Joonmyun's heartbeat is steady nowadays. Sometimes he isn't sure if it's beating at all. He hears the slam of a door and raised voices in the apartment next to his and remembers a time when his blood pulsed red and fiery throughout his body.

 

Now he's left only with scabs lingering as an ugly reminder of the pain that once existed.

 

A crash of glass—in his own apartment, not his neighbor's. His last photo of the two of them is lying on the floor now, covered by a mosaic of shattered glass. His last reminder of what they once were.

 

The sight of Changmin’s chestnut eyes and secretive smile doesn't make Joonmyun feel sad anymore. He doesn't cry—he never cries these days—when he remembers what Changmin said to him. Joonmyun just lets a numbness settle into his bones as the words of this stranger wash over him again.

 

“We were going to end eventually, and you knew it. You have to face the fact that some things aren’t meant to last forever.”

 

It was like being knocked over, just when he learned how to balance. In moments like these Joonmyun reflects on what Changmin told him and wonders how he could have ever thought differently.

 

He sweeps the shards of glass into a plastic bag and drops it into a wastebasket. The photograph follows soon after.

 

It's quiet in his neighbor's apartment now. Another slam of the door, and heels clicking down the hallway towards the elevator. It must be Seohyun, his neighbor Chanyeol's girlfriend. They've been through a tumultuous eight months together. Joonmyun and his roommate Sehun have heard the past few months of it through their thin walls.

 

Joonmyun hears sobs now, the wailing, indulgent kind that Joonmyun has only seen in movies. He feels a sharp jolt of pain along his temples. It isn't the first time Joonmyun's mildly annoying neighbor has given him a headache from being too loud.

 

Not knowing what else to do, Joonmyun digs through his freezer for an old tub of ice cream and grabs a plastic ice cream scoop from the kitchen before heading next door.

 

“Hey, are you okay–?”

 

“Hyung!”

 

Chanyeol grabs Joonmyun in a bear hug and buries his face into his shoulder.

 

“You–won't–believe–what–happened–today–” he hiccups, steering Joonmyun toward his sofa. Joonmyun hadn't planned on visiting Chanyeol's apartment for long, but he resigns to the fact that he's pretty much stuck now.

 

“Did Seohyun break up with you?”

 

“SEOHYUN BROKE UP WITH ME,” Chanyeol sobs, collapsing onto his lap. “I don't know how you dealt with Changmin dumping you after he graduated, but this is the worst thing that has ever happened to me.”

 

“There, there,” Joonmyun murmurs, hesitantly smoothing Chanyeol’s thick, soft black hair away from his forehead. “I brought you ice cream.”

 

“Thanks, hyung,” Chanyeol sniffles, smiling at Joonmyun through his tears.

 

Joonmyun hates how he thinks that Chanyeol looks kind of cute like this. He quashes the feeling, because the last thing he needs right now is to develop a crush on the unavailable straight boy next door.

 

They've lived next door to each other for some time now, but he can count the number of times he's been in Chanyeol's apartment on one hand. Up until recently, Joonmyun always spent more of his hours at Changmin's place than his own.

 

“Want to talk about it?”

 

Chanyeol clutches the tub of ice cream against his stomach, digging into it forcefully with the scoop. “She says that I don't care about her enough. That I'm only dating her because I hate being single, and that I need to sort my validation issues out before we can be in a serious relationship.”

 

“Oh. And, um, how does that make you feel?” Joonmyun asks lamely.

 

“ing terrified, because I know she's right,” Chanyeol sighs with a bitter smile. “You've heard us arguing through these goddamn paper walls. We can't pretend like these last six months were the happiest of my life. But it was better than being alone.”

 

“Changmin and I argued a lot too,” Joonmyun offers quietly. And I loved him, and he still left me are words that remain unsaid. Maybe Joonmyun will be able to say them one day, but that day has not come yet.

 

“I remember you were really upset when you guys broke up. How did you get over it?”

 

Joonmyun shrugs, hiding his surprise that even Chanyeol noticed. He must have looked worse off than he thought. “I tried not to let it bother me, and I moved on.”

 

After the breakup, Joonmyun consciously built a protective wall around himself, trying to convince himself that he couldn't feel anything just so he wouldn't get hurt. It's worked, more or less.

 

“Huh. I wish I had a hard shell….like a hard boiled egg. That sounds like a skill or maybe….a superpower. Maybe….” Chanyeol gasps, and he sits up straight. “Hard Boiled Egg Man.”

 

“Pardon?”

 

“Wait right here!”

 

Chanyeol leaps to his feet and rushes into his bedroom. Joonmyun blinks, unnerved by how quickly the topic changed. He has a feeling that Chanyeol will be exhausting to keep up with in future conversations.

 

A few minutes later, Chanyeol emerges from his bedroom. He’s scribbling in a sketchbook, which he proudly shows to Joonmyun. “Hard Boiled Egg Man!” he announces triumphantly.

 

Joonmyun takes the notebook and starts snickering when he sees the bald superhero sketched on the page.

 

“What you said gave me inspiration,” Chanyeol explains. “So I created a superhero who hardens himself to life’s struggles in order to become stronger.”

 

“So you drew One Punch Man?” Joonmyun giggles. “Chanyeol, this guy looks exactly like Saitama.”

 

“Noooo!” Chanyeol howls. “Godammit, not again. I knew he looked kind of familiar when I finished sketching him.”

 

“It's a good drawing though!”

 

Chanyeol smiles at Joonmyun, who’s looking at the drawing with real awe in his eyes. Chanyeol rips the page out of his notebook, signs it, and hands it to Joonmyun.

 

“For you,” he mumbles a little self-consciously.

 

Joonmyun accepts it, surprised by Chanyeol’s gesture and his sudden bashfulness. He carefully folds the paper into a neat square and slips it into his wallet, which he tucks back into his pocket. He might frame it later and hang it up in his apartment, or he might just keep it there, close to his heart.

 

“Thank you, Chanyeol. You’re a very talented artist! Are you a design major?” Joonmyun asks, realizing how little he knows about his neighbor.

 

“I study planetary science, but I love drawing for fun. I also have an internship at the applied physics lab, where I do a lot of modeling. I mean, I design and build models, not–”

 

Chanyeol strikes a pose to demonstrate that what he doesn't do is fashion modeling. Joonmyun laughs. He understood without Chanyeol's clarification, as amusing as it was.

 

“You could be a model though,” Joonmyun compliments him shyly.

 

“Oho? Are you saying that I'm hot?” Chanyeol teases him.

 

“I mean you're tall,” Joonmyun says quickly. “You're long, like a noodle.”

 

“A hot noodle, you mean,” Chanyeol corrects.

 

Joonmyun summons up his courage and asks, “Have you seen One Punch Man? We could watch it at my place if it might cheer you up. I have more ice cream in the freezer.”

 

“I would love to, but I've got a football game tonight, I'm sorry,” Chanyeol groans. “Maybe afterwards though! But you should totally come to the football game.”

 

“I'll try, if I'm not busy tonight….”

 

“I'll score a touchdown for you, hyung,” Chanyeol promises with a grin.

 

Joonmyun leaves the apartment, promising to do his best to attend the football game that night. He makes a lot of promises like this, but for the first time he really does want to follow through. Joonmyun showed up at Chanyeol's apartment to cheer him up, but he leaves feeling more like Chanyeol brought a little more sunshine into Joonmyun's life instead.

 

Joonmyun has a habit of being rather reserved, since it usually takes time for him to warm up to people. But Chanyeol—there's something about the way that Chanyeol smiles at him with a straightforward kind of warmth that Joonmyun finds utterly disarming. He isn't sure if he should get closer to Chanyeol or stay far, far away.

Joonmyun usually spends his Friday evenings indulging in a dirty chai at his favorite cafe before heading to the library to get a head start on his homework for the weekend. But tonight he digs his old tradition scarf out from the bottom of his closet and wraps it thickly around his neck and chin before facing the chilly night.

 

There are fewer fans in the stands than he expected, especially since it’s a perfect night for football. He hasn’t been to a game in over a year, when Changmin took him to experience Friday night lights for the first time. And to experience his first kiss, stolen after the winning touchdown.

 

He feels that same thrilling rush when the football team pours onto the field, illuminated by bright white floodlights. Joonmyun hollers extra loudly when he sees Chanyeol’s jersey number, 61.

 

It’s so strange to see Chanyeol here, in his element. Earlier in the day, Chanyeol was a hot mess, sobbing on Joonmyun’s lap and almost tripping over his own limbs in his excitement to show Joonmyun a drawing of an anime character he thought he made up. That was closer to Joonmyun’s first impression of Chanyeol—a flailing mass of too-long limbs paired with a strangely deep voice. But what the public sees of Chanyeol is this beautiful intensity, this unexpected elegance in the way that he moves his body on the field. His face is hidden under his helmet, but Joonmyun can tell that Chanyeol’s focused and sharp as a blade.

 

Thick shoulder pads accentuate the broadness of Chanyeol’s shoulders and the narrowness of his tight, toned waist. He’s wearing skintight black compression pants that follow the curved lines of his distinct bowlegs. Chanyeol's taller, thinner than the other players on his team, strangely fragile looking in comparison to the heftier linebackers. But when the timer starts ticking for the first quarter, Chanyeol’s sprinting with an effortless kind of grace, weaving swiftly in and out of the defensive formation. With the football tucked tightly in the crook of his elbow, he’s untouchable.

 

The band starts playing the school fight song as soon as Chanyeol makes the first touchdown, and Joonmyun struggles to remember the lyrics to sing along. To win, to win, you’d like like hell to win….

 

He glances down at the cheerleaders lined up at the edge of the field, waving their poms and singing along to the fight song. He recognizes Seohyun with a big bow in her hair and a miniskirt revealing her slim, long legs.

 

You'll have to wait ‘til our team is through, we'll beat you ‘til you're black and blue….

 

She looks so pretty and fresh-faced, and it’s easy to imagine her in the arms of Chanyeol, her quarterback boyfriend. They were the kind of couple that people would look at and nod approvingly, because they made so much sense. If Chanyeol hadn’t told him, Joonmyun would never have suspected how false and broken their relationship was.

 

Hi lo, hi lee, it's plain enough to see—if anyone's gonna win today, it's we, we, we!

 

“Hey, what are you doing here?”

 

Joonmyun turns around to see Baekhyun, his other closest friend. He’s grinning and Sehun's standing behind him, their breaths puffing out in white clouds of steam.

 

“Hey, hyung,” Sehun greets. His face is impassive as usual, somehow managing to look both semi-conscious and utterly disdainful. He doesn’t say anything else; Baekhyun always does enough talking for the two of them.

 

“I thought you weren’t interested in sports!” Baekhyun says, sliding into the space next to Joonmyun. He unfolds a blanket and spreads it across their laps, sharing the warmth with Joonmyun and Sehun on either side of him.

 

“I came here tonight to support our next door neighbor, Chanyeol. Hey Sehun, did you know that Chanyeol’s a quarterback?”

 

“Yeah, hyung, because I actually come to football games,” Sehun answers. “I saw Seohyun today on my way home, she seemed pretty upset. Is everything okay between them?”

 

“They broke up today,” Joonmyun explains. “Chanyeol was pretty beaten up about it.”

 

“Really?” Baekhyun asks incredulously. “From the way he’s playing today, I can’t tell at all. It looks like he's at the top of his game.”

 

Sehun watches Joonmyun with eyes narrowed in suspicion when he jumps up in excitement as Chanyeol crosses into the end zone, scoring another touchdown for his team. Chanyeol pumps his fist into the air, and Joonmyun screams, “Go Chanyeol!”

 

When the game is over, a stunning victory for the school, Joonmyun joins the crowd that rushes to the gate to congratulate the players. Joonmyun's swelling with a strange sort of pride as he leans over the fence excitedly, watching as the team huddle disperses.

 

“Chanyeol!” he shouts, and he beams so hard it hurts his cheeks when Chanyeol makes eye contact with him and jogs over.

 

His black bangs are damp, plastered to his forehead with sweat, and his skin is pink, flushed from the cold and excitement. “You made it, hyung!” Chanyeol laughs with joy. He reaches over the fence to give Joonmyun a bone-crushing hug, almost lifting him off the ground.

 

Joonmyun’s face is buried against Chanyeol’s neck, and he inhales, filling his lungs with Chanyeol’s heady scent. Chanyeol pulls back and just grins at Joonmyun, holding him by the shoulders. The tips of Joonmyun's nose and ears are bright red.

 

“You were amazing, Chanyeol!” Joonmyun gushes.

 

“I didn't think you'd come, but I'm so glad you're here, Joonmyun-hyung.”

 

Chanyeol reaches his hand out to rest his palm gently on Joonmyun's cheek, and Joonmyun's mind goes blank.

 

“Of course I came! I wanted to watch you play,” Joonmyun tells him, unsure of what else to say but not wanting the moment to end.

 

Chanyeol's about to say something when his gaze drifts over Joonmyun’s shoulder. His eyes widen in panic at the sight of Seohyun shooting resentful looks at him from the sidelines. He pulls Joonmyun in by the scarf and crushes their lips together, muffling Joonmyun’s yelps of alarm.

 

Joonmyun tries to push him away, but Chanyeol holds his chin in his hand and presses their foreheads together. “I’m sorry, hyung,” he whispers in that irresistible voice of his, deep and velvety with a rough scrape to it that Joonmyun feels viscerally. And then Chanyeol closes his eyes and kisses him again, softly this time, gently on Joonmyun’s thin upper lip, his invisible stubble scratching against Joonmyun's skin.

 

Joonmyun knows in every corner of his body that it’s an empty kiss, that Chanyeol is using him for whatever selfish reason of his. But that doesn’t stop Joonmyun from surrendering to the feeling of Chanyeol’s hot mouth and cold skin. Chanyeol tastes like cinnamon, warm and racy, and Joonmyun doesn’t realize that he’s clutching onto his jersey until Chanyeol’s pulling away.

 

“I’m….sorry, hyung,” Chanyeol apologizes again. He’s breathing heavily and unable to meet Joonmyun’s eyes. Joonmyun’s grip on the fabric loosens, and then it’s slipping out of his fingers as Chanyeol retreats, joining his teammates as they jog back to the locker room.

 

Joonmyun touches his fingers to his lips, where the intensity of their kiss still burns searing hot. He would have stayed there, frozen to the gate, if Baekhyun didn't grab him by the shoulder demanding, “What was that?!”

 

“I don't know,” Joonmyun whispers. “He just grabbed me and kissed me.”

 

“Hyung,” Sehun says warily. “I think he might trying to use you.”

 

“Yeah,” Joonmyun admits quietly.

 

“Come on hyung, let's get you home.”

Friday night means that Joonmyun declines offers of free weed and alcohol, climbing into bed with his laptop instead. It isn't even past midnight when Joonmyun gets a warning text from Sehun.

 

hey hyung im bringing someone over tonite

 

thx for the heads up! Joonmyun texts back, wondering how Sehun manages to pick up so many women despite his utter lack of charm.

 

Unfortunately, Friday night more often than not also means that Joonmyun has to find somewhere else to stay rather than risk overhearing whatever goes on in Sehun's bedroom.

 

Somehow Joonmyun finds himself in front of Chanyeol's door, pillow tucked under his arm and toothbrush clenched in his fist.

 

“Hyung?” Chanyeol asks carefully. He looks so unsure of himself, and Joonmyun wishes he could make the worried look in his eyes disappear.

 

“Ah, Chanyeol, is it okay for me to crash here tonight? Sehun's got an overnight guest.”

 

Joonmyun smiles widely, but his heart is stuttering in his chest.

 

“Y-yeah, of course hyung! You're welcome here anytime!”

 

They're both acting like nothing happened, but maybe it's better that way. As long as there's nothing between them, Joonmyun won't get his heart broken again.

 

Joonmyun suddenly notices that Chanyeol's neck is a blotchy red. “Is your skin okay, Chanyeol?” he asks hesitantly. He doesn't want to embarrass Chanyeol, but he tends to over-worry.

 

“It looks like I had a fun night, but I really didn't,” Chanyeol jokes. “I think I had an allergic reaction to something.”

 

Joonmyun nods sympathetically and asks, “Have you tried to stop the inflammation?”

 

“No.”

 

“Are you going to treat it with anything?”

 

“Um. Sure.”

 

“Are you really?”

 

Chanyeol smiles sheepishly and shakes his head, letting his bangs fall into his eyes. Joonmyun sighs and heads straight for Chanyeol's bathroom to find something to soothe the rash. When Joonmyun returns, he stands on his tiptoes to press a cool, damp washcloth against Chanyeol's neck. Joonmyun’s close enough to feel the warmth of his skin as he lets Chanyeol’s clean, soapy scent fill his lungs.

 

“You brought me ice cream, you came to my football game, and now I feel like you're using Sehun as an excuse to take care of me again,” Chanyeol teases him.

 

“I can leave if you want,” Joonmyun pouts.

 

Chanyeol grabs Joonmyun by the waist and laughs, “No, I don't mean it that way. I don't mind being spoiled by you, hyung. It's good for my ego.”

 

“Bad for it, you mean. I don't think your ego needs any more inflating.”

 

“But you make me feel so special, hyung,” Chanyeol murmurs into Joonmyun's ear, still hugging him from behind.

 

It's dangerous, how warm and safe and comfortable Joonmyun feels in Chanyeol's arms. It reminds him of the stupidly giddy, fluttering feeling that consumed his entire body when they kissed. He wriggles out of Chanyeol's grip and rubs his nose awkwardly.

 

“What were you doing before I got here?”

 

“I was, uh, watching a movie.”

 

“What movie?”

 

“Wait, hyung, no–”

 

Joonmyun grabs the remote control before Chanyeol can stop him. The television screen flickers to life, and colorful animated fish skitter across the screen.

 

“Chanyeol, were you watching Finding Nemo?”

 

“No! It just happened to be on tv.”

 

“But it says that this is a DVD.”

 

“Yeah, okay, fine. I have an entire Disney movie collection on Blu-Ray,” Chanyeol says defiantly, as though daring Joonmyun to make fun of him.

 

“I hope you won't mind me watching with you, then, because Finding Nemo is one of my favorites!”

 

Chanyeol looks surprised for a second, and then he breaks into a grin. “Want a beer, hyung?”

 

Joonmyun hums in assent and settles onto the sofa. It's comfortable, he wouldn't mind sleeping on it. When Chanyeol hands him a cold can of beer, he teases, “By your reaction, I was half-expecting to see on the screen.”

 

“Somehow this is more embarrassing than getting caught watching .”

 

Joonmyun sighs happily and crosses his legs, clutching a pillow to his chest. He's all too aware of the way that their knees are close enough for Chanyeol's leg hair to tickle his skin. Chanyeol yawns and stretches his arms out, letting one settle around Joonmyun's shoulders.

 

As much as Joonmyun wants to rest his head against Chanyeol's neck, he fights the feeling and takes a heavy gulp of Natty Boh. The sharp, familiar taste reminds him of halcyon evenings spent in his ex-boyfriend's apartment watching Changmin and his friends argue about what channel to watch. Those were the nights Joonmyun wished would never end, and he feels pangs of the same kind of longing again.

 

He takes another sip, and then another, hoping to make the ache go away.

 

By the time the movie is over, Joonmyun's eyelashes are damp. He feels the cushion shift as Chanyeol moves to stretch out.

 

“God, I can't believe that movie actually made me tear up,” Chanyeol groans, pressing the heels of his palms into his eyes. He glances over and sees tears welling in Joonmyun's eyes too. He bursts into laughter. “You too, hyung?!”

 

“What?”

 

“The movie made you cry, too?”

 

“No,” Joonmyun sniffles. Chanyeol just stares at him for a moment, and then they're both howling with laughter. “I'm just feeling nostalgic,” Joonmyun says quietly moments later.

 

“Me too.”

 

Joonmyun flinches when Chanyeol reaches out to wipe a tear away with his thumb. “It's okay,” Chanyeol murmurs quietly. He's chuckling when he says, “I can't believe we're watching a Disney movie and crying together. My other friends would never take me seriously again if they found out about this.”

 

“There's nothing wrong with it,” Joonmyun tells him. He accepts the tissue Chanyeol offers him.

 

“Yeah. I'm so glad you understand me, hyung. Wanna go out?”

 

“Pardon?” Joonmyun asks weakly.

 

“The football frat’s throwing a big party, and they keep asking me to come,” Chanyeol explains, frowning when another notification lights up his phone.

 

“Oh. Then you should probably go. I can wait here, or I can find somewhere else to stay for the night.”

 

“Of course you don't have to find somewhere else to stay, hyung. You're welcome here anytime. But, um, the thing is….” Chanyeol's face is suddenly troubled, and Joonmyun reaches out instinctively to hold onto his wide wrist. Joonmyun's fingertips just barely meet around its circumference.

 

“What's the matter?”

 

“Seohyun’s probably gonna be there, and I don't think I can face seeing her again on my own.”

 

“I see.” Joonmyun puts on a brave smile, swallowing his bad premonitions about taking responsibility for a drunk Chanyeol. “I wouldn't mind tagging along then.”

 

Chanyeol's eyes light up, and he smiles back at him. “Thanks hyung! I knew I could count on you.”

There is a sharp distinction between the younger students looking to socialize and older students like Joonmyun who are there for the free alcohol more than anything else. He didn’t bother changing out of his pajamas, and he’s lounging on a sofa with a six-pack by his feet. He sips casually from a can as Chanyeol faces off against a giggly freshman in beer pong. He's hilariously bad at it, even worse than the girl, and Joonmyun isn't sure at this point if he's losing on purpose or not.

 

Someone hands Chanyeol a plastic cup filled to the brim, and he sloppily chugs it down. Some liquid sloshes over the sides, leaving his cheeks damp and sticky with beer.

 

“Who's next?” he roars, holding his cup in the air like he hadn't just lost to an eighteen year old girl.

 

“Time for a break, champ,” Joonmyun says, tugging on the hem of Chanyeol's shirt and pulling him down onto the sofa cushion. “You should quit while you're ahead.”

 

“Damn right! I am a ing champion,” Chanyeol agrees drunkenly. “Jello shot?”

 

He lifts a tray of tiny paper cups out of nowhere, and Joonmyun coaxes it out of his hands.

 

“I think you've had enough, Chanyeol.”

 

“No!” Chanyeol's eyes grow wide as he shakes his head vehemently. “I've only had….”

 

“Too many, you don’t need any more shots. I can make you jello at home if you want.”

 

Chanyeol looks at Joonmyun with bleary eyes. “You’re the best, hyung,” he whispers. “You really are the best.”

 

Joonmyun pours some water onto a paper towel and dabs away the stickiness from Chanyeol’s cheeks. “Want to head back home now?”

 

Chanyeol rests his forehead on Joonmyun’s shoulder and pretends to snore. “Too tired, hyung,” he whines. “Can’t move.”

 

“Okay, okay, fine, we can wait a bit before we walk back. But I need some fresh air.”

 

“Don’t leave me!” Chanyeol wails, grabbing Joonmyun by the waist when he tries to move away.

 

“I’m just going out to the balcony. You can come if you want.”

 

“Hyung! Hyung, don't stand so close to the edge!” Chanyeol calls after Joonmyun as he follows him outside. “Hyung, that's scary!”

 

Joonmyun chuckles as he leans on the balcony railing, turning his eyes up to night sky. He can feel the heavy thump of music from the party inside, but it's quiet out in the open.

 

Drunken students stagger across the empty street below in search of something to do, and Joonmyun recognizes Baekhyun's rowdy laughter as he approaches the house. A tall figure is clinging onto his elbow—not Sehun. Joonmyun recognizes the man as Zitao, a sweet young underclassman who Baekhyun must be corrupting with delight. With them is Yixing, who is one of Joonmyun’s most studious classmates despite his laid back appearance.

 

Joonmyun turns back to check on Chanyeol and finds him trying to sit on an upside down bucket. “Hey! Chanyeol, stop!” he calls out. “Don’t sit on that! You'll hurt yourself!”

 

“Why not, hyung? I’m tired,” Chanyeol pouts. He wobbles over to where Joonmyun is standing and rests his forehead on Joonmyun’s shoulder. Joonmyun instinctively Chanyeol’s hair as Chanyeol traps him against the railing with his arms.

 

“This is really scary, hyung,” Chanyeol murmurs. “We’re really high up here. I’m scared. Are you scared?”

 

“Yeah,” Joonmyun admits, though he’s scared for a different reason. He’s scared by how much he craves Chanyeol’s warmth and touch, and by how much he hates the idea that Chanyeol’s like this with everyone. He hates how much he wants to be special.

 

“I change my mind,” Chanyeol says, and even though he’s trying to speak quietly, Joonmyun can still feel his voice rumbling low in his chest. “I’m not scared. Because I know that hyung will protect me, and I’ll do my best to protect hyung too.”

 

Electricity crackles along Joonmyun's skin when he feels Chanyeol's lips brush against his neck, soft as a whisper.

 

“Found you, Joonmyun-hyung! I brought a friend with me!” Baekhyun sings out, slamming the balcony door behind him. He chortles obnoxiously, not noticing that he's the only one laughing. Zitao’s eyes are wide when he makes eye contact with Joonmyun.

 

“Hey Zitao,” Joonmyun says, trying to sound as normal as possible with Chanyeol's warm breath on his neck. “What's up?”

 

“Yixing’s making out with some guy on the soccer team,” Baekhyun butts in. “Can you believe how ing gay that is?”

 

“Oh? Um, I wasn't aware that Yixing swung that way–”

 

“Chanyeol,” Baekhyun continues, “don't you have a girlfriend or something? Or did you realize that hyung’s more your type?”

 

“Baekhyun, he's not–” Joonmyun tries to say, but his voice is drowned out by Baekhyun laughing hysterically at nothing in particular.

 

“Hyung's my girlfriend now,” Chanyeol slurs loudly.

 

“I'm not a girl, Chanyeol!” Joonmyun protests. He tries to wriggle away from Chanyeol, but he's still caged in his arms.

 

“But you're so ing pretty.”

 

“Can you believe how ing many gay friends I have, Tao?” Baekhyun asks incredulously. “First Joonmyun and now Yixing and Chanyeol. , I might even be gay myself!”

 

Zitao looks at him shyly for a moment and then steals a kiss from Baekhyun's cheek. Baekhyun's eyes go wide, and then he announces, “I gotta go check something….See you guys later!”

 

“Chanyeol, we should get you back home,” Joonmyun says, but he doesn't make a move. He's cradled in Chanyeol's warmth, trapped between the balcony railing and Chanyeol's solid chest.

 

“But it feels so nice,” Chanyeol murmurs, resting his chin on Joonmyun's neck. “I'm so happy, hyung.”

 

His hands have found Joonmyun's hands now, and the way their fingers fit together makes Joonmyun's heart feel ready to burst. Being held like this, and knowing that Chanyeol might not ever hold him like this again, fills Joonmyun with a lovely ache.

 

Joonmyun feels a sudden splash on his skin, like a warm droplet of rain. He looks up, but the sky is clear. Chanyeol's eyes, however, are b with tears.

 

“Are you okay, Chanyeol?” Joonmyun asks in alarm. “What's wrong?”

 

“I was just thinking,” Chanyeol sniffles. He rests his eyes on Joonmyun's shoulder, letting his shirt absorb his tears.

 

“About what?”

 

Chanyeol opens and then closes his mouth as if he was about to say something, only to change his mind at the last second. “Never mind,” he mumbles. “You'll think it's dumb.”

 

“I wouldn't think anything you say is dumb,” Joonmyun promises solemnly. For a second, he lets himself wonder if Chanyeol could possibly be thinking about the same thing he is—wanting to make this moment last forever. “So tell me.”

 

“I was thinking about love I guess,” Chanyeol admits, “and the way that someone can love someone else so much that they would search an entire ing ocean just to make sure they’re okay.”

 

“You're still thinking about Finding Nemo?” Joonmyun asks with a surprised giggle.

 

“I shouldn't have told you that,” Chanyeol realizes with regret. “I get weird when I’m drunk.”

 

He chuckles self-consciously and lets go of Joonmyun's hand to run his fingers through his hair, a nervous reflex.

 

“It's fine,” Joonmyun tells him gently. “It’s nothing to be ashamed about.”

 

“But this is the second time you've seen me cry today. Or maybe third, I don't ing know,” Chanyeol groans. “I'm such a ing mess.”

 

Joonmyun turns around to hug him tightly around the waist, pressing his cheek against Chanyeol's warm chest. “You're perfect,” Joonmyun whispers, almost hoping that Chanyeol won't hear. “You're beautiful, even when you cry. And it's okay, since you’ve seen me cry, too.”

 

Chanyeol laughs, but it's choked back by a sob. He wants to tell Joonmyun that he hates seeing him cry more than anything else in the world, that the sight of Joonmyun in pain hurts Chanyeol more than he could even articulate, but what Chanyeol ends up saying is, “You're so ugly when you cry.”

 

Joonmyun doesn't have to say anything for Chanyeol to tell that he hurt his feelings. He draws back, steps away from Chanyeol and stuffs his hands in his pockets. “Yeah,” Joonmyun agrees with a brittle smile and a chuckle that rings false. “I've been told.”

 

“. That's not what I meant.”

 

“Don't worry about it, Chanyeol,” Joonmyun says with that same phony smile that Chanyeol hates seeing even more than his crying face. “I’m glad you’re comfortable enough to be honest with me.”

 

Chanyeol wishes that he could tell Joonmyun everything on his mind, but his mouth has a way of butchering his thoughts when he puts them into words. There are thoughts on his mind too fragile and precious to risk miscommunicating with his clumsy tongue, so he keeps them locked away for now.

 

“You know what we should do tomorrow, hyung?”

 

“What,” Joonmyun says warily.

 

“We should go fishing!”

 

Joonmyun stares at him for a few seconds as Chanyeol fights to keep a straight face. He breaks into a grin, and Joonmyun chuckles in disbelief.

 

“Wouldn't that movie have made you not want to go fishing, Chanyeol?”

 

Chanyeol scrunches his nose thoughtfully and decides, “But fishing always makes me feel better.”

 

“Alright,” Joonmyun sighs. “But how are we going to find somewhere to fish in the middle of the city?”

 

Chanyeol was so excited by his own idea that he genuinely hadn't considered that. “Maybe if we went to a park and dug a lake and then filled the lake with water and fish….”

 

“Or we could just go to a park.”

 

“Great idea, hyung!” Chanyeol gushes. “I just love being outdoors, we don’t even have to catch any fish!”

 

Chanyeol is so easily excitable, just like a child, and Joonmyun might just love that about him. His laughter is so infectious that Joonmyun doesn't even know what he's laughing about when they're staggering back inside because they're laughing so hard they can barely stand.

 

It isn't until they're halfway back to Chanyeol's apartment building that Joonmyun notices, “We didn't see Seohyun at the party, did we?”

 

“Oh. You're right. We didn't.”

 

“Do you think she's trying to avoid you?”

 

Chanyeol shrugs and says, “She never really liked parties anyways. I think she only went because we wouldn't have spent time together anyways.”

 

“Oh. I see.”

 

“God, I sound like I was an awful boyfriend, don't I.”

 

“Chanyeol….”

 

“No, it's okay. I know that she deserved better. She just wanted my time and affection, and I just couldn’t give it to her.”

 

“It sounds like Seohyun just wasn’t the one for you,” Joonmyun suggests kindly.

 

“Yeah. I’ve realized by now that we were together because I was lonely, and she was there.”

 

“Sometimes it just isn’t meant to be. You don’t have to force yourself to be with someone you’re not in love with.”

 

Chanyeol is quiet, and his face is troubled. “How do I know if I’m in love with someone though?” he asks.

 

Joonmyun thinks for a few moments before he answers carefully, “You’ll think about that person before you even think about yourself. You’ll want to do whatever it takes to make them happy.”

 

“And you're supposed to keep that up forever?”

 

“With the right person, it's not hard. It's supposed to feel natural.”

 

“Yeah,” Chanyeol says hollowly. He stops walking, though his building is still two blocks away. “Hyung, I’m sorry about what I did before. At the football game. Seohyun was there, and I just….”

 

“It’s okay, Chanyeol, I understand.”

 

“You know, hyung….maybe you and I should just date.”

 

Joonmyun laughs dryly. “Haha, very funny, Chanyeol.”

 

“From what you’ve told me about your relationship with Changmin, I think you also deserved someone who could have treated you better. Someone who doesn't like making you cry.”

 

The word danger flickers on in neon lights in Joonmyun’s mind. Chanyeol takes a step closer, and Joonmyun instinctively backs away.

 

“What are you trying to say, Chanyeol?” he asks warily. Chanyeol’s exactly the kind of guy Joonmyun could fall in love with, but there’s no way Chanyeol could love him, too.

 

Chanyeol plants his hands on Joonmyun's shoulders to keep him from stepping away as he continues, “I could really use practice, being a good boyfriend.”

 

“Chanyeol, I–”

 

“I think we should practice dating with each other. So will you let me pretend to be your boyfriend, hyung? Just at least when we’re in public, please?”

 

The stone in Joonmyun’s throat sinks down into his stomach when he realizes what Chanyeol means. Chanyeol’s suddenly too close, tipping Joonmyun’s chin up so he can look imploringly into his eyes. Joonmyun can smell the alcohol on his breath, thick and cloying.

 

“Okay,” Joonmyun agrees faintly, even though he sees heartbreak coming, like a storm from the shore. He knows that Chanyeol just wants someone to protect him from the loneliness of a breakup. Joonmyun’s just a placeholder, but he doesn’t mind. He’ll play along. For Chanyeol.

 

Chanyeol hugs Joonmyun, burying his nose into his soft hair so Joonmyun doesn’t see the sadness gathered there on his face. “You don’t even have to love me, hyung,” he promises softly.

 

“Do you still have any ice cream left?” Joonmyun asks, making the question sound bright to conceal the quaver in his voice.

 

“I kind of already ate all the ice cream you brought over earlier.”

 

“Not before the football game, I hope?”

 

“Sorry.”

 

“Chanyeol,” Joonmyun sighs.

 

“Sorry, I'm sorry,” Chanyeol laughs into Joonmyun’s hair.