Playlist

---

“The lights are tangled.”

“It’s not me, I swear.”

Kyungsoo looks up from the large bundle of tangled Christmas lights in his lap and arches a brow. A small smile tugs at the corner of his mouth as Chanyeol shrugs at him with a sheepish smile tangling on his lips. Christmas songs are playing in the background and their apartment is undergoing a festive transformation. Kyungsoo struggles with the ball of wires and lights for a while longer before he finally gives up. He sends silent looks for help at his boyfriend. Chanyeol bites back a laugh at the helpless look on his beloved’s face. The happy giant abandons his task at hand right away in favour of rescuing the other man from the impossible wires.

“Chanyeol to the rescue!” the lanky man declares and joins Kyungsoo on the carpet by their tree. After receiving a dainty kiss as his payment of thanks, Chanyeol enthusiastically takes all of the messy wires into his lap. Mellow December sunshine streams in through the windows and casts a soft sheen over the hundreds of multi-coloured light bulbs, making them look as if they are already lit. The amused smile on Kyungsoo’s face returns as he watches Chanyeol stretch the tangled wires above his head. The taller man’s lips purse into a childish pout while his eyebrows furrow in concentration. Dangling in mid-air, the miniature bulbs clink against each other and make crispy noises like ringing silver bells.

Kyungsoo’s eyes soften at the nostalgic sound. Leaning back a bit, his gaze slowly traces over Chanyeol's gangly form, from the tip of the other's untidy dark hair down to toes wrapped in fuzzy reindeer-patterned socks. They’ve known each other for almost ten years now, Kyungsoo realizes suddenly, and he marvels at all that they have gone through in the past decade. It seems as if it was only yesterday when they were standing side by side beneath that large Christmas tree in the middle of the city. He remembers clearly the hundreds of delicate silver bells hanging off of the tip of outstretching branches, swaying and jingling to the snowy wind. As bustling crowds of people passed by in a blur all around them, their younger selves had made their first wish together.

---

It was the first year Kyungsoo had spent the holidays away from home. He was eighteen and Chanyeol had just turned nineteen a month before. They were still a little awkward with each other then, being acquaintances that have only exchanged casual greetings whenever their path crossed on the university campus. Kyungsoo's parents had won a trip for two to Jeju Island for Christmas and being the good son he was, he’d convinced them to take a vacation. He thought there would be other students staying in the freshman dorm with him, but he was terribly mistaken.

By the weekend before Christmas day, he was the only one left in the large dormitory building. Looking down the empty hallway on his floor, Kyungsoo sighed in misery and feebly shut the door to his room. He then turned the radio on as loud as he could, until Christmas tunes were blasting throughout the entire building. He was lonely, but he told no one because he didn’t want to be pitied.

On the dusk of Christmas Eve, a sequence of persistent knocks woke Kyungsoo unwillingly from his nap. He stomped to the door and swung it open with excessive force, a deep scowl on his face. To his surprise, Chanyeol was standing in the hallway, the lanky youth equally in shock with his knocking arm still hanging awkwardly in mid-air. Kyungsoo’s expression quickly changed from annoyance to confusion when the taller boy grinned at him sheepishly and asked if he’d like to go see the Christmas lights in the city. He didn't understand at all why this person he could barely call a friend want to spend Christmas Eve with him. Kyungsoo wasn’t even sure if that’s what he wanted. However, when he saw genuine eagerness in Chanyeol’s large eyes, his heart swelled with warm fuzzy feelings. It was like looking into the eyes of a puppy and he didn’t have the heart to say no. So he awkwardly accepted the invitation and a happy toothy grin instantly bloomed on the tall youth’s face. Unexpectedly, Kyungsoo smiled sincerely in return.

All night long, they wandered through the city, admiring the many splendorous light displays and festivities on the streets. The tips of their ears and nose turned pink from the cold, but that did not deter them from their adventure. To keep warm, they hid their hands inside their sleeves and pockets and dug their chins deeper into their thick, woolen scarves. The two boys chatted about everything and anything on their minds as they crunched snow beneath their feet.

Kyungsoo learned that Chanyeol was also in the music department, but he studied composition rather than performance. He learned that they both shared a love for kimchi pasta and that apparently, Chanyeol's mom's restaurant had the best kimchi pasta in Seoul. He also learned that Chanyeol heard about his lonely Christmas from Baekhyun, their mutual friend, and as a lifelong resident of Seoul, took it upon himself to make sure that Kyungsoo's first Christmas in this 'City of Love' would be a happy and enjoyable one. Kyungsoo thought the other boy was a little ridiculous at first, but the happy giant quickly grew on him. He was glad he had a companion like Chanyeol on his first Christmas Eve alone in the city. It made his experience just that much more memorable and extraordinary.

Throughout the night, Kyungsoo could not help but smile fondly at his new friend’s animated mannerism and cheerful countenance. He liked how Chanyeol tended to stutter a little whenever he was excited and how comforting and warm his deep voice sounded, like a warm blanket on cold winter nights. The taller boy was a happy virus and his happiness was contagious. Despite missing his family dearly, Kyungsoo was no longer lonely and for the first time in days, he was truly cheerful. He laughed wholeheartedly as they messed around like boys their age, throwing snow in each other's faces and trying to photobomb couples’ selfies whenever they could. Under the small shelter of Chanyeol's favourite food cart, they ate steaming hot tteokbokki and Kyungsoo bought his new friend another shared favourite of theirs, takoyaki. They even split an entire Christmas cake as they sipped on hot chocolate inside a boutique cafe, giggling at Chanyeol's many silly stories as the snow silenced the world around them.

When the Northern Star rose to the centre of the sky, they stood side by side beneath the largest Christmas tree in the city. "This tree will make your wish come true," Chanyeol whispered to Kyungsoo with a secretive grin and ceremonially clasped his hands together in front of his chest. Bowing slightly at the Christmas tree decorated in hundreds of silver bells, colourful ornaments, and extravagant garlands of gold and silver, he shut his eyes tight and made a wish.

Kyungsoo watched the taller boy's childish actions in amusement and slowly, the corners of the shorter boy’s mouth curved up until a sweet smile formed on his face. He wondered what kind of wish Chanyeol made; he wondered if he would be a part of that wish. Then as he listened to the soft jingles of silver bells, he too made a wish.

He wished that Chanyeol would always be a part of his Christmases from then on.

---

"It's done!"

Chanyeol cheers victoriously and falls back onto the carpet. Stretching noisily, he extends his arms into the air and tries to grab onto Kyungsoo. He smiles broadly at his boyfriend who is standing above him, carefully wrapping the unravelled wires along the length of his arm. Without taking his eyes off of his task, Kyungsoo gives the lanky man a gentle kick and chuckles when he hears a melodramatic cry.

"Help me hang these lights before you tangle them again."

Chanyeol pouts while rubbing his side and does what he is told. He takes one end of the Christmas lights and walks up to the tree. Standing on his tippy toes, he securely hooks the end to the top of the tree then begins to circle the tree, tucking wires periodically in between the branches to make sure they stay. Every time he passes by Kyungsoo he winks or blows a kiss and the shorter man simply rolls his eyes or just ignores him completely. However a small, happy smile never disappears from Kyungsoo’s face.  

Once the lights are hung, the two men move on to the ornaments. On the floor are a few sets in different colours they’d purchased earlier that week, as well as a box of personal trinkets turned ornaments they made themselves just for this Christmas. After a brief discussion, they decide on dressing the tree in red, gold, and silver, just like the first Christmas tree they saw together almost a decade ago.

"What did you wish for back then?" Kyungsoo asks out of the blue as he picks up a set of red ball-shaped ornaments and hangs it on the tree. Chanyeol weaves a long golden garland in between some branches and flashes him a flirty smile, an extra tad of playfulness glinting his mischievous eyes.

"You," the taller man answers and yelps right away when he receives a swift punch from Kyungsoo. Rubbing the sore spot, he pouts at his unimpressed boyfriend with puppy eyes.

"I'm serious," he whines and mumbles quietly, "I wished that we'd spend more time together and become closer. And, well, I got my wish."

Kyungsoo narrows his eyes and studies Chanyeol's expression in doubt. The taller man has recently picked up a habit of sweet talking excessively, no thanks to all the time he has been spending with Jongdae and Sehun, one of the dance instructors at his company, and Kyungsoo just isn't in the mood to deal with any shenanigans right now. He genuinely wants to know what Chanyeol had wished for. He wants to know if he really was a part of the happy giant's wish as he had always hoped.

Then he notices the pinkness of Chanyeol's elfish ears and his heart melts a little. Leaning over, he presses a firm kiss on his boyfriend's lips and chuckles as he watches the blush spread from the other’s ears all the way down to his neck and into his shirt.

"I'm glad you got your wish," Kyungsoo says softly, “because I got mine too,” and he goes back to hanging more ornaments. Chanyeol blinks in a daze for a moment before he starts asking persistently about what his boyfriend had wished for. Kyungsoo simply flashes the taller man a sweet heart-shaped smile and shoves more tinsels in his arms to wrap around the tree.

When all the ornaments and garlands are hanging on the branches, Kyungsoo opens up the last box by their feet. Each face of the box is covered entirely in used UPS shipping stickers, half of them addressed to the United States and the other half addressed to Korea. Both men are quiet as they look inside the box, half filled with a handful of trinkets that hold so many of their memories, both good and bad. Wordless, they reach in and each pulls out something close to their hearts.

A fond smile graces Chanyeol's face as he looks down at a string of worn out guitar picks. Gingerly, he hangs them on the end of the nearest branch and watches as the picks twirl left and right in midair. Those were the first presents he’d received from Kyungsoo. He’d used them until the ridges and letterings on the picks had completely disappeared, but he couldn’t bear to throw them away. They were and always will be special.

---

Kyungsoo had pulled Chanyeol away from the party gathered in the kitchen of their shared house. As they squished inside the narrow hallway, he fidgeted awkwardly with a small red gift bag in his hand.  Chewing on his bottom lip, he offered the package to his taller friend, looking at anywhere but at the happy giant. Quietly Kyungsoo mumbled happy birthday and his cheeks flushed red under the dim incandescent light. A broad grin bloomed on Chanyeol’s face as he eagerly ripped open his present. When he saw a pack of custom made guitar picks with the engraving ‘Happiness Delight’, he laughed heartily.

Perhaps it was the alcohol he was drinking or that a surge of natural giddiness had hit him, but Chanyeol felt like he was on top of the world, gliding through clouds with invisible wings attached to his back. Suddenly excited and inspired, the birthday boy gave Kyungsoo a quick hug and ran off to grab his guitar. Amidst all of his friends jeering and cheering, he struck a chord and began to sing. As he sang his heart out, laughing and harmonizing with Baekhyun and Jongdae who joined in halfway, he caught the glint of relief in Kyungsoo's clear eyes and his heart pumped a beat faster. He didn't know then that for the rest of his life, his heart would always and only beat just a little faster for that quiet wide-eyed boy humming quietly to his songs at the back of the party.

---

Flurries of snow fall to the earth and the world become a little quieter with each falling flake. Kyungsoo holds up a slender shard of teal coloured glass with rounded edges and a silky green ribbon running through the punctured hole near the top. The glass shimmers softly underneath the mellow afternoon light. It used to be part of a cologne bottle, the first Kyungsoo had ever owned and treasured. He could almost catch a lingering whiff of the fresh fragrance in the air and in nostalgia, he closes his eyes and tries to refresh the scent in his mind. It is the same one he still uses, but the first bottle will always smell a little different to him, a little more bittersweet.

---

On Kyungsoo’s twentieth birthday, Chanyeol shoved a bottle of cologne in his arms, claiming that now he was a man, he must smell like one too. Hesitantly, the birthday boy took a wary whiff of the perfume and he was pleasantly surprised by a scent of fresh woodland after the rain with hints of sandalwood, rosewood and cypress. Amazed at the subtle aroma, he flashed Chanyeol an impressed look and the lanky man chuckled proudly. The happy giant boasted about his keen nose and amazing sense at designing the most appropriate mix of fragrances for Kyungsoo.

Then without any warning, Chanyeol spritzed some of the cologne on Kyungsoo’s neck, swooped down until the tip of his nose just barely brushed against the latter’s skin, and inhaled deeply. As he pulled away smirking like a sly fox, he whispered to a blushing Kyungsoo that he smelt irresistible. The next thing Chanyeol knew, he was lying on the floor of their shared house living room, screaming in pain and holding onto his sore nose with both hands. As the taller boy continued to scream about the inhumane treatment he received, Kyungsoo stomped out of the room with balled up fists and a burning face.

For the next few years, he scarcely used the cologne. It wasn't because he didn't like it, but because he loved it so much he didn't want it ever to be finished. The scent calmed and consoled him, especially during trying times when life was hard and painful. Eventually, he did finish that first bottle, but only after Chanyeol gifted him with ten more bottles of the same scent, when the taller man moved back to Seoul again.

While Junmyeon exclaimed judgement at the taller man’s excessiveness and tactlessness, Kyungsoo simply smiled at the bottles without saying a word. All of Junmyeon’s comments went unnoticed as his fingers traced tenderly along the outline of each teal glass bottle. They embodied a promise only he and Chanyeol understood. This scent told their story and he wouldn't change it for the world.

---

As the last rays of sunshine disappear beyond the horizon, Chanyeol and Kyungsoo stand back and admire their handiwork. The miniature bulbs blink amidst the pine needles and their tiny lights reflect off the strategically placed ornaments and garlands. Fragments of colourful light scatter across the cozy room and makes the night just a touch more magical. Trinkets that carry many of their memories are sprinkled throughout the branches, adding an extra personal touch to the tree and making it even more meaningful.

There are the picks, the cologne bottle fragment, a couple of Rilakkuma doll dressed in different costumes, as well as multiple key chains from cities across America. There are also tiny frames hanging on the tree that contain photos of their friends and families, and a laminated stub of a boarding pass to New York City from three years ago. Chanyeol also had snuck a few mistletoes onto the tree and wiggling his eyebrows suggestively, he leans down. Kyungsoo chuckles against the warm lips pecking his mouth over and over again, and he wraps his arms around his boyfriend’s neck. Chanyeol slinks his arms around Kyungsoo’s waist and he presses their bodies closer, as if trying to mold their heart and soul into each other’s.

As feathery snowflakes paint the city white, they exchange long tender kisses and try to convey all of their love for each other. Gently, Kyungsoo rakes his fingers through Chanyeol’s hair and lets them slide along the scalp, graze over the nape of the other’s neck and slides into the collar of his sweater. The taller man’s skin is warm to his touch and it sends tingles rushing through his veins. In the pit of his stomach, coursing through his trembling body and swirling around in his buzzing head, Kyungsoo’s love for Chanyeol overwhelms him.

But it also silences him. He wants to tell the man in his arms ‘I love you’ over and over again until his voice is hoarse and until those are his last words. However, he cannot bring himself to say it out loud. Every time he opens his mouth, tears well up in his eyes and his throat tightens up. He has kept that phrase and those sentiments inside of him for so long that when he is finally able to express them freely, he can’t anymore. Because those three simple words carry too many years of longing and too much happiness, sadness, regret, anger, and relief as they finally found their ways back to each other’s side. So Kyungsoo puts all of his love into his caresses and lingering kisses. Over each inch of skin and with each nibble and le, he etches his devotion and marks his yearning.

Looking into each other’s eyes and not once letting go, their clothes fall piece by piece onto the floor until they are facing each other as true as the day they were born. Chanyeol cups Kyungsoo’s face and he smiles when the latter leans into his touch. Eyes as clear and bright as the full moon blink at him in the quiet night, seeing nobody but him, and Chanyeol knows that his dream has finally come true. He smiles, he laughs, and he also cries a little. Kyungsoo balances on his tippy toes and presses a firm yet gentle kiss on his beloved’s forehead.

“Lost and now I’m found,” he says, wiping away the tears, and Chanyeol whispers in repetition.

“Lost and now I’m found.”

Then bowing his head, he captures Kyungsoo’s lips again and both men let their lust, love and instincts take control.

As their bodies entangle together, rocking softly to their syncing heartbeats, their hot laboured breaths fog up the windows in their cozy apartment. Muffled and sensual gasps disrupt the rhythm of the Christmas tunes still playing softly in the background. Sweat drops glide down bare chests towards where they are connected and mixes with the other fluids on their heated bodies. The carpet beneath their bodies rubs against the wooden floor with each passionate and like the silver bells swaying in distant memories, the ornaments and lights on the tree jingle mildly to their every movement.

Late into the deep winter night, Chanyeol whispers Kyungsoo’s name over and over again until his voice is hoarse. When the snow comes to a stop, they cuddle underneath a blanket on the floor with Chanyeol’s lanky arms wrapped tightly around Kyungsoo’s smaller frame, and they fall asleep to the calming sound of their overlapping breaths.

---

It was the last Christmas in their shared house and Jongdae, Baekhyun and Chanyeol insisted on hosting a holiday party. Kyungsoo wasn’t particular up for the idea, but he went along with it. He didn’t like it when so many people squeezed into their tiny house, definitely drunk and senseless, but he supposed it would be alright this time around for sentimental reasons. Because Chanyeol would be halfway around the world in the New Year. He had been accepted into the graduate program at Berklee College of Music in Boston for music composition.

As much as Kyungsoo was happy for his best friend, a heavy feeling also tugged at his heart. He tried to push it away, cover it up, and ignore it in whatever way he could. But as Chanyeol’s departure loomed closer, it was getting more and more difficult for him to run away from that dreadful feeling. He hated to admit it, but he’d miss Chanyeol dearly. He would miss the other’s boisterous laughter, their lazy Sunday movies, and he would even miss how the taller man called his name at least twenty times a day.

Despite all the annoying things his goofy friend did to him, Chanyeol had brought more light, laughter, and happiness into his life than anyone else had. He took Kyungsoo by the hand and introduced a whole new world to him that the latter never imagined he could have. And now that Chanyeol was about to leave, Kyungsoo was both afraid and sad. He knew the world he had come to like would slowly crumble apart without Chanyeol around, never to be the same again.

But even so, Kyungsoo knew Chanyeol had to leave and so he decided to keep those feelings all to himself. He didn’t say a word when he saw the taller man packing quietly in the middle of the night nor did he utter a sound when Baekhyun drunkenly cried on Chanyeol’s shoulder, slurring something about how much he would miss his partner in crime. Even at the Christmas party, as Jongdae raised his glass with tears his eyes, making a toast to Chanyeol and wishing him all the best in the world, Kyungsoo simply mumbled a quiet ‘hear hear’ and sipped on the cheap Champagne in his mug. Friends and classmates came and went that night, and after witnessing one too many teary goodbyes, Kyungsoo slipped away and climbed onto the small attic balcony. Snuggling himself into his large winter coat, he exhaled deeply and watched as his white breath evaporated into the darkness.

He didn’t know how long he had stayed on the tiny balcony, but when Chanyeol joined him, his skin and hands were already freezing to the touch. Laughing at the usual dazed look on his wide-eyed friend’s face, Chanyeol cupped his warm hands around Kyungsoo’s cheeks and squeezed them. As the taller man joked about something in his goofy way, Kyungsoo didn’t struggle free nor did he protest. Instead, he simply blinked and took in the sight in front of him, of the glinting playful eyes, pink nose and pointed ears, flushed cheeks, and the wide toothy grin that always looks so genuine. As if snapping photos with his mind, Kyungsoo stared unblinkingly at his best friend. He wanted to make sure he would always remember this person and their time together.

Chanyeol’s smile slowly fell as Kyungsoo continued to stare at him without a word. He hadn’t heard the shorter man speak to him in over a week and he wondered if he had done something horribly wrong again. He was hoping they would make up before he went away, but he wasn’t so sure they could anymore. Sighing, he withdrew his hands, but jumped right away when a pair of smaller, freezing hands grabbed hold of them. Stunned, he gaped at Kyungsoo, who was still blinking at him and instinctively, he intertwined their fingers together to share some warmth.

Then, Chanyeol leaned forward and kissed Kyungsoo. Cold lips melted against warm ones as both young men held their breaths. When they pulled away, panting for oxygen, Chanyeol realized what he had done and panicked. Looking around and finally upwards, he spotted a withered mistletoe hanging above them. Visibly relieved, he flashed an embarrassed, crooked smile at Kyungsoo and braced to be beaten to a pulp. However, the punches never came nor did any loud swearing or shouting. Only a single tear fell from Kyungsoo’s widened eyes.

The moment Chanyeol’s lips touched his, Kyungsoo understood why he had felt so miserable for the past month. It wasn’t just because he would miss the lanky giant dearly nor because he was afraid of the big changes in the future. It was because he was in love with his best friend and he didn’t want Chanyeol to leave him. He wanted to them to live together until they were old, and Kyungsoo wanted the taller man’s smiling face to greet him first every morning. He wanted to always have Chanyeol’s warmth in his life, right next to him when they hugged, when they squeezed into the couch watching a movie, or when they fell asleep huddle under the same blanket in the deep winter. Kyungsoo just wanted Chanyeol to stay with him. He wouldn’t have realized his feelings if it wasn’t for that kiss, but now as he panted for breath, he knew. It was as clear as day. Shocked, relieved and ecstatic, a single tear escaped from the corner of his eyes.

However, before he could relish in the joy of his newly realized love, his heart broke into millions of pieces, matching the stars in the sky. Scrambling to his feet, Chanyeol mumbled a quick apology and asked Kyungsoo to please forget about what he had done.

“I was drunk. That kiss meant nothing. Sorry Soo… We are both men, so… I’m just sorry, okay?”

With that said, Chanyeol disappeared into the house and a few days later, he disappeared from Kyungsoo’s life. He avoided Kyungsoo at every turn and didn’t even show up at their last Sunday movie night. As the characters on the TV screen laughed and talked, the shorter boy’s heart sank like a chainless anchor plummeting into the bottom of the ocean.

They didn’t speak again, not even at the airport when everyone went to send Chanyeol off. Holding each other’s hand in a loose grip, they awkwardly shook hands under Jongdae and Baekhyun’s curious and scrutinizing gazes. Flashing Kyungsoo one last stiff smile, Chanyeol his heels and walked away. With each step he took, he unknowingly tore another piece of the other boy’s bleeding heart. When his silhouette vanished through the boarding gate, there was nothing left of Kyungsoo.

---

The rich smell of chocolate and cinnamon saturates the air and Chanyeol wakes up. The room is still dimly lit with just blinking lights on the Christmas tree, as well as a few scented candles on the coffee table. Yawning and stretching on the floor, he bundles himself completely inside the furry blanket on top of him and searches around for his missing boyfriend. Eyelids heavy and still laden with sleep, he finally spots Kyungsoo’s blanket wrapped form emerging from the kitchen with two large mugs of creamy cocoa in his hands. Chanyeol quickly opens his blanket cocoon and coos for Kyungsoo to join him, which the latter does so gladly with butterfly kisses to the cheek.

“Hey, you,” Kyungsoo whispers and settles in between Chanyeol’s long legs. He giggles when he hears the quiet growl from behind as his boyfriend tries to strip him of his blanket but fails to. Wiggling his shoulders lightly, he lets the fabric fall to the ground and tugged away by the lanky man. They press tenderly against each other, bare chest to , and draws in each other’s body temperature, savouring the comfort of their little moment.

“Hey,” Chanyeol croaks and takes one of the mugs. He snuggles his chin into the crown of Kyungsoo’s hair and tightens his embrace. Shutting his eyes, he lets the hot beverage warm his hands as he listens to the other man take frequent, little sips of the cocoa. Suddenly an image of a cat lapping carefully at hot milk comes to his mind and he snorts.

“You’re so cute,” the happy giant hums lazily and snuggles his cheek into Kyungsoo’s short hair. The latter smiles into his drink and playfully elbows his boyfriend lightly in the ribs. Chanyeol mumbles a mindless apology before cackling in breathy chuckles.

For a while, they sit inside their blanket cocoon and enjoy the hot cocoa, chatting quietly here and there about trivial matters. When the snow picks up again, tinting the edge of the murky sky with colours of pastel pink and purple, Kyungsoo places their empty mugs on the coffee table and twists his head to face Chanyeol.

“Let’s watch a movie,” he says and his gentle giant nods, sharing a sweet kiss between them.

---

Absentmindedly stirring the soggy cereal in his bowl, Chanyeol stared blankly at the trio being interviewed by the MCs of a popular music program in Korea. They looked nervous, but also excited to be there. After all, no one expected them to place the music chart so soon with their first single. Jongdae, Baekhyun and Kyungsoo had just debuted a week ago as the ballad group JKB with their title song Miracles in December.

It had been almost two years since Chanyeol moved to Boston, attending the Berklee College of Music as a graduate student. Although he couldn’t go back often to visit his families and friends, he kept in touch with everyone through the Internet. That was, everyone except Kyungsoo. Ever since they kissed two Christmases ago, Chanyeol wasn’t sure how he should face his best friend anymore. He couldn’t rid of the image of Kyungsoo’s stunned and crying face in his head.

He didn’t know if his friend had come to hate him because of the kiss and he was always too afraid to ask. Whenever Kyungsoo quickly appeared then disappeared out of the corner of Jongdae or Baekhyun’s screen, Chanyeol wanted to jump to his feet and just let it all out: ‘Why did you cry? Why aren’t we talking anymore? Is it because you hate me for kissing you? Is that why?’ ‘And also,’ the taller man’s heart would pinch whenever he thought of this, ‘Do you hate it that much that I kissed you?’

However, he never asked any of those questions to Kyungsoo and the other man never sought him to speak either. He was so flustered after the Christmas party and terrified of any damage he had incurred on their friendship, he avoided Kyungsoo to the best of his ability. He hoped that the distance between them would fade everything away, and when Kyungsoo was okay with him again, they’d talk and laugh about it. Except the wide-eyed man never talked to him again.

He could just instigate the conversation like he used to between them, but he held himself back and dwelled on the sliver of displeasure that eventually fleshed out into an irrational monster in his mind. ‘It was just a kiss, right?’ he kept saying to himself, ‘I did nothing wrong. He doesn’t need to be this upset.’ Chanyeol felt abandoned by Kyungsoo as their silent feud stretched from days into months, then to years. He knew that his quiet friend cared deeply for him, but sometimes as he laid awake in the middle of the night, he doubted. Loneliness made him insecure and disheartened. He wondered what if they had talked before he left. He wondered what if they had never kissed.

Often, he would see Kyungsoo in his dreams. At times, they’d be lying in freshly fallen snow, just laughing and singing as they made snow angles. Other times, Kyungsoo would be sitting beside him in the tiny attic balcony, their arms barely touching as they silently watched meteors fly across the mid-summer sky. He missed his best friend. He missed speaking to him, seeing his face, and most of all he missed knowing that Kyungsoo would always be there for him.

Winter melted away to spring and Chanyeol’s graduation was fast approaching. Jongdae, Baekhyun and Kyungsoo were doing well as the anticipated upcoming artist and more than once, Jongdae asked him when he’d return. “You can write songs for us now,” he said in excitement and Baekhyun would chime in. They never probed Chanyeol about his situation with Kyungsoo and he was thankful for that. He didn’t know what he could have said really.

As he laughed at Jongdae and Baekhyun bickering over something trivial again through FaceTime, he caught a glimpse of Kyungsoo sneaking a peek his way. But still, they did not exchange any words and Chanyeol replied to Jongdae that he was still not sure when he’d return to Korea.

Two weeks later, a Dispatch article on Kyungsoo seen with a female actress late at night inside a coffee shop made the headline of all of the Korean online entertainment news. The more Chanyeol read, the more he found it hard to breathe. It was as if water had clogged his lungs and he felt like he was suffocating. Kyungsoo did have girlfriends before in university and Chanyeol was fine then; although he had chased all of them away with the help of Jongdae or Baekhyun because he never saw any of them to be worthy of Kyungsoo. Yet this rumour bothered him, so much that he felt angry and betrayed. He didn’t know why he was reacting in such a way and it really wasn’t his business who Kyungsoo chose to date or what he did with his private life anymore, especially since they hadn’t spoken to each other once in two and a half years. But Chanyeol made it his business and acting on impulse, he dialed the phone number he could never forget.  

To his surprise, Kyungsoo picked up. There were no polite exchanges of pleasantries and the brief phone conversation went from awful to terrible. Chanyeol didn’t know why he was screaming at Kyungsoo or why he chose to treat a friend in need of comfort with sarcasm and bitter words.

“What about me? You didn’t talk to me once after I left and it’s like you removed me from your life!” He screamed harshly without thought, “So now what, this woman is going take over my place in your life? Have you ever thought about my feelings, Soo? Have you??”

For a long while, Kyungsoo did not answer and slowly, Chanyeol regained his senses as he listened to the heavy silence over the phone. Nervously, he gulped as he recalled the words he had just said but did not mean. He already regretted them and wanted to retract them. However, before he could apologize, Kyungsoo replied coldly, his voice hollow and dead as if his heart had been emptied out.

“I used to, but I won’t anymore. You’re not replaceable in my life, even though sometimes I wish you were. Goodbye, Chanyeol. I won’t love you anymore.”

It took three days for Chanyeol to fully digest what Kyungsoo had told him, but by then, it was already too late. He had destroyed a love with his own hands and he didn’t even know how to salvage it. He only wished that he could rewind time because then he’d return to three days ago and not make that phone call. He’d go back to two and a half years ago, to the day he left and tell Kyungsoo that he’ll be back soon. More so, he’d go back to the night of the holidays party when he had sat face to face with Kyungsoo on that tiny balcony. He’d take the wide-eyed man’s face in his hands and kiss him again. He’d just kiss him until they were breathless and weak in the knees, and he’d tell Kyungsoo that he too had always loved him. He just didn’t know it until it was too late.

As he gazed blankly at a photo of him and Kyungsoo when they’d first moved into their old house, the sky darkened with rolling clouds outside. In a faint murmur, an early summer shower began to fall. Large raindrops glided down the window panes like tears and the humid wind whispered as if it was weeping. As he played Miracles in December on repeat, Chanyeol wondered if miracles also happen in May.

Kyungsoo never picked up his calls again and after graduation, Chanyeol moved to New York City, where he signed a five-year contract with a famous music production company. On the train from Boston to New York, he wrote an email to Jongdae and apologized for not being able to return to Korea anytime soon. Then upon receiving the other’s reply, he let the tears he had been holding in fall. Bowed over his phone, he choked out breathless sobs.

I open up this book of memories, I open up your page. And in the book I’m in there, we all are, in there with you. Please know and believe that we all love you very much, even though some of us may find it hard to say right now. Good luck, Chanyeol, and may you find happiness.

Love, Jongdae

---

Still wrapped securely inside their large blanket cocoon on the carpet, Kyungsoo and Chanyeol blink at the large selection of Christmas movies on their TV screen. Leaning against the taller man’s left shoulder, Kyungsoo glances up at the other’s sharp profile, unable to make a decision.

“What should we watch?”

“You’re the one that wants to watch a movie, so you pick,” Chanyeol replies with a small shrug, also feeling lost with so many options.

“What did you watch as a child?” Kyungsoo asks again, ignoring his boyfriend’s sass. Chanyeol shifts from one cheek to the other and tilts his head sideway as he tries to recall.

“Rudolph, Frosty the Snowman, the Christmas Carol, the Grinch,” he counts off the ones he can think off the top of his head, “you know, the same movies every kid watches during Christmas time. But I don’t want to watch any of those.”

“Alright,” Kyungsoo tilts his head too and leans their foreheads together. They look straight into each other’s eyes and Chanyeol giggles. He lowers his head and rubs the tip of their noses together, the Eskimo way, and Kyungsoo chuckles as well.

“How about we watch Home Alone?”

“Nah, watched it too many times.”

“The Nightmare before Christmas?”

“Too scary…” and to illustrate his point, Chanyeol snuggles closer to the shorter man in his arms and shivers, acting scared. Kyungsoo smiles upwards and bites him lightly on the chin, to which the taller man growls in reply and bites back on his boyfriend’s cheek.

“Miracle on 34th street?”

“Too old.”

“Fine. Um… Elf?”

“Too happy and Christmas-y.”

“Chanyeol…”

“What?” the happy giant defends himself against Kyungsoo’s judging look, “if we are going to watch something, then it has to be the perfect movie. We don’t get that much time together around this time of the year, so I want every moment to be perfect.”

Kyungsoo sighs in defeat. He cannot argue with that. The holidays are always the busiest time for artists and this year is no difference. His group with Jongdae and Baekhyun are releasing another Christmas album. The headliner song is composed by Chanyeol and close to both of their hearts, titled Sing for You.

This is the first Christmas they are spending together since they were in university. However, their alone times are very limited due to Kyungsoo’s busy schedule. Just to take a day off right before their promotional period starts Kyungsoo had to endure a really long lecture from his manager, Junmyeon, as well as ignore many angry calls when he finally couldn’t listen anymore and walked out of the practice room while Junmyeon was still talking.

Kyungsoo too wants every precious moment he spends with Chanyeol to be perfect. He wants to savour every second and remember every little thing: the temperature of their skins against each other, the small crinkles around Chanyeol’s eyes whenever he smiles, the faint aroma of chocolate and cinnamon in the air, and the hazy reflections of Christmas lights on their foggy windows. He wishes time would just stop and they’d stay in this moment forever.

“How about Love Actually?” Chanyeol suggests and hovers the cursor over the iconic movie poster. Kyungsoo looks up at the screen and nods.  

“That’d be perfect.”

They shift from the floor to the couch behind them and Chanyeol runs to turn off the lights on the tree. He shrieks as his blanket cocoon falls apart and shivers from gusts of cold air attacking his bare skin. Kyungsoo chuckles at his beloved’s clumsiness and pats the spot on the couch next to him. Chanyeol jumps onto the soft cushion and immediately wraps himself around his smaller boyfriend. He rearranges the fuzzy blanket until it covers them both from neck to toe and they start the movie. As the film opens with different people hugging and greeting each other with love and affection in the London Heathrow airport, Kyungsoo cannot help but smile and reminisce. Chanyeol smiles too as he listens to the narration. It’s true, love is everywhere and it’s always there. You just need to be brave and take it by the hands.

---

A party popper burst in the small recording studio and Kyungsoo smiled politely at the radio DJ. It was the third year anniversary of JKB’s debut and they were becoming well established in the Korean music circle, having snatched a few awards as well as the hearts of many fans. While Jongdae and Baekhyun chatted animatedly with the radio DJ, Kyungsoo just nodded to their conversations and began to zone out.

It had also been almost three years since he last spoke to Chanyeol. Jongdae never questioned him about their last phone call, why Chanyeol was screaming or why he replied the way he did. Kyungsoo was thankful to Jongdae for not prying, as well as keeping Baekhyun at bay with his many questions. He knew they were both worried about him, about Chanyeol, and how their friendship seemed to have fallen apart in just one night. Technically, it was a slow death over the span of two years, but Kyungsoo didn’t want to explain.

He had never mentioned the kiss or his broken heart to his two friends. At first he was afraid they’d judge him and leave him too, then he was afraid they’d pity him. He suspected that they already knew everything because Chanyeol must have talked, he always did. Yet still, Kyungsoo’s pride held him back from saying anything and he became even quieter over the years. He swallowed his words and his emotions and they brew and fermented inside of him like poison, gradually eating him alive and killing him.

For three years, Kyungsoo had repeatedly tried and failed to evict Chanyeol from his heart and to push the taller man out of his mind. His heart still hurt at the thought of the other man, the kind of dull, thudding pain that kept him awake until the sun came up. No matter how much he busied himself with work, his brain just did not want to give him a break from the happy giant and it was set on torturing him. The bright smiling face he had fallen in love with would always surface at the most inopportune times. When he practiced singing by himself, he’d faintly see Chanyeol playing the guitar from the corner of his eyes. Or when he watched a movie, it always felt as if the happy giant was sitting just beside him, pointing at the screen and whispering useless commentaries in his ears like he used to.

Sometimes, Kyungsoo thought he was going to go insane. He would hear the familiar deep voice among the fans cheering or mistake tall strangers with bowed legs as the man living in his heart. Everywhere in his life and in everything he did, somehow Chanyeol would be there with him. It was as if the taller man was haunting him, but Kyungsoo knew. Really, it was his memories and his longing for the other man that haunted him.

Baekhyun’s high pitched laughter brought him back to reality and the program soon went into commercial break. Everyone took off their headphones and Kyungsoo shut his eyes, running his hands through his hair to try to relieve some of the tension building in his forehead. He sighed softly. He never got used to appearing on shows, not like Jongdae and Baekhyun had, and the camera still unnerved him. Across the table, Baekhyun hummed cheerfully to himself while Jongdae checked his phone.

A surprised and horrified gasp from Jongdae made Kyungsoo open his eyes and concerned, he frowned at his friend in question. Baekhyun too stopped his humming and asked what was the matter. Hesitantly, Jongdae looked up with furrowed brows and replied that he had just gotten a message from Yura, Chanyeol’s sister. She said that Chanyeol had been hit by a car while walking to work. Kyungsoo’s eyes widened in shock and a loud ringing began to buzz in his ears. The scene of Chanyeol’s dying body lying in a pool of his own blood flashed through his mind as Jongdae continued to inform them of their friend’s condition: “Chanyeol was hurt, but not too badly and none of his injuries were life-threatening.” At the relatively good news, Baekhyun let out a sigh of relief and a few nervous chuckles.

The commercial break ended then and mechanically placing the headphones back on, Kyungsoo stared at the microphone in front of him in a daze. He could not wave away this terrible feeling and it wrenched at his heart painfully. He took a deep breath and tried to suppress it, but it only came back stronger, congesting his chest and making him nauseous. What if Chanyeol had died? His mind raced frantically and erratically. If he had, then his last words to him would have been “I won’t love you anymore.” Kyungsoo frowned deeply at that thought.

It hit him in that instant how stupid he had been for the past five years. He had stayed away and kept his best friend, someone whom he loved the most in the entire world, at arm’s length. And for what? His pride, his ego, or because he was afraid of getting hurt again? Kyungsoo supposed it was all of the above, but he finally saw that none of it was worth it. Nothing in the world was worth it for him to stay away from Chanyeol, to ignore his outreaching hand, and to pretend that he didn’t love him. The taller man had always been the light in his life and he always will be.

The way Chanyeol smiled and laughed with life, the way he screamed and cried unashamedly whenever he was frustrated, and the way he’d always stayed by Kyungsoo’s side to lend a shoulder when he was homesick - Kyungsoo missed all of that and he missed loving Chanyeol. Even if the taller man would never love him back in the way he craved, Kyungsoo decided that it was okay. Because it was enough just to have the other man in his life. Because Kyungsoo loved him, he will be okay.

A sharp jab under the table jogged Kyungsoo out of his thoughts. Looking around, he saw Jongdae apologizing for his rude behaviour at the DJ and Baekhyun flash him a quick worried look. In the monitoring booth, Junmyeon’s arms waved wildly about, his eyes large and glaring, mouthing at him to pay attention. Turning to the radio DJ, Kyungsoo quickly apologized as well. The kind woman laughed it off with lightheartedness and repeated her question. Kyungsoo still didn’t hear her question as his mind was preoccupied with just one thought, but he already knew his answer.

“I’m going to New York,” he said with resolution and caught everyone off guard. The radio host stuttered in surprise while Jongdae and Baekhyun stared at him, surprised as well yet not entirely. Ignoring Junmyeon’s warning glares and frenzied hand signs, Kyungsoo looked straight into his friends’ eyes and repeated himself. His voice trembled a little as he spoke slowly but surely.

“I’m going to New York, now.”

---

As the movie credit rolls across the screen, soft sounds of snoring fill the room along with the upbeat Christmas soundtrack at the end of the movie. Leaning against each other on the couch, Kyungsoo’s head lolls sideway onto Chanyeol’s shoulder while the taller man’s cheek pushes against his boyfriend’s short hair. Both men are fast asleep and their chests rise and fall in sync with each of their harmonizing breaths. Underneath the blanket, their fingers are intertwined loosely together.

When the screen darkens and the TV shuts off by itself, the snowy night embraces the cozy apartment entirely. Against the backdrop of fading stars and waning darkness, snowflakes dance with the wind and transforms the city into a winter wonderland.

Chanyeol dreams of the time he and Kyungsoo went whale watching in Alaska.

Running along the snowy beach, he sends hundreds of seabirds into the sky while Kyungsoo laughs and films him from behind, strolling slowly next to the set of larger footprints he made. Side by side, they stand by the edge of the water and watch as waves come and go. In the distance, a whale’s tail flips out of the dark ocean and in the blink of an eye, they are floating in space. Moving slowly, he links hands with Kyungsoo. The whale swims by in front of their eyes and soundlessly, it drifts through the endless stretch of stars into the infinite darkness. Until the whale cannot be seen anymore, until it dissolves into the vast universe, Chanyeol smiles.

He is finally at peace. He is finally home.  

---

Sitting in the back of a yellow cab, Chanyeol tapped his foot impatiently on the dirty floor. He looked outside the window at the gridlock and growled quietly to himself. The cab driver eyed him through the back view mirror and muttered something in a language he didn’t understand or cared for in that moment. He checked the time on his phone again with his healthy hand and let out another throaty grunt. He was definitely going to be late.

He was woken up at 7:30 in the morning by a phone call from Baekhyun. Before he could curse at his friend for disrupting his first day off in a long while thanks to a broken arm from his car accident, Baekhyun’s excited voice exploded through the speakerphone. Words shot out of his mouth like machine gun bullets and Chanyeol mumbled for him to slow down, confused by all the information thrown his way. Finally, Jongdae took over and explained everything in a few succinct but powerful sentences.

“We are at the airport right now. Kyungsoo just left for New York and he’ll be landing tonight at 7:30. And yes, that’s your ‘tonight’, so you have twelve hours to prepare yourself. Please message me when you pick him up safe and sound, just so Junmyeon hyung doesn’t kill us more.”

For a good half a minute Chanyeol gawked at his ceiling processing what he just heard, paying no attention to Baekhyun’s happy chatter and Junmyeon’s angry voice arguing with a placate Jongdae that filtered through his phone. He didn’t know what to say or how to react. Kyungsoo had been avoiding him for so long. Since Chanyeol realized his feelings three years ago, he had tried every platform possible to connect with the shorter man again. From emails, text messages, online social media, to even fan mails and physical letters, he had tried everything with no avail. Ever since he realized that he was in love with Kyungsoo, and always had been, he wanted to mend the cracks in their relationship. He didn’t dare to think that Kyungsoo would love him again, but he hoped they could at least still be friends. He knew that they’d never go back to how close they used to be and he had come to term with that. He just wanted the other man back in his life.

However, Kyungsoo did not give him a chance at all. He had thought of asking Jongdae and Baekhyun for help but decided against it in the end. He didn’t want to discuss the kiss with them because it was an intimate moment between him and Kyungsoo and he wanted to keep it that way. Even though that was probably the moment when everything began to fall apart, Chanyeol still saw something magical in it. It was their first kiss and he would always keep it close to his heart.

When he came to his senses again, Chanyeol stuttered a quick thanks and hung up. Sitting up from his bed, he then spent another long while staring into space. His mind was like a tangled ball of yarn and he didn’t know where he should begin sorting out his thoughts. He could not imagine what could have compelled Kyungsoo to visit him so suddenly, especially after blocking him out of his life for so long. It couldn’t have been his injury, he thought and subconsciously touched his arm cast. He had only told his family about his accident and he avoided telling his friends just yet. He didn’t want them to worry unnecessarily since he knew they had just released a new winter album and was in the middle of their promotional activities.

Chanyeol’s brows knitted together as strange worries of all kinds began to fill his mind: was Kyungsoo in trouble? Maybe he didn’t come to see him but this was a part of their promotions? But then why would Junmyeon be angry? If it wasn’t for promotion, was Kyungsoo in such big trouble that he had to get out of the country in such a hurry? A thousand and one possibilities, mostly bad and worse ones, overwhelmed him and Chanyeol threw himself back into bed with a tired moan. This was not the time off he was expecting.

The day went by surprisingly fast for Chanyeol, too fast for his liking. By the time he had finished cleaning his entire apartment, making sure the place looked presentable, and changed his outfit for the umpteenth time, he was already cutting it close. Then, of course, he had completely forgotten about the terrible traffic in New York City. Stuck inside a cab that smelled a little funky, Chanyeol held back the urge to either smash his head against the window repeatedly or just get off and start sprinting down the freeway.

When he finally made it to the JFK airport and ran to Kyungsoo’s arrival gate, he was already thirty minutes late. He panted heavily while searching everywhere for the familiar figure he had missed for years. A thin layer of sweat coated his forehead and using his good arm, he tugged clumsily at his heavy scarf. His eyes searched fervently through the bustling crowd and all around him, he could only see families and friends reunited and hugged in greeting. Tears began to rim his eyes as his heart thumped nervously in his ears. The harder he searched, the more impossible it seemed for him to find the shorter man. People’s face began to morph into Kyungsoo’s and no matter which direction he looked, Kyungsoo was everywhere, yet he was not.

Suddenly, Chanyeol caught the faint aroma of fresh woodland after the rain with hints of sandalwood, rosewood and cypress in the air. He recognized it right away. Turning sharply in the direction of the fragrance, he stared, unblinking, into the crowd. Amidst the travelling bodies weaving in and out of Chanyeol’s line of vision, a man dressed from head to toe in black appeared merely twenty steps away. His hair was disheveled from the long travel and eye bags were very visible beneath his clear, wide eyes framed by wiry round glasses. He had just an old duffel bag in his hand and standing so still in a sea of people, he looked like a lost child waiting to be found.

Chanyeol exhaled sharply as he stared at Kyungsoo, who look back at him with his usual unblinking wide eyes and a blank face. Blinking rapidly, the taller man tried to rid of the tears blurring his vision. He felt lightheaded and giddy as if he were dreaming. He wanted to shout out the other man’s name, run up to him and crush him into a bear hug; kiss him, tell him how much he had missed him, anything. But his body refused to move and he just stared at the shorter man with tear swimming in his eyes. Then as if everything was happening in slow motion, Kyungsoo walked up to him and wrapped his arms tightly around his body.

“I’m so glad you’re here…” Kyungsoo whispered into Chanyeol’s chest as his heart sank from his throat back to its proper place. He was so nervous the entire plane ride that he didn’t get a wink of sleep. “What if Chanyeol had already given up on him after so many years?” Kyungsoo couldn’t help but worry, “What if he wouldn’t pick him up from the airport like Jongdae said he would?” He used to get messages and letters from the taller man all the time, but in the past year, the numbers had decreased dramatically. However, all of his doubts and fear evaporated when he saw Chanyeol’s frantic searching form in the airport crowd.

Kyungsoo’s hands trembled as he tightened his embrace and he fought the urge to break into tears of relief in public. Chanyeol looked down at the man holding him close and numbly looped his good arm around the other’s body as well. The temperature of Kyungsoo’s body radiated through his thin black coat and gradually, it warmed the taller man’s hand, his heart and his entire being. As he gripped firmly to the back of Kyungsoo’s coat, his couldn’t keep his tears in anymore and he let them fall down his cheeks as he buried his face into the crown of the other man’s hair. Silently, he wept; out of happiness, in comfort, and he wept in place of the many words he could not convey to the other man for many years.

For a long time, Chanyeol and Kyungsoo stood in an embrace in the middle of the airport, the old duffel bag left forgotten by their feet.

When they got back to Chanyeol’s small apartment, they sat face to face on the bed and talked all night long. They whispered deep into the morning about their lives away from each other and their life together to come until they fell asleep huddled with their foreheads touching.

As if attempting to compensate for all the time they spent apart, they rarely left each other’s sight during Kyungsoo’s brief stay in New York, and when Chanyeol followed his boyfriend back to Korea for his time off. Baekhyun teased the new couple by calling them conjoined twins and Kyungsoo glared at him while Chanyeol simply grinned like the happiest person on earth.

Because the lanky man sincerely believed that he was the happiest man on earth. When he looked into Kyungsoo’s eyes and saw nothing but adoration and love, he knew he was.  

---

The soft sound of acoustic guitar echoes throughout the apartment and Kyungsoo stirs awake. Eyes still closed, he reaches over for his usual morning kiss but is only greeted with lingering warmth underneath the blanket. Cracking an eye open, he squints against the bright daylight and spots the person he was looking for. Dressed in an oversized Christmas sweater and an old pair of jeans, Chanyeol sits at their tiny window bench and plucks absentmindedly at his guitar. Most of his attention is on the snowy view outside and a laid-back smile is plastered across his handsome face. Not wanting to disrupt the peace of the moment, Kyungsoo lies back on the couch and watches his boyfriend with a doting smile.

Knowing that from now on Chanyeol will always be the first person to greet him in the morning warms Kyungsoo’s heart. He has waited for this day for three years as the taller man finished up his contract with the studio he worked for in New York. Chanyeol had suggested he just leave everything behind and return to Korea as soon as possible, but Kyungsoo hadn’t wanted him to. He didn’t feel comfortable with Chanyeol uprooting himself so suddenly and possibly ruin his career just for him. During their time apart, they often sent packages to each other, filled with random finds or things they enjoyed sharing. They made the best of their situation and met as often as they could, whether it was in Korea or in the United States.

Whenever Kyungsoo did not have filming or promotional activities, he flew to the States, often against Junmyeon’s orders. Chanyeol saved his vacation days for those visits and together, they’d go on trips all across America. From Alaska down to Florida, they left their footprints across the country and took home unforgettable memories. Sometimes, they just stayed in New York and lazed around in Chanyeol’s apartment for days on end. They rarely stayed together in Korea together because they didn’t get much privacy or alone time. When they were home, they hung out with friends and families and tried to have dates without running into Kyungsoo’s fans. The truth was they didn’t care too much where they were in the world as long they were together.

But all of that is now in the past, ever since Chanyeol permanently moved back to Seoul two months ago. The happy giant began working as a composer in residence at Kyungsoo’s company and they moved in together to their current apartment. Life is falling into place piece by piece and Kyungsoo cannot be more thankful. Though sometimes he wonders how differently their lives would have turned out to be if he hadn’t cried after they kissed or if Chanyeol hadn’t run away. He wonders if they would be together at all if it wasn’t for that withering mistletoe hanging right above their head that winter night.

Suddenly, Kyungsoo is curious about who had the bright idea of hanging a poor mistletoe out in the attic balcony to freeze.

“Morning, sunshine,” Chanyeol chirps from the window bench and interrupts his thoughts. The taller man places down his guitar and walks over. Leaning down, he gives Kyungsoo a morning kiss.

“You’re up early,” Kyungsoo mumbles against the other’s soft lips and moans as Chanyeol deepens the kiss. When they pull apart, the happy giant smiles smugly at his boyfriend, looking pleased with himself.

“It’s not that early, it’s already 9 o’clock.”

Kyungsoo yawns and nods slowly. Chanyeol pulls him out of the blanket and hands him a pair of comfy jeans and an oversized Christmas sweater, one that matches his own. Grumbling about the cold, Kyungsoo reluctantly gets dressed and lets himself be pulled along by his energetic boyfriend to their small window bench. Sitting sideways as one of their knees touch against each other’s, Chanyeol hugs his guitar and points to the outside.

“Look, Soo, it’s a winter wonderland!” the tall man exclaims and stars seem to twinkle in his large eyes. Kyungsoo chuckles at his boyfriend’s adorable expression. Sometimes he feels like he is dating a ten-year-old stuck in an adult’s body.  

“Chanyeol, you’re almost thirty,” Kyungsoo reminds his love in a teasing tone and the said man sticks his tongue out in protest. Softly, Chanyeol strikes his guitar again and begins to play a slow, acoustic version of Winter Wonderland. Kyungsoo pulls both his legs close to this chest and resting his chin on his knees, he listens to the song and observes the city in white.

On one of the street corners, children are building snowmen and many of them are wearing Santa hats. They soon start a snow fight and the entire street is filled with their happy squeals and shouts. Kyungsoo smiles fondly at the scene and Chanyeol laughs heartily at them.

“So what time do you have to be at SBS today?” the taller man asks after a while and Kyungsoo scrunches his nose at the mention of work. It isn’t that he doesn’t love singing, he does, especially when he’ll be singing their new song that Chanyeol wrote, but he just hates the prospect of being away from his gentle giant.

“Junmyeon hyung is coming to pick me up at 11, then we are going to the salon, then to SBS,” Kyungsoo sighs, “It’s going to be a long day.”

Chanyeol hums in contemplation while still fiddling with his guitar. An idea hits him and flashing his boyfriend a sweet smile, he winks and strikes a chord.

“Then how about I ‘Sing for You’, to make you feel better and temporarily forget about Junmyeon hyung’s stress-inducing face?”

Kyungsoo snorts at his boyfriend’s play on words and the careful shade he just threw at JKB’s manager. But he nods appreciatively and his lips stretch into a heart shape. He loves Chanyeol’s husky voice. It is like a warm cup of cocoa on a cold winter day and it always warms him up from inside out. Tapping on the body of his guitar, Chanyeol lets the music flow from his heart. He looks right at Kyungsoo as he sings and the latter joins in.

‘Sing for You’ will always be close to their hearts because it tells their story. Chanyeol first wrote it when he just moved to New York, feeling crestfallen and heartbroken, but he never finished it. He didn’t know how to finish it because something felt like it was missing. Then he completed it when he reunited with Kyungsoo and he even got the shorter man’s help with the lyrics. It just felt right that both of them worked on the song since it was their song. Kyungsoo was what was missing.

For so long, Chanyeol didn’t realize his love for Kyungsoo that when he finally did, he could not express them. Before he knew it, three years had passed by and the love he harboured for his friend grew to be larger than himself, taking up every corner and crevice of his heart and mind. Yet when he saw Kyungsoo again, there was so much to say he didn’t even know how to say it anymore. They both cared so much for each other that they were practically drunk in love. Yet neither of them could properly express their affections in words, because words alone were no longer sufficient for describing how much they had missed each other over the years, how much they now loved each other, and how much they have come to mean to each other. So they sing this song together.

The way you cry, the way you smile, how much it means to me

The words I wanted to say, the words I missed the chance to say

I will confess, it may be a little awkward

But just listen, I’ll sing for you.

As Kyungsoo’s eyes flutter open with the last guitar note, he locks eyes with Chanyeol and they smile. They know that their love does not always need to be voiced out loud because it is hanging on their Christmas tree and inside each note of their song. It will always be there, burning inside their heart, embedded in the patterns of their soul, and living on as a part of who they are.

FIN.

Merry Christmas.

A/N: Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays! I hope you enjoyed the story and thank you for reading. It started off as something short and sweet, then it grew legs and arms and… now it’s this gigantic fluff ball of feelings lol.

Big thanks to my good friend Ben, who was amazing and helped beta this monster. She also laughed at my title, but that’s understandable because I think it’s pretty ridiculous too. I can’t think of anything better (I never could, honestly) so deal with my corniness.

I’d greatly appreciate comments, so don’t be shy and drop me a word (or words, if you would be so generous). May all of you have a wonderful Christmas break and an exceptional start to the New Year!

p.s. if you’re wondering who hung the mistletoe in the attic balcony, it was Chanyeol. He did it a couple of days before the party and had completely forgotten about it afterwards.