“No, JiYong please no.” I wailed into his hand as he blinked slowly up at me. He was pale, oh so pale against the white sheets of the hospital bed. “JiYong-ie say something, say anything please?”

“I-I love you Seungri. Don’t cry.” He whispered it against the mask against his face and his face contorted in pain. “I’m sorry I have to go like this, my sweet. I’m so sorry.” I kissed the tips of his finger repeatedly as he struggled to get the words out.

“I love you so much, JiYong-ie don’t leave me alone, please JiYong I’m begging you!” He took a few more shallow breaths.

“I don’t want to die, Ri.” He had started crying now. “But I don’t think I can fight.” His hand went limp in my grip.

“Hold on JiYong, please” I whimpered it out and the doctor placed a supportive hand on my shoulder.

“I’m so sorry.” I looked up from the floor and saw that the heart monitor had gone blank.

“No” I said firmly “No JiYong, you said you wouldn’t leave me alone, please! What about your parents? What about the fans?” My legs gave way and I felt an immense pain in my chest. The breath was knocked out of me as I struggled to breathe.

It was the day, the day we were going to have to say goodbye to JiYong forever. I didn’t even try to hide my face, no hat, no mask. I went as Seungri, the Seungri who had dark circles under eyes that were red and raw from crying. I didn’t go as the flashy Victory, I went as Lee Seunghyun, JiYong’s love and best friend.
 
JiYong’s mother made eye contact with me when I entered the room; his family looked as awful as I did. Dami saw me and ran over, pulling me into a crushing hug. I let more tears roll down my face as we clung onto each other. JiYong’s mother and father held hands and they too didn’t wipe away the tears.
 
Youngbae arrived next, his face numb and swollen, he slipped his fingers into mine and we made our way to the coffin together- barely keeping ourselves from breaking down. I looked at the picture they had used in the picture frame; it was JiYong when he was 24- carefree and happy. I choked back another sob at the sight. Daesung and Seunghyun arrived together, linked arms- trying desperately to hold it in. Youngbae held out his other hand for Daesung to take and we stood in a row, holding hands – looking at the coffin.
 
Some of his old friends from his childhood arrived, other family members and close friends from elsewhere. People nodded to us, knowing that- other than his family- we were suffering the most here. My hair fell over my eyes and I shut them for a minute, to pray.
 
I prayed that JiYong had found piece in heaven. I prayed that I would be able to join him when my time came and I prayed that he was looking down on us with a smile. All those times he had snuck into my bed when we were trainees. The times he had teased me about my dark circles, I missed him. I remembered during a concert when he had lined up all of the toy pandas along the edge of the stage and made me take a picture with them, he didn’t deserve this; he didn’t deserve to be lying in a coffin at the age of 27.
 
At that thought, I broke down in tears again and let out a loud sob before letting go of Youngbae’s hand and dropping to the floor. I couldn’t keep my composure anymore. Youngbae crouched down next to me and pulled me into a bone crushing hug. “I miss him, Bae, I ing miss him” I sobbed.
 
“I know, I know” he cried back, my hair softly. Daesung and Seunghyun helped me up and we resumed the position. I still had fat tears rolling down my face as I clung onto Youngbae’s hand like a life line.
 
“It’s time to start the procession” one of the coffin bearers told Seunghyun. He trembled, nodding before stepping back. I knew that there would be cameras and press behind the door, I knew that the while nation would see how awful I looked…but I didn’t care. 
 
His family went just after the coffin. I could hear the click of the cameras already. Taking a deep breath, I walked through the doors and the cameras went mad. Youngbae and I went first and then Daesung and Seunghyun. We walked in pairs, hands clasped.
 

…

As soon as I got back to my apartment, the apartment that I had once shared with JiYong, I collapsed against the wall. The tears that I had been holding back from the media came flooding forth. I pulled my knees to my chest and buried my face into my knees. It was dark and cold and I couldn’t stop my emotions.

I had never felt such pain. Never such emotional pain. It was like somebody had torn my heart out of my chest and thrown it onto the floor. I couldn’t breathe and I slowly rolled onto my side so I was curled up on the carpet. My nose was snotty and my hands wet from rubbing at my eyes. I didn’t think it was possible to miss someone as much as I missed JiYong. I didn’t think that it was possible for my heart to hurt this much. I heard the front door to our apartment open and then Youngbae appeared in the doorway. “Oh Seungri” he whispered. I let out a loud sob of distress and he rushed to my side.

“Seungri it’s alright, shh” he pulled me into his lap and hugged me to his chest. “I know how much you loved him.” He whispered. I soon soaked his shirt and he pushed his hands into my hair. “Just cry it out Seungri, just let it all out.”

The sun was pouring through the gap in the curtains and I opened my eyes to see the space in the bed next to me empty. “JiYongie!” I called in a hoarse voice. I soon heard the sound of the shower and fell back against the pillow with a sigh. I starfished out against the mattress, reveling in the fact there was nobody on the bed next to me.

The bathroom door opened and JiYong strolled out with only a towel around his waist “Morning sleepy head” he smiled quirkily and I sat up and leant against my elbows.

“Morning clean dude” I joked. He strolled over to the bed and leant over to kiss me on the forehead. I closed my eyes with satisfaction. He ambled over to the dresser and picked out some boxers before dropping the towel and pulling them on. I smiled at his boldness and rubbed my puffy eyes.

“What do you have to do today?” I asked absentmindedly.

“Just admin and stuff for the album, boring boring boring.” I smiled and swung my legs over the side of the bed. “But you can come and make it fun if you want.” I grinned and advanced towards him.

I must have passed out from crying as when I woke up I was in my bed in just boxers and a t-shirt. The shower was on and for a second I expected JiYong to come strolling out of the bathroom in just a towel like he always used to. But it was Youngbae and nobody came out of the bathroom. With a sigh I rolled over onto my side and stared at my phone numbly.

My phone read 17:05 and I sighed before staring at the picture on my lock screen. It was JiYong and I laughing and smiling together and I slowly dragged my thumb over his face before unlocking my phone and checking my messages.

There was one from Jonghoon and I read it slowly.

Hey Seungri, I just wanted to know if you are alright. If you need a friend you know that I am here for you right?

I ignored it, not wanting to talk to anybody at the moment. All my messages were asking me if I was alright and I rolled my eyes. Of course I wasn’t alright, my best friend, the love of my life had just left me forever. Youngbae came out of the bathroom looking serious and I wandered how long it would be before any of us would be able to smile.

I was leaving BigBang, in fact, I didn’t think that BigBang even existed anymore. Without JiYong there was no BigBang, he was BigBang. I clenched my jaw, determined not to cry right now.

“I love you” I whispered, dragging my thumb across JiYong’s face behind the glass on the picture frame that stood next to the bed. “I will always love you baby.”

Hehe sorry for killing Ji but it just came to mind and I couldn’t stop myself.

Please comment your thoughts on the story and be sure (if you haven’t already) to check out my nyongtory one shot collection here! Thanks for reading again.