Translation of apology lyrics was taken from Kpopviral

You always waited for me

At the same place as always but

I was gone I was gone

Don’t trust me like a fool

I said I’d protect your forever

but it was all a lie, lie

Irritating.

That was the only word in Howon’s mind as he received yet another text from Sungjong.

“Hyung, where are you?”

“Are you still mad at me?”

“I’m sorry….”

“Can you at least pick up the call... please….?”

“Hyung…...”

“Are not we supposed to celebrate our 5^th anniversary today….?”

“You will come to my place, won’t you?”

“I will wait for you until midnight…”

“Once again, I’m sorry….”

“I will wait for you”

“I love you, Howon Hyung”

The tough life of being a street gang member had gradually drifted Howon away from Sungjong. The only thing in Howon’s mind was to fight, negotiate, fight, negotiate, fight, and so on.

It was not the first time for Howon to break his promise and make Sungjong wait for him. In fact, it had happened several times to the point they have endured countless fights. There were times when Howon wanted to break up, but the younger insisted to stay with him.

“It’s okay, I understand. I can always wait for you, hyung. I forgive you. I love you.”

Those were the words that always managed to convince Howon not to leave the younger.

But today was different. That was it, Howon thought.

He had had it enough.

“Stop waiting, I ain’t coming. Let’s just end this”

With that reply to Sungjong’s text, Howon drifted to the sleep he did not even know he needed.

For some reason, today the TV dramas I always watched

have such cliché scenes that seem to be laughing at me

As if I’m a sinner I just run away

And yet again, you yell at me to go away

Howon woke up the next day to countless missed calls and texts from Sungjong. It was not surprising that the younger had sent him tons of apology instead of asking for an explanation. Sungjong had always been that kind of person. Whether he was the right or wrong one, he would be the first to apologize. He knew better that Howon’s ego was higher than anyone. If he had not done that, no way they would be able to make up after those countless quarrels.

But today was different. Howon ignored all of Sungjong’s text and missed calls—Sungjong’s apology, and left his phone on the desk.

Good thing that today was a pretty much a free day for him. He was allowed to go back to his apartment since someone else would be in charge to stay at the base. But he decided not to, knowing that Sungjong would probably come to his apartment for an answer to his ignored texts and calls.

So here he was, stuck with Lee Sungyeol, a same-age friend of his in the gang who was in charge to stay at Woollim’s base today. Sungyeol was a melancholic guy for someone who was a gang member. It was proven by what he was watching right now. A melancholid drama where the two main characters were in the verge of break up. The very same drama that Sungjong often watched. He sometimes even dragged Howon to watch it with him.

“I can not do it any longer… let’s just… put this… put everything to an end” the male actor uttered the words without even looking at the female in the eyes.

“But why? You still have a heart to do this even after everything I did for you? Why? You bad guy- “, the female started sobbing and hit the male’s chest repeatedly. 

That scene alone was enough to make Howon lose his patience.

“Sheesh, is not there anything else to watch?” Howon made a move to grab the remote, which made Sungyeol reacted quickly.

“Yah, Lee Howon! Do not ruin it!” the slightly younger male took the remote back from the other, holding it firmly between his hands so Howon would not have any chance to even reach it.

“You are so unfair… you only care about your feelings, don’t you?” Howon frowned as he heard what the female in the drama was saying.

It. Howon mentally cursed as he got off the couch, unable to stand with the drama any longer and decided to leave Sungyeol alone.

You always knew that

I’m a selfish kind of guy

I guess I felt burdened

By you when you were just asking for the slightest of attention

Without even leaving a single photo

like everyone else takes

Until the very last moment

We only think of me

“Just one picture, pleaseeee?” just like always, Sungjong showed his pout to Howon, knowing that Howon would not be able to resist his request with that.

Howon heaved a sigh as he snatched the polaroid camera from Sungjong. “No, Jongie. You know I never like getting my picture taken.”

Sungjong stopped pouting as his expression turned into a disappointed one “You are not going to do it even for me…?”

Another deep sigh was emitted from Howon “I am sorry. But no means no.” the older male tried to ignore the saddened look that Sungjong was wearing as he grabbed his jacket.

“I gotta go now” Howon said as he put the jacket on, without even looking back at Sungjong.

“Hyung, wait-”

The male was quite surprised when his lover grabbed the back of his jacket “please stay….” his statement surprised him even more. It was very rare for Sungjong to actually ask him something since he understood how busy he could get.

Howon glanced over his shoulder, his eyebrows furrowed “I am sorry, but you know I cannot, Jongie…. It’s my turn to stay at the base now.”

Sungjong seemed even more disappointed than before. “Just for this once… I want you to stay here…... please…...” and now it was getting harder for Howon to overlook his request.

But he needed to go.

Somehow Howon was getting annoyed at his requests, and had he stayed there, the two would only end up in another pointless quarrel that they had been doing for the past few months.

And with another apology said, Howon left the younger in his apartment alone.

Today, Howon was alone in his apartment, and he found himself recalling that day.

He could not help but feel a pang of guilt in him as he continued to look back at what happened on that day and the day after.

He thought Sungjong was being a selfish attention seeker who only wanted to burden him. But turned out he was the selfish one as it was revealed that Sungjong had not been feeling well on that day and needed a little attention, which was why he came to stay at Howon’s place that day.

The more he thought about it, the more he understood how he only thought of himself and rarely considered Sungjong’s feelings. But the younger rarely, or maybe even never complained.

Howon was awaken from his thoughts as he heard the bell to his apartment rang. He lazily got off the bed and made his way out of his bedroom, towards the entrance.

As the door was opened and it revealed the person standing in front of his apartment, he regretted opening the door and thought he should had pretended not to hear the ring bell.

Sungjong.

Sorry, sorry

I’m sorry I couldn’t protect you, I hope you’ll be well

Sorry, sorry, I hope you forget me as well

Although it hurts

That promise we made to be together forever

No longer exists

I’m sorry I couldn’t keep it

“Have you been eating instant meals again?” Sungjong sighed as he spotted a stack of instant noodle packs on Howon’s dining table. “I told you it is not good, hyung” the younger male looked at Howon in the eyes as he said so.

Howon did not find any sign of sadness nor anger there. The boy looked, acted, and spoke as if nothing happened.

As if they did not break up.

“It’s either that or I would not eat all” Howon tried to avoid the younger’s gaze as he answered him.

“Right….” Sungjong’s response was short, and silence followed them afterwards.

“Why are you here?” Howon finally broke the silence after a few minutes, unable to stand it. Sungjong should not be here, he should not be seeing and should never see him again, Howon thought.

“I am sorry…...” Howon got to admit that he was not even surprised when he heard Sungjong uttered an apology. “I am sorry for being selfish, hyung. I failed to understand you again and again… I am sorry…”

“No, it was me who kept failing to be understanding towards you.”, was what Howon thought after he heard what Sungjong just said. Yet he stayed quiet, not knowing what he should say.

When the other male pulled him into a hug was when he got taken aback.

“I’m sorry, alright? Please do not ever say such a thing again, hyung. You still love me, do not you?” there was a mixture of sadness and hopefulness in the words that Sungjong told him.

Another silence followed the two of them again. The younger kept hugging him, tightening his hold around Howon as if he would disappear if he loosened it. And the older froze, did not even bother to hug him back.

“No.” Howon broke the silence again, this time with that one word, causing Sungjong to let go of the hug as he wanted to look at the other’s face.

“I do not love you anymore.” He felt like his chest was being stabbed as he told Sungjong the lie.

His next words were not completely a lie “You are nothing but a burden to me.” He held his breath as he noticed how Sungjong’s expression slowly changed just like those many times when he rejected Sungjong for a selca.

“I do not want you anymore” and he could see tears b in Sungjong’s eyes- the beautiful eyes that he adored so much, as soon as he finished conveying his final words.

“I… I just want us to spend some time together” Sungjong started, looking down on the floor as tears threatening to spill from his eyes “… just like… the old day…” a small fit of sob could be heard from the younger male as he continued his words.

How Howon wished he could just pull the younger into a hug and comfort him and told him it was okay, that everything was a lie, that they were not breaking up, that they would always stay together through thick and thin, just like how they once promised to each other.

But he should not do it.

“I guess… I guess it’s too much for you, is not it? I am sorry….” the younger began speaking again as he did not hear any response from Howon.

And it initiated Howon to finally respond to him.

“Yeah, it’s too much for me”, another sentence of lie escaped from Howon’s lips.

And it was enough to completely push Sungjong away. The younger broke down into a heart wrenching sob, covering his face with his own hands. The last time Howon had seen Sungjong cried like that was 10 years ago, when Sungjong’s pet bunny died.

Howon neither said nor did anything as the other male kept crying. He just stood still, pretending that what was happening did not hurt him at the slightest.

It took several minutes for Sungjong’s sob to subside down. When he finally looked up, still sniffling, he was met with Howon’s emotionless eyes.

“I am sorry….” stop apologizing, Howon mentally told the younger

“I still bother you even until the end… I guess… I-I guess this is really the end, huh?” Howon noticed that Sungjong was stuttering as he uttered the words.

To Howon’s surprise, Sungjong scooted closer to him, planting a quick kiss on the older’s lips- a kiss that only lasted for a few seconds, yet Howon could feel the emotion that was poured by the younger into it.

“I want you to know…” Sungjong began speaking after he pulled away. “Even if we are not together anymore, and even if you do not love me anymore, I still love you.”

He then moved and walked past the older before turning his head to have a view of Howon’s unmoving figure, tears were still b in his eyes. “I love you, and I will always love you. Good bye, Howon hyung….” Sungjong then took his steps to walk out of the apartment.

As soon as Sungjong walked out, Howon let the tears he had been holding fall.

a/n : it was supposed to be a one-shot, but since it turned out longer than expected, i decided to divide the story into two chapters. so this will end in the next chapter.

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