Please Be There
Just Leave It BehindNamjoon cursed under his breath bitterly, earning a well deserved glare from the waitress, who, in fact, seemed more concerned about him paying up than the other male who had just stormed out the door without explanation. He rolled his eyes, the least offensive thing he could do, and threw a handful of coins on the table, shrugging at her disgusted expression.
"Hey, something is better than nothing, right? Keep the change."
He shook his jacket as he left, spraying coffee droplets over the floor. He was apologetic to the waitress, who was probably just tired, but it was the least of his worries. It was cold, he remembered Tae leaving without a jacket, and above all, he had no idea where the younger male was heading. He bit his lip and gasped at the gust of wind that hit him upon his exit, and it made him shake, balling his hands into fists.
I don't remember it being this cold when we came here...
He stood around dumbly for the first few seconds, shivering and stomping his feet. He had a good sense of direction generally, but he was confused, distracted by the blinking red and green and yellow at the empty intersection and the continuous metallic ring of a lonely bike rider as their wheels hit the pavement. He looked up at the dark apartments above him, grimaced, mouthed an apology to their sleeping occupants, and raised his voice.
"Tae!"
He heard nothing back.
Typical.
He shook out of his worried stupor and scuffed his feet coldly until he jumped off the curb, taking up an almost sprint in the middle of the street. There were no cars, anyway, and he could get a better look into the alleys to his left and right. The wind knocked his hood off and he felt the tip of his ears reddening with cold, and he begged silently not to have tears start to stream down his face. Both from the wind, and his increasing panic.
The worst thing that I could happen to me right now is blurred vision. And Tae...he could be hiding, doing anything. The truth is, I won't find him unless he finds me.
He ruled out Jin's apartment right away. V had only returned there to paint butterflies on the walls, and that was when he was in his rare good moods. It was better than not having any good moods at all, but Namjoon felt jealous, jealous that Tae would want to be alone when he was feeling happier. And now, V was definitely not in a good mood.
Me either.
He thought back to the places he had gone with V, even the places he had gone with the rest of the boys. An abandoned hotel, a dug out and demolished parking lot, a busy tunnel usually full of traffic.
He had nothing. And he stopped running, instead slumping down in the nearest alley, digging his nails into his palms. He cursed, loudly. There was no one around to even ask. He laughed to himself at the conversation that could take place.
"Um, excuse me, sir? Have you, maybe, seen a scruffy looking kid, cute, but maybe looking angry, pass you by? I think he was going this way, but...I'm not sure..."
It was pointless. The only people stupid enough to be out at this time were drunks and punk kids, he reminded himself. The drunks were useless, for obvious reasons, and the kids hung out elsewhere. Like the trainyard, where all of the useless cabooses and rickety cars were dumped.
Wait a minute.
Namjoon had been there before. With Tae. And Jungkook, Yoongi, Hoseok, Jimin, and Jin. As he reminded himself, they themselves used to be punk kids. Well, in Namjoon's case, he still was a punk kid. He scrambled up, using the wall of the alley for support, and cursed himself out again.
Idiot. The trainyard is close to here. And you didn't think of it?
He took off again, this time with motivation, and little regard of the weather. His nose was tinged red, and his cheeks were flushed, but he didn't care. He gulped, refusing to entertain the possibility of V not being where he was heading, and rambled to himself, brokenly listing off what he would do when he found his friend.
"First, I'll give him my jacket. He'll be cold." Cold. That was another thing. With the weather, V would be close to freezing, and the kid was already coming down with something after being in the pool night after night. He bit his lip. I'll warm him up.
"And then...I'll apologize. He misunderstood what I said." No. If he said it that way, then V would think it was his fault. Instead, he would completely take the blame, explaining what he meant to say. He wished he could be facing V now, somewhere private, listing off all of the reasons he wanted Tae to stay with him.
"You're sweet, you're fragile, you're mine..." No. I can't think about that yet. Namjoon sighed, his breath being puffed out in bursts of white. His throat ached at the cold he was being exposed to.
"Then...we'll go home." His voice cracked as he said it, not just because of the weather. He couldn't stand the thought of seeing that stupid pool again. He would do anything to get V to stay out of it.
Redecorating? Yeah. Maybe we'll do that when we get home. He smiled at the thought at seeing V with a baggy white t-shirt all rolled up to expose toned arms, holding a sloshing paint can instead of a shaken can of spray paint for graffiti. They would paint the walls cool colors, he decided. Blue, like the winter sea. Lonely, but calming. They'd add a library, too. When Tae was still sleeping with Namjoon, he would read him a story every night. Fantasies, that made him see pastel colors, and taste summery flavors, like the zing of a lemon or the pop of sweetness that coated his tongue whenever he bit into a strawberry. Besides, fantasy helped V with coping, and that was the reason he existed, as of the moment. To help V. Eventually, he sighed, V would have to become comfortable with reality too. He couldn't keep staying in the pool, and running away like he was doing now couldn't become a common reoccurrence.
Namjoon didn't want to think about it, and he forced his mind back to the thought of decorating, instead of focusing on something negative or the tired sound of his worn shoes as he ran.
The library would be for him, too. He loved to read. When he was bored, he would take the train to the city, and just read. He would bring the book with him, or scavenge around, scanning over scraps of newspapers left on park benches or headlines from the flashing signs on cabs. There was something about libraries that just made everything less...lonely. Maybe it was the knowledge that each book contained an individual story, individual characters, a tiny world all its own. It would help V, if he was lonely.
And it won't be lonely. He figured. Not lonely at all. V will have me.
****
Namjoon's out of place daydream brought him right to the trainyard, and as he snapped out of his temporary pleasant thoughts, he felt the sense of panic returning.
What if V isn't here...?? He forced himself to entertain the possibility. He decided he would keep looking if Tae wasn't in one of the unlocked cars. There were only a few that could be opened anyway, and it wouldn't take him long to look.
I don't need sleep anyway.
He swung around to each car in turn, swaying in between rusted railroad tracks. His stomach rumbled, and he sighed, remembering that the only thing he had that could have helped suppress his appetite was the cold coffee from the diner, and most of that ended up on his clothes rather than down his throat. He rummaged in his coat pockets and found a half frozen lollipop, which he gladly stuck in his mouth. He grimaced at both the ice crystals that were formed on it, and the sickly sweet taste that was sure to be rotting his teeth.
He only glanced at the first few train cars, and they were locked, anyway. His stomach clenched, but he reminded himself he had the whole yard to look through.
Not quite.
The cars that were locked were locked, and there was nothing he could do about it. But the cars that were unlocked were empty, too. He couldn't even find the punk kids that regularly occupied at least a few of the cars, swinging broken bottles and laughing loudly. Besides himself, the trainyard was empty.
Namjoon's lingering hopeful mood disappeared, and he was launched into panic mode. He rubbed his eyes with his knuckles roughly, desperate to stay awake. He thought back, panicked, to the time he went to the god forsaken yard with all seven of his friends, even though he didn't want to relive the memory.
Seven boys, whooping, laughing, smiling.
Pushing each other around, on the same railroad tracks.
Climbing up an abandoned car and dropping off it for fun, to get that numb feeling in their legs.
Scaling it again, this time to drum out a beat on the metallic sides.
Telling each other secrets, like when Namjoon came close to telling V a confession...but he never did.
Namjoon shook his head, a bitter taste in his mouth. Those times were over, and he didn't have to think about it again. But he got what he wanted from the memory, which was the car they used to hang on. It was probably the most beaten down of all of the unused train cars there, but the brightest in color- a dark blue.
Namjoon knew where it was, too. He headed to the edge of the yard, his eyes straight ahead. He refused to look up, at the sky, which was still dark even though it was getting to be morning. He refused to look down, at the wide, worried strides he was making. His jaw was set.
The car was open, and he could tell as he got close. The sight made his stomach flip, and his breath hitched in his throat.
V. He has to be there. A bittersweet emotion that he couldn't recognize filled the pit of his stomach. What he could recognize though, was happiness. It was weird, he thought, to be happy, of all things, in his situation. He swallowed the realization, stored it away for analysis later, and set his sight on the car. He ran, tripped once, and swore, cursing his inability to get a grasp on his emotions. He hurried for the rest of the way, at a stiff walk, took a deep breath, and jumped inside, his mouth open to speak.
There was no one there.
The bittersweet emotion was replaced with sadness, then anger, and he bared his teeth, suddenly finding himself sick to be standing in the car. He jumped out, and kicked the side, feeling a numb tingle in his toes from the pain. The throbbing was dulled, anyway. He probably got frostbite running to the yard, and he growled. It was all pointless. He totally wasted his one opportunity to catch up with Tae.
Something dropped on his head, and he looked up, his eyes red with his struggle not to cry. It was going to rain, and he felt a sliver of confusion at the soon-to-occur downpour.
If it's going to rain, why isn't it warmer? Why does everything have to be so ty?
Something moved in his peripheral vision, and he glanced over. It-whatever it was-was at the top of the car, and he grinned.
Might as well climb up it one more time.
The rungs were slippery with frost and cold to the touch, and Namjoon shook his sleeves over his hands to climb up. He felt at ease knowing that he was alone...liberated. If he ever did find V, he would talk to him about it, about letting go of the other members. The only thing he worried about was Tae, and he was fine with that responsibility. He didn't need to be concerned about people that were already gone.
His freed independent vibe was still laced with anger, and the nagging, clawing feeling that he would have to hunt for V eventually remained. But, as he reached the top, he realized he didn't need to.
V was there, swinging his legs off the edge, looking like something straight out of Namjoon's fogged up memory.
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