Voicemail sent on 3 February 2015 at 9:23p.m.

I looked up at the calendar on the wall and saw the date today was 14 July 2015. Almost five months. That’s how long I’ve been in a coma, they told me. And if missing months of my life wasn’t enough, I had no past memories to recall, to dwell on old times int he dark of the night. There was just emptiness.

My brown eyes went back to the device in my hands and I pressed the button. A masculine voice greeted me from the phone and he sounded happy about something as he giggled before speaking.

„Bobby! It’s Junhoe, you comin’ to the party right? We’re all waiting. See you soon.”

What party? Frowning, I moved ont o the next voicemail. This one was from the same persona s well. In fact, all the 100 voicemails were from him.

Voicemail sent on 4 February 2015 at 3:00p.m.

This time, this Junhoe person sounded rather annoyed.

„Bobby, what’s up? You never showed up last night. Hanbin called you and everything but you didn’t answer. If you decided to ditch us, that wasn’t cool at all.”

Voicemail sent on 5 February 2015 at 1:13p.m.

„You know you’re really annoying the out of everyone now! You haven’t replied to my messages or anyone else’s calls. Would it kill you to respond? Really, some sort of a boyfriend you are!”

Voicemail sent on 6 February 2015 5:03a.m.

„Bobby, I…”

Junhoe stopped and sniffed. His voice was thick, an indication that he had been crying.

„…I just heard the news. A few, - another pause – few hours ago. I don’t know why I’m doing this. I just…”

Voicemail sent on 7 February 2015 at 7:43p.m.

„Bobby…” he sighed. „I’m not sure why I’m sending you this. I just… I want you back. I just want you back…”

He started to cry.

Voicemail sent on 8 February 2015 at 3:33p.m.

„Hi, Bobby.” he sounded tired, almost drained out. „So, I went to see your parents again. They’re so worried about you. Everyone is. I just want you to wake up soon. Please do.”

Voicemail sent on 9 February 2015 at 10:15p.m.

„So, I visited the hospital today but they didn’t let me see you. It really sittin gin he waiting room for hours when you were only a few rooms away but I couldn’t see you. Srew hospitals! You know, the nurses there are such es. They’re worse than Eunhye and we thought she deserved the award.”

He scoffed.

„Anyway, I miss you and I’m still not sure why I do this. Bye.”

Voicemail sent on 10 February 2015 at 8:34p.m.

„I tried again today but no go. Even the doctors are starting to get on my nerves. Everyone gets on my nerves these days.” he sighed. „If you were here, you’d call me cranky. It alway annoyed me before but I wouldn’t mind if you didi t now… Please, come back, Bobby.”

Voicemail sent on 11 February 2015 at 11:02a.m.

„I couldn’t go to the hospital today. Even if I did go, it wouldn’t have made a difference anyway. They wouldn’t let me see you. I really miss you, Bobby.”

Voicemail sent on 12 February 2015 at 4:09p.m.

„Hi, Bobby. I’m still doing this. This whole ridiculous thing of sending you voicemails. I know it’s stupid but for some reason, I can’t go a single day without doing this. I don’t know, it helps me know that you’re still here. Of course, you’re still here but… I really want to see you so badly.”

Voicemail sent on 13 February 2015 at 6:01p.m.

„So, your parents told me that I could visit you ont he 15th. I was really happy to hear that but then… I’m really scared at the same time. Bobby, I want to see you. I do but I don’t want to see you in this…condiion, you know. I’m scared of what I’m going to see…”

Voicemail sent on 14 February 2015 at 8:08p.m.

„So…I’m pretty excited for tomorrow. I’m keeping my fingers crossed. I’ll see you soon, Bobby.”

He gave a nervous chuckle and I wanted to see him in person so bad. But no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t remember anything.

Voicemail sent on 15 February 2015 at 11:46p.m.

„…I… Bobby, I… I’m sorry. I saw you earlier today and…you know, you were just lying there and…and it was so hard to see you there ont he bed, just helpless and so…you know, I sat there for like hours holding your hand, saying your name over and over again. Just hoping you would answer and…but you didn’t. You didn’t answer, Bobby. You didn’t…”

He broke down after that and I found my own cheeks wet with tears.

Voicemail sent on 16 February 2015 at 10:04p.m.

„Hey. I still feel stupid for doing this but here I am. Talking to myself.”

He sounded exhausted.

„I didn’t go to visit you today. I…couldn’t bring myself to. And my parents thought that was best too, so yeah… Gosh, I feel like I’m making excuses. You must think I’m so pathetic, right? I wouldn’t blame you…”

Voicemail sent on 17 February 2015 at 5:42p.m.

„Hi, Bobby. I’v been kinda sick lately. You can probably tell from my voice… Hanbin and the others came by to se eme. I ended up pretending to be asleep. I couldn’t face them. I know they’re worried more about you. About us! But I just wanna be alone, you know?”

He paused.

„Actually I don’t want to be alone. I want to be with you, Bobby. Please, please get well soon.”

Voicemail sent on 18 February 2015 at 1:09p.m.

„Hey, Bobby. You remember our first date? You know how I’m the romantic type and you literally went out of your way to make sure our date was anything but romantic. You made really inappropriate jokes and you wouldn’t buy me any flowers. You showed up at my house wearing loose-fitting clothes when you knew how my parents felt about it.”

He laughed and I found myself smiling at his melodic voice. It was bittersweet moment. For both of us.

„But I wouldn’t have you any other way. I was just going through our old photos that it reminded me of times we shared together. I wish you were here to see them with me. You’d probably want to delete the one I was looking at recently because your eyes are half closed and your mouth is wide open.”

He chuckled and sniffed.

„I don’t even remember when I took that. I’m sorry…”

Voicemail sent on 19 February 2015 at 7:56p.m.

„I went to see you oday. I didn’t freak out like last time buti t was still hard for me. Jinhwan offered to come with me but I wanted to go alone. Your parents were already there so I didn’t get to spend a lot of time with you. The doctors say they’re still trying their best but they always say that. I don’t trust them anymore…but I hope they’re right this time when they say that you’ll recover. You have to recover, Bobby. Please.”

Voicemail sent on 20 February 2015 at 3:45p.m.

„Hi, Bobby. So, I went to school today and everyone is driving me crazy! They wouldn’t give me space and they wouldn’t stop talking. I snapped a few times so yeah, it was a crap day. Everything’s been crap ever since your accident…”

Voicemail sent on 21 February 2015 at 1:04p.m.

„Hi, Bobby. Hope you’re doing better than I am. Guess who I met today at school? Queen , that’s who. Thanks to Jinhwan, Eunhye stayed away. Honestly, just seeing her makes me som ad. Anyway, I’ll probably visit you this weekend. See you then.”

Voicemail sent on 22 February 2015 at 5:43p.m.

„Hi, this has become a regular thing for me. Leaving you voicemails everyday. You’d probably explode if you saw all these.”

He giggled a little.

„I can imagine you now saying something like, ’This isn’t your personal diary so stop making it one!’You know, I’m actually hoping that if I keep this up, you might wake up soon to stop me from leaving all these messages on your phone.”

Voicemail sent on 23 February 2015 at 4:56p.m.

„Hi.”

He sighed.

„I feel so exhausted for some reason, even though I skipped school today. I don’t know what else to do… This .”

Voicemail sent on 24 February 2012 at 11:03p.m.

„So, I visited you today. You were the same. The room was the same. The doctors were the same. Everything’s the same. It’s like time for me has frozen or something ever since it froze for you…”

Voicemail sent on 25 February 2015 at 12:45a.m.

„Hi, Bobby. I miss you. I know I’ve said it before but I really want you back. Everything without you. It just…doesn’t feel right.”

Voicemail sent on 26 February 2015 at 1:03p.m.

„…Bobby, I…forget it.”

Voicemail sent on 27 February 2015 at 3:45p.m.

„So, February’s almost over. You know how people say that it’s the month of love and all? You used to say it was all stupid. We even had a little argument last year on February. Do you remember it? It was so stupid, really. Just because you didn’t buy me any chocolates, I got mad at you…”

Voicemail sent on 28 February 2015 at 11:58p.m.

„Hi, Bobby. February’s over…well, almost. It’s been a month now. I still miss you.”

Voicemail sent on 1 March 2015 at 10:04a.m.

„Our two year anniversary is coming up. I hope you’ll wake up so that we can celebrate it. I promise I won’t force you to do anything sappy or stupid. I just…need you to wake up. Please, Bobby. Please.”

Voicemail sent on 2 March 2015 at 11:34a.m.

„…hi. How are you, Bobby? I miss you. Like always.”

He paused and sighed.

„Jinhwan and the guys came by last night. They forced me to go attend this party and whatever. It’s after a few days. I don’t wanna go…I don’t wanna go anywhere. I just…”

He sighed again.

„I don’t know what I want anymore.”

Voicemail sent on 3 March 2015 at 10:09p.m.

„Bobbyyy… Hick!”

He paused and giggled.

„I have the damn hiccups! You know, I am so wasted. Ha! Mom wasn’t pleased at all. You should seen her face. Wait, you can’t…wake up already! You freaking sleeping beauty! Haha…oh! Ouch.”

There was a crashing sound.

„I tripped. Damn, gotta go. Ow, that hurts.”

Voicemail sent on 4 March 2015 at 1:36p.m.

„So, you probably got my drunk mail yesterday. I’m not gonna lie, I’m glad I got drunk. It makes you numb, you know. Even if it’s just for a little while… I was able to forget.”

Voicemail sent on 5 March at 3:38p.m.

„Hi, Boby. So, today, I saw people posting on your timeline on Facebook, saying that they miss you and that they hope you get better and blah blah blah. What a load of , huh? I’ve sen them at school and none of them gives a damn about you! And then, they act so nice on the ing internet. Acting as if they care about you in front of people…”

He took a deep breath.

„I care. That’s why I’m still doing this. I care and that’s why I’m not leaving anything on your wall for the entire world to see. I only want you to see. If they cared, they wouldn’t be showing stuff like this to other people. Don’t you agree, Bobby…?”

Voicemail sent on 6 March 2015 at 11:46a.m.

„Ya, know what’s crazy?”

Her voice was slurry and I braced myself for what he had to say. I had already guessed that he was an emotional drunk.

„Drinkin’ all night an’ in the morning too! Heh, I gulped down an entire bottle of vodka at eight in the morning and you know what happened then?”

He paused and giggled.

„I freakin’ passed out, that’s what! Ha! My dad found me on the sidewalk and he carried me home like a little kid. I wish you did that. You never carried me like that… Always sayin’ like I’m too heavy… I’m not that fat, okay Bobby?!”

Voicemail sent on 7 March 2015 at 9:04p.m.

„I was a mess last night… It’s just that I don’t know what to do anymore, you know? You’re always on my mind and I’m wondering when you’re going to wake up. If you’re going to wake up, that is. The stupid doctors say that you’re still the same, Bobby. You just look so…dead. Like you’re already gone…”

Voicemail sent on 8 March at 11:00p.m.

„I went to see your parents today. Your dad had lost weight and your mom had dark circles around her eyes. She still smiled and hugged me when she saw me. But Bobby…  She looked more broken than me. When she went into the kitchen to make some sandwiches, I saw her crying…”

Voicemail sent on 9 March 2015 at 9:40p.m.

„You know, Bobby. Sometimes, it just feels like you’re already dead despite still being here. I no longer hear your voice, I don’t get any pokes on facebook. Nor does anyone respond to my stupid voicemails but still I continue with this bull in hopes that maybe, just maybe, I’ll get a call back. Just one word from you, Bobby, one word. And I’ll have hope again that you might make it.”

He gave a broken chuckle and my chest tightened.

„It’s not too much to ask, is it?”

Voicemail sent on 10 March 2015 at 5:48p.m.

„I visited you today. You didn’t move. You didn’t do anything… Just nothing. I waited. I waited for you for 3 hours. Nothing at all. You know, this is such a nightmare. Waiting. It’s the worst thing when you can’t do anything and you just feel so hopeless. You can’t do anything but wait. I hate this.”

Voicemail sent on 11 March 2015 at 9:08p.m.

„Bobby…”

He stopped, as he choked on a sob and said in a shaky, thick voice.

„This song that I listened to for the first time, it just made me think. About…us. Just listen to it.”

He seemed to fumbling with something before the song started and a male’s voice greeted my ears.

„But God, I miss you. I miss you. So much it hurts sometimes and I can’t bring us back to all the days gone by. I always loved you. I miss you all the time. I promise I’ll remember all the days gone by.”

It stopped and Junhoe’s thick voice came back.

„I’m sorry. I know you’ll probably think this is pretty stupid. Me crying over a song but I felt like I could instantly connect with the singer. There is so much emotion in his voice, it just…I felt like it was made for me, you know? I just…sorry. I’m a mess. I love you, Bobby.”

Voicemail sent on 12 March at 7:11p.m.

„So, Jinhwan has a sleepover at his place tomorrow and my parents are forcing me to go. They say it’s better instead of being locked up in the house all the time. I don’t remain in the house all the time. I do go to school and visit you sometimes. Isn’t that enough activity? God, they’re annoying! If I don’t wanna go anywhere, then why are they forcing me to? I wish you were here, you know. You always listened…”

Voicemail sent on 13 March 2015 at 4:36p.m.

„Hi, Bobby. I’m leaving for Jinhwan’s house in a few hours. Just wanted to say hi before I went. This has become a habit of mine in case you didn’t noice. I’m clogging up your phone with notifications, haha. Okay, bye.”

Voicemail sent on 14 March 2015 at 10:56p.m.

„I’m back! You probably missed me all day, huh? I actually ended up enjoying the sleepover. We watched horror movies, danced to songs, ate cookies all night. My stomach’s starting to feel a little weird. Haha. Anyway, I still miss you. Get well soon.”

Voicemail sent on 15 March 2015 at 2:35p.m.

„Hi. Since I already made this my personal diary, here’s how my day went. I went to school today and guess what? Chansung finally caught up to me. That , ugh! The worse part is that he had the nerve to tell me that I looked messed up.”

I heard his scoff.

„Yeah, I know that! Of course, I don’t look like a freaking model. My boyfriend’s in a coma, my friends and parents are tense around me and half a time, I never know what to do. Geez… Can you do me a favor? When you come back, punch him on him in the face for me, would you? And don’t give me any of that nonsense like you don’t hit people. I would do it myself but I wouldn’t be able to give him a proper black eye. Anyway, bye.”

Voicemail sent on 16 March 2015 at 3:09p.m.

„Bobby, I’m really worried right now. Mom and dada re fighting and I know it’s because of me.”

He paused and I could hear people shouting from the background. My body tensed up and I satu p straighter.

„Hear that? God, it’s awful. They haven’t fought this way before… I’m so worried and I really…”

There was a scream and Junhoe stopped mid-sentence. A second later, there was the undeniable sound of a door crashing open and a woman spoke.

„Get your things, you’re coming with me!”

„What? Why?”

Junhoe obviously sounded scared and confused.

„Just do what I say, Junhoe and…”

„He’s not going anywhere! Junhoe, stay put!”

This time, I think it was his father who had talked and he sounded angry.

„He’s my son. I’m his mother and I have every right to…”

„I’m not gonna let you take him away from me, …”

The voicemail ended.

Voicemail sent on 17 March 2015 at 11:05p.m.

„Hi, Bobby.”

He sniffed a little and took a deep breth. He sounded miserable.

„You heard all the fighting yesterday. Well, some of it anyway. I closed my phone. And I just couldn’t bear it. I can’t see two people I love fight and that too, because of me. They were fighting about how I’m falling behind in my studies and hardly socialize and they blame each other. Mom went away to her sister’s house and hasn’t been here all day today and dad was also away for most of the day. I feel like I’m responsible…”

Voicemail sent on 18 March 2015 at 7:46p.m.

„Bobby, my parents are getting a divorce…”

He choked on a sob and couldn’t speak anything further. I bit my lower lip as my eyes started to sting. What I wouldn’t give to be with him at this moment.

Voicemail sent on 19 March 2015 at 4:09p.m.

„I don’t know what to do anymore. I tried to talk to my parents about the divorce but they wouldn’t listen. They’re going through with it. Dad already contacted his lawyer. Is divorce really necessary? I mean, it’s so common these days, you know? Almost everyone’s parents are divorced so what does it mean? That you eventually stop loving someone after a while? Why? Canthat really happen between people who love each other or they never did love one another that deeply to stay together? I don’t know, but one thing’s for sure. Mom and dada re getting divorce and it’s all my fault.”

Voicemail sent on 20 March 2015 at 11:45p.m.

„My mom came back home today and packed her things. She tried assure me that things would get better but I know that’s not going to happen. I mean, what does she take me for? An idiot? I know things will never be the same way again. , I just…I’m so frustrated right now. Bobby, I really need you right now. Please, wake up.”

Voicemail sent on 21 March at 11:37a.m.

„Hi. I skipped school again but that’s the least of my problems.”

He sounded tired.

„My mom is probably going to get custody and my dad has agreed to se eme on the weekends. Even he tried to reassure me that everything will be fine. But I could see it in his eyes, he was lying.”

Voicemail sent on 22 March 2015 at 5:02p.m.

„I haven’t told Jinhwan or anyone else about the divorce. I don’t wanna talk about it anymore and I’ve accepted the fact that my parents are going through with it. What would you do, Bobby? Your parents are still together and they’re waiting for you together instead of fighting. My parents should be doing the same thing… I’m sorry, I’m just in a really ish mood right now. Bye.”

Voicemail sent on 23 March 2015 at 7:54a.m.

„Hey, Bobby. Just wanted to say hi before I go visit my mother. She’s still searching for an apartment but she’s staying at her sister’s at the moment. She called me over today and I might as well go since I have nothing to do. You know, I haven’t visited you in a while. I’m sorry, it’s just that things have come up but I’ll drop by soon. Promise.”

Voicemail sent on 24 March 2015 at 8:08p.m.

„Hi, Bobby. So I was just going through some of our photos and I swear there’s one of you where your zipper is open.”

He laughed and I found myself chuckling a little as well. His emotions were so contagious.

„I remember it clearly. We were at the beach with Jinhwan and the others that day. You remember that, don’t you? You hoisted me up into the air and I almost drowned when you dropped me int he water. You got such a beating from me afterwards. I really miss those days. You need to come back, okay? I love you, Bobby.”

I swallowed the bile forming in my throat. I’m sorry Junhoe, I apologized to him silently. I can’t remember.