out his planner and flips through the pages to look for that date. Sehun guffaws and makes another stupid comment. Jongin quickly retaliates by smacking the back of his head. When Kyungsoo finally finds that Thursday, he blinks a couple of times and then raises his head, an apologetic frown already plastered over his face. “I have a career consultation with my dean that night.”

Jongin groans and buries his head into Jongdae’s back. “Your university is trying to kill you,” He complains, voice muffled by his hyung’s shirt. Sehun tries to hide it but his reaction is similar; disappointment fills his face.

But Jongdae doesn’t give up. “Can’t you just come after? We’re probably going to hang out until past midnight, anyways.”

Kyungsoo reluctantly looks back at his schedule. “I have an 8AM class the next morning,” He states. Though he doesn’t directly answer the question, the underlying meaning is clear.

“You could stay for an hour?” Jongin offers. “Like come late after your consultation, and then leave early.”

Kyungsoo is shaking his head before Jongin is even done talking. “It’s too long of a commute for that short of a time, and I have too much to do.”

Jongdae is confused; Kyungsoo can see it in the way his eyes narrow. “You haven’t missed Yixing’s birthday parties for four years.”

“College students have a lot to do, Jongdae hyung,” Jongin defends his boyfriend.

“I really want to go. I promise. It’s just that… I… I’ll let you guys know, okay?” Kyungsoo ruffles the back of his hair, shaking his head in exasperation. “Jongin-ah, I’m really sorry but I have to go now. I have a lot more to do before I can sleep tonight.”

Jongin looks crestfallen, but he puts on a brave face for the other and waves cheerfully at him. Jongdae and Sehun say their goodbyes and slip away, allowing the two of them to have their privacy once more. Jongin looks to make sure the door has closed before dropping his head into his hand and pushing his elbows on the desk. “I’m sorry again that we couldn’t have our car date.”

“It’s okay, Jongin.” Kyungsoo smiles. “I understand.”

The affection is back in Jongin’s face. It iss so overpowering that Kyungsoo thinks, for just a moment, that a person like him doesn’t deserve that much adoration. “Good night, Kyungsoo hyung. I love you!”

“Good night, Jongin. I do too.”

They were running warmup laps for gym when Baekhyun turned to Kyungsoo and said bluntly, “Jongin talks about you a lot during training.”

Kyungsoo choked on his spit. He spent the next two minutes trying not to suffocate as Baekhyun looked on with minimal concern. “And you’re telling me this why…?” Kyungsoo asked when he was finally done dying.

Baekhyun shrugged. “Jongin’s not at school today, so this is the only chance to tell you.”

“That’s not what I meant.”

Baekhyun smiled angelically at him. “I know.”

The gym teacher called for them to stop, so they jogged over to where the rest of the students were and started stretching. “All I’m saying,” Baekhyun continued, pushing his arms above his head. “Is that every SM trainee knows who you are by now.”

“Okay…?”

“Because Jongin talks about you.”

“I got that, thanks.”

“He literally won’t shut up about you.”

“Kinda like how you won’t shut up right now?” Kyungsoo asked irritably.

Baekhyun clapped his hands together. “Exactly! Wow, you’re so smart, that’s why you’re rank one in our school! Maybe that’s also why Jongin has a crush on you—”

Kyungsoo violently shoved Baekhyun into a sitting position. The latter complained loudly as Kyungsoo “helped” him stretch out his back by pressing his weight down on him.

Unfortunately, even that didn’t deter Baekhyun from his quest to annoy Kyungsoo to death. “You know how Jongin is friends with Taemin from SHINee?”

“Yeah….” Kyungsoo answered cautiously. He traded spots with Baekhyun, sitting on the ground.

“SHINee’s Taemin knows who ‘Do Kyungsoo’ is.”

Kyungsoo can’t deny it: that’s pretty cool. “What exactly is Jongin saying about me?”

Baekhyun snickered to himself from behind Kyungsoo. The latter had to resist the urge to elbow him in the stomach. “It changes by day, but it’s usually variations of—” Baekhyun switched to an obnoxiously high-pitched voice. “‘Kyungsoo hyung is so nice’, ‘Today Kyungsoo hyung helped me with my math homework’, ‘OMG you drink water? What a coincidence! There’s this hyung I know— his name is Do Kyungsoo— who also drinks water!’”

Kyungsoo had become so red in the face that Baekhyun cackled and whipped out his phone to take a picture. He fought Baekhyun away from him, vehemently denying that he was blushing.

A couple of hours later, Kyungsoo called Luhan over Skype and told him about what Baekhyun had said. Luhan listened quietly the whole time, his pretty face cupped in one hand and his elbow perched on his desk. When Kyungsoo finished, the boy straightened up. “And how did it make you feel?”

Surprised, Kyungsoo asked, “How did what make me feel?”

“When Baekhyun told you about Jongin.”

It was a simple, straightforward question. And it wasn’t that Kyungsoo didn’t know the answer, but rather that he didn’t know how to express the glow that surged up from the very center of his chest. He sat for a moment, pressing his lips together and staring at his hands. Luhan waited patiently, his doe eyes trained on his friend.

“I wanted Baekhyun to stop talking because I was embarrassed,” Kyungsoo replied slowly, picking his words carefully. Luhan hummed encouragingly. “But at the same time, I wanted to hear more. Not just about Jongin mentioning me at training, but everything about Jongin.”

And even through the bad quality Skype call, Luhan could see the rest of the unspoken words that were lit up in Kyungsoo’s face. His face broke into a smile that split from ear to ear. “I approve of Jongin as your boyfriend. He seems like a sweet kid.”

“He’s not my boyfriend,” Kyungsoo mumbled, his face falling on his keyboard. “I don’t even know if he is gay. And even if he is gay, he might not be out of the closet.” He sighed loudly. “Being gay in Korea is scary.”

“But,” Luhan’s voice was as gentle as always. “Jongin is—” He cuts himself off, frowning suddenly. “I can’t remember what that word is in Korean. It is like when something is going to be difficult, but if it is for the other person then everything will be okay…?”

“Worth it.” Kyungsoo smiled. “Jongin is worth it.”

A couple of seconds passed, and then the two of them burst into a fit of giggles. Luhan stuck out his tongue, squeezing his eyelids shut. “I actually got goosebumps from how cheesy that was.”

“You basically cornered me into saying it!” Kyungsoo protested loudly, laughing.

“You could have just said the words!” Luhan teased. “Look how red your ears are!”

Kyungsoo began to protest loudly and fervently, and the two boys bickered playfully for a solid five minutes before moving on to talk about Luhan and his school’s soccer team.

Later, right before Kyungsoo fell asleep, he thought of tan skin and big eyes, the way that sunlight hits Jongin’s eyelashes when he laughs at one of Baekhyun’s joke and how his lips pucker out when he says “Do Kyungsoo”.

Being gay in Korea was scary, but Kyungsoo couldn’t help but think that it would be okay if it were with Jongin.

The papers are spread out in front of Kyungsoo, and his foot taps nervously against the floor as he looks at the options. The career counselor looks on patiently as the other squirms in obvious anxiety. “It’s just… I’ve never thought about it before?” Kyungsoo says, swallowing.

“It’s simple, really. These pamphlets are mostly for formalities.” The counselor smiles at him, attractive in her straight white teeth and short dark hair. “What do you like?”

Kyungsoo answers immediately: “Biology.”

She laughs. “Well, I would hope so, considering that it is your major. But what about biology interests you? Where can you see yourself applying it in life?”

And this is where Kyungsoo is stumped. Because he has never really thought about why it interests him: maybe it’s the way it explains how life works, or maybe it’s because biology is straightforward and there is always a right answer. But he has never really seen it as a pathway to a specific career.

“Teaching, perhaps?” She offers— but Kyungsoo is already making a face.

“Can you imagine yourself working in a research facility?”

Kyungsoo considers it for a moment, but then shakes his head.

“What about pairing Biology with an Economics degree? Then you would have options in—”

“I was never one for Econ,” Kyungsoo admits.

The counselor nods understandingly. “Well, Kyungsoo, I would say that you need some more time to think about this by yourself. Why don’t you take home these packets,” She procures a manila envelope and proceeds to stuff it alarmingly full of papers. “And we can have a follow-up meeting sometime in the near future?”

Kyungsoo nods, taking the folder that she offers him and bowing. “Thank you very much for your time.”

When he steps out of the office and the door closes, Kyungsoo immediately deflates. This was supposed to be a revelation for him, a sort of Bildungsroman where the truth is finally revealed and his whole life is suddenly sorted out. But instead he has become more confused. The only thing he has realized was how little he actually knew about himself.

His apartment feels strangely cold and empty; for once, Kyungsoo actually wishes he had a roommate. He turns on all the lights and then fiddles with the thermostat half-heartedly before giving up and heading over to the pantry. There is one packet of tea left— the Chinese one that Jongin had sent him a couple weeks ago. It looks a little lonely sitting by itself on the shelf; Kyungsoo had thrown away the box to make room. Deciding to put it out of its misery, he grabs it along with the hot water boiler.

The drink warms him up, but the loneliness is still stirring in his stomach. It makes him feel somewhat uneasy. He pulls out his phone and checks the time: he got out earlier than he had expected to. The memory of Jongdae asking him about Yixing’s birthday party flickers through his mind, and he chews on his lip.

He checks the time once more.

Sipping on his tea, Kyungsoo goes through his text messages. Jongin has left him quite a few, a cute little “fighting for your career consultation”, a “how did it go?? i bet it was great!”, and the most recent one: “soo hyungggggggg do you think you can come tonight???”

Kyungsoo puts down his phone and presses his thumbs against his temples. For a while, he just stays in that position, the taste of the tea still in his mouth.

And then suddenly, he straightens up. His eyes come to focus in front of him. He picks up his phone from its discarded position on the table and goes to the search browser.

If my waist hurts, what kind of doctor should I visit?

He presses “enter”. The results flood the page.

Orthopedic doctor.

It’s only when the phone rings that Kyungsoo becomes aware of how much time has passed. One and a half hours. He had been so immersed in finding out all he could, reading the forums and explanations of how to pursue this practice, that he hadn’t realized that he had never texted Jongin back.

The Caller ID flashes Baekhyun’s name. Kyungsoo takes a moment to turn on the lights (another thing he had forgotten to do) before he answers.

 

“Are you okay?” Baekhyun asks immediately, before Kyungsoo can even say hello.

“I’m fine?”

Baekhyun lets out a sigh of relief. “Good, that’s a relief, I— I don’t know, Jongin just told me that you never responded to his texts after looking at them, and I just thought that was kinda weird, you know? Thought something might have happened.”

Kyungsoo makes a sheepish noise under his breath. “Sorry, Baekhyun hyung, I was a bit distracted.” And then, his brow creases. “Wait… why wasn’t Jongin the one who called? Is everything okay?”

There is an exasperated sigh over the line. When Baekhyun talks again, the underlying annoyance in his voice is unmistakable. “He didn’t want to call in case you were busy. He didn’t want to bother you.”

Something in Kyungsoo’s throat constricts, and he opens his mouth to talk but nothing comes out from the tightness in his chest.

“I told him he was being stupid, because it’s so late and your career consultation was definitely over by now,” Baekhyun continues his rant. “And that you could be in some kind of trouble, you know? But noooooo, Jongin told me he didn’t want to be annoying.”

“Put him on, please,” Kyungsoo asks softly, finally finding his voice. “I want to talk to Jongin.”

There is some shuffling, with muffled yells of Jongin’s name. And then there is the sound of Jongin’s soft breathing over the line. “Hello?” The younger asks, hesitant.

“Hey, you,” Kyungsoo says fondly, his hand curling tightly around the phone.

“Hey, you.” Jongin replies. He sounds so tired. “How was the meeting with the counselor?”

“It was really good, actually. Thanks for asking.”

“I’m glad.”

There is an awkward pause. There always seem to be awkward pauses between them nowadays, in which neither of them has anything to say or in which both of them have too much to say.

“Jongin.” Kyungsoo takes a deep breath. “You can call me anytime. You aren’t bothering me.”

“I just don’t want to get in the way,” Jongin replies, voice impossibly small.

“You can call me whenever you want,” Kyungsoo insists. His free hand curls into a fist in his lap.

“Okay, hyung,” Jongin answers. “I understand.”

Guilt is still curling up in Kyungsoo’s body, an ugly monster that grows a little more each day, so he blurts out, “You know that you’re important to me, right? You know that I care?”

Jongin’s voice immediately seems to brighten. “I know.”

There is a brief lapse in conversation, before Kyungsoo asks, “How is the party?”

Jongin laughs. “Sehun got Yixing pretty tipsy. He kissed Jongdae hyung on the mouth and then passed out on the couch.” He clears his throat. “Did you figure out what you want to do in the future, then?”

“Yeah, I did actually. I—”

And then Kyungsoo hesitates. Telling Jongin about something as personal as his recently-discovered dream over the phone seems strangely detached and insignificant. It doesn’t sit well with him.

So Kyungsoo changes the subject. “Is that Junmyeon hyung calling for you?”

“It is, but if I told him that I have to talk to you, it would probably be fine. Yixing hyung isn’t even awake anyways.”

“Still… I would hate to take you away from the party.” Kyungsoo shifts in his seat. “You should go, Jongin.”

“Okay.” His reluctance is obvious, but Jongin has never been one to refuse Kyungsoo. “Bye, hyung. See you on Wednesday?”

“I’ll see you then. Promise.”