Notes: [1] a confession: everything about this fic is actually kinda experimental lmao L I have little to no experience on writing a dark-ish rom/drama, and that’s the direction I’m heading with this… so…

[2] I personally didn’t like how this one turned out. I absolutely abhor it but it’s sort of necessary to cement things to come…. oh well…

TRIGGER WARNING: Light asphyxiphilia/breathplay. You’ve been warned.
 

So, okay, kissing Jungyeon out of the blue is actually not part of her plan.

Scratch that. It’s a bad idea waiting to happen – she knows she’s going to do it sooner or later. The janitor’s closet and their midnight rendezvous are the possible candidates for the setting, but not their damned black van with their manager two rows of seat away. But at least no one found out. Still, that was a dumb move and she blames herself for nearly jeopardizing her newfound career and lobotomizing what she has with Jungyeon – whatever that is.

Jihyo asked her what their status is now because friends is grayed out from the options. She forced out a much thought-out “trouble in paradise”.

Her leader patted her on the shoulder and let her have the much needed alone time to think things through. Nayeon is sure that even though Jihyo is letting her off for now, the younger girl’s thinking up a Plan Z with mind clearer than Nayeon will ever possess. Nayeon thanked her retreating back silently.

For now, she’s avoiding Jungyeon like plague. Sits on the farthest seat. Shoots down any hope of a conversation and keeping their exchanges short and curt in front of the manager – when they’re off of idol business, she pretends she’s in a world lacking a Yoo Jungyeon.

Not for the lack of wanting, of course.

Jungyeon isn’t making it any easier for her as the taller girl keeps on trying to trap her into a proper conversation that won’t end with an “okay” or “you too”. She has yet to be caught into one that lasts longer than five exchanges, tops, but she could only say so much “later” and “you should ask the others”. At times, she feel bad for Jungyeon because she’s the one dropping the missile without an ounce of warning, Jungyeon kinda asked for it herself. Or this might be just her trying to push the issue onto another.

Right now, she’s dragging her feet to the kitchen to grab a milk as insomnia struck her dry, but this time she’ll empty her glass in five minutes and return back to the safety confine of her bed instead of lounging around in the living room. Midnight get-together with a certain short-haired is a no-no. She pours herself a glass and downs it as some white dribbles along her chin and hopes that some milk might serve as a detox to her miasma-laden head.

She hears strained steps closing in, the hard-hitting footsteps she has gotten used to. It calms her on the usual days. Today is not the day. That must be Jungyeon!

Being the only members awake spell out disaster for Nayeon, so in a pitiful attempt at avoiding Jungyeon, she ducks under the dining table, careful not to bump her head and make an embarrassing story out of herself.

It’s definitely Jungyeon in her gray pajama pants. What puzzles her is the fact that it doesn’t quite go to the fridge or anywhere, really, it just stays there, five steps into the kitchen area. With her limited vision, she isn’t sure what Jungyeon might be doing right now as her sight is obscured to only Jungyeon’s feet up to her mid-thigh.

The chair beside her is pulled away and she nearly jerks out of reflex. Thank god she manages to tame the inner scaredy cat in her and dodges away from the unimaginable amount of embarrassment she needs to shoulder should Jungyeon find her under the table, late at night. She inches herself to the right, further away from Jungyeon to keep a fair distance.

To her frustration, Jungyeon decides to sit for no reason.

She didn’t even grab a drink or snack, for god’s sake! And judging for the lack of nails hitting against LED monitor noise, she didn’t bring her phone either. So what the hell is she doing, sitting in silence as her life flashes before her eyes and ?

Five minutes has passed and somehow Jungyeon is still there, sitting, with occasional shuffling noises of fabric being pulled around signifying slight movements. As if god is trying to add another onto her laundry list of suffering, another pair of feet just has to enter the kitchen right now, of all time. Now Jungyeon actually has something to do.

“Jungyeon…? What the are you doing, sitting there as your life flashes before your eyes?” she and Jihyo might actually flow in the same wavelength after all.

“Shaddup, I’m sad.”

“Huh. Right. You and Nayeon, huh?”

“You noticed?”

“Your head is too far up your . We’ve been gossiping about it.”

“"We”?” Thank you, Jungyeon, for asking the obvious question so she doesn’t have to pop out of her hiding spot and ask that herself and scare everyone off in the process! Good to know that Twice doesn’t need to star in the 10^th season of Ghost Hunters!

“Oh, just our small gossipy circle. Me, Dahyun, Sana, Mina, Jackson, Seungyeon…”

“What the hell is my sister doing there?!”

“Kidding. We considered inviting your sis once, but nah, she might grass on us.”

“Huh.”

The chair in front of her is pulled with a screech that nearly makes her whimper at the subsequent cringe. Thankfully, luck is sort of on her side. Jihyo sits comfortably as Nayeon begins to fidget uncomfortably from the joints-killing position.

Jihyo starts, slow and dragged, “Soooo, you and Nayeon?”

“We messed up, big time.” We. There’s no one to blame but her. Jungyeon doesn’t have to judge herself guilty.

“Huh.”

“Yeah.”

“That’s a code for an explanation, doofus.”

“I’m drained. Can we save this for another time when I’m not feeling like throwing myself in front of a bus, preferably one that’s going on a full speed? Thanks.” Same. I feel so too.

“A-hem. Want me to use my veto as the leader?”

“ you.”

“You know that JYP doesn’t like it when his es swear.”

“God, everyone swears! Tzuyu isn’t doing it but I bet she calls you motherer in Chinese!”

“So… back to topic. It’s fine if you don’t want to tell – but actually, no, it isn’t. You guys will beat around the bush forever and we’ll wake up one morning only to find our name headlining the news in some weird -pull bullying scandal. There’s a reason why SNSD stays on the reign: sisterly bond sells more than top-charting albums.”

She applauds Jihyo for sounding calm and logical even though it’s probably one in the morning right now. Discomfort emits from her left – Jungyeon. Nayeon watches the legs in grey pajama crossing one onto another, a guarded movement.

Jungyeon speaks up after a thoughtful silence. “I… I don’t know. Me and Nayeon. What are we?”

“Close friends?”

“Too ing close for that. I like her. Uh, I more than like her.”

Electricity surges throughout her body and Nayeon instinctively smiles. It’s uber nice to overhear someone’s confession. It’s like mindreading, minus having to see thoughts she’d rather not bat an eye upon, like Momo’s, or Sana’s (which she imagines is full of rainbows and other gay s).

“You love her, then?”

“I don’t know. Please not the bam questions.”

“Okay. Sure, I won’t judge. I mean, you two have always been close since forever…”

“Glad you’re cool with it. And – well, Nayeon. She confessed that she depends on me a little bit too much.”

“Are you scared?”

“Of?”

“Of the future. Of you and Nayeon’s future.”

“I don’t know.”

“What are you scared of, then?”

“Maybe it’s the thought of “hey, look, Jungyeon, you’re the reason she’s been hurting all along!”. I want to save her. I want to protect her. I would gladly eat Momo’s handmade breakfasts for her. You know that Bruno Mars song about grenades? Yeah. That sums up whatever this feeling I have for her alright.”

“So… your attempt at white-knighting backfired?”

“She cried, Jihyo. I made her cry and I felt so sick I might as well throw up right here and there – and oh god, god, she said that she needs me so bad that it’s killing her, she said that I haven’t been here for her enough and at the time I ing hate her for saying that I haven’t done enough, but at the same time – “

“You hate yourself for not being enough,”

“Yeah, that – that, and I fear that what we have might come to a full stop soon, because, well, things won’t be just the same when she kissed me on my damn lips. Friends don’t kiss each other. .”

The gut-wrenching confession sets her aflame and leaves her wanting for more, wanting to hear it said to her face, but at the same time, they’ll take off to the uncharted land of L*** (with the capital L) and she’s sure what she feels isn’t L***. It’s something needier. It drives her insane and turns her into a Lunatic with capital L to follow the theme.

When Jihyo keeps shut, Jungyeon continues on in a tone even more desperate. “I want to have her, as selfish as it sounds. I want to make her happy and fossilize her blinding smile and I want to be the one who catches her when she falls.”

“She isn’t your pristine little princess. You can’t keep on playing the knight forever, she has her needs too.”

“She shouldn’t even need me. It’s just not how it works between us.”

“What if that’s how it’s supposed to work between you two?”

“Don’t think I have never considered it before. I – I like what we have right now, and I’m… content with it, Jihyo. What we have is… is not that… that L-word.”

“The one with capital L?”

“Yes.”

“Hmmm. So, to recap: you’re confused whether you want more with Nayeon or not, because as much as you want her, for some reason or another, your existence only hurts her in ways you couldn’t imagine. As much as you want her, you’re content with what you have with her – at least until the kiss happened – and you believe that she’s better off without you?”

“Yeah… close enough.”

“She couldn’t live without you.”

“I know. That’s clear as a day even before the black van confession thingy.”

“You’re ed.”

“I know and I didn’t ask for a reminder. Especially since one minute she’s all nice to me, blink and suddenly she won’t even laugh at my corny no-jam joke. These days, everything I did ticked her off.”

“What if she wants you?”

“I don’t know. I don’t think so. She only needs me and what we have right now is kinda unhealthy on second thought – “

“What if she loves y—“

To save herself from Jihyo’s totally uncalled for running mouth, she reveals herself from her hiding, gloriously rising from under the table while sweeping strands of stray hair back and walks away back to the room. The lack of “Nayeon!?” or even a scream should tell her enough that both Jihyo and Jungyeon didn’t see it coming and are now in a state of shock.

Not like Nayeon could just go with a “boo!” either. Not when she’s trying not to throw up at the jumbled mess that is her thought.

Nayeon goes to bed and even until she’s about to doze off, Jihyo’s bed remains vacant of the owner.
 

Nayeon's stomach twists into a nasty knot as the kiss, the midnight confession, and the idea of losing Jungyeon replay themselves over and over again in her head, and her face pales and her insides lurch akin to the feeling you get when you hit the top of a rollercoaster ride without safety gears, with the Atlantic Ocean vast, infinitely spreading, under you. Funny how it's exactly this kind of memories that sticks for a long time, serving as a punishment for her, who crossed the fine line between "okay" and "the point of no return". 

Long story short, it feels like someone ed her inside out - and she probably looks like someone who's ed inside out.

Oh well. She holds onto the edge of the toilet seat in a death grip and frees her breakfast into the toilet once more.

A stampede of knocks hits her last nerve. "Stop hogging the toilet! You’re not the only one who needs to take a huge dump!"

Nayeon punches the flush, rinses with a citrus-scented mouthwash nearby, and splashes her face with coldwater in the speed and fury of a scorned woman. Reflected in the mirror is no longer Twice's visual; Nayeon is face to face with a mad creature that by the look should fit the universe of Shrek, unkempt hair and bloodshot eyes and deep-etched frown. Hell, her look could coerce ISIS into submission. At the very least, she could dethrone the Jung sisters as the resident face empresses of the k-pop industry.

She swings the door open and musters a look that should instill fear in Dahyun with side-effect of daymares - only to see Dahyun and Jungyeon gasping at the horrifying sight of Twice's visual.

Nayeon siren-screams in return. And slams the door in their face -

Not until Jungyeon shoots her hand quick enough to stop the door from closing and forces herself into their rather cramped bathroom. And locking the door behind her.

Horrified at the prospect of being in the same room as the person whom she shoved her lips onto, Nayeon belts out siren-beating high scream once again, but the taller girl is quick to react by cupping her palm over , flattening it against Nayeon's open-mouthed scream, slipping on the slippery floor on the way, and crash-lands with Nayeon pushed far back into seating on the toilet and Jungyeon bend over on top of her, their faces just inches from another. Nayeon can hear her heart drumming into an alt-metal tempo, threatening to go out with a bang. Or perhaps it's Jungyeon's - she isn't even sure, not when they're stuck in a rather compromising position and the key to the way out is safe in Jungyeon's back pocket.

What is this, some ed up re-enaction of a hallmarked Korean drama scene?

Under Jungyeon's matte stare, Nayeon might as well turn into a puddle of nervousness and regrets and everything negative. Jungyeon pulls her hand back slightly, but she isn't given relief as the younger girl's hand crawls to the back of her head instead, tangling its lithe fingers into Nayeon's mess of a ponytail. Her left hand holds her body steady by gripping onto the upper part of the toilet, effectively trapping Nayeon into a round of questioning.

Nayeon knows because Jungyeon has question marks all over her face. Nayeon knows because she would, too, if a band mate suddenly kissed her jackpot on the lips in a place where people might accidentally stumble on them doing the do.

"Why...?" Jungyeon asks, a little dragged at the end.

Nayeon isn't sure how to answer her without exploding into angry tears and gross sobbing, so she remains silent.

"You can't," Jungyeon's breath hitches, she notes, and her eyes keep on averting itself from Nayeon's, "you can't just - kiss me and expect things to be - "

"The same?" Nayeon completes her, trying to speed things up so they could just be over and done with. (Back to "Nayeon" and "Jungyeon".)

"Yeah," a wry laugh, tired, desperate, "Yeah, that."

An hour or even an eternity later, she resigns to her fate as she lucked out on Jungyeon actually dropping the matter. "I'm sorry."

Jungyeon's tone notches up an octave higher. "I'm - not fishing for an apology, Nayeon. , I mean, the... the kiss itself - I'll be very honest with you. I didn't exactly hate it."

And it's time to nail the coffin shut. Seal what they sort-of have in the past in an airtight box and bury it eighty feet with the help of Earthworm Jim. "I personally regretted it."

"Wh... what?"

In a caustic environment like the world of idol, she couldn't depend on someone like they own her life. She couldn't just hand Jungyeon her world - as much as she wants to. As much as she aches to. Jungyeon has red strings of fate and destiny and those damned things tied from her fingers to Nayeon's neck. Even the briefest of pull ("I've always been by your side.") turns her joints into cement stalks, her brains dreamy and gooey and defunct of logical capability, her whole body in a state of surrender. //, she's so whipped she's too far gone even for Jihyo's counseling sessions.

After eons of her own lack of an explanation, Jungyeon, perhaps, has reached her boiling point. The tug on her ponytail is harder and Nayeon jerks back as Jungyeon makes sure their eyes are trained. Maybe Jungyeon is planning on a one-sided beatdown on her. Logical, she would be hefty angry too.

Instead, Jungyeon wrecks into sobs and she lets her head hung, her bangs free-falling, her hold loosening by a little. With Jungyeon positioned on top of her, she catches glimpses of the girl, tear-stricken, broken record whispers of of course you did, mouth shaped into a crooked grin. The combination of it all makes Jungyeon look a little younger. Sadly so.

It doesn't take long before Nayeon joins the fall, taunting straight-face melts away into a restrained sobs that blurs her vision (though she makes no effort to wipe the damn tears away, she's way too tired to lift even a finger).

Jungyeon pulls back, harshly tugs away her fingers from Nayeon's hair and turns the sink on until it hits the maximum, noise of water pelting onto the ceramic skin filling the room is loud enough to hide the trainwreck that is them. Good idea, before the sobs swerve into a full-on shouting. She could imagine.

"What happened to us?"

Pride takes precedence in an attempt of pure resistance. "A heads-up for you: I'm not the only one in the word "us"."

"Well, no . I have no ing idea, that's why I'm asking!"

"Think, ."

"And where am I supposed to start?! You went y moody mode out of nowhere, you distance yourself from me sometime, playing clingy girlfriend another time, and you kissed me! In a car! Thank god I didn't freak out screaming murder and let our manager know that the rookies they're managing might be in a hot on-and-off steamy lesbo relationship! Even though we aren't in any!"

"Use your ing brains! Is your head too up high on Momo's for it to function?!"

Something in Jungyeon snaps. Nayeon notices how Jungyeon goes rigid at Momo's sudden inclusion. "What?"

She doesn't mean to string Momo along, god. It's the byproduct of months being hopelessly bitter and lonely and sad - and she's the oldest one under the roof, goddamnit, and this debauchery is another display of her incompetence. Momo is guilty by involvement. She's guilty of being an all along.

She's sick of being number two to everyone, but she berates herself for being the selfish who possesses no quality to hold the glory of numero uno. The second place is a blessing and a consolation prize in a pack. She should be thankful.

Jungyeon probes on and Nayeon imagines something similar to a well-deserved rage, but she doesn't know because she's afraid; her eyes are on the bathroom tiles, counting brownish spots. "What the hell was that? Momo? Really? What does she have anything to do with... this?"

And in a tone reminiscent of a hopeless plea, Nayeon whispers, "Please just leave me alone."

"No,"

"Leave before I unleash the real, far ier me that's been locked up since forever." You'll hate me, so please leave.

The sudden drop in temperature leaves Nayeon wishing for a blanket. Either they time travelled back to the ice age or it's the way she can feel Jungyeon's eyes glide over her hunched figure in a rather predatorial fashion. 

She repeats, smaller this time, "Leave."

"You think you could live without me?"

She's taken aback by Jungyeon's piercing question. Nayeon whips her head so she's face to face with Jungyeon, who has an unreadable look in her face.

Nayeon hasn't seen this shade of Jungyeon, ever. This is literally a first.

It's also a first - Jungyeon roughly pulls her to her feet, still with the look. The floor is slippery and Nayeon struggles just to keep herself from falling over like an idiot in such an important death match and she ends up having to throw herself against the sink for support, a hand gripping the cool ceramic to keep herself steady. Jungyeon isn't done, in a frenzy totally new to Nayeon, she steps in closer as Nayeon backs away until she's backed against the sink. No good. 

Jungyeon metaphorically spits, "Not when you need me so much,"

"Jungyeon,"

She isn't sure how Jungyeon's hands ended up on her neck, molding against the circumference as her head comes even closer. Too close. Nayeon could feel her tears drying from Jungyeon's warm exhales. Her thumb rubs her neck softly and it's anything but soothing. "You need me, Nayeon. You said it yourself. You probably even need me to breath."

Jungyeon having power over her is like something out of her darkest fantasy filed under "DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT". She's too busy trying to sort her mind out to answer Jungyeon's taunts.

Only Jungyeon is priviledged enough to see her like this, the scaredy cat, vulnerable, utterly weak Nayeon. Desperate for the scraps Jungyeon throw at her. "Steer clear, Jungyeon."

"You're the one who keeps on steering away the topic here."

“ off. We have lines not to cross. I'm trying to make peace here and forget the fact that – that, I really need you…”

“I don’t want you to forget,”

“I have to. This isn’t good for us.”

Even with the weighty atmosphere, Jungyeon shakes her head, denying. Hands still on her neck. “Say it.”

She replies with the raise of her eyebrows, because she’s not entirely sure herself.

“Why Momo?”

“I am jealous of how close you two are these days. Satisfied?” She nearly barks, but her voice has definitely risen borderline into the “pissed off” territory. Thank god for the running water keeping their conversations only to their ears.

Jungyeon smiles and it leans a little to the left and it looks so wrong, and it doesn’t fit her at all, “Very. The puzzle is now complete now; you need me for security. I make you feel comfy, secure, whatever. You like it when we’re each other’s number one.”

“Sounds like it. Glad you’re catching on.”

Maybe she needs Jungyeon because she needs something, or someone, to reassure her that she’s worth something. Maybe she needs Jungyeon because Jungyeon completes something in her. Maybe it’s both. Either way, it’s definitely not the L-word. It’s needier, dirtier. It drives her to self-loathing while it coerces her to be even more self-centered. If love builds, then this breaks.

“I’m glad I hit jackpot this time.”

“Took you long enough,”

Jungyeon doesn’t answer, but she leans in and kisses her a little bit too forcefully. Unlike their previous, their unity doesn’t taste of gloss and lipstick; it tastes of salty saline and bitter biles. With Nayeon’s eyes slammed shut, her hands bunches on Jungyeon’s backside as she gives up on trying to steady herself and fully trusts Jungyeon to keep her standing, however it is seeing that Jungyeon has her hands on her neck. Putting in pressure just a little. Clasping over her windpipe.

And god, it feels good, a curl of arousal whipping through her even though Jungyeon is wringing oxygen out of her lungs. Jungyeon is crushing her vocal chord for god’s sake, but she couldn’t care less when she has Jungyeon powering over her. And it feels sick – finding enjoyment in sloppy open-mouthed kiss as she goes breathless in Jungyeon’s hand.

“Jung—yeon,” she breathes more than she says it. Her hold on Jungyeon’s hips tightens.

Jungyeon lets go of her neck, brushes her fingers against her skin that’s peppered with crescent marks, the product of Jungyeon’s trimmed nails. Panting, she lets Jungyeon rests their foreheads together. Nayeon herself is out of breath (well, she just choked her) but something inside her is already set on fire and there’s no stopping her…

A barrage of heavy knockings nearly tear down the door. A garbled message of “GET THE OUT YOU TWO” isn’t relayed well with the noise of running water. And they aren’t really in the mood of listening to anything that isn’t each other’s breathing.

“Why did you let me do it?” Jungyeon asks, sounding small now, unlike her some minutes ago. Who the hell was that. “You’re in the music industry. I could’ve crushed your livelihood.” Her eyes word an apology.

Nayeon is internally freaking out at how she thinks there’s no need for an apology. Not when the kiss is thoroughly welcomed – not when the whole… dominating… thing… is also… warmly welcomed.

And the answer is clear as a day. “Because I trust you.”
 

Notes: [3] I’ll explain the nature of their relationship on the next chapter because I feel like this is a good place to end this before I delve deeper into the topic of how Nayeon relies too much on Jungyeon for justifications and whatnots – and ofc, Jungyeon’s side on all this.

[4] Yeah, the aftermath of the kiss and the awkwardness isn’t the thing I want to write about. As you can see, this fic is about the ed up ery that is 2yeon’s “relationship” haha L

[5] Please tell me your thoughts because this chapter is messy as hell and I need help L maybe I should find me a betareader…