I sat with a bottle of whiskey between my legs and my head in my right hand, all that coursed through my mind was her beauitful smile and how much I missed seeing it when I woke up. After her beautiful smile the same memories of the last time I saw her started breaking through the walls I had desparetly tried to build to keep them away. Her eyes glossy with tears, chest rising up and down so fast I wanted to hug her and calm her down but she wouldn't let me touch her. Telling me how much I hurt her. Her words clear as day: "You're never here anymore, Jay! You put a good time before me and sometimes I don't hear from you for days because you don't come home!" I tried reassoning with her but she wouldn't have it and I didn't deserve it either. I was a co-CEO of a fast-rising company and a musician at the same time but that didn't explain why I was never there. Why I left her alone at night and never even texted her to tell her why because at that time I thought she would've known. I was wrong. I was so wrong. I should've made sure to text her that I loved her, that I was working late and crashing at the studio, that I was going out to a club or a bar with the other AOMG members to celebrate new achievements or that I missed her because I did, so much... I just never cherished her being there enough and now that I lost her... I truly realize what I lost. Ha... That saying sure is true. 

A swig from the bottle of whiskey turns into two, two turns into three and so on until there's no more whiskey left and my hand reaches out for the second bottle of the night. I don't remember exactly how long it's been since this started. Every night chugging two or even four bottles of whiskey until I pass out to forget her and the pain and regret I feel. She was my everything but I was stupid, I didn't work hard to keep her or to remind her that she meant the world to me. Last I saw her was a little glimpse as she entered a coffee shop by herself, her eyes on the gray pavement and a look on her face that made me hate myself. I had wanted to run to her but I had to get to a photoshoot. I was busy. I was always too busy for her, that's why I lost her. Eyes scanned the label of the bottle several times before deciding to put it down. Not sure how I did it but I stood up from the cold concrete floor of my kitchen and opened the door I'd been leaning against for the past 5 hours. It was hard to stand up straight but I had the urge to see her and I wasn't going to let this one pass by like all the others. 

When I reached her apartment soaking wet from the rain I hadn't even heard, I pondered if I should really be doing this. Maybe I should've just called her, asked her how she was doing, apologize and ask to meet instead of interrupting her at her place like this but I was there now. I knocked on the door and waited. Waited. Waited a little longer before I knocked again and heard her voice saying she'd be right there. I didn't know hearing her voice again would make me feel like somebody was stabbing several parts of my body and I especially didn't know that seeing her again would make me collpase on the ground, crying like a child. She was hesitant to do anything at first but before long she knelt down by my side and hugged me, my head on her chest, her fingers through my hair. Repition spilled from my lips, "I'm sorry. I love you. I'm sorry. I love you." She kissed my forehead once and hugged me tighter, "I know. Me too. I know. Me too." We spent several minutes out there in the corridor until I stopped crying and she helped me up. 

"I missed you." We said in unision.

We looked at each other with a small smile and I closed the empty space between us to hug her. 

"I'm so sorry," I sighed, "I should've let you know every minute of the day how much you mean to me." 

"I know how much I mean to you, Jay..." 

"No you don't," I shook my head, "You're my whole world, baby... You're everything." 

My eyes opened to a blinding light. I blinked several times and found myself on the floor of my kitchen, to my right lay two empty bottles of whiskey. I started to cry, the pain in my chest grew with every tear shed and the dream replayed like a joke in my mind. My own self was tortuing itself and I couldn't do anything about it. I couldn't run from my mind. I couldn't run from her memory and would forever be haunted with the loss of the one person I had ever truly loved.