The outside air hits her as she’s blinded by the rising sun and she’s in immediate discomfort, more so than she was upon waking. Yet, despite these clear skies and calmness that surrounded her, nothing was good about this morning. Not when she woke up feeling half-dead and dragged herself across her entire floor trying to get ready. She swallows hard trying to ease the torturing itch at the back of but it’s ineffective. And when her eyes finally adjust to the peeking sun she chokes at the surprise waiting for her.

 

“I can’t believe it,” Seulgi groans, her voice hoarse and tired. “So, is this what you’re going to do every day now? Pick me up from home and work?”

 

Irene smirked as she made her way towards the smoker, seizing her arm and entrapping her at once.

 

“I told you, I’m persistent,” she said, fluttering her long eyelashes. “And thorough.”

 

Right.

 

Seulgi rolls her eyes and clenches her jaw. Her body was starting to jitter a bit.

 

“Yeah, a thorough pain in my--”

 

“Oh, someone’s cranky,” Irene quickly cuts her off and forcefully pulls her along. “Come on, let’s go. Oh, and eat these mints. Your breath still reeks.”

 

With no strength to resist, Seulgi accepts the mints that were shoved past her lips and allows herself to be lugged around. She concentrates on the permeating taste of peppermint, trying to distract herself as her fingers begin to twitch and the back of her neck began to sweat.

 

//

 

“Ah, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t!” Seulgi hisses and she bangs her desk with an open hand, tremors run up her arm leaving a brief numbness.

 

She clutches her skull that was on the verge of imploding. Every pulse, every breath, shook her and she trembled underneath it all, helpless. Seulgi sinks her teeth into her bottom lip, trying to hang on and ride out the wave of pain but it’s useless. Utterly useless, and she can feel herself breaking. If she stays here any longer she’s sure she’ll end up screaming and so she shoots up from her desk, not caring what strange looks people gave her, and runs for the bathroom--the closest thing she has to a safe haven.

 

The bathroom stall slams shut and Seulgi collapses upon the closed toilet seat. Rocking herself back and forth with labored breaths waiting for the sharp pangs to subside.

 

“Fr-eaking…” she mutters through gritted teeth.

 

She hears the door creak open and a familiar voice calls out to her, “Seulgi?”

 

It was Wendy. She probably caught sight of Seulgi bolting from her desk and got worried.

 

As always.

 

“I’m h-here,” she tries her best to sound fine.

 

“Are you alright?” Wendy asks and Seulgi can hear her getting closer.

 

“I’m fine.”

 

Lies. But what else can she say? That she’s rotting? That she can’t do this anymore when she’s barely even started?

 

No. She can’t say any of that. Though, she knows it to be true, she has to lie. Not just for Wendy but for herself as well. How else was she going to get through this?

 

I’m okay. I’m okay. I’m okay.

 

“It’s just a migraine. D-Don’t worry about me.”

 

That almost sounded convincing. Just a bit more.

 

“Are you sure?” Wendy asks as she stands directly in front of Seulgi’s stall.

 

She holds her breath and with gritted teeth, forces out the words,

 

“Yeah, I’m sure.”

 

There’s silence and Seulgi tries to calm her trembling, clutching onto anything she could to keep her still, the toilet seat, the wall, the toilet paper roll, anything. She just wanted to stop.

 

Come on, Wendy. Please.

 

Tick.

 

Throb.

 

Tick.

 

Throb.

 

Pain was on a rhythmic schedule as it kept in time with the clock on the wall. She could hear it and then she could feel it, a wave hitting her every second. Why couldn’t it all just shut up? Then, the sound of shifting feet diverts her attention.

 

“Alright, then. I’ll cover for you out there so take as much time as you need, Kang.”

 

“Thanks,” she manages to reply. 

 

The door shuts, finally alone, she releases a strangled cry of pain. An unusual shriek akin to that of a dying bird. It’s pathetic and she can’t understand, why--why is this so hard? It's only been a day of this severe cigarette shortage--just a day--and yet, here she is, grasping at the scattered bits of sanity that she can’t seem to hold together. Her mind is in such disarray, it has her on her knees like a prisoner.

 

Hold it together. You can do this. You can do this.

 

More lies. Futile encouragement to go on. Her hand begins to twitch. 

 

Two cigarettes left. Why lie any longer?

 

“Screw it!”

 

And Seulgi bolts out of the bathroom, cigarette ready and itching to be lit, she makes her way to the balcony.

 

Only one left for the night. That is, if she can even last that long.

 

//

 

“Good evening.”

 

Seulgi staggers down the steps as she exits the building with her eyes half-lidded, languid and dull, and the back of her shirt damp from sweat. She used all three cigarettes. None were left.

 

Zero.

 

There’s nothing good about this evening.

 

“Kang Seulgi, I said, ‘Good Evening’” Irene repeats a little louder causing Seulgi to wince.

 

Please.

 

She heaved a heavy sigh, one that screamed exhaustion. Yet, here Irene stood, smiling and radiant, so lively it made Seulgi tired just looking at her. If she could, she would fall over right here. She stares at the ground and wonders when did cold hard cement become so appealing and decides she just might collapse.

 

But her teeth start to chatter, interrupting her thoughts.  

 

“Just take me home,” Seulgi whines, offering her arm, ready to submit to Irene.

 

And Irene accepts it, suddenly yanking Seulgi along and the latter can feel her head spinning with new jolts of pain arising. Why is Irene always so forceful?

 

When she’s finally able to focus again, she realizes they’re going the wrong way.

 

You have to be kidding me.

 

“You’re not going home yet,” Irene declares, picking up speed and Seulgi can barely keep up. “I’m taking you somewhere else first.”

 

Oh my God…

 

Seulgi scratches her neck furiously, frustrated and ready to snap but she bites the inside of her cheek to contain herself. 

 

“You hate me, don’t you?” Seulgi grumbles as Irene continues to drag her along with all her strength.

 

Irene laughs and Seulgi wonders if this was all a hilarious joke to her. It must be. Irene loves to relish in Seulgi’s misery, doesn’t she?

 

And Irene turns around, flashing a gentle smile,

 

“Relax, we’re going to dinner.”

 

In that moment, Seulgi falters.

 

//

 

Seulgi slouches in the booth, leaning her head against the wall with no concern for what a mess she looked like right now. Disheveled hair, bloodshot eyes, dry lips, and her body trembling from withdrawal.

 

, , …

 

Another migraine was starting to come on. Her favorite thing in the world. What a joy it was to have them as frequently as she did.

 

An absolute freaking joy.

 

Seulgi questions through shut eyes, “Why are we here?”

 

“To eat.”

 

A sharp exhale escapes Seulgi’s nostrils. Irene knew full well what she meant.

 

“No, why did you take me here?” She elaborates with gritted teeth.

 

“Dinner is a nice distraction,” Irene simply replies as her eyes glanced over the menu. Seeing as though Seulgi wasn’t going to bother, Irene took the initiative and called over the waiter and ordered for them both.

 

Seulgi stares at her with narrowed eyes, skeptic. Just as she always was when it came to Irene. 

 

“I’m not that inconsiderate, Seulgi,” Irene grins as she passes Seulgi a glass of water. “I know how difficult this is for you. I see you shaking all the time. Your face looks like you haven’t slept in days. You keep biting your lip. Your eyes are red. Your jaw tenses from the urges. I know.”
 

She takes a brief sip of water and Seulgi stares harder, unable to hide the slight astonishment in her eyes.

“I’m not stupid. I told you, I want to help you,” Irene reassures.

 

“How do you know?”

 

“Because I’ve been watching you. You’ll get through it,” Irene smiles. “I’m here for you.”

 

She saw everything. She knew everything. But Irene could never possibly know how hard this was. Even with her help, Seulgi could feel her determination waning away each passing hour as every bit of smoke-free misery beat her down.

 

Then, there’s a sudden pang near her right temple and she hisses.

 

Crap!

 

“I think these migraines will kill me first,” Seulgi mutters as she cradles her head in comfort.

 

“You have bad migraines? Here,” Irene pushes the glass of water closer, urging Seulgi to drink. “Smoking dehydrates you. You need to drink more. It’ll help with the migraines.”

 

Seulgi immediately downs the entire glass, breathing heavily from the one shot. Irene laughs at her.

 

“Looks like our food is here. Let’s eat.”

 

//

 

It’s half past nine and she’s finally home. She doesn’t bother with the lights as she blindly feels her way but fatigue is at its worse and she gives up, falling over a foot or two away from the couch. Seulgi inhales the scent of her carpet, traces of ash and a faint bit smoke. It gets her blood pumping and she presses her face closer, nose digging in as she sniffs as much as she can. It felt so good.

 

Pathetic.

 

She punches the ground and rolls herself onto her back. Grey clouds used to fill this room but all she could see now was the white ceiling above her. She missed it somehow.

 

Seulgi crosses her arms over her eyes.

 

“Can I really do this?”

 

I have to.

 

I have to.

 

I have to.

 

But…

 

Is this what it would be like to not smoke anymore?

 

No.

 

These are just some bad withdrawals aren’t they?

 

Or maybe they’re not.

 

Maybe this is what she really felt underneath it all.

 

Or maybe…

 

I’m just an idiot.

 

She bites her arm in vexation.

 

Why was she like this?

 

Since when--when did she become so pathetic?

 

//

 

“Morning! Ready to go?” Irene greets her, cheery as always. 

 

Seulgi’s legs were heavy, like they were made of lead as she trudges toward Irene.

 

“As ready as I’ll ever be,” she replies lifelessly.

 

“Here, I brought you some water, in case you start having a migraine.”

 

Irene passes her the plastic bottle and Seulgi uncaps it, taking a sip.

 

“Too late, already have one,” Seulgi laughs at herself and she puts her arm out for Irene.

 

But when the latter doesn’t instantly latch on, Seulgi glances over to see the other staring at her. It was that same look. The one that could almost break her nearly every time. She hated that. It made her feel transparent and vulnerable. Weak.

 

Why?

 

Was it out of concern? Was it out of pity? Or something else entirely?

 

Don’t look at me like that.

 

“What?” Seulgi asks harshly. She intended to be more calm about it but that didn’t work.

 

Yet, Irene continues to hold her gaze for a moment longer but Seulgi’s patience was wearing thin. She dares to ask again.

 

“Irene--”

 

“It’s nothing,” she finally answers back with a faint smile as she begins to lead Seulgi by the arm.

 

Nothing.

 

Seulgi scoffs to herself. When was it ever ‘nothing’?

 

Never.

 

It was her fault, wasn’t it? As always. She bites the inside of her cheek.

 

As always.

 

Suddenly, she feels this painful clawing in her chest as if something were trying to rip out of her. A beast that threatened to tear her apart, making her ache and tremble as it constantly did. There was only one thing that could satiate it.

 

“You have my cigarettes, right?” Seulgi’s voice shakes, a hint of desperation. She did her best to hide it.

 

Barely.

 

Quiet.There’s a moment of hesitation before Irene replies. 

 

“Yeah, I have them.”

 

And Seulgi ignores the melancholy in Irene’s voice as she drowned in the screams of temptation filling her head.

 

//

 

“Kang!”

 

Seulgi lifts her head off her desk, brows knitting together and eyes shutting from the sudden lightheadedness before she looks at Wendy. How long had she been standing there? Mindful eyes watch her every move as she gathers enough of her senses to react. Any small indication of pain would send Wendy into endless worry and concern. And although she means well, Seulgi can’t handle that right now.

 

Seulgi clears , “What’s up?”

 

An attempt to sound fine.

 

“I’ve been calling your name for the past five minutes,” Wendy reveals. “How are you holding up?”

 

She doesn’t want to talk or act for too long. She wants to be alone in her misery. And so she lies as best she can, denying everything she felt. Internally kicking and screaming.

 

“I’m fine.”

 

Though she’s anything but and it’s obvious Wendy isn’t buying it.

 

“Are you sure?”

 

She comes in close, resting against Seulgi’s desk, and they stand face to face only a foot apart. Direct confrontation with no room to escape and Seulgi’s forced to look at her. Wendy always did this when Seulgi lied. The smoker chewed on her bottom lip as her shakes began to kick in. Why did Wendy have to make this difficult?

 

Frick....Come on....

 

“How am I supposed to work now when you’re in the away?” Seulgi tries to laugh.

 

Wendy doesn’t budge an inch.

 

“How are you really feeling, Seulgi?”

 

Seulgi internally curses for being best friends with Wendy the worrywart who was too insightful and caring for her own good. Who was, to a point, unnecessarily concerned and annoying Seulgi at this moment. And even though Wendy knew this, she continued her inquiry, determined to know the truth. It was one thing Irene and Wendy had in common, they were persistent.    

 

“I told you I’m fine,” Seulgi replies sternly and apparently, unconvincingly as Wendy simply shakes her head.

 

“And that sounds like a total lie. Plus, you don’t look the least bit okay,” Wendy reveals with furrowed brows that accentuated the frown on her face. “Irene texted me earlier saying there was something off about you this morning.”

 

That last statement catches her off guard and Seulgi stares wide-eyed for a moment. Since when did Wendy and Irene sign a declaration of friendship? More importantly, they were comfortable enough to text each other? Seulgi’s body vibrates not only from painful shakes but the rising laughter she tried to suppress. It was all too perfect. Of course this would happen. It should have been expected.

 

Nothing should come as a surprise anymore.

 

“Wow, you guys exchanged numbers,” Seulgi laughs faintly, almost mockingly, as her hand masked her eyes and she shook her head. The tiniest smile formed on her face and she doesn’t know why. Because it was funny? Ridiculous?

 

Yeah…

 

Maybe that was it. Or maybe she’s finally snapped. Either way, it didn’t matter much, did it?

 

No, it doesn’t.

 

“And of course, she’d asked you to check on me,” Seulgi’s voice goes flat as she slumps over in her chair, elbows resting on her knees and her head hanging low.

 

Wendy bent down and like a mother comforting her child, she raised Seulgi’s head to face her, cupping her cheeks in the most gentle fashion. The heat of Wendy’s skin had her flushed along with her eyes that kept her frozen. She was rendered immobile.

 

“We just want to know how you’re doing Seulgi. We’re here to support you,” Wendy reassures. “Any help you need.”

 

And Wendy’s effort to console her does no good. Those were some nice words but words alone don't do much. Encouragement. Support. What good were those when Seulgi could barely hold her own?

 

You can’t help me.

 

“You really want to know?” She scoffs, shaking her head and prying Wendy’s hands off of her. “I’m not fine. Not the least bit. Is that what you wanted to hear?”

 

There. She’s finally admit it. But the confession doesn’t make anything better. Not when she sees the somber expression on Wendy’s face instantly wrenching her insides. Regret quickly sets in. She should have kept shut.

 

“Sorry, I’m just a bit irritated,” Seulgi hastily apologizes and spins out of her chair, swiftly exiting the office. “I’m going out for a smoke.”

 

Her last one of the day.

 

//

 

 

Against Seulgi’s wishes and endless protesting, Irene managed to drag her out for dinner again. A different place this time, a small little cafe that Irene liked to frequent judging from how chummy the waiter was when taking their order, asking if Irene was going to have the usual and who her friend was.

 

“Yes, the same thing as always please, and this is Kang Seulgi,” Irene smiles and the waiter follows suit, greeting Seulgi warmly. On the other hand, all she can offer is a limp wave of hello as she continues to sulk in her seat.

 

“She’s not feeling too well,” Irene explained, probably trying to ease his worry that he might have done something wrong based on Seulgi’s attitude. He nods in affirmation.

 

”She’ll have the same thing. Thank you.”

 

Once he leaves, Seulgi lays her head down on the table, defeated. The smooth wooden surface cooled her forehead, it was little relief compared to the throbbing that resided in the back of her head and the aching deep in her chest, but it was relief. The smallest bit and all she had.

 

“Don’t be too mad at Wendy,” Irene starts off slowly, curling her arms on the table to rest her chin on, leveling with Seulgi.

 

“Why would I be mad at Wendy?”

 

The table shakes as she speaks, just slightly.

 

“She told me what happened earlier today,” Irene reveals, her voice softening and now only detectable to Seulgi’s ears. “I asked her to--”

 

“Doesn’t matter,” Seulgi cuts in. “Wendy would’ve done it anyway. Sooner or later, she would’ve forced me to say something. She’s got some kind of motherly instinct or whatever.”

 

There’s silence between them. Seulgi closes her eyes and counts the seconds that pass by.

 

Forty-three forty-four forty-five.

 

“You were acting strangely this morning.”

 

A small laugh escapes her, “I’m a strange person,” she attempts to joke but Irene doesn’t seem to be in the mood. Neither was Seulgi but it was one of the ways she coped. Perhaps Irene lacked a sense of humor then, or she was much too serious for her own good.

“Kang Seulgi,” Irene says, reprimanding.

 

Too serious.

 

“We can talk about it. I’m here to help.”

 

Seulgi finally lifts her head off the table but made no moves to straighten her form as she remains hunched over, her chin resting on the wooden surface, arms dangling lifelessly at her sides.

 

Gentle eyes stare at her, tender and kind, yet Seulgi can’t bring herself to believe them. She was unconvinced or more likely, in denial. Stuck in a loop and unable to escape. Though what little effort she gave to free herself. 

 

“You want to help?” Seulgi questioned with raised brows. “How about giving me a cigarette?”

 

A sudden flash of disappointment, disgust, and disapproval all within a split second. Seulgi had her answer.

 

“Didn’t think so,” she grins mockingly.“Talking can only do so much and it does nothing for me. So why bother saying anything.

 

Irene frowns, her eyes lock onto Seulgi’s. She once again tries to convey what Seulgi has rejected so many times.

 

“So I can help, like I said, and give you advice on how to cope,” Irene tilts her head. “Both Wendy and I are trying to help you. But we can’t do that if you won’t talk to us.”

 

Once again, Seulgi fails with little effort. It was always easier to give in.

 

“I’m fine. I already know what kind of help I need.”

 

//

 

She lies in a mess of twisted blankets and scattered pillows, the sheets beneath damp from sweat, uncomfortable to her skin as she shifts about. The sound of her breathing, heavy and uneven, breaks the silence in her room. Sleep is nowhere to be found. Her temples throb as they have all day and night, ceaseless and excruciating. But it’s become normal.

 

.

 

She glances at the clock on her wall. Three in the morning. In just a few hours, the sun would be rising. Even on a bad day, she would have succumbed to slumber by now.

 

Insomnia.

 

Great.

 

Another thing wrong with her added to the list. Exhausted but restless. She runs her tongue over dry lips. The pieces slowly start to fall apart. Back then, life was much worse, more than Seulgi could--or even wanted--to remember. And she’s reminded, it was on a night like this, she had her first cigarette. The first few made her dizzy and nauseous. Unsettling. It had her spinning. But it was a rush that relaxed and relieved her. It was in that moment, for the first time in a long time, she felt nothing. She was fine.

 

From then on, she was hooked.

 

Hooked and slowly sinking.

 

Now she’s drowning at the bottom, struggling for the toxic air she craved so much.

 

//

 

She begins to write.

 

Come on.

 

Her writing deforms to scribbles.

 

Come on.

 

Her scribbles become incoherent scrawls that travel down the page and it’s no use.

 

Sh*t! How am I supposed to work?!

 

Frustrated, she crushes the paper into a condensed ball, the loud scrunching bounces off the walls, and she chucks it to the side. What the hell was going on with her? She jerks back in her seat, throwing her head back and draping her arms over her eyes. Reeling and shaking. Her body vibrated like a bell that was struck and she couldn’t control it. Seulgi beats the arm of her chair with a heavy fist, the thudding growing louder and louder. Weren’t things supposed to get better by now?

 

Why?!

 

Warm hands catch her wrist, stopping her. She didn’t have to look to see who it was.

 

“What’s with the chair abuse?” Wendy jokes.

 

“You know why.”

 

Seulgi releases a heavy sigh as she combs her fingers through her hair with her free hand, nails grazing against her scalp, and she pauses for a moment, digging them in just a bit. She stays like that, trying to calm her nerves. Trying to block out the pain. Trying to be okay. But it’s not working.

 

“Why don’t you take a break, Kang? Maybe smoke one of your cigarettes,” Wendy caringly suggests. “I can take care of some of this paperwork.”

 

And Seulgi begins to laugh to herself. Bitter. She could only imagine the strange look Wendy was giving her. She uncovers her eyes and looks straight into Wendy’s. Complete confusion. The smallest grin appears on her face. Once again, she her lips. It’s become a habit and she can taste the faint traces of nicotine from hours before.

 

“I don’t have anymore left.”

 

A pause. They hang in silence and Seulgi shuts her eyes again.

 

“W-What?” Wendy stutters from the confession. “There’s no way--you already smoked all the cigarettes Irene gave you?”

 

Seulgi simply nods. Wendy’s grips her wrist tighter, holding it in both of her hands now.

 

“Kang, it’s only been three hours since you got to work and you’re already done?” Wendy asked worriedly.

 

Seulgi laughs again. Wendy’s not the only one who’s shocked. Seulgi herself couldn’t believe it. How crippled she was as she collapsed in the elevator that morning, curled in the corner, cradling her head between her knees. A voiceless scream. The violent pounding in her head, the throbbing that burned at the bottom of , and the shudders that rattled her. She couldn’t stand it. She couldn’t endure it any longer. Vulnerable and weak, she succumbed. 

 

“Wendy, I--”

 

Her bottom lip quivers and she stops.

 

I’m breaking.

 

“I-I’m fine.”

 

//

 

Before Irene can utter a word or forcefully drag her anywhere, Seulgi pleads with eyes shut tight and desperation evident in her voice.

 

“No dinner,” Seulgi breathes. “Just take me home. Please.”

 

Irene doesn't immediately object and Seulgi can feel her eyes evaluating her. For once, Seulgi hopes Irene listens to her.

 

She waits, heaving, her shoulders moving up and down. Erratic breaths as if she had a fever. Then, there’s a creeping warmth. Slender arms coil around her arm and waist, Irene holds her and they begin to walk as Irene rubs her arm comfortingly, keeping her safe and close. Her body tenses from the close proximity.

 

“Okay,” is all Irene says and neither one of them speaks after that.

 

All that can be heard between them was the sound of their breathing and Irene’s gentle caresses. Seulgi focused on that, trying her hardest not to collapse. Fortunately, it was enough to get her home.

 

“What’s your apartment number?”

 

“210.”

 

This time, unlike other nights, Irene escorts Seulgi all the way to her apartment door. Through the entrance, in the elevator, and through the hall, Irene never let go. Until finally, they make it to the door and Seulgi fishes for her keys and unlocks the entrance to her apartment. She turns to Irene, blinking several times and struggling to say something. Yet, all she can say is,

 

“Thank you.”

 

And Irene smiles just a tiny bit with eyes so benevolent, “Good night, Seulgi.”

 

She leaves. Seulgi doesn’t watch her go and heads inside, shutting the door behind her and sinking to the ground.

 

//

 

Curled up in the corner for hours now, Seulgi stretches her legs and lies inert against the wall. Her fingers twitched longingly at her side and they would stay that way. Yearning. And there, deep within her chest, was a rising feeling no longer masked. One she couldn’t describe except that it was both familiar and heavy.

 

And it suffocated her.

 

It felt like misery. Misery of years ago.

 

//

 

Her breathing fogs the mirror as she’s just centimeters away staring at foreign eyes glaring back at her. Eyes so alarmingly red emphasized by sunken cheeks that casted deep shadows beneath bulging cheekbones and splitting cuts that cracked her lips. She hisses at her reflection.

 

“You’re a freaking wreck.”

 

Seulgi tightens her hold on the edge of the sink and casts her head down. She could’ve cried right then and there--she wanted to. But what good would that do?

 

“What made you think...that you could actually do this?”

 

Everything is still and she stands there wallowing in self pity. Until finally, it’s been long enough and she heads for the door and outside to where Irene was waiting for her. The question still echoing in her mind, beating her down.

 

//

 

Her phone goes off and before the sound of her ringtone could get any louder, she answers it.

 

“Hello, Wendy?” She says, surprised, wondering what Wendy could possibly want. It had to be important. She only ever got texts from the girl, hardly any calls.

 

“Irene!” Wendy exclaims, sounding a bit breathless. “I’m so glad you picked up, listen it’s about Seulgi--”

 

Irene immediately cuts in, “What about Seulgi?”

 

Wendy takes a few seconds to catch her breath.

 

“I can’t find her anywhere. She must have snuck out and I can’t go look for her right now. I’ve got an important meeting in fifteen minutes--listen, can you--”

 

Without another word, Irene swiftly gathered her things, shoving all that she needed into her purse before slinging it over her shoulder and exiting her office. She sprinted for the elevator and hit the button for the first floor. 

 

“Don’t worry, I’ll find Seulgi.”

 

Wendy’s voice falls to a whisper and she sighs to herself, clearly worried, “I’m sure we both have a good idea of what she’s doing.”

 

It didn’t take a genius to see how much Seulgi had been struggling the past few days. Anyone with eyes could tell. And though Seulgi tried her best to hide it through sheer stubbornness, constantly preaching she was fine, the withdrawals certainly took a toll on her body and made it clear she was not. That, and the recent way she’d been acting all betrayed the mask she wanted to hide behind. Last night, Irene could only hold her in comfort as she walked the smoker home. And within her arms, she felt Seulgi tremble the entire time.  

 

“I know. I’ll check on her,” Irene resolutely replied as she finally arrived on the first floor and headed for the exit.

 

“Meet me here at work as soon as you can. I’ve got a spare key to her apartment.”

 

Irene nodded to herself as she remembers how desolate Seulgi looked this morning. 

 

“Alright, I’m heading there now. I’ll be there in five minutes--”

 

“Wait!” Wendy shouts before Irene hangs up. “Stay on the phone. There’s something you should know before you find her.”

 

//

 

“It’s about how Seulgi started smoking. She never did drugs or anything like that, you know. She didn’t hurt herself either. But one day, she tried a cigarette and it did something for her.”

 

“What are you getting at, Wendy?”

 

There’s a pause and Irene can hear a heavy sigh on the other end. Long and drawn, finally exposing a secret that she’s buried.

 

“A few years back, Seulgi suffered from mild depression. She was rejected by her dream college, her parents filed for a divorce, and before her brother left for the army he was in an accident. Everything just kind of came crashing down on her and she couldn’t handle it. There were days where she could barely function and she would just lock herself in her room.”

 

Wendy takes a moment.

 

“I checked on her every night and I saw her withering away. Until one day, she finally cracked a smile and I learned she became a smoker.”

 

And Irene finally speaks, “So smoking helped Seulgi cope?”

 

“Yeah, somehow it helped her get through it and from then on, she’s been smoking ever since.”

 

“Wendy, I understand what you’re telling me but it’s not the same anymore,” Irene objects. “Now, it’s only hurting her. You see that, don’t you?”

 

“Yeah,” Wendy agrees. “But Irene, Seulgi doesn’t.”

 

Room 210. Irene stands at the door and her nostrils burn from the permeating stench, disgusting and bitter.

 

She grasps the handle.

 

This had to stop. 

 

//

 

She sat on the floor, her back resting against the bottom of the couch and she leans her head back puffing fresh smoke into the air. The shaking was almost gone. Her hand steadies, the cigarette secure between her two fingers. She’s lost count. How many was it now? Was this number thirteen? Fourteen?

 

She takes a puff. It didn’t matter. What mattered was she would be needing another one soon. The migraine was still persistent and her body ached and burned all over. It’s a good thing she bought more than enough cigarettes as she glances to the ten packs on the floor beside her. Maybe, she needs more--

 

“What are you doing?!”

 

That voice. Seulgi quickly snaps back to reality.

 

“Y-You?” Seulgi stammers as Irene stomps towards her. “How did you get in my apart--”

 

The other girl slams her hand on the table, a resounding clang. When she removes her hand Seulgi recognizes the familiar key.

 

Of course.

 

“Freaking Wendy,” Seulgi hisses, smoke exiting her nostrils, giving her that soothing burn. Her mind was swirling.

 

“What are you doing?” Irene repeats herself. Demanding. Serious. Angry. Like she was challenging Seulgi. But this time, the smoker wasn’t going to back down. She’s had enough.

 

What a bunch of crap.

 

“What does it freaking look like?” Seulgi shouts as she rises to her feet, crazed eyes staring Irene down. “You can smell it, can't you?” She laughs like she had gone mad, waving her arms about, grey clouds shifting in the air. “Hell, you can see it all around you! I'm smoking. I'm finally goddamn smoking all i want.”

 

And with a quickness Seulgi has never seen, Irene snags the cigarette from her fingers, extinguishing it in the overflowing ashtray that rested on the table. Ash and deformed cylinders spilled over. Twitching. Seulgi can already feel the effects of an absent cigarette. And she’s about to burst.

 

“So now you’re just snatching them out of my hands?” Seulgi scoffs. Her blood was boiling and as she bends down trying to get another, Irene grabs her wrist, preventing her.

 

“You’ve had enough.”

 

Enough. Enough. Enough.

 

The word plays like a broken record.

 

Enough of what?

 

Smoking?

 

Enough?

 

How could she possibly have had enough?

 

“Enough? No, I’m done with this--this quitting thing!” Seulgi shouts back and she jerks her arm away from Irene and nearly stumbles back into the nearby wall from the momentum. Her head is swimming and she blinks crazily, trying to focus. Why can’t she focus?

 

. . .

 

Irene comes closer and Seulgi tries to back away but she soon finds herself trapped by the wall behind her.

 

“You’re going to give in just like that?”

 

Irene’s voice was clear and cut. Seulgi wasn’t supposed to care anymore, she already decided earlier. But her heart sinks and she’s wounded from the words Irene spits at her. 

 

“Yes! Yes, I am!” Seulgi tries to fight back. Her voice weak and strained, on the verge of breaking. “Because feeling like this isn’t worth it! Feeling like c-crap--like some--some… m-miserable wreck!”

 

“And who’s fault is that?!” Irene yells.

 

No no no no no--Shut up!

 

“Yours! It’s your fault! Who else?!” Seulgi snaps back. It’s not Seulgi’s fault. It was never her fault. It couldn’t be her fault. “I-It’s because of you I did this--that I’m h-hurting like this and----”

 

She trembles, her back pressed against the wall, and she shakes her head defiantly. How much more could she take? Hanging on a thread and ready to fall.

 

It’s your fault...not mine!

 

“You know what, why do you even care, huh?!” Seulgi cries out. “You barely knew me before all of this. What does it even matter if I smoke or not? Why?! Why do you care? Why can’t you just--”

 

And she chokes when she meets Irene’s eyes, so dark and deep, they buried her. Cold and somber, the faint twinkling of sadness in Irene’s eyes, Seulgi felt the burning within her dissipate. Now, she only felt shame. Idiot. Pathetic idiot. Sickened by her words, Seulgi sinks to the floor and cradles her head.

 

”...Just leave me alone…’ Seulgi mutters beneath her breath, chanting the mantra that chained her. “I can’t quit… I can’t… I need it....”

 

But still, Irene doesn’t leave and Seulgi feels her get closer, the other girl’s shadow casting over her.

 

“You asked me why I care,” Irene starts. “It’s because you remind me of someone. My dad. I told you before, he was a smoker, too.”

 

Seulgi keeps mum.

 

“He was like you. Surprisingly, you two are very similar. Wendy told me about your depression years back. My dad also took up smoking during the lowest point of his life,” Irene’s voice drops to whisper. “And from the first cigarette, he was hooked. Addicted for twenty years.”

 

It’s quiet for a moment, save for the sound of Irene’s feet as she shifted them back and forth.

 

“Eventually, I got him to quit,” Irene smiled softly. “But it was too late. He passed away from lung cancer a few years ago.”

 

Irene bends down and Seulgi hides her face behind a veil of hair, unable to look her in the eye.

 

“Seulgi, your life is worth more than the ashes of cigarettes. Don’t waste it away.”

 

She shudders at those words.

 

“I-I..” Seulgi shuts her eyes tight. “I can’t--I can’t quit.”

 

But Irene doesn’t give in.

 

“Yes, you can--”

 

“No, I can’t!” Seulgi shouts and she looks at Irene, her eyes twitching. These lies needed to end. “I can’t quit! I need it! F-For the past few days, I was--just so f-freaking--God! I was m-miserable. I was h-hurting and i can’t take that anymore… I need it. I need it...”

 

Silence. Seulgi casts her eyes down but she can feel Irene evaluating her. Why couldn’t she just leave?

 

Just leave me alone… please…

 

Then, finally, the other girls rises to her feet.

 

“Fine.”

 

Fine?

 

The answer is unexpected and for some reason, Seulgi feels her body go cold. She looks up.

 

“I can’t help you anymore, not if you don’t want me to. And I can’t force you either,” Irene confesses reasonably, yet her voice is melancholic and with each word uttered, Seulgi can feel her chest tighten.”But Seulgi, take a good look at yourself because the reason why you’re feeling like this isn’t because of me or anyone else. Smoking did this to you. You let the addiction control you and now it’s beating you.”

 

Seulgi shakes her head. She denies it over and over. How many times has she done this?

 

“You don’t know what you’re talking about Irene. It helps. I need it. I need it…”

 

Irene nods her head, “Okay, if that’s what you truly believe, Seulgi.”

 

And with that Irene heads for the door and Seulgi watches each footstep she takes, unsure of what to say or do, she remains stuck. Stuck and left behind as she’s always been. The door creaks open and the sound echoes.

 

“Seulgi, did you know?”

 

One last time, Seulgi looks towards Irene. The latter never turned around.  

 

“You always looked miserable when you were smoking.”

 

Finally, she leaves and the door shuts. Finally, Seulgi was alone. Finally, Seulgi got what she wanted, so why? Why doesn’t she feel any better?

 

What do I do?

 

For the rest of the night, she sits there. Thinking. Screaming. Crying. Then eventually, she falls asleep.

 

 //

 

Irene stands at the curb like she used to. Earbuds in and volume near the max, she immerses herself in her morning playlist. She counts the cars as they pass by. Ten. Eleven. Twelve. There weren’t many. This Tuesday was more quiet than usual. Not that she minded. She checks the time. Fifteen more minutes until the bus arrives. Not bad.

 

Then, there’s a tapping on her shoulder and she already knows who it is. Irene pauses her music, removes her left earbud, and turns.

 

“Hey, Irene,” Seulgi greets with unusual cheer in her voice contrasting how haggard she looked. Irene’s expression remains indifferent.

 

“Hi, Seulgi.”

 

Seulgi bounces on her toes and looks around, seemingly confused. Irene watches her warily, unsure of what was going on.

 

“Sooooo,” Seulgi hums, “why are you standing over here?”

 

Irene shrugs her shoulders and busies herself on her phone.

 

“I always stand here,” she answers. “So, you can have the bus shelter to yourself.”

 

They both knew what she meant by that. They would return to days before when Seulgi would smoke in the shelter and Irene would wait at the curb. Back to normal.

 

Seulgi purses her lips in thought as she rocks back and forth on her heels.

 

“But I don’t need it. We can share.”

 

Irene eyes her carefully, a tiny smile starts to form on Seulgi’s lips. The former blinks away and utters a simple, “Alright.”

 

The conversation ends but Seulgi doesn’t bother to move as she still hovers around the other girl, walking circles around her. But Irene remains focused on her phone trying not to pay any attention. And when she attempts to put on her left earbud and retreat to listening to music again, Seulgi speaks up.

 

“Aren’t you going to bother me about it?”

 

Irene’s tone of voice remains unconcerned.

 

“Bother you about what?”

 

Seulgi laughs but it’s weak and strained, “About smoking?”

 

Irene briefly glances up at Seulgi before returning back to her phone screen. The girl was trying really hard.

 

“No.”

 

A playful frown appears on Seulgi’s face as she her head to the side, trying to get Irene to look at her again.

 

“You’re not going to ask where I’ve been for the past three days?”

 

Irene shakes her head.

 

“It was the weekend, Seulgi. Of course, I wouldn’t see you.”

 

“But yesterday was Monday and I didn’t show up. D-Don’t you want to know where I was?” Seulgi unintentionally stammers a bit.

 

Again, Irene shakes her head.

 

“No.”

 

“You’re not interested in what’s going on with me?”

 

Finally, Irene sighs, “No, Seulgi. I’m not.”

 

But Seulgi keeps on insisting and Irene wonders if his is how the former felt when she was the one being so persistent.

 

“Come on, you know something’s off,” Seulgi says. She blinks hard once. “I can see it on your face. But… I guess my bloodshot eyes and tame scent aren’t a dead giveaway?”

 

Irene decides to quit trying brush her off and removes both buds, unplugging her earphones, and shoving them and her phone into her coat pocket.

 

“Seulgi, what’s your business is yours. You made it clear that you wanted me to leave you alone.”

 

And then it’s quiet as Irene’s stare hold Seulgi’s. Yet, surprisingly the latter doesn’t falter like she always does. Seulgi holds firm, not in a defying way or in a way of refusal either. More like...newfound determination.Then, Irene gets it and her eyes widen in surprise.

 

“I…,” Seulgi starts, “You were right.”

 

She smiles, rubbing the back of her neck in embarrassment. 

 

“That day, after you left, I was up all night thinking. And well....” Seulgi wasn’t sure how to admit, what more could she say? So, she just outright confesses it. “I decided to go cold turkey. It’s been three days now and it’s hard. I couldn’t even get out of my room.”

 

She laughs when she catches Irene still staring at her in amazement.

 

“I seriously feel like I’m dying.”

 

“Seulgi--”

 

Seulgi raises her hand, stopping the other girl, “This time, I really want to quit. I swear it. I’m quitting.”

 

And Seulgi’s not sure if Irene will believe her right away or if she even can, but eventually she’ll see, that this time, Seulgi was going to make it through this. No more failures. No more being a letdown. This time, she would finish this. There was just one more thing she needed.

 

“But, I realized, there’s no way I can do this alone,” Seulgi confesses. “So, can we do Operation: Smoke-free Kang Seulgi, again? Which, by the way, is a dumb operation name.”

 

Irene scowls, “It is not dumb”

 

“It totally is,” Seulgi grins, egging the other girl on.

 

“Is not.”

 

“Is too.”

 

“Well then, I guess the person it’s named after is dumb too, isn’t she?” Irene smirks.

 

Seulgi narrows her eyes and nods slowly, “Actually, she kind of is.”

 

And they both laugh merrily for the first time. It was nice and although Seulgi’s head pounded, she liked it. The sound of her’s and Irene’s laughter. They needed more of that.

 

“So,” Seulgi puts her trembling hand forward, she winces briefly but recovers with a smile. “Will you help me again? Sorry, I’m still a bit shaky.”

 

Irene glances down at her hand and then back at Seulgi, wearing a smile so endearing it had the smoker nervous and blushing when she finally joins their hands together.

 

“Operation: Smoke-free Kang Seulgi is back on.”

 

 

//

 

a/n: yes, i finally updated! i'm so sorry it took me forever to write this next part, i ended up writing another seulrene shot out of nowhere and so that took me some time too. anyways, i hope you guys enjoyed the update! sorry if there are any typos or grammitcal errors, i did check over it a couple times but you know, you always miss something lol. hope you guys are all enjoying red velvet's comeback as much as i have! i missed them so much ;A; well, thanks to everyone who read, commented, and/or subscribed~ i'll try to update again asap. the next part will be the last =]