Where Are You Going?
Just Leave It Behind"You can go anytime you want."
It was the words Namjoon had causally directed towards V after the incident. He had meant that V could go anytime to spray paint at Jin's apartment, of course.
It had been a week since V had collapsed at Jin's old place, and, as Namjoon thought to himself guiltily, nothing was much better. In fact, Taehyung was worse. The younger male had withdrawn completely, and it was multiple times where Namjoon had found him not even sleeping in his own room at all, but spending his nights in the dingy public pool outside of his ratty apartment. He could still remember the first time the weird development occurred, and he laughed to himself, replaying the one sided conversation in his head.
"What the hell do you think you're doing? You're going to get sick!"
Silence.
"Taehyung, please. Come in, I'll get you warmed up. Sleep with me tonight."
Silence.
But as he thought more, it was pretty clear why V was doing it. Not to spite him, Namjoon, like he had originally thought, but to drown out the voices he was undoubtably hearing again. He had murmured once in his sleep that Jin sounded muffled underwater. He also heard something else, something even more inaudible. What was it? He thought hard, coming up with the only coherent sentence from the jumble of words he normally heard. It was something like..."I need you, but you don't need me." Huh. Who does he need, though? He was almost jealous of this nondescript "you".
Once, Namjoon even offered to join him, and he dipped his toes in, hesitantly. It was about five minutes before he pulled out again, freezing cold.
That kid isn't even human.
But it wasn't just V Namjoon was concerned about. He was becoming increasingly worried about himself, too. Maybe it was the fact that all of his friends were gone, but he was feeling clingy to Taehyung. Protective, naturally. And it was interfering with most of his thoughts. He found himself missing the younger male's presence in his bed at night, and it was multiple times he had dreams about V. Not just any dream, oddly enough. The same dream. A dream where they were...together. All of them. V, Namjoon, Jimin, J-Hope, Suga, Jungkook, and Jin. They were repeating the same blurry action, just running. Namjoon didn't know where to, and it annoyed him. But there was a part that he liked the most, and he was guilty to admit it. Every night when he had the dream, he would see himself happy, his arm wrapped loosely over Taehyung's shoulder as he puffed on a dandelion. It was a shame that after that part he had to wake up, he thought. He liked seeing V smile.
****
Namjoon shook himself out of his confusing train of thought and looked around him. He was in his close to empty bedroom, draped clumsily across his broken rocking chair. He had positioned it a couple of days earlier by the window so he could check to see if V was safe, in his quite literal water bed. Moonlight streamed through the foggy glass, making him blink gruffly. It was too bright for the time, which was 2:00 in the morning according to the blinking red numbers on his alarm clock. Everything was normal, quiet. Except for one thing. He stood up and pressed his palm to the window, clearing away a space for him to look through. It was Taehyung, of course, but he wasn't drifting in the pool. He was sitting on the edge, a dingy towel wrapped around himself, and he was picking at a dandelion that was more weed than delicate puffy seed. His legs were dangling into the green water and he was staring in front of him, at nothing, really. His eyes were glazed.
RapMon blinked a few times, his mouth going dry from the eerie scene. Normally, he wouldn't interrupt, for the sole reason that V would normally push him away. This time, though, he was forcedly reminded of his dream, and warmth filled his stomach. He shifted and shook his head, grabbing his long gray coat, which was more of a cardigan if anything. It was stupid for him to be thinking about his dream now, of all times.
But he couldn't help it. And as he thudded down his stairs out into the backyard, he couldn't shake the feeling that he needed to run. To just grab V's hand, and run. And that's what he was going to do, he figured, to go anywhere but the stupid pool that Taehyung was haunting at night. He knelt down by Taehyung's side, shivering as he touched his fingertips to the cold cement under him. He knew what to expect. This scene had happened similarly before, except for the fact that V was normally actually in the pool. He would speak, V would look up, frown maybe a little, as if he was thinking, and then back away. It was no use. But he opened his mouth anyway, and rehearsed lines fell out, sounding dazed.
"Tae...hey, it's early. Have you maybe, wanted to try sleeping in a bed again? My bed, even."
That stupid frown. Again. Namjoon dug his fingernails into his palms.
"Okay, fine. Suit yourself out here. But I'm hungry. There's nothing in the house." Whoops. My fault. He hadn't really had the motive to do regular tasks much anymore, let alone shopping. But he wanted an excuse to leave, now. To get V to respond to him.
"I'm going to grab a bite. You need it, too, ok?" Just nod, or something.
Finally, something. V stopped moving his feet and hugged his towel to him, bowing his head to his chest a little. He leaned down to read the other's expression, and he was confused. V looked...surprised. Surprised that I would help him? Why would he be?
Namjoon almost groaned with relief, pushed his confusion out of his mind, and grabbed the younger male's hand before he could help it. He squeezed a little as he stood, wincing at the slapping sound of the water against the pool rim as V stood too. His muscles clenched instinctively as his protective urges kicked in, and he leaned in, patting Tae's legs dry with the towel that was being used as a kind of blanket. He smiled to himself at how weird the whole scene was. 2:00 in the morning, going to eat, drying off my best friend who sleeps in a pool and doesn't even talk anymore. Isn't that great? His internal voice was bitter, especially at the phrase "best friends", which was beginning to be an understatement for him, and it translated to his actions. He must have rubbed on V too hard, because the other pulled away, his expression mixed. But it was similar to his look before, the look of surprise, and this time...gratitude?
"Sorry." Namjoon murmured mechanically, pushing out a pair of shoes and socks that V must have removed to dip his feet in the water. A breeze blew past the two, and he shivered, tapping his foot to get the other to hurry up.
It wasn't long before V finished getting himself cleaned up, because it was clear he didn't care much about his appearance anyway. The cuffs on his pants clung to his ankles, wet where he was dipping into the water, and his white shirt was torn and only rolled up one sleeve. Namjoon, however, smiled to himself, finding the disheveled puppy look endearing. He found himself reaching out to grab the other's hand again, and was relieved when he felt the warmth of V's palm against his, even if it was clammy. There was no humidity in the air, but Namjoon felt a spark, and he almost gasped out loud. V looked puzzled for a second, but Namjoon could swear he had looked away, looking a little more flushed than usual. Namjoon shook his head and started running, shakily at first, then stronger when he actually formed a plan to where he was heading. Somewhere private, of course. Somewhere reassuring for the tired looking male dragging his feet along the pavement by his side.
Namjoon sighed, happily as he flung his free arm out beside him. It has been a while since he felt in the mood to be rebellious, and the feel of the bitter cold against his back and his hair getting staticky as it was blown about reminded him of the last time he went out this late. He on his teeth, looking over at V. It would be better if V was talking, of course. He missed seeing that rectangular smile and the eager tongue that screamed troublemaker.
But this new V was here to stay, for a while. Missing old memories wasn't going to help anything. It was probably why he couldn't shake that dream, and Namjoon felt sick thinking about it. Sure, he wasn't as affected as the others, especially the ones that V and he were mourning, and he was lucky to be still able to have a hearbeat, to be present. He was lucky for V to be with him. And Namjoon was going to protect him, no matter what. Anything to make sure he stayed with him. Anything to make sure that V didn't become an old memory, too.
****
Namjoon was yawning, smiling apologetically at a tired young waitress as he drummed his long, bored fingers on a cheap, sticky tabletop. She looked like a young college student, he figured, working to pay off her student debt. He felt bad for her, but he barely made eye contact. Instead, he focused on a buzzing fly circling lazily around the overhead ceiling. He and V were the only customers settled down at a sleepy, 24 hour diner with flickering neon lights and dark, collapsed booths. The tile beneath Namjoon's nervous feet were slippery from not being washed and checkered, but the red was fading away and the white was being blurred into a sad gray. He glanced over at the bubbling drinks machine, and his throat ached.
"One coffee. Black. And apple pie. You have that, right?" He did his best to beam at V, making it clear that he ordered the sickly sweet dessert for him. "With vanilla ice cream."
His voice cracked at the few last words, and he grimaced, rubbing his throat as if it was a dehydration problem. But it wasn't. He had butterflies, for no reason, and his breathing was quickened. He had felt it before, earlier, when he was jogging along with V. The other male looked beautiful when he ran, with his long legs pumping hard and his jaw set firmly with determination to keep up a fast pace. Even though Namjoon hadn't told V where they were heading, Tae was eager to follow along, and Namjoon was hopeful that he'd be able to get some conversation out of him. But he was sure his feelings were stupid, probably there because he was so glad to be reenacting a scene from a time when they were both happy, and when they could go out at night for no reason. Yeah, he decided. That was what they were. Nothing more than relief that he had his buddy with him. He forced his breathing to stabilize.
V made a motion as if to shake his head and decline the order, but the waitress had already walked away, probably to pour out the old coffee and to start a new brew. At least, Namjoon hoped. He loved black coffee. The stale air settled down on the two as they fell into uncomfortable silence. Namjoon was staring at his knuckles that were bruised from constant cracking and rubbing. V was yawning, digging his thumbs into his eyes, making his dark circles worse. The older male gritted his teeth. The scuffs of the waitress' shoes on the floor and the abrasive sizzle of the frier reached his hypersensitive ears, and he raised his voice unashamedly to cover up the sounds that characterized the lonely diner.
"So...um." He cleared his throat, finding it hard to start normal conversation with his friend. Especially since the feeling was returning. He opened his mouth to speak, but he was cut off, surprised. V had set his hands down on the table, and was leaning back in a forced casual position. The younger male was speaking.
"Namjoon, I...I'm sorry. You didn't have to bring me here." He blinked and kept his eyes closed for a few seconds, as if the neon was hurting his eyes. "I've been staying outside, for...a while, and...I-I want to come back. With you, maybe?" He paused, opening his eyes again, and shook his head. "No, no, it's stupid. Nevermind."
Namjoon leaned forward, his elbows resting on the greasy table. His brow was furrowed at the younger male's confusing words. What is he talking about? Of course he can come back. I never told him to leave. Did I?
His train of thought was broken as the waitress arrived with her tray, finally. Namjoon cut her some slack, because it was so early, but he couldn't excuse her obvious bitterness. I mean, God, this place is open 24/7. It shouldn't be a surprise to see customers. She set down the apple pie, first, and Namjoon felt the first rush of gratitude towards her. The plate was heaping, with sweet caramalized apples and flaky crust all combined into a delicious slice of pie. His coffee, however, was cold. His gratitude faded.
V chased a bit of apple around his plate with his fork, silent again. Namjoon took his first sip of bitter coffee and went back to thinking, his foot beginning to tap nervously on the floor. Finally, he set down his cup, embarrassed, and murmured,
"I, uh...I don't know what you mean."
It was the wrong thing to say. V looked up, his eyes clouded and dark, and swallowed the bite of pie he had shoved in his mouth. Namjoon raised both of his eyebrows, waiting for the younger male to explain himself, but he was disappointed. All he got was,
"Fine."
Fine? Fine what? He took up his coffee again, but V was standing up, pushing his plate aside. It was obvious that Tae as shaking, as if he was hurt.
Namjoon glanced up, his eyes wide.
"Hey, what did I do? Tae?"
Too late. V had pushed past his booth wordlessly, and shoved out the door. Namjoon was just able to catch a glimpse of him storming out into the street through the fogged window, his arms around himself as if he was cold.
Namjoon was stunned, and he gasped as it hit him.
"You can go anytime you want."
"I need you, but you don't need me."
He stood up, his coffee spilling all over the table.
"Tae!"
****
Comments