10th October 2006.

“Grandpa, why the butterflies keep coming? Isn’t it autumn already?”

“Well, do you know, maybe that’s your ancestor, paying you a visit. Looking if you’re being a good boy.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. Don’t worry, I will promise you I’ll visit you often.”

“No!!!”

“Eh? Why?”

“I don’t want grandpa to go… You’re going to stay forever with me, right?”

“Hahahahaha… Aigu… Sure, sure. Grandpa will stay with you for as long my time wills.”

“Neh…”

And about the same time the following year, the same little boy was crying upon a grave. Fresh lilies lying on the grave bed. No tears were flowing down the boy’s cheeks. It was only the sobs that made it clear to everyone that the boy was crying — well, still crying. It took days for the parents to coax the boy to eat. It took weeks for them to coax him to go to school again. It took months for them to actually bring back the old smile of the little boy. It took them years for them to actually talk about the deceased grandfather without the now not-so-little boy breaking down. Everything took time. Sometimes more than you could even spare.

***

10th October 2015.

The cold breeze blew past Jihoon’s window. He stared at the dull atmosphere outside, wishing that spring will come way sooner. He sighed inaudibly as he made his way through the aisles of fresh flowers. Checking carefully that he had the correct number of every type like he jotted down in his checklist. Carefully checking the condition of each stalk, Jihoon made sure for the tenth time that they are fresh and healthy. Directing his gaze to the large window of his flower shop, the number of people being out and about increased. Slightly cheered up, despite the sombre view, Jihoon resumed his task of checking all the flowers. Approaching the last few boxes that he had yet to check, he noticed something was a little off. Shaking the distractions away, Jihoon’s slender fingers moved gracefully tendering to the beautiful blooms. Standing right at the last box, Jihoon finally realised what he was trying to notice earlier. Something. Fluttering. Tiny, but of a great presence that Jihoon found himself in awe of the sight. A butterfly. Just sitting silently on one of the flower. Jihoon’s expression brightened up like spring was instantly there, right inside his shop. Minutes passed by, and Jihoon did not realise that he was standing there, just looking at the beautiful butterfly. Smiling, more to himself as he was sure people will go around saying he is insane if he did smile to the butterfly — which he did, to be honest.

Sitting on the sofa at the sitting area he provided in his shop, Jihoon took a quick glance of the interior of his shop. Everything looked pretty much the same since he first worked part time there, and until now, he fully owned the shop. Counting with his hands, Jihoon realised that it was almost five years. The shop was open since an hour ago, but Jihoon was still yet to receive his first customer for the day. Maybe there was no party nor anyone to visit on that particular day, Jihoon told himself. Running his eyes on rows after rows of the flowers, Jihoon suddenly remembered of the butterfly he encountered earlier. Now will be a good time to observe it. He got up from his seat, heading to the last box where the butterfly was at before he had to go to flip the “OPEN” signboard at the door. By the time Jihoon footsteps died a few inches away from the said box, the butterfly was nowhere to be found. Baffled, Jihoon scratched his not-itchy head. “Where…” Just by the time Jihoon turned around, he saw something fluttering a few aisles in front. Suddenly feeling some kind of rush, Jihoon ran towards the direction of the butterfly.

Memories of his late grandfather flooded his mind whilst he was trying to track down the butterfly. Of how the ancestors would come and pay a visit. Of how the dead would come and see the beloved livings. Of how the deceased would silently look over them. And everything did not reassure Jihoon. But instead it weighed down on Jihoon, making him feel like he was going to shatter into tiny pieces, that would have no chance of being put back together. Jihoon arrived by the windowpane, of the smaller glass window of the shop. Taking a seat, his eyes were fixated on the fragile butterfly just sitting where the sun rays pierced through the transparent medium. Basking. Jihoon smiled to himself as the thought came up to him. Chuckling, he shook his head. Butterflies reminded me so much of you. Jihoon’s lips etched a half-smile. His expression was hard to read — a mix of joy and sadness. It seemed as if he was slowly drowning into his groundless sea of thoughts, that he had been restraining from for what seemed like forever. Soon enough, the monotonous colours of winter faded from his vision. The scent of winter was not there. There was not any trace of burnt woods in the fireplace. The world seemed to change within milliseconds in Jihoon’s eyes.

***

“Kringg…”

The bell hung just above the door echoed as another customer made his way into the shop. Turning his heels towards the rows of flowers, the guy with dark black hair took a good look at every available flower displayed. Well, most of the boxes were empty — considering that it was late evening and they were about to wrap up for the day.

“Excuse me, do you have a red amaryllis?” The deep but gentle voice asked, without looking at Jihoon who was now standing next to him to aid.

“U-uh, I don’t think…” Jihoon was about to say a no when he glanced over the box where amaryllis was usually placed to see that one last stalk in it. “Oh, yes, we have one.” Jihoon continued, flashing a grin to his customer — though he was not looking at him.

Delighted, the guy lifted up his head, to meet Jihoon’s soft eyes with an unreadable expression on his face. After stumbling upon his order and struggling to form his sentence a few times, Jihoon watched as the broad shoulder of the guy disappeared from view — biting his lips softly, knowing he felt something in his stomach — the butterflies perhaps.

The next few days, Jihoon noticed that the same guy frequented the shop — most often during his shift. Jihoon had every right to be uncomfortable, but then — he did not. Instead, he was enjoying the guy’s presence. After a tiring day at school and continuing with his part time most of the weekdays, Jihoon’s fatigue flew out of the window once he got to see those warm eyes looking into his, and those lips forming a thin line — of a killer smile. He was unsure what he really felt for the guy, but there was definitely something since their first encounter. Jihoon was not entirely against the first love thing, but he was not all that absorbed into it either. So, everything was pretty vague to him still, and he decided to just seize what he had at hand. Until one fateful day, Jihoon’s day would not be pretty much the same anymore.

“Hi! How can I help you?” Jihoon’s happily chirped when he heard the bell rang, but slightly freeze once he got up to see the quite tall guy in front of the counter, staring at him. Jihoon swore that if their shop sell ripe tomatoes, his face could be sold right at that moment.

“Oh, hi. Three amaryllis please?” Jihoon’s knees felt weak at the sound of the guy’s voice. Usually before this, the guy would be attended by his other part-timer friends.

“S-sure.” Stuttering, Jihoon made his way to fetch the flowers and picking a suitable filler before arranging them nicely into the wrap.

“A-any message, sir?” Jihoon half-croaked the sentence and felt like slamming his head against the wall for that.

“Can I write it myself?” Holding out his hand for the pen and card, Jihoon complied almost immediately.

Finishing up his rather short message, the handsome guy capped the pen and put the card into the envelope. Putting some notes onto the counter, Jihoon was about to hand him his bouquet when he casually walked off. Panicking, Jihoon kind of shouted after him, waving the bouquet in his hand. Grunting, Jihoon mumbled about being told that it needed to be delivered or something and checked the envelope so he could plan his trip home that day. Flipping the envelope over, Jihoon’s eyes widened.

Lee Jihoon.

W-wait. This can’t seriously be sent to me. Jihoon shook his head, and with trembling hands, he pulled out the card, reading the words written on it. And that was when Jihoon slumped onto the ground by default. 4-8-6. He could not believe his eyes. He had so many questions, but he could feel something wild inside his stomach. Very wild. How huge are the butterflies this time around, Lee Jihoon.

***

Days passed, seasons changed, and Jihoon is now happy with the one he preferred to call his complementary self. They started to hang out more together after the confession, and they kept falling deeper from that point onwards. Throughout the months they spent together, Jihoon realised so many cute little things about his partner and he could not help but to write them down in his diary every night. It was a cold winter night, when Jihoon decided that he wanted to go to Namsan Tower with his partner — not that he would not want to call him his boyfriend or what, but he had not officially given an answer to the guy yet — even after those months, yes. Jihoon bundled up, tucking the card he wrote days ago in his pocket and a bouquet of orange blossom in his other hand.

“Seungcheol-ah.” Jihoon called out loud enough once the taller guy was walking approaching him.

Smiling, Seungcheol waved back to Jihoon and jogged his way to where Jihoon was. They were looking over  the city lights, standing side by side and Jihoon his dry lips, counting the passing seconds in his head.

Seungcheol kept musing over how beautiful the view was and insisted that this was his first time looking over the city like that. It was that moment Jihoon decided to pull Seungcheol by his arm to make him face the now deathly pale Jihoon. Shoving both the card and the flowers right up into Seungcheol’s face, Jihoon stood in front of him, his head hung low, as if he was predicting that Seungcheol is going to reject him. Seungcheol on the other hand — feeling playful — planned for something to catch Jihoon off guard.

“No…” He began.

“W-what…?” Jihoon looked up to him, finally — baffled.

“No…”

“Y-you’re going to reject me…?” sadness slowly clouding up Jihoon’s expression.

“No… No… I can’t…”

“Okay.” Jihoon cut Seungcheol’s words short.

“I can’t. I don’t think I belong to anyone but you, Lee Jihoon.”

Finishing up his words, Seungcheol cupped Jihoon’s soft cheeks and they shared their very first kiss, as the first snow fell, and as a tear ran down Jihoon’s flushed cheeks — and it was a happy one.

***

Jihoon walked up to the windowpane of the shop one morning to find a cup of coffee set up there, with a sticky note.

Have a nice day today! I love you, amaryllis.

Jihoon smiled reading the note, keeping it inside his pocket and sipping the coffee slowly. He proceeded about his work feeling all kind of flowers blooming inside his heart. The lovely days went on endlessly. Seungcheol always have something up his sleeve to make Jihoon felt special. Not that they never argued, they did have different thoughts on certain things and they got into love fights sometimes, and everything went back to how they used to be. Since both of them knew it all too well that none of them can stand a day without the other. Be it the teasing, nor the comforting words or the warm cuddles. 

He could still recall that one time when they had this huge fight. And it was not because Seungcheol was jealous Jihoon was making pretty bouquets for other customers and even freely sharing his preferences with strangers but of how Jihoon would never notice how many kind of butterflies were there in his shop. Seungcheol mostly spent the rest of his day after work accompanying Jihoon over at the shop. That was when he noticed all the butterflies, being small — yet of a noticeable presence.

“Jihoon-ah.” Seungcheol called out.

Not answering, Jihoon just nodded — unaware that Seungcheol was not actually looking at him. “Y-yeah?” Jihoon choked out once he noticed the dragged silence.

“Butterflies are beautiful, aren’t they?”

“Yeah. They are. Why?” Jihoon half-heartedly answered — well he expected a pick-up line from Seungcheol but this was not the case this time around.

“It’s too beautiful that it scared me. But it never scared the flowers, do they?” Seungcheol turned to look at the now puzzled Jihoon.

“I suppose. Well, butterflies and flowers are a pair the world would not be complete without.” Jihoon bluntly answered.

“I’m glad then. Because my amaryllis is not scared of me.” Seungcheol grinned, looking at the furiously blushing Jihoon over at the counter.

Jihoon once asked why Seungcheol liked to call him amaryllis. Seungcheol smiled, saying that Jihoon is too similar to amaryllis — his outstanding presence, his charms, his radiance — that swept Seungcheol off of his feet the very first time he laid eyes on Jihoon. As always, Jihoon blushed like crazy, gently punching Seungcheol’s bulky arm. “And I’m your loyal butterfly, amaryllis.” Seungcheol whispered to Jihoon’s ear and cuddled the smaller guy in his arms.

As much as JIhoon knew about flowers, Seungcheol knew just as much about butterflies. And that was the best part of their day when Seungcheol told Jihoon’s stories of butterflies. Of how within the short lifespan, a butterfly is able to make an impact. Jihoon smiled, kissing Seungcheol on his cheek and mumbling, “You’re the handsomest of all butterflies combined, if that’s possible.” He chuckled after his words and both of them bask in another sweet day of theirs, embracing each other.

***

“Babe, come on!” Seungcheol’s voice rang across the empty backyard.

They were on a short escapade in Jihoon’s parents summer villa, and yes, in the middle of the summer. It was a cool night, despite how scorching hot the earlier part of the day had been. Jihoon trotted lazily behind excited Seungcheol with a thin smile plastered on his face, loving of how carefree and childish Seungcheol is at times. In one of his hand, a bag of treats — ranging from gummy bears to flavoured milks. He kept his gaze on Seungcheol who was struggling with the blanket he brought along while he skipped across the lawn. A few minutes later, both of them were sitting on the blanket, looking at each other like they have fallen in love all over again.

“Your eyes are shining brighter than the stars.” Seungcheol silently mumbled, reaching out for a gummy bear as if what he said was nothing.

Jihoon flushed, and ended up not replying anything but to keep his chin tucked onto his chest in embarrassment. Moments after, Seungcheol laid down, resting on one of his arm and stared at the clear  night sky. Offering out his free hand, Jihoon scooted closer to his boyfriend and rest his head on his bulky arm. Not knowing what to do with his hands, Woozi kept them on his chest, trying to look as not awkward as he could possibly manage.

“Do you remember the day I confessed?” Seungcheol began. His voice low, but it was what Jihoon liked about Seungcheol — his deep voice.

“The 4-8-6 card?” Jihoon asked, his eyes wandering the endless sky, looking at the countless clusters of stars.

“Do you know what that means?”

“I love you? Isn’t it?” Jihoon kind of stuttered though he knew he is right.

“Yeah, counting of how many it takes for you to write that phrase.”

Seungcheol fell silent after that statement. Tracing and recalling the clusters name with his eyes and at the back of his mind. Jihoon felt the silence was right, not the type that makes you panic or tremble. It was the comforting silence — the fews that you would ever have in the years you spend living.

“There’s a Butterfly Cluster up there somewhere.” Seungcheol suddenly spoke up.

“Uh?” Jihoon was curious and only managed a nod in the direction Seungcheol was looking at.

“Aside from 4-8-6, 4-5 is my favourite too.” Jihoon suddenly said.

“What’s that?” Seungcheol asked as he turned his gaze on Jihoon’s moonlit features.

“Write it.” Jihoon simply answered and smiled knowingly as he watched Seungcheol pulling out his hand behind his head and started tracing the letters.

“Butterfly.” Seungcheol smiled and turned towards Jihoon, giving him a soft peck on the lips.

“It’s rare for you to be cheesy, but when you do, I’m always too giddy.” Seungcheol said followed by Jihoon’s laughter as Seungcheol tickled him as a revenge.

***

Being with Seungcheol gave Jihoon all kinds of fluttering feelings. The ones most people would say as if having butterflies inside their stomachs. Seungcheol without fail will always give him that feeling. Every time Jihoon looked at Seungcheol, he always felt like it was their first meeting. The very first that he laid eyes on that handsome face, the very first time his eyes met Seungcheol’s calm ones. Looking at Seungcheol, Jihoon was reminded of someone important. Seungcheol shared too much of the same trait as him, that Jihoon sometimes got the idea that maybe the Seungcheol was a new form of the said person that popped up in Jihoon’s mind. Both of them are fond of butterflies. Both of them would tell Jihoon stories of butterflies. And both of them are the most important people for Jihoon.

Jihoon could recall, losing his grandpa was the worst nightmare he ever woke up to. He was mourning for months. He detached from the world completely, trying to find a way to somehow reach his grandpa, for he was missing him too much. Time flew by, and it was that moment when Jihoon was flipping through the scrapbook he made with his grandpa, placing phrases fitted with numerous colourful butterfly pictures — that he realised, he was moving on.

“Butterflies aren’t meant to live long, but they will exist in their next life in different colour — just like human will.”

It was those words that brought Jihoon back to the real world. He got better day by day, and was able to grow up like other teenagers did. He might miss his grandpa once in a while, but he knew, his grandpa is happy — be it he is up there watching over him, or he is elsewhere on the world living his life. He never actually told Seungcheol of how Seungcheol resembled his grandpa. The way he hold his coffee cup. The way his eyes looked into Jihoon’s. The way his voice echoed when he talks to Jihoon. The way he would be worried of Jihoon when the weather forecast predicted thunderstorm. It was all so similar that Jihoon could feel his late grandpa’s warmth whenever Seungcheol embraced him.

And he liked that feeling. Maybe his grandpa was around, after all. Jihoon thought to himself that he could not bear to experience losing these feelings again. Because he loved Seungcheol and his grandpa so much. Little did he knew, destiny had better plans laid out for him.

***

"What are you trying to do, Lee Jihoon?!"

With that thundering shout, Jihoon felt a pair of arms wrapping around his petite frame. He tried to break free, but he was lacking the energy — and the strong arms outpower his strength easily. Jihoon stopped struggling, growing weaker in the guy's embrace. Jihoon cried his heart out, wanting to shut down from the world. And that was when he felt his feet detaches from the floor and the next thing was him and the guy laying on the bed, his back facing the guy, and the guy embracing him in a comforting backhug. Their steady breaths filled the silence of the huge room. Jihoon was still hicupping from what happened earlier. Tears refused to fall but he still felt that lump in his throat, feeling like shouting how unfair the world is.

"I'm here, I'm not going anywhere." The voice was half whispering into Jihoon's ear.

"I know... I just. Lost it." Jihoon replied, lowly as if he would break into another round of sobbing if he spoke any louder.

"Nothing lasts. It was fated to be. All we can do is to pray for the best." Jihoon carefully listened to those words before shuffling and turning to face the guy.

"Thanks, Seungcheol. I don't know what I would ever do without you. Don't ever leave me." Jihoon sobbed into Seungcheol's chest, letting out everything.

Seungcheol patted Jihoon's back gently, trying his best to calm his lover down. This was the second death that he had to accept after a close friend's last two weeks. And this time it was harder on Jihoon because it was someone who he used to work for a long time. The owner of the flower shop he did part time in died of disease. It was not disclosed as to what, but it was along with his age — most would say. Seungcheol kept Jihoon close in his arms. He could not erase the image of Jihoon standing by the kitchen counter, staring at the neatly arranged knives. The look that Jihoon had was of determination, and it somehow scared Seungcheol — as if he never knew that side of Jihoon existed before. Seungcheol knew that accepting death was Jihoon's biggest weakness — because of his grandpa — but he would try his best to cater to Jihoon's needs, being as helpful as he could be. Ensuring that Jihoon is well cared for when he was with him.

After hours of silent cuddling, Jihoon finally spoke up to Seungcheol saying that he was hungry. Seungcheol kissed him on his lips and carried him bridal style before making him sit over the kitchen counter as Seungcheol worked the pans and spatulas. Jihoon sat there, his legs dangling in the air as he looked around him, only to spot some amaryllis in a vase close by — knowing they were Seungcheol's favourite since they reminded him of Jihoon. Not until a few moment later, Jihoon spotted three fluttering white butterflies around the flower. He blinked away his tears, suddenly recalling his late grandfather's words.

"The food is ready." Seungcheol chirped from the other side of the counter, grabbing plates and arranging his food beautifully before taking the hearty meal to Jihoon.

Jihoon turned to look at Seungcheol when he was beaming and the next moment when he looked again at the amaryllis, he was honestly choking on his saliva. Seungcheol made his way towards Jihoon and placed the plate in front of him — noticing that Jihoon look disraught.

"Are you alright, baby?"

Jihoon did not answer but his arms silently reaching out for Seungcheol's waist — before enclosing them around Seungcheol and resting against Seungcheol's body. They stayed that way for a little while - until Jihoon spat with glassy eyes.

"They were here. And I don't want them to see me sad."

What Jihoon did not say out loud was, "Death comes in threes.", it was an old saying — but it made Jihoon nervous for some unknown reason.

***

It was autumn. Dull. Sad. Exactly how Jihoon felt. It had been days since Jihoon felt the fresh air against his skin. It had been days since Jihoon fed himself with anything. It had been days since Jihoon’s tears stop falling. It had been days that he was there, on his bed, staring at the frame of sticky notes on his wall. He touched each piece of it, as if by the time he finished touching all of them, everything will turn out as a nightmare — that he had yet to wake up from. But to his dismay, he was living in his most horrible nightmare. He felt like his whole world was collapsing on him. Squeezing the life out of himself, suffocating him with guilt. It was because of him. If he did not ask for more. Nothing as horrible would happen. And he would still be smiling. He would always have a cup of coffee in the morning along with a sticky note. He would have to spare another wall and make another huge frame to put the new notes inside. He could always listen to the stories of the butterflies as hid bedtime story. He would share wildest and sweetest moment with his one and only. If only he did not ask for more. If only.

Jihoon remembered everything vividly. He was smiling all day long — well, it was a special day apparently. He was trying to finish his 17 flowers bouquet to bring home to Seungcheol. Adding his favourite filler, and combining all the different colours to code for different reasons. He tied everything up with a red ribbon, feeling utterly satisfied of how beautiful the bouquet looked. That was when the phone rang. He took his time to get to the phone and answered it on the fifth ring. Little did he know that it was the last time he knew how to sincerely smile. He was trying to contain himself. He was trying to hold himself together. He was trying his best to listen to whatever the caller has to say. He was supporting himself with a hand by clinging on the edge of the counter, his eyes can see nothing but blurred vision — by the tears.

“I’m so sorry to inform you that Choi Seungcheol was killed in the accident at 04:50 this morning.”

It was the third death. Explaining the anxiousness that struck him.

A week after, Jihoon made his way through the rows of tombstones, until he reached the one his most loved one was resting at. His eyes were glassy when he looked at the carved words again; ‘Just give me a smile.' It sounded like what Seungcheol wanted to say to him when he suddenly left Jihoon. All alone. Deprived of his affection, his soft touches, his deep voice, his warmth — everything about him.

“I’m afraid you’ll forget me. And act like nothing happened.” Jihoon whispered.

“Even if there are many more flowers in heaven, I should be your only one, be it here now — nor in our next life. Do you get me?” Jihoon continued his words, trying to hold  back his sob. He stared at the bouquet he made for their anniversary laying on the lawn.

“I will always love you, only you.”

***

Jihoon snapped out of his trance when he felt his cheeks warm. He wiped the tears with the back of his hand, composing himself to not sob. He threw his gaze outside the window, amazed that the first snow was falling. Feeling a bit cheered up, Jihoon scooted over to the counter, taking out a diary from the drawer right below the cash register. He traced the old leather cover of it, smiling bitterly at the sweet memories in there. He flipped through the diary, looking at the dates — reminiscing and picturing of how he and Seungcheol grew.

His hands stopped at a page. 17.4. A month before Jihoon lost Seungcheol. He read back his words. Seungcheol told him the story of rebirth that night for bed. Of how lovers who truly loved one another will always be together in their current life, and even their next lives. Jihoon smiled at the words. And he noticed there was Seungcheol’s writing on that page too.

“So let’s love one another deeply forever, okay?”

“I will always find you, in this life, and even in the next ones.”

Jihoon read the words out loud, almost breaking down but he contained himself, biting his lips to hold back the threatening sob. That moment, the butterfly fluttered and rested on the daffodil he put on display right by the counter. Looking at the butterfly, Jihoon worked out the whole ten-seconds before he was able to make any sense of whatever coincidences that was hitting him that day. He was on the verge of crying — and at the same time he felt like pouring all his tears out.

“Seungcheol…”

And the butterfly gently flapped its wings, as if agreeing — or answering to Jihoon’s call.

***

It was a wet winter morning. The snow from last night slightly melted at the sudden appearance of Mr. Sunshine. Jihoon made his way along the treaded path of half-melted snow and finally stopped at the place he had grown affectionate to these past few years. Putting down the a fresh bouquet of daffodil and amaryllis together, Jihoon stepped back and nodded lightly.

“Happy fourth anniversary, Choi Seungcheol. I love you still, and will always do.” Jihoon whispered — rather calmly, this time he was not choking nor breaking down.

A soft wind blew, sending chills of the coldness to everyone being out in the open. Jihoon was staring at the end of his shoes, beside chanting prayers for his beloved one. He hid half of his face into his muffler — partly because of the coldness, and partly because he wish that made his prayer seemed sincere somehow, though he knew there was no relation at all. He fiddled with the lining of his parka’s jacket when he heard a soft whisper.

“Happy fourth anniversary, Lee Jihoon. I love you still too, and will forever do.”

Jihoon smiled. They will be together again — when the time comes.

hello :)) thanks for dropping by to read this. i hope it's not too lengthy despite cramming 5000 words into this one chapter ha. if you're craving for more jicheol and upredictable ships, do check my on-going story out.

http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/1044301/b-shert-love-s-way-angst-fluff-jihoon-seventeen-seungcheol-jicheol