she, from the beginning, had always been his. it was written on her forehead with big, black, bold letters. it was on the back of his varsity jacket that she wore. it was in the way he said her name - she is his, maybe not forever but for now she is.

"taehyung," she says his name and he looks at her from the bottom of the stairs. the chilly air blows past, mussing his hair and ruffling the ends of her dress. she has her hands inside the pockets of her coat, a smile on her face as she skips down the steps and into his arms.

holding his hand is like holding ice sometimes - it's always so cold. he had told her it was because of bad circulation, bad blood flow and it was nothing to worry about. she still can't help but lift both of his hands up and blow air into them.

"did you wait long?"

"not really."

an apologetic smile is thrown his way and he just shakes his head at her. with their hands entwined, they walk down the street and head to his house where she immediately launches herself onto his bed and curls herself up into a ball. minutes later, she's drooling.

he throws a blanket over her body and gets back to work but she stirs on the bed and whines until he agrees to doing his assignment on the bed instead. she moves to the wall and her head is on his lap and he's writing a thesis and it's going well and she's back to falling asleep and she's drooling on his pants and he suppresses a smile. when he's done, she's still asleep so he reaches out and caresses her cheek before lying down beside her. 

they spent the afternoon well.

he runs a little faster, he becomes a little bit bolder
how could he have been so stupid

he gets dragged by her to this author's signing and he has to wait in line for an hour with her and listen to her fangirl with some other fangirls and all their sentences either start with "oh my god!" or "i know right?!" it is really either one of the two.

he gets slapped by her on the side of his arm when he gave her this look saying "seriously" and she had scowled before she had slapped him. he's rubbing the spot right now as they exit the book shop with her in high spirits.

he slides an arm over her shoulders and brings her closer to his side. they talk about her love for books again. she had always loved it even before they met. every christmas they spent together, it would be a book for her from him and from everybody. it was never anything else; always a spine of pages with words full of wonder written or encoded in fine ink.

she looks at him all throughout as they eat and he asks if he has something on his face. she just tells him something along the lines of "nothing, just thank you for today, is all." and he only smiles, and she does too and she says those words again because his smile seems different today.

"thank you,"

"you're welcome,"

his lungs almost give, but he pushes himself even more
no time for a bus, for a taxi, for a car, for a bike
he keeps running

she knows when he's jealous, and in that moment as he ignores her aegyo (which he tries so hard to do), she knows he is definitely jealous and it's almost very endearing to see it because it is a rare moment in time for him to feel this way.

"well, he was flirting with you."

"and was i flirting back?"

"i - well... it looked like it. you were laughing."

"because of his joke!"

she looks at him in this incredulous way like she can't believe him, but a part of her actually does. he can get jealous, boys are allowed to do so. he has every right, she thinks while harboring the feeling of guilt in the pit of her stomach.

"i'm sorry." 

"you don't have to be. i shouldn't act this way." he's looking at her because usually, it would be her who'd utter those words and not the other way around but today she must be tired after her test. he forces a smile instead, not wanting to be a burden to his girlfriend. "let's eat out tonight."

she smiles, it's weary and it's almost entirely not her own but he tells herself it's because of school. yeah, it is. "okay." 

they entwine fingers and somehow they miss the fraction of a space when they hold hands.

he's panting now, he's almost out of breath. he just keeps on running
sources tell him she's at her house with -
no, that can't be

on good days, the silence they share is comfortable. it is well and stable and she loves the silence because she can never read her books and he can never finish his work if their surroundings are clattered with all kinds of noises. so usually, they try to keep their mouths shut and let their eyes do the communicating and the talking. 

today it's different.

he has his eyes on her but she has her own down on her phone instead of her book. her fingers continuously move up, up, down, tap, tap, tap, up, down, tap. it's an endless cycle and he's biting on his lip because what could he have done? what can he say?

the silence is awkward today. 

he says her name after wasting minutes of heavily and carefully thinking of what to say to her. he says her name. just her name. he says her name and she doesn't look. he says it again, then again. she looks up, dazed and confused and looking slightly annoyed.

"have you finished that book you bought yesterday?"

she nods and immediately looks back down on her phone. "i did, it was a bit trashy. i didn't really like it. waste of money, if i may say so." 

he frowns but he goes back to doing his own thing. his leg doesn't step shaking and his frown just deepens with every word he writes on his crisp paper. 

you must ask.

he wants to but she's in such a bad mood, he's scared they might fight. 

but it's better than not saying anything at all.

an hour passes and she announces she's going home. they're having guests for dinner and she needs to be there. it's friday, they usually eat together on fridays no matter what. 

"well today is different. sorry, i'll see you tomorrow."

he ignores her lie. he knows it is because she doesn't meet his eye the whole time she talks and explains about how this guest is so important. she kisses his cheek but the butterflies inside die a little. 

his lungs really give now, they're at their limit
except his feet are not.
he turns the corner, sees her house.

three days later, she's intoxicated. someone had spiked her drink and he is now the one kneeling beside her as she hurls whatever she ate at the party and for lunch, and possibly for breakfast too, down the toilet. 

he flushes when she's finished - five minutes of barfing and she's still energetic - and tries to let her sit on the seat as he closes it but instead she throws herself into his arms, hands behind his neck. 

"i'm lucky to have you,"

"same goes to you, suj -"

"no, i mean, like.. i'm so lucky to have you. you.. understand me. i think i love you.. now. yeah - yeah."

he chuckles at her slurred tone. she had been so stressed these past few days he was the one who insisted on lightening up the mood between them and rekindling old flames if they could. but seeing as how tonight wherein she can't even tell the difference between the toilet and a door - he'd save the love making for another night.

"sujeong, i love -"

"sshh, you don't have to say it." she presses a finger to his mouth, her eyes closed and a smile on her face. "you can say it when you're... like, ready."

"but we say it to each other all the time, sujeong. come on, let's get you -" he grips onto her arm and hoists her back up. he encircles his arm around her waist to help her balance herself. she giggles, she had always been ticklish there. "out of here. come on. oh, and i love you -"

she giggles and pushes him slightly. "not tonight, jungkook. tomorrow, maybe?"

he keeps running, he's still running
he's breaking into cold sweat but he's almost there
 

hello?

"hey,"

gotcha! this is kim taehyung, and for some reason i can't attend to your call right now. i'm probably with sujeong, and she's probably nagging me at the moment. hehehe, leave a message after the beep.

"hey,"

beep.

"hey,"

...

"i'm.. sorry."

...

"i still love you."

...

"you have every right to be mad at me. i just wanted to say sorry."

...

"things just happened. i'm sorry."

...

sigh. 

he opens the door. 
tangled limbs covered in her velvet blanket is all he sees
he doesn't need to see anything more than that

some time ago, someone told him about her. he didn't want to listen, it's been three months and he hasn't moved an inch from his spot. she's moved a mile and he has no plans of catching up. 

on nights where the snow pours down and litters his head, he'd listen to her voicemails. one in particular - he'd replay it a hundred times and by now, he remembers how every word is said or when it's said. on the 00:18 mark, she says sorry for the third time and it's sincere, he knows, but a part of him still can't - still refuses - to believe.

he shakes his head and ruffles his hair and the snow pours down. he brings the hood of his jacket up and walks the streets alone. his face is illuminated by the different lights of the different shops he passes by. 

he sighs, his fingers go colder. 

but he still catches a glimpse
of how his hand is entangled in her hair
of how her smile looks evangelistic

she works at a cafe now from six pm to six am. her only companion is this y high schooler who doesn't even bother to help with the orders. all she does is stay inside the storage room and sit down on the bag of beans and talk to her boyfriend on the phone.

but tonight, she sits down on the big bag of beans with her. they share drinks, frappe for her and cappucino for the other girl. they're both so different from each other, the only thing similar about them is the color of their hair.

the cafe is deserted ever since he left with a tall order of latte. yerim had checked on his order for her, she had hid behind the door and peeped through the cracks until he turned his back and walked out.

"but you're with jeon, right?"

"no. he's good but no."

"no? is he not boyfriend material?"

she snorts. "far from it." she wraps her arms around herself, remembering all those times he lent her his jackets. tonight he had worn her favorite; that black nike with the hood. it was so comfortable she kept it once for a month, he never complained. he even told her it smelled just like her.

she smiles.

"well then you're stupid."

"i know."

she should write on her resumes next time how her ability is to break anything and everything that is good. it's almost a talent now. 

"i'll man the counter. you can stay here." she leaves before she can even say thank you to her. she's left alone in the dim lighting of the storage room, she's not used to being alone. but she better get used to it now, because that's all she's ever going to be.