Your Mind or Your Heart

Hyunseung ran as fast as he could out of the dance studio. He ran down the stairs, out the front door, and kept on going. He ran and ran, letting his feet guide him to wherever they wanted to go. He let the wind wipe at the river of tears running down his cheeks. He ran until his every muscle ached, until his chest felt as if it was going to explode and he could no longer breath.

And as his feet screamed and came to a stop, Hyunseung clenched his fists and yelled as loud and as strong as he could, the world around him be damned. He yelled a yell full of pain, anguish, and anger. Yet it was also a yell full of longing, wanting, and needing.

He fell to his knees, as his yell became a sob and another. He cried until his eyes refused to open and let another tear fall, until his stomach ached and his throat was sore. He knelt there on the cold damp grass taking breath after breath as he let his heart and mind argue with one another.

You’re a failure. A leftover. A fool. His mind taunted. You failed Big Bang. CUBE pities you and that is the only reason you’re a member. And you’re a fool, a fool to believe that anyone could love you, especially Him.

No! You know none of that is true! His heart screamed. Big Bang wasn’t meant for you, you know this! CUBE saw your true potential; they have faith in you! It yelled. Your members love you! Your fans love you! He loves you; you can feel it! Please! It begged. Listen to me!

Hyunseung lifted his head up and stared at the night sky. He felt his heart scream and plead. He listened to his mind taunt and scorn. He didn’t know what to do. Which one to follow, which one to believe. He needed help, a guiding hand, but he had none. He was alone

You will always be alone. His mind stated. Hyunseung lowered his head as more tears fell.

His heart screamed.

Yoseob’s legs were screaming at him to stop running, but he wouldn’t listen, he was going to run until he found Hyunseung. His pace became quicker, more frantic, as he replayed the scenes from the dance studio in his head. 

Junhyung being all over him (practicing what would be the best fan service) and the pained looks on Hyunseung’s face. Their manager announcing that Kikwang was going to be doing the dance special for Mnet and the devastation on Hyunseung’s face. And when Hyunseung began breaking down and missing move after move, making them all have to repeat the same dance over and over, Junhyung had snapped. He yelled at Hyunseung, calling him a fool, asking him what he was good for if he couldn’t get simple dance moves down. Doojoon had yelled at Junhyung to calm down, but it was too late, the damage had been done. And as Yoseob had taken a step towards him, Hyunseung bolted.

Yoseob wasn’t mad at Junhyung; he knew he hadn’t meant it and that he was hating himself for treating Hyunseung like that. But they were all sleep and food deprived and at the end of their ropes; one of them had been bound to snap. And he wasn’t mad about Kikwang being chosen, CUBE hadn’t picked him, Mnet had, there was nothing they could do about that.

What Yoseob was really upset about was the fan service. He hated it. He hated pretending, they all did. He hated that they couldn’t pick who to do the fan service with, because he would pick Hyunseung every time, because then he wouldn’t have to pretend. Not ever.

As Yoseob rounded a corner a loud gut-wrenching yell filled the night air. He stopped and listened as the yell died out. It was Hyunseung, he was sure of it. He began to run in the direction that the yell had come from. And when Yoseob rounded another corner he saw Him.

Hyunseung. A sobbing, shaking, broken Hyunseung.

Yoseob stopped, his heart aching, his own tears wanting to fall. He wanted to run to Hyunseung and embrace him. He wanted to comfort him, to love him. But he couldn’t. Yoseob knew that Hyunseung needed to do this. He knew that Hyunseung needed to get this out; he had been holding it in for too long. 

So he watched.

He watched as Hyunseung cried until he no longer could. And as Hyunseung lifted his head, the moon illuminating his beautiful features, Yoseob watched as his face ached with the struggle of inner turmoil. And when Hyunseung closed his eyes, a single tear falling down his pale cheek, and lowered his head, Yoseob’s own tears began to fall. Now was the time.

Yoseob walked over to Hyunseung and stood in front of him.

Hyunseung looked through wet eyelids at those all too familiar feet. He slowly lifted his head and looked into the crying eyes of the man he loved.

When Yoseob saw the anguish and longing on Hyunseung’s face, all the love he possessed for him came flooding to the surface, consuming his entire being. He dropped to his knees and pulled Hyunseung into his arms. They clung to each other. Cried together.

Hyunseung buried his face in Yoseob’s neck. “Am I a failure?” Of course not. His heart whispered.

“No. You’re amazing.” Yoseob’s hands caressed Hyunseung’s back.

“Am I worthy of CUBE? Of Beast?” Yes. Always.

“Yes. You’re the piece that holds us, me, together.” His hands were in Hyunseung’s hair.

“Am I loved?” You know you are.

“Yes. By many.” On Hyunseung’s neck.

Hyunseung took a deep, shuttering breath. “Do you love me?” Yes. His heart fluttered.

Yoseob placed his hands on Hyunseung’s cheeks and forced him to look at him.

“Yes. I love you more than you know.”

And then Yoseob’s lips were on Hyunseung’s. It was a kiss of passion, of unspoken promises, but most of all, it was a kiss of love.

“I love you too.” It was whispered against Yoseob’s lips.

Both had their eyes closed, but neither needed them open to know that the other was smiling. And then they were kissing again. They savored the taste of one another, even each other’s tears.

And as they kissed, Hyunseung’s mind screamed in defeat, while his heart raced with joy. Because sometimes, it just takes one person, that special someone, to make it clear which one you’re suppose to listen to. Your mind or you heart.