“I’ll be back tomorrow,” Taehyung told me as he casted a glance while putting on his jacket. It slipped on seamlessly, and I watched as his shoulders briefly move up and down for it to snuggly fit well. He told me earlier that he was going to meet up with the boys at the usual lot, and knowing how they usually were, they would spend the night watching home movies together. It was nothing that they had not done before. I stopped asking him questions about where the place was, what movie they would watch, who among the rest were going—because I knew. I knew the routine. He would go, then come back the day after in the early morning.

So why was I uneasy?

Don’t think about anything
Don’t even say a single word
Just laugh with me

He took of note my silence, and turned to me with an unreadable expression in his eyes. His eyebrows rose a bit, and I snapped out of my reverie to reply. “Okay,” I managed, and he moved closer to me before taking both my hands. His strong, larger ones ironically had a different touch as his thumbs caressed the back of my hand ever so gently, a gesture I was so used to when he wanted to reassure me that everything would be okay. It was the same thing I did when he came to my house, shaken up from whatever had happened in his home. His heavy and uneven breathing would not be calmed easily. Taking his hands, I spoke soft words of comfort. He would then relax and we spend the rest of the time in each other’s arms.

“Taehyung,” I called his name. He leaned forward, pressing his lips on my forehead. Hands still entwined, I called his name once more as I close my eyes. The uneasiness within grew, and Taehyung knew this when I squeeze his hands momentarily. Please don’t go. “Taehyung, I…” The words died in my mouth as I’m unable to go on, and he simply released a short chuckle in reply. It’s when he moved away that I saw a small smile now on his face, and his eyes crinkled a bit in amusement.

Will you stay by my side?
Will you promise me?
If I let you go of your hand, you’ll fly away, you’ll shatter
I’m afraid, afraid, afraid

“I love you,” he tried to complete my sentence, but it sounded more like he’ was saying it to me. It’s when he met my gaze that his smile fell, and then it came. That look again, that unreadable expression in his eyes when he turned his gaze aside. He squeezed my hands and his smile returned. “I love you.” He told me again, and this time, he directly meant to tell me what was on his mind—what was in his heart. There was sincerity laced in his voice, along with a hint of gratitude. A bit of remorse for the difficult times in the past. These were what these three words meant to me.

With that honest look in his eyes, the uneasiness dissipated as I returned his smile with my own. “I love you too, Taehyung.” I replied as he pulled me forward, and I entered his embrace as his arms wound around my waist, and mine around his neck. He took a deep breath. I felt the need to tell him more, to shake that nagging feeling at the back of my head, the unrest in my heart. “I’ll always love you.”

“Thank you,” he replied as we stoo there in silence. I felt regret and his all-too familiar jacket brushed against my fingertips as he pulled away, realizing that it’s time for him to go. “I should get going,” he stated as I nodded, then glanced at the clock.

“It’s a bit early,” I remarked, noticing that they usually meet a few hours later. This time he shrugged, and put his hands in his pockets.

“Yeah, but I thought it might be good to do a bit of thinking when I get there early.” That was all he said, and I just nodded along.

“Okay,” I quietly replied as I tiptoe, my lips meeting his gently. “Take care of yourself.”

“Yeah,” I straighten his jacket before we made our way to the door. He stepped out of the house, and I leaned against the doorway as I called out to him.

“Give them my love.” I said as he laughed.

“I’ll keep it for myself.” He devilishly grinned as I rolled my eyes. The uneasiness left me with that reply.

Just as so, he left. The day went on as usual, and while I received his random texts from him throughout the day, come early morning I stopped hearing from him. I thought to myself that he was just sleeping, he and the boys were probably playing a game by the campfire, or maybe they were at the swimming pool; yet there was that nagging feeling at the back of my head that something was not right. That feeling of uneasiness returned and I clenched my shirt, my breathing becoming slightly uneven with the quickening pace I was taking aroud my house. Was everything really okay?

Taehyung did not return home the next morning. There was no message, no call from him. The whole day was a still silence. It was in the evening, when the familiar purr of an engine filled my ears that I stormed out of my house in hopes that I would see the boys, Jin pulling up at the driveway, Namjoon in the passenger seat with Jungkook, Hoseok and Yoongi squished together at the back.  The blare of their loud music shattering the silence accompanied by their loud calls. Jimin would be sitting at back, and standing right there with him, with that familiar grin on his face, would be Taehyung. My Taehyung. Ready to come home.

Except it was not what I had expected.

Upon realizing that only Jin was inside the car, I stopped in my tracks. He did not bother shutting the engine as he stepped out, the headlights casting a long shadow in front of him as he crossed in front of the car.

“Where’s Taehyung?” I asked, a bit surprised at the anxiety laced in my voice as I raised it once again when he didn't reply. Dread rose in my heart. “J-Jin, where…?”

“I’m sorry,” his came out in a whisper, and he lifted his hands to push his hair back as his hands shook.  The dark circles in his eyes, the dilation of his pupils, the uneasy breaths escaping him. “We went to the beach, and then he—I mean we—we really tried… he just climbed up there and then—Namjoon told him—we all told him to come down and I—r-really—I’m so sorry—“ His words were a  mess as he broke into a fit of sobs, his shaking hand rising to cover his mouth.

Will you stop time?
If this moment passes
This might not have happened, that I’ll lose you
I’m afraid, afraid, afraid

He dropped to his knees first, and that’s when I realized what that uneasy feeling meant. Everything, from when he was leaving, to his incessant declaration of love, poignant kisses and tight embraces. That feeling that he was trying to say goodbye, trying to be truthful with me. Everything—his cunning grin, the sincere laugh, his face—came to mind when I finally pieced together what Jin was trying to say.

In that moment I did not feel anything, except that I was now on my knees, Jin holding me close as I screamed painfully. The surroundings, the purr of the engine, Jin’s damp clothes—everything was numb and tuned out at the cause of my shattered heart.

Taehyung was not coming home.

He was never coming home.