“I’ll go.”

 

“Yes.”

 

Chanyeol finished zipping up his coat and putting on his shoes, but his legs haven’t taken him out of the apartment yet. His eyes are glued to his boyfriend’s form, quick fingers cleaning the table up after their impromptu takeout dinner.

 

Kyungsoo notices the miss of the door opening and looks up with curious eyes.

 

“Do you need something? Should I pack some food for you?”

 

“No, I’ll stop by the restaurant anyway.”

 

“Put your seatbelt on” is the last thing Kyungsoo says before he disappears into the kitchen.

 

Chanyeol opens the front door with a sigh. The cool, chilly November air hits him in the face and makes his eyes sting.

 

“Yes, mom.”

 

He has more than half an hour until the show starts, so Chanyeol steers the wheel leisurely… his movements are slow and measured but his thoughts are whirling fast and uncontrollably in his head.

 

He should be used to it by now. This should be something he accepted as soon as he has thought about becoming more to Do Kyungsoo than just a friend but Park Chanyeol can’t help the annoyed but also longing feeling he has in his chest lately.

 

Are they really boyfriends?

 

They don’t live together. It’s going to be three years since that unusually sunny February afternoon, when they had kissed for the first time, and Kyungsoo had promised to stay for longer. Three years, and they still don’t have a place they can call theirs, something which they can point at or think of and say “ours”… Chanyeol spends most of his time at Kyungsoo’s, and when he can’t make it, Kyungsoo visits him instead. They’re together when they can, and always make sure to have time for the other. Yet it’s been three years of back and forth between their apartments located at the other ends of the city, and Chanyeol thinks he’s not sure how long he can go on like this.

 

It’s not just moving in together, but the little things - Chanyeol misses the fond look from Kyungsoo’s eyes, he longs for a gentle but earnest touch or even more, for some shy “I love you”s at times. They’re supposed to be boyfriends after all. Boyfriends do things like these.

 

Are they in love at all?

 

Chanyeol parks the car in front of the restaurant with a heavier heart. He certainly is. Otherwise he would have given up long ago. He’s always been more on the romantic side but possesses enough sense of reality to know when it’s worth to continue and when it’s the best to stop. Until now, he hasn’t even thought of stopping and even now when he sees things in a different light, thinks back to know how things were, he still wants to reach further.

 

The only question is what Kyungsoo wants.

 

Kyungsoo, who waits for him with a mug of hot tea after a tiring broadcast, but the warmth is only present in the drink, not in his words. Kyungsoo, who snuggles closer to his body when it’s too cold, but never snuggles closer to his heart. Kyungsoo is always there, but somehow never quite there at the same time. Chanyeol sees a long string of memories made during three years in framed pictures by day and behind his closed eyelids by night, but the vicious feel of not-enough and should-be-more make him doubt and not see it more than an evidence of a made-up love.

 

Is it really made up though? Or is he the stupid one for doubting something he shouldn’t; is he the stupid one for wanting more when he already has everything he ever wanted to have?

 

Chanyeol takes a deep breath and locks the car in the parking lot. However things are now, this is not the time to worry about them. He better turns that page and looks ahead.

 

It’s easier said than done. Entering the chicken restaurant Chanyeol expects to get the usual cheerful “How can I help you”, but instead he is presented with the view of a couple cuddling behind the counter. They’re so lost in each other, they don’t even notice the new customer until said new customer raises his voice.

 

“You’re open, idiots.”

 

“Only the restaurant is open.” Baekhyun leans back, his mouth popping free but his hands are still on their property. “Though Jongdae will be open in two hours…”

 

Chanyeol cringes. He really could have lived without that image… as well as the image of the two of them being so close. It’s just another log to the bonfire of his misery.

 

“You’re disgusting.” Jongdae brushes his boyfriend off, but his grin says he wishes those hours would pass fast. “Sorry, Chan’. What can we get you?”

 

“The usual and you being one meter apart from each other.”

 

Words stumbled out of his mouth faster than he could process how he will sound if he says that and, as Baekhyun shots him a questioning look while Jongdae is taking another order, Chanyeol knows he has screwed up.

 

“I’ll make your chicken extra spicy if you don’t give me a proper explanation of why those extra words were needed.”

 

Since the restaurant is empty (saved for three teenagers who are scrolling through their phones and a group of office workers who had come out for teambuilding) Chanyeol and Baekhyun are seated at the best spot, far in the back, next to the shop window.

 

“Spill.”

 

Chanyeol props his chin into the palm of his hand without a blink.

 

“There’s nothing to say.”

 

“Come on, ‘Yeol, there is always something to say.” Baekhyun pushes. “How are you and ‘Soo doing?”

 

Straight to the point. Very Baekhyun.

 

“You seem like I’m right. There is something to say.” Baekhyun wiggles his eyebrows. “Tell me everything.”

 

“I don’t feel loved.”

 

Baekhyun’s grin falters for a second but he recovers quickly and tries to show the bright image he’s so great at. Chanyeol appreciates it and tries to think of it as a friendly gesture but his clouded mind can only interpret it as “He knows and he knows you’re right”.

 

“Well, I didn’t see that coming. What do you mean you don’t –“

 

“I give him everything I can but I feel like I don’t get enough in return. Like I feel more for him… more than what he feels for me.”

 

This should be an awkward conversation. Back in high school, when the topic of love had come up, both of them had laughed at it and concluded it by “kiss who you want and do it as long as you feel like it” although both of them had known that this is not the case. Regardless, it had been awkward.

 

Now it isn’t. Chanyeol knows he can tell Baekhyun about this foreign feeling because Baekhyun understands.

 

“You’re talking bull.”

 

Apparently he can’t understand everything.

 

“You give everything you can? Are you sure?” Baekhyun his head up in an accusing manner. “You don’t get enough in return? You can’t even appreciate what you have.”

 

Chanyeol clenches his mouth. That has been uncalled for.

 

“I didn’t come here to hear this.”

 

“I know. You want to hear you’re right but I can’t say that because you aren’t.”

 

“What are you talking about?!”

 

Baekhyun sighs. He looks towards the counter where Jongdae is putting food on the tray, his mouth humming an easy tune. Chanyeol thinks it’s the same look he has in his own eyes when Kyungsoo changes the bed sheets and his foot taps to the rhythm coming from the radio.

 

Jongdae notices the attention on him and sends a cheeky wink to the smaller of them before he goes back to the kitchen. Baekhyun smiles.

 

Kyungsoo doesn’t wink. When he notices Chanyeol is looking, he just grips the edge of the sheet harder and turns his head away.

 

“People are different… We have different needs and different reactions. You misinterpret him, Yeol. You jump to conclusion too quickly…”

 

“It’s been three years.”

 

“Does that matter? I mean, of course it matters, but do they hold a meaning regarding to this? What has ‘three years’ to do with your feelings?”

 

Chanyeol reaches for the salt shaker on the table. It doesn’t help him, but it keeps his hands busy, the little action calming his nerves.

 

“I know we’re different. I accept that we are… but how else would I know this is worth it? How else would you know the one who you love, loves you back, if not judging from his actions or words?”

 

This conversation is getting too philosophical, something none of them is good at. Baekhyun realizes that too and letting out a frustrated huff, his hand unconsciously reaches for the pepper pot.

 

“You can’t be telling me that Kyungsoo doesn’t show his feelings at all. He’s a bit a reserved but is not insensitive. Are you sure you’re showing your feelings right?”

 

Chanyeol thinks of the mornings when Kyungsoo greets him with a mug of coffee and a cool “Good morning”. He sits up in bed with a tired groan and reaches for it. The first sip however makes him frown - the coffee Kyungsoo serves him is cold every morning, no matter how fast Chanyeol opens his eyes and puts the blanket away. His coffee is cold, while Kyungsoo is sitting on the other side of the bed, sipping on warm tea with two slumps of sugar, the transparent steam making his eyes water and those inviting lips tremble. Chanyeol knows their contrast; that they’re on different pages and opposite ends, but never thinks too much of it, instead, he loves how well they complement each other. But as they’re sitting next to each other, distance less than an arm’s length, casually drinking their wake up call, Chanyeol feels like they’re miles away.

 

And he moves to change it – puts the half-empty mug down on the night table and links their fingers lying next to each other gently. What does Kyungsoo do? Chanyeol hopes he puts his own mug down and leans over for a sweet kiss… on the contrary though, Kyungsoo’s fingers stiffen in his hold and he focuses on his tea even more. At the end Chanyeol gets up and, leaving a fleeting kiss on his boyfriend’s forehead, goes to take a lonely shower.

 

Chanyeol shows his feelings, right?

 

Maybe he could have said something; the idea comes suddenly, days later, sitting in a chicken restaurant broken and numb. “Thank you for the coffee”, “Good morning to you too”, “How was your sleep?” Maybe he could have leaned over to kiss Kyungsoo sweetly instead of sitting there waiting. He could have put Kyungsoo’s mug to the side and bring him closer, into a warm embrace.

 

Chanyeol shows his feelings… right?

 

“Yeol.” Baekhyun meets their eyes to drag his friend out of his thoughts. “Are you okay?”

 

“I am… I’m trying.” Chanyeol gulps to make the uncomfortable knot in his throat disappear, unsuccessfully. “I love Kyungsoo. He knows.”

 

Baekhyun nods uncertainly. Chanyeol sounds like he wants to prove it, not just to him but himself too. But does he know?

 

Before they could converse more, Jongdae walks to their table with a full tray and a smile.

 

“One set of spicy chicken wings and fries arrived- What’s going on? You’re playing with those spices like two awkward kids.”

 

Baekhyun and Chanyeol put the pots down with a loud thud, causing the third one laugh even more.

 

Baekhyun drags Jongdae to sit on his lap and the latter complies by putting an arm around his shoulders. Jongdae’s free hand intertwines with Baekhyun’s under the table, out of Chanyeol’s, as well as everyone else’s sight.

 

Chanyeol knows their story. He knows that Baekhyun had to ask Jongdae out five times to get him out on a date and knows all the other obstacles in their way too. It’s a miracle that the two of them work, everybody knows. Yet they do.

 

“I think I’m going to eat this at the station.” Chanyeol stands up and clears his throat. “Thanks, guys. I think I’ll drop by some time again.”

 

“You haven’t eaten one single fry. Come on.” Jongdae whines.

 

Kyungsoo never whines or nags. He either agrees with Chanyeol by humming lightly or disagrees with what he’s saying by voicing it out- People are different, Chanyeol clutches onto Baekhyun’s words earlier. There’s no need for comparisons. Go, Park Chanyeol, you have a broadcast in twenty minutes.

 

When the door closes after Chanyeol, Jongdae turns to his boyfriend, worried.

 

“What did you talk about? It didn’t look like something good to me. If you told him something stupid I swear –“

 

“Easy there. We’ve talked because he needed somebody to tell his problems to.”

 

“You can say pretty useless things.”

 

“I can be useful, thank you very much.” Baekhyun grumbles into his boyfriend’s neck. “He knows what he has to do anyway… he just hasn’t realized it yet. Let’s go back to the desk.”

 

 

* * *

 

“Hi there, everybody. We’re two minutes before midnight… In two minutes Park Chanyeol’s Midnight Hour begins.”

 

The writer noona at the other side of the glass doesn’t look satisfied with his greeting but Chanyeol can care less. While the commercials are playing, he reads through the schedule of tonight’s show, but his mind is still filled with Kyungsoo… or more like with the lack of him.

 

Funny he’s pondering on it now, after three years, Chanyeol comes to think, and even the edges of his mouth curl up into a bittersweet smile at the weirdness of it. During those years he has never felt this conflicted and helpless.

 

Sure, during those times they had been at the beginning stage of their relationship, they had been enveloped by a pink fog, and just the little, mushy feelings had given every little thing a way bigger meaning (Chanyeol remembers how his heart skipped a beat when, out of all people, Kyungsoo had asked him for the pepper pot when it was directly in front of him), but there had been sad, or more like hard times too. Chanyeol had failed an important class and had to pause a semester, had been full of negative thoughts and tension. Kyungsoo had had problems at home, his mother and sister moved abroad, leaving him with his father, who could never really understand his child’s preferences or decisions.

 

But they have had each other. They had supported each other and, at the end, had overcome those hardships. What’s different now?

 

The broadcast begins. There are no guests tonight, making Chanyeol’s situation a tad bit easier but he still gets some sublty implied suggestions during the break from the staff, as well as promises to treat him for food next week.

 

Chanyeol accepts everything he gets with a tired smile and sits back to continue, at least trying to look like he knows what he’s doing and that he’s present.

 

At halftime he gets a new message. His fingers tremble when he opens it.

 

“Are you okay? Take a break.”

 

Chanyeol hears in his ears the tone Kyungsoo would use if he said that directly to him – nonchalant eyes, careful words. Nothing more.

 

“I’m fine”, he texts back half-heartedly.

 

Kyungsoo usually stops after one message, so Chanyeol is surprised when he gets another one not more than a minute later.

 

“I’m waiting for you.”

 

The music break is soon over, he already has the next pages in his hands that he has to read out loud, but Chanyeol stares at his phone, awestruck.

 

I’m waiting for you, Kyungsoo had texted.

 

This sentence can mean a lot of things. It can be said in a lot of ways. You can say it irritated, when you’re waiting for someone who’s already too late. But you can it as a promise too, to let the other know you’ll be there.

 

Chanyeol isn’t good with double meanings, likes to open and honest. When he says something, he tries his best to make it clear what he wants. Kyungsoo… Kyungsoo is not like that. He doesn’t express himself easily or more like is afraid if he does, he’ll be misunderstood.

 

So when Kyungsoo says he’s waiting for him…

 

… it means he’s been there all along.

 

Kyungsoo might not act clingy or do cheesy things, but whether Chanyeol is looking or not, he listens to his boyfriend and always keeps his eyes on him. He doesn’t say “I need you”, but leaves a place for him on the sofa. His lips pull into a beautiful smile, into those smiles which grab Chanyeol’s heart, when he knows Chanyeol needs them. He doesn’t show them always to let Chanyeol know there’s a reason behind his smiles and most of the time they’re there because of him. Just like an hour ago, he had said “Should I pack some food for you?” because he had been worried about him eating well. And he asked Chanyeol to put his seatbelt on because winter is coming, the roads aren’t as safe anymore, and it’s deep into the night anyway.

 

Chanyeol has thought lately that the lack of reaction and action from his boyfriend mean that they’re not in love anymore… when for real they mean the opposite.

 

Chanyeol feels so anxious that he packs up as soon as he can when the broadcast is over and rushes to Kyungsoo’s house.

 

Kyungsoo is awake as he had promised. He’s sitting on the sofa in one of Chanyeol’s hoodies over his pyjamas and is hugging a pillow to his chest. When he hears Chanyeol stepping closer, he looks up.

 

Kyungsoo rarely cries, so Chanyeol wonders what the shimmer of light in his eyes could mean.

 

“You’re home.”

 

“Yes, I am.”

 

Chanyeol drops his bag to the floor and plops down to the sofa. He hugs Kyungsoo to his chest. Kyungsoo lets the pillow slip from his hands in favor of putting them to his boyfriend’s cold neck.

 

They sit in silence for a while. They’re usually enveloped in silence, especially lately, but now Chanyeol doesn’t feel like this silence is strange or uncomfortable. Thanks to it he can hear Kyungsoo’s heart beating rapidly next to his own, can hear his shuddering breath and concentrate on his warmth. Therefore, he holds his words back.

 

Kyungsoo apparently can’t.

 

“I… I’m not good at this. I’ve told you.”

 

Chanyeol remembers. During their third date, a very cute and blushing twenty-year-old Kyungsoo apologized for correcting the auntie that they’re not a couple. Chanyeol just chuckled at him and put more meat on his plate.

 

“I know you need more, I know you deserve more.” Kyungsoo’s voice drops at the end, ringing alarm bells in Chanyeol’s head. “But that’s all I can give. I… I can wait for you coming home from work. I can kiss you goodnight when you’re already asleep. I can only give you cold coffee because I don’t have the heart to wake you up sooner… and you’re too endearing, sleeping soundly like a child. I can’t sleep closer to you; I don’t want you to feel pressured to do something. I can stay next to you, but I don’t dare to reach out for you. I don’t want you to feel like what you do is not enough… but I see you’re not satisfied. I know you’re not happy with me, Chanyeol, so if you want to go, I’ll let you. You should be with someone who loves you the way you want them to.”

 

Chanyeol feels tears prickle in his eyes. He’s cried in front of Kyungsoo countless times, but this once, he doesn’t allow himself to, on the contrary, he hugs Kyungsoo tighter and leans his head lightly onto the other’s.

 

“No, that’s not right.” He hears the rasp in his own voice but continues anyway. “I don’t want to be loved the way I want to be, I want to be loved by you. I was so stupid and selfish for thinking it’s not enough. Because of my own, absurd fantasies I secluded myself and unintentionally made you feel even more insecure. Kyungsoo I… I feel really bad, even more than I felt lately. I don’t want to go. I want to stay with you. Just tell me how I should.”

 

Kyungsoo moves his head from under Chanyeol’s chin to look into his eyes.

 

“Do you really want to stay?”

 

“Yes. We can work this out. I’ll listen to you and you’ll listen to me. What do you think?”

 

Kyungsoo answers by shyly pressing his lips against his, and Chanyeol’s tears fall involuntarily as he responds to his boyfriend’s touch.

 

None of them has said “I love you”, “I need you”, “Stay with me” or “I can’t be without you”. But as the early morning goes on, and they tell each other everything they’ve kept inside, laughing at their stupidity and crying in bittersweet relief, Chanyeol thinks they feel it.

 

“I don’t like it when you ruffle my hair…”

 

“Okay.”

 

“… but I love ruffling yours.”

 

“Ya, Do Kyungsoo, how do you think is this is fair?”

 

“It’s not fair.”

 

“At least you admit it… Then I should tell you I don’t like your t-shirts.”

 

“What’s your problem with them?”

 

“They hide the view from me.”

 

“ert.”

 

They’re in love after all, have always been.