Infinite- The Eye

Chapter Five

"I'm sure Sungyeol will be fine," Soojung reassured Myungsoo, although she didn't sound so sure herself. 

When Myungsoo had returned to the orphanage, he found that Sungyeol had disappeared for the whole night. He searched for him the whole night despite the adults' protests, barely getting any sleep. 

But he still couldn't find the boy.

He couldn't even call the police, as Sungyeol had not disappeared for more than 24 hours. 

Myungsoo messed his hair, pacing about restlessly. "It's all my fault. I was running away, and he was chasing me. But I just ignored him, and ran away. He must've gotten lost trying to find me-"

"Myungsoo, calm down, it's not your fault," Soojung tried again. "We'll search for him again after school, okay?"

They made their way to class, about to take their seats when they heard laughter, followed by Sungyeol's name. 

Myungsoo immediately turned to the voice. Sunggyu.

He walked over to Sungjong, and I secretly shuffled closer to them, hoping to eavesdrop.

"Sungjong. You haven't done anything to Sungyeol, have you? I heard Myungsoo just now. He said he couldn't find Sungyeol," Sunggyu whispered harshly. 

Sungjong just shrugged, fishing out his phone. "Well. What do you think?"

It never occured to him- that it could be them who could have done something to Sungyeol. 

Anger seethed through Myungsoo. Before he knew it, he felt the monster in him take control. 

In a split second, he had reached Sungjong, gripping his collar tight. "Where is Sungyeol?"

Sungjong was left in the classroom, his body bruised, and his ankle broken. 

Myungsoo, or rather- L, sprinted as fast as he could once he had gotten the information he needed. 

Soojung had called after him,  but he ignored everything else, only one thought in his mind.

Sungyeol.

I woke up to the sound of waves crashing. I quickly sat up. I was sitting on the sand, the calm waves slapping my feet occasionally.

My heart sank once I had remembered what happened the night before. 

I looked around me. There was barely anyone in sight, but even as people passed by me, they didn't cast me a glance, thinking that I was just resting on the sand. 

"Hey!" I called after a lady that walked past me, but she just shot me a glance before going her way. 

"Help!" I shouted. But people just casted me a weird glance, ignoring me. 

Tears started to fill my eyes. I was scared. Alone, and yes, scared. I wanted to go back home. But home seemed so far away.

I wrapped my arms around my body, breaking into a sob. 

I stayed like that for awhile, before I felt something warm wrap around me. 

My eyes sprung open, and turned around. 

Seeing his familiar face, I started to sob uncontrollably. 

He hugged me tight, and I snuggled into my chest, hiccuping. 

"I was waiting for you," My words were muffled against Myungsoo's chest.

Myungsoo patted my head, squeazing me. "It's okay. Everything's okay now. I'm here."

After a long while, Myungsoo pulled away, making me face him. "Are you hurt?" 

I shook my head.  "I almost drowned. But I'm fine now. Thank you." 

"What?! That bastard," Myungsoo growled, gritting his teeth. He balled his fists.

I recognised him immediately. L.

"Where's your wheelchair?" L asked, looking around.

"Sungjong... he- he burned it," I said softly.  

"What?!"

"I- I don't know how we're gonig to get back like this," I said, my lips downturned.

But Myungsoo got into a squatting position, patting his back. "I know. I can carry you back."

And that was how I ended up on L's back all the way home.

L was silent all the way back, letting me recover from the shock. But the silence was deafening, so I decided to break it. 

"Tell me about yourself, L," I decided to start. 

L's eyes widened. "I- " He was about to protest, but then he sighed. "Right. You figured out."

"So?" I probed.

"Well- okay," L finally caved in. "What… do you want to know?”

“Like… why you didn’t tell me you were Myungsoo.”

I could feel L gulp. “I’m not Myungsoo,” He stated firmly. “I don’t want to you to see me as him. I’m L. And he’s him. We’re different people.”

“But-”

L sighed. “Let’s just rest for awhile,” He walked over to a bench, placing me down before he sat next to me.

“L,” I said, making the boy turn to me. “Are you… dangerous, like what Myungsoo said?”

L looked down at his hands that were on his lap. “I wouldn’t ever hurt you, if that’s what you’re worried about. It’s just… I hate people who hurt the people I like. I just feel the urge to show them what it’s like to be hated.” His eyes glowed with intense ferocity.

“L…” I placed my hand on his, curling my fingers around the back of his palm. “But you didn’t have to hurt them till that extent. Like what you did… to Woohyun and Dongwoo.”

Tears filled his eyes. “Can’t you see that I’m protecting you?” He whispered, his voice breaking. “Myungsoo couldn’t see that I was protecting him. But it doesn’t matter if he doesn’t see it. I just… I just need you to see it. Then that’s enough.”

I gulped, my lips. “I- what happened, L? How did you… how did you protect him?”

L shook his head, shutting his eyes. When he reopened them, his eyes held a greater darkness that resembled cold, winter nights and starless skies where all the hope seemed galaxies away.  “He- no, we- were abused my father,” L spat.

Staring into his eyes, I was appalled to find that they held nothing at all. His black iris contrasted greatly with the whites of his eyes. It was like a bottomless pit of darkness, but I couldn’t help wanting to find the bottom.

To find the source of his pain.

My name isn't Kim Myungsoo. 

Well, technically, people would know me as Myungsoo, but I'm not.

You see, we share the same body, but we're not the same person.

When I was young, my father would abuse me. He started hitting me ever since my mother left us. He said that she left us for another man.

He said that I wasn't his son. That I was a mistake. He hated me. 

I hated him too. 

But Myungsoo didn't. 

He still believed his father loved him. 

Well, I could say that boy was pretty dense. And dumb.

I, on the other hand, was rational. Straightforward. 

At first, I was just a soul living in the back of Myungsoo's mind. I could see everything he saw. It was like I lived a life through him, but he was the one who had control of the body.

Then, when his father- our father- started hitting us, he started to hide in the back of the body's mind, allowing me to take control of the body. 

I remembered the lashings, the sharp pain of the cane, his belt, anything he could find to hit me with. I could almost feel the pain on my skin now as I recalled.

Myungsoo was weak. He would cower in fear whenever father came. Whereas, I was strong. I would fight back.

I protected him. I protected us. 

But I didn't want to be known as Myungsoo. 

So I called myself L. 

I, or rather, Myungsoo, we were watching Death Note one day. That was how I got the name L. I wanted to be like him. Strong. Heroic. 

You might think that because I was the stronger of us, I'd have more control over the body. Right? Wrong. 

Myungsoo had more control over me even though I was the one protecting us. He'd only hide in the back of the body's mind when he was scared.

However, somehow, Myungsoo couldn't remember anything I did whenever I was in control.

Myungsoo hated me. He called me a monster. I was furious. Couldn't he see that I was the one who had saved him? 

When Myungsoo would take control of the body again, pushing me back into the back of the body's mind, I would be disregarded. Forgotten. I hated it.

Then one day, I couldn't take it anymore. I ran. I ran to find help, to find the police. 

But father ran. When he saw the police approaching the house, he grabbed Myungsoo, forcing him into the car. 

He told us he was going to escape the country. He stepped on the pedal, going as fast as he could. 

I was so close. 

I was so close to freeing myself. 

Myungsoo was scared stiff. Then, I started to take control of the body.

I was crying. I screamed and screamed, but father didn't stop the car. I hit him, and even bit his arm. But he didn't stop. 

And then suddenly, the car hit something hard. 

Father's car finally halted to a stop. I ran out, but what I saw made my heart lurch. A boy my age was lying on the floor, unconscious. His legs were lying in a weird angle, and blood was oozing out of his body. 

I was crying and screaming, trying to wake the boy up. 

For the first time, I didn't feel strong anymore. 

I killed someone. 

Because of me, father's car hit him. 

It was all my fault.

After that, my father was caught. 

Luckily, the boy didn't die. 

I had learned that I had caused both of his legs to stop working.

Then I lived with my aunt for awhile. 

Myungsoo didn't dare come out.

And I was glad. I was tired of living in the shadows, hiding. Of being forgotten.

I made sure no one would forget me. I made sure to leave traces of me behind. I destroyed everything in my way, attacking the people whom my aunt hated. 

But my aunt didn't appreciate whatever I did. 

She sent me to the hospital. 

Oh, how I hated the hospital. 

I hated the doctors, I hated the smell, I hated everything about hospital.

They forced me to return to the back of the body's mind. 

Back to when I was forgotten in the back of the mind. 

Back to when I could only see my life from Myungsoo's eyes, and not live it. 

I hated it.

I hated it so much.

For we were finally free, yet I wasn't able to live my own life.

My aunt however, didn't want to take care of me, or us, anymore. She sent me to the orphanage.

Just like our father, just like Myungsoo, my aunt, too, despised me.

I couldn’t understand. I couldn’t understand why Myungsoo would hate me.

He was ashamed. He was ashamed of me being me. Of this identity.

That was when I saw him when I reached the orphanage. I recognised his clear, brown eyes, and his black hair that was tucked behind his ear.

The boy my father's car had knocked over. 

I was shaking.

For the first time, I was glad that Myungsoo was taking control of the body. 

But as we spent time with Sungyeol, I started to like the boy. 

And I started to hate that Myungsoo was the one who was able to talk to him. It was like he was stealing Sungyeol away from me. When, technically, I was the one who met Sungyeol first, that night when he got knocked down.

But I was only able to watch him through Myungsoo's eyes. 

Then, Myungsoo began to hide again, when the bullies attacked us. 

I gained control.

I wanted to be a hero to Sungyeol. So, I beat the bullies up, and protected him. As long as he was safe, everything was alright. Right?

This time, I didn't want to lose control again.

Especially when I could talk to Sungyeol now.

But I was scared. I didn't want Sungyeol to see me as Myungsoo. I wanted him to see me as L.

When I saved him from Sungjong, he asked me my name. And I decided, if I could talk to him like this, without him seeing my face, he would see me as L, and not Myungsoo. 

After that, Myungsoo didn't come back out. 

When Sungyeol told me he couldn't stop thinking of L, and even dreamt of me, I was too elated for words. Because that was enough. To me, if he liked me as L even a little, it was enough. 

When he had me sleep next to him, my heart was beating wildly in my chest. And before I knew it, I had kissed him.

But I didn't regret it. 

Because one day, if I lost control of the body, at least he would know that I, L, liked him. 

Sungyeol was silent all the way back to the orphanage after I had told him my tale. 

Then, he wrapped his arms around my neck, resting his head on my shoulder. A smile crept up my lips.

But when I reached the orphanage, the adults wanted to bring me to see the doctor. 

I placed Sungyeol onto his bed, trying to tell them that I didn't need treatment. 

But they dragged me, and I started crying, screaming and crying. 

I hit them. 

I wasn't going to let them take my life away like that.

They called the doctor to come, and then they were forcing me. 

I was shouting, screaming for Sungyeol to help me. 

But he didn't.

Instead, he just looked at me solemnly, and all he said was, "I'm sorry, L." 

My heart broke into a million pieces. 

And I knew it then. 

That Sungyeol didn't like me as L.

He liked me as Myungsoo. 

That's why he was doing this to me.

Forcing me to watch Myungsoo's life play out before me, not being able to do anything about it. 

To watch him with Myungsoo, and not me.

I was pulled into the car, and that was the last time I saw Sungyeol. 

And that was when I realised. 

That just like L in Death Note, in the end, the hero dies.

Because in the end, L dies.

And in the end, I, too, would disappear. 

Like I never existed. 

Three years had passed since then, and I hadn't seen Myungsoo since. That day three years ago, I had let him go. To tell the truth, it wasn't like I disliked L. I liked him, too, because L... was like a part of him. And it was L, who suffered all the pain for Myungsoo all this time. It was L, who took the burden.

And I supposed... getting treatment would be best for him. For both of them. To help them both get over their pain.

Well, as the years passed, things had gotten better for me. I was funded prosthetic legs. Even though I couldn't walk fast, at least I could walk now. I couldn't thank my donor enough. But I soon found out that my donor... was none other than Myungsoo's father.

And even though I wasn't ready to forgive him for abusing Myungsoo all these while, I was ready to accept to that I had lost my legs in an accident. And that it wasn't his fault.

As for Sungjong, he was sent to the boy's home for attempted murder. 

Sometimes, I'd catch Soojung sneaking off to see the boy, but I understood.

She had told me everything. 

She hadn't actually liked me, like what Sungjong had said. She just wasn't able to accept that the boy she once loved... was gone. That he had changed.

And now, she was going to find him back.

I could say, it was a happy ending for them. Well, sort of.

And as for Myungsoo, his father had sent him to the U.S to get treated once his conditioned worsened. 

Mr. Kim said that once Myungsoo had gotten better, he would come back to make things up to me. Until I forgive him. 

Things seemed to return to the month before Myungsoo came to the orphanage. 

Every night I would stare at his empty bed, wishing that he'd appear by my side like he always did.

But I knew he wouldn't. Not this time.

As for me, I wasn't sure. 

But I knew one thing was for sure. I would wait for Myungsoo.

Even it meant forever.

Even it was an infinite number of years, I would wait for him to return.

And even if he didn't get better, whatever "getting better" meant, I would still love him for him.

Forever.

During my stay in the hospital, I learned many things. 

To face my fears, and overcome them. 

At first, I was scared, and I decided to just give in to the monster inside me. But I would remember Sungyeol's face, and it would give me courage. Hope.

And I, too, soon learned that L wasn't much different from me. 

In fact, L was me.

And I was L.

I couldn't believe that I could be strong, too, and that I could fight back. So when I became him, I thought this person wasn't me, but someone else.

I was afraid to step out of my comfort zone, and only submitted to my father's beatings. Afraid to fight back. So when I finally burst, I thought this person was a monster.

But in fact, we were the same person.

All along.

Because I was afraid, I created another world where I could be me.

And when I finally dared to face my fears, I understood. 

I understood that all along, I was in denial. 

That I wasn't willing to accept myself as someone who could stand up for myself.

And it wasn’t that I couldn’t remember what ‘L’ did. It was because I didn’t want to.

And when I had accepted my past, I could remember.

I could remember everything that 'L', did.

I remembered everything.

I was soon discharged from the hospital, and was praised for my ‘excellent behaviour’.

My father came to fetch me. I could see that he had changed, though. He gave me everything that I wanted, and needed.

And although I didn’t fear him now, I wasn’t ready to forgive him for what he did to me in the past. Maybe… one day. Maybe one day.

We returned to Korea, and I could say that even though part of me still acted like L, I could learn to control it. 

But I knew that now. L and I, we were the same person.

And just like how Sungyeol had liked me despite me being 'L' in the past, I was going to continue liking him even if he couldn't walk. Because I loved him for him.

I would take care of him, and be his legs for the rest of his life.

Forever.

THE END

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